I bet you’ve been waiting all week to find out the winner of the coveted Dingy Crotch award, haven’t you? I’m sure the The Academy Awards paled in comparison and made you wonder how many of those actresses were wearing granny panties. Oh, wait, what am I thinking, starlets and wanna-bes like to expose themselves as they climb out of limousines in the most ungraceful of ways. Seriously, you don’t get out of a car with your legs spread open for the world to see. Bless my father’s soul for teaching me how to get in and out of a car like a lady! Dads, do your daughter a favor and take the lead teaching her manners and etiquette. That mantle always falls on mom, but she is to be her example of proper etiquette and manners and reinforce what you teach your daughter.
Back to granny panties…It was close and our panel of distinguished judges had a very hard time making a decision. Our selection was based on three criteria:
- They must officially be “Granny Panties,” not just large underwear.
- They had to say “I am not sexy not matter how you wear me.”
- You had to have entered the contest.
I know those are strict rules, but we run a tight ship here! So, without further ado (because the Dingy Crotch award is where I make fun you and your underwear), the winner is:
Can you believe these suckers?
Did you really think that little strip of lace at the waistband was going to make them attractive?
If you still own them, please have your Sir read this…Sir, please tie her up with these things.I think there is a sufficient amount of fabric to tie up both her ankles and wrists.
What was your motivation for buying them in the first place, I wonder?
That allure of a soggy looking crotch that looks like a baby’s loaded diaper?
Perhaps it’s the appeal of thin cotton and poorly sew-on elastic?
Buy one get one free at Wal-mart?
Fond memories of being 13 and having to wear enormous maxi-pads?
Knowing there’s no way that fabric can slip between the cracks?
Hoping someone would come along and give you a wedgie?
Oh, the possibilities are endless. I could go on and on.
I feel I have done the world a valuable service. There will be one less pair of granny panties in the world and I, for one, feel like Rand Paul in a filibuster. I have said my piece, now go in peace.