Priorities in a D/s Marriage or “The Marriage Comes First!”

Did the title of this post catch your eye? Good, you are in the right place. Obviously, I pricked your heart or your ears and you’re looking for some answers. I’ll start with the supposition that you’re married, and were probably married to your spouse first before the awakening and/or allowance of your Dominant and submissive selves to be in the marriage. Based on that supposition, I believe you’re finding that it’s not always so easy to navigate the waters of this relationship and have even gotten beached on a sandbar here or there. The tide always ebbs and flows, so unless you anchor on that sandbar, you’ll be sailing again.

First, what does it mean to have a D/s marriage? There’s a lot out there describing the various forms of D/s and M/s (Master/slave) relationships all within the realm of TTWD (that thing we do…aka BDSM), but we find that somethings don’t apply to us because we were a regular married couple long before making an intentional decision to have a D/s marriage. We’re not looking for play partners or to do a scene publicly. Neither of us is poly and there’s no way on God’s green earth that ANYONE ELSE is coming into this relationship…not now…not ever (can you say HARD LIMIT?) Our commitment to each other is until death do us part…that’s us and that may not be you, but we can only speak from our point of view. We also have children and they need to be taken into consideration in every decision and undertaking. However, there’s still an awful lot of valuable information to glean and lessons to learn even with the differences. Of the blogs and sites that have to do with marriage, they are more of the DD (domestic discipline), HOH (head of household), and TIH (take-in-hand) variety, and that’s not us either. While my husband is absolutely the Head of our household, we are far more than just that dynamic.

Sir is truly a Dominant and I am truly a submissive. We want our kink and we want to eat it too! We like our pain and pleasure. I love kneeling before him, and he loves my submission. It’s quite a heady mix and I keep falling in love with him over and over and over again. Hearing the words, “Good girl” sends me sailing, especially when combined with the special name he calls me. We really believe we’re walking in different territory so there needs to be some ground rules if we want to keep moving in the direction we’re headed. You must be prepared for your journey. You don’t spend a day at the beach without sunblock and a cooler of cold beverages, do you? D/s is a very important part of who we are so it needs healthy nourishment and proper encouragement in order to flourish and thrive, otherwise you’re not just stuck on a sandbar, you’re shipwrecked.

So how do you provide the proper nourishment and encouragement in a long-term, committed D/s marriage? For starters, you must be in the business of protecting each other’s hearts. A true Dom has a huge responsibility in caring for his submissive. Much has been written about the characteristics of a good Dominant and a good submissive (I have some links below for you to check out), but like I said before, our situation is not like other’s out there. If my heart does not get protected by my husband the marriage can easily fail. We’ve been close to that before and have absolutely no interest in repeating past problems. And it’s a two-way street as I have to protect his heart as well. We’ve learned a thing or two in all our years together and have talked extensively about what it means to protect each other’s hearts. We have ground-rules for what it looks like so here’s a couple that you would think are common sense:

1) Be very careful with other women and men in person and online.

There are people out there who would love to find their way into your D/s marriage in many forms, and not just getting one of you to physically cheat because you can cheat on someone without ever having sex. You can cheat with your heart and your mind. You can allow others to steal your intimacy. They know you have something special and they want in. Women LOVE an assertive, in-control man, whether or not they are a submissive, and if you’ve got the goods, they’ve got the flirt. Oh, it seems innocent enough and when you’re blogging with intense honesty and putting it all out there, lines get blurry and one thing leads to another. It happens in offices all the time when a man has a “work wife.” All that fun, flirty banter is actually stealing intimacy, especially when it’s all done under the heading of advice. “Well, she just wanted my advice and point of view. She hasn’t found a man that can handle her and I was helping her put it all in perspective. We have a lot in common and she’s fun to talk to.” Oh, give me a break, you’re flirting, you know it, and she wants you. I guarantee she’s flattered your pants off, too. If you have a wife that’s also your sub, you’re going to break her heart if you keep it up because it’s so easy to keep going and going until one day you want to meet this anonymous fun, flirty, flattering woman who needs a strong man and “advice.”  Man up and pull your pants up while you’re at it. And pull up your panties up, too girls. He really doesn’t want to be your friend so stop pretending that he “doesn’t really mean anything by it.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. If you’re flirting, stop it now and walk away before you break each other’s hearts. The marriage comes first.

2) People with nothing to hide hide nothing.

In blog-land, we have levels of anonymity, and that’s OK. But I’m talking about not letting your spouse have access to your emails, texts, and blog posts. Yeah, I’m ‘gonna’ go there. I have a mouth on me, can you tell? Sometimes my mouth gets me into trouble. Sometimes I write things I shouldn’t write, say things I shouldn’t say, and do things I shouldn’t do, but I will always, always, always own what I write, what I say, and what I do, even if I break in the process. It’s my nature and my cultivated character. I may stick my foot in it, but if my Sir wants to see anything, I am an open book. Here’s a mind-blower and you may think this is SO NOT DOM, but it is SO VERY MARRIED…I have free access to my husband’s emails and texts and anything he writes online. He never wants me to feel like I cannot trust him. He has me go through emails and make deletions because while he’s at work he just does not have the time to get through all the crap and when he comes home he’s too exhausted. He trusts that I will flag anything important and call his attention to what he needs to see. Many times he tells me what to say and I will write emails for him in his name. It’s his words, I’m just doing the typing. We have to have transparency in order for our brand of D/s to work. He wants me to trust him in every way so if it means I have free access to read something or to reach into his wallet to get a $20 bill with complete freedom or without a threat of repercussions, good, because it works for us. Remember, the marriage comes first.

Why am I saying all of this? It’s simple. Our emotions are in the forefront more than ever. Since he stepped up as my Dominant everything he says to me has more meaning and intensity. The joy is greater, but the hurt also cuts deeper. His disapproval makes me cringe because I want him to be pleased with me. In turn, he wants me to feel safe, secure, cherished, and to delight in his attention. If we create distance we’re both miserable. Yeah, I know this doesn’t line up with Old Guard-Leather-High Protocol, but who gives a flying fuck? Those folks won’t be around when I’m old and grey, will they now? It’s our life and this is how we do it. The marriage comes first.

D/s is the catalyst that enabled us to finally bridge the gap in our marriage and communicate and relate to each other on the level that should have been there all along. D/s stopped us from floundering and drifting. D/s is like an anchor that holds us so we don’t drift away from each other. D/s makes us talk, listen, respect, and trust in the most glorious of ways.

So use this litmus test…“If I say what I think I want to say, could I say it to this person in front of my spouse without my spouse freaking out or coming back to me later confused or upset by my seemingly innocent words?” Be honest with yourself and be real; you owe it big time to him or her. The marriage comes first.

Character is what happens when no one is looking. You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do so walk in wisdom and remember,THE MARRIAGE COMES FIRST!”

XOXO ~ Elle

Characteristics of a Successful Dominant

Expectations of a Submissive

16 thoughts on “Priorities in a D/s Marriage or “The Marriage Comes First!”

  1. No, I can’t say it played a big part, but it made us talk and examine our ways. I’ve begun the assigned task of writing down our unwritten rules, which are more guiding principles that we’ve established along the way – wisdom principles, if you will. The two I posted were birthed in our lives out of extreme anguish so we’re experts in those areas. Did D/s save our marriage? Yes, it played a huge part, but it was the honesty that tore down the diving wall so we could really reach out to each other. D/s breathed new life into our marriage and a new level of communication. Now we find ourselves feeling freer and talking about our marriage and sex in a way we never talked before and with people we never met. We feel like we have a responsibility to stop and get perspective so we don’t trip ourselves up.

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  2. Wonderful post! I follow your blog regularly but have never commented. I also follow “Desiring Discipline”‘s blog as well. I love all of your blog posts as they relate well to me and my husband. We have been married 25 years and have 4 kids in their 20’s. We have just recently started exploring D/S – with me being the initiator and him trying to understand. It seems many of you are like us. This is the first post I really felt compelled to comment on. As much as I want to immerse us into this lifestyle, I want to protect the strong, loving marriage we have and don’t want to push him into something he isn’t comfortable with. Please keep up the great posts! They do encourage many of us blog lurkers!!

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    • Well thank you so much for commenting. I really appreciate it when people who have been lurking for a while come out and share. I’m especially glad that the post is helpful to you as it was very personal for me to write it. The motivation actually came from a combination of things I’d been reading on a couple of blogs and a conversation I had with my husband. We have to have a level of transparency between us and it’s what works for us. I’ve been getting my life back in order since the tragedy of my father in law’s death and I thought I would be posting a lot more by now, but I’m getting there and your words today gave me a lot of encouragement to keep on going. Thanks, again.

      XO
      ~Elle

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  3. Elle,

    Thank you for posting this. My husband and I recently started exploring the D/s world and it’s been wonderful so far. I did initiate and he is learning with me, so we’re hopeful that our upcoming trip to the toy store will be a productive one. I feel like we’re becoming closer the more we explore, and it’s definitely helping him feel more in control.

    P.s. When he says “good girl” my heart back flips too!!! 😉

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    • Hi Stephanie. I’m so glad this helped you. Enjoy your exploration and it’s wonderful you’re exploring together. Have fun with it. Communicate, laugh, question, read, and relax. Enjoy your toy store trip!

      Liked by 1 person

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