Each night, up until I was about 12, I would curl up in my father’s lap and he would stroke my hair and hum or softly sing me a song. I would rest my head on his shoulder or his chest and could easily spend over an hour each night in his lap enjoying his undivided attention. He would even run his finger lightly up and down my arm, which seemed to put me in a hypnotic trance. To this day, if that is done to me or if my hair is stroked, I instantly melt and become very calm and quiet. I was daddy’s little girl, his only daughter, and I knew without a doubt that I was loved and cherished. His nickname for me was Funny Face, from the Audrey Hepburn movie. I looked nothing like her, but he said I had the same twinkle in my eyes.
That girl in her father’s lap is who I really am and I have spent the last 35 years trying to get her back. I keep that girl hidden away because she is easily wounded. She gives her heart out, but will get seriously damaged if someone steps on it. She has been wearing the armor of a strong, tough, bold New York Italian girl who had to physically fight off people to survive. That armor was put on in order to defend herself against a mother and two brothers that set out to physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abuse her until she was 17 because she lost the protection of her father who was slowly dying over those years and would die instantly from a massive heart attack when she was 19 (he was 56). She hates the armor she bears because it is exhausting to wear and she really does not like to fight. She wants to be the girl with the twinkle in her eyes, the girl who is soft and gentle. The girl her daddy was proud of and adored.
I think I’m having the beginning of breakthrough that has been building for a couple of months. I’m told by those closest to me that I don’t have to hide anymore and I can just be me. I don’t exactly know how to do that and I need my Sir to help me. My submissive awakening was the beginning of finally letting that girl out. She closed herself off when she was just a young girl and she doesn’t know how to be an adult. Sir has loved me through all these years and has seen this girls many, many times, but even with him she retreats and then puts on the armor. Sir loves me in spite of the armor and will be with me to the end.
My greatest hurdle as a submissive is to finally put away my hard, bad-ass persona and be who I really am. It’s been coming out and there already has been a lot of healing, but there is so much more to do. Will I turn people off by what’s really there? Will I lose friends? My children know this girl because with them she does not hide and does the same things her father did with her. I cuddle with my children all the time and sing and hum those songs. My daughter is almost 12 and I don’t want her to retreat. Her daddy is very good to her and it melts my heart to see them together, but it also makes me sad that it stopped so early for me.
So now I endeavor to truly be me. I don’t know what it’s going to look like, but I just can’t live with myself anymore. I don’t like the hardness. I’m tired of defending myself. I know I have a husband that will hold my hand and guide me through it all. I just want to be me, my daddy’s Funny Face, and my Sir’s little kippy.