Dominant and Submissive Types?

I’ve explored this question since the beginning and I feel it is one everyone needs to explore and try to answer. We all have many facets to our personalities and we will all have some common threads, but each of us is unique.

I more easily write from the perspective of a married D/s relationship, but I’m sure what I share will be beneficial to any Dominant or submissive. I more easily write from a Dominant (male) and submissive (female) point of view, but feel free to change pronouns.

I think we marry who we marry because we recognize qualities and behaviors in the other that we instinctively know will enhance ourselves and the would-be marriage. If your D/s discovery happend way down the road of matrimony you may be surprised to find that you are well-suited to one another as Dominant/submissive, even though D/s probably wasn’t on your radar once upon a time.

Ok, so now everything is out on the table and open, you’ve decided this is the life for you,  and you’re walking along your journey. You want very much to make it all better and stronger, but there are times your submission or your Domination doesn’t go like it should or the way you see it in your head. You’re not sure how to please him and he is confused as to why you don’t do what he’s asking. Maybe some questions need to be answered?

1) What is my submissive type?

2) What is my Dominant type?

3) What do I want in a submissive?

4) What do I want in a Dominant?

Many people in the D/s lifestyle are unattached before seeking a partner and will seek out the type of submissive or Dominant that floats their boats. If you’re married, you have who you have and need to make it work with that person. Like I said earlier, more than likely this person in well-suited to you, but fine-tuning needs to happen because many years of married vanilla life needs to be peeled back and put in the compost pile. We are all slowly exposing ourselves to the core and if you’re like me, you’re surprised by what you find hidden in those layers.

I used my awesome investigation techniques (meaning I Googled it), and found many sites that broke down different types of submissives, but they were more along the lines of bratty sub, natural sub, etc (not what I was after). There were also some that were condescending and we’ll just not give them the time of day. I found a few blogs that did a fine job of explaining. Here is one taken from http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com/2010/09/different-kinds-of-submissives.html

Different Kinds of Submissives

This post will be short and simple! I don’t like many of the online “Types of Submissives” Guides, which make it seem like there is a right kind of a submissive and several wrong kinds, or else use deragatory names to refer to submissives. So I’m making my own list!

There are a few different kinds of submissives:

• service
• sexual
• household
• all of the above
• pain

The service submissive is probably the most common in my experience. This submissive spends a lot of time doing acts of service, such as drawing the Dom’s bath, massaging him (or her) when he’s tense, bringing him food and drink, or otherwise making his life more comfortable.

The sexual submissive may not bring the Dom his coffee every morning, but she is sexually available for him at all times. The training for these kinds of submissives often includes sexual training to enlarge the anus for more easy anal sex, learning to deep throat, and other sexual services.

The household submissive is less common, but this sub spends his or her time cleaning, taking care of the household chores, cooking, and keeping the home neat and welcoming. The only time I’ve ever heard of someone being ONLY a household sub was a poly situation where other subs were already meeting the Master’s needs for sex, service, and companionship.

All of the above submissives incorporate sexual submission, care of the household, and service. These are most common in monogamous BDSM relationships.

Pain submissives are, simply put, masochists. They often don’t enjoy other aspects of submission, but they do enjoy pain. These submissives are often only submissive in the bedroom or during a play session, but revert back to an equal relationship when not getting his or her “pain needs” met.

I really respect this author for realizing that you actually can be a combination of all these types and I would even dare say that you can factor in Pain submissive, because there are days when you just want a spanking. Am I right, ladies?

Here’s a really good breakdown of Dominant types from http://louisvillefringe.com/?p=229, and like the previous author, came to the conclusion that Dominants are a combination as well:

What kind of Dominant?

In my relationship with my Sir, we have striven to incorporate a certain amount of structure, including rules and protocols. Out of an interest for that which my Sir is interested in, I am currently reading through a book called “Discipline: Adding rules and discipline to your BDSM relationship” by Lilly Loyd to further my own understanding of the hows and whys of this aspect of our relationship. I haven’t finished it yet, but wanted to touch on something that I found particularly interesting that I read today.

According to Loyd, there are three basic kinds of rules: rituals and protocols, standing orders, and behavior modifications. Rituals and protocols include things like how you greet your Dominant when coming home, or whether or not you utilize furniture, or how you refer to them (Sir, Master, Daddy, etc.). Standing orders include “blanket” rules such as disallowing orgasms without permission, requiring meal planning or daily to do lists, etc. Behavior modifications include those rules which alter or begin a habit such as placing keys in a certain place (one of my own rules, due to the fact that I was forever losing my keys), or requiring exercise a certain number of times a week, etc.

The differences between the three types of rule seems a simple enough concept. I’d never really thought of it that way before so it was interesting. But wait….there’s more.

If there are three different types of rules, Loyd goes on to question if there are then three different types of Dominants. Hmmm…..alright, I’ll bite. Here’s what Loyd says (paraphrased):

The Ritual and Protocol Dominant:

A Dominant who’s very pragmatic and likes concrete, tangible outcomes may favor rituals and protocols. They’re the kind of Dominant who might be able to step into the role of Emperor or Empress…expecting you to simply hang around and be available for use. They are aware of subtle details in your appearance, attire, and demeanor and are likely to be very aware of body language during a scene.

The Standing Orders Dominant:

The type of Dominant you imagine when you hear the word “strict.” They have standards they live by – and will impose them on you. They like things done the right way…their way. They manage their own lives smoothly, with to do lists which they often place before anything else. They have a solid sense of order and routine.

The Behavior Modifications Dominant:

This Dominant’s motto is “It’s for your own good.” They get pleasure out of seeing others improve, even if it does not directly benefit them, the Dominant. They are obsessed with your inner workings and how to “fix” flaws. They are often sweet and caring and are proud of you when you do something to improve your life or break bad habits. They have a talent for abstract, long term plans.

As I read through the (longer) descriptions I couldn’t help but wonder which category my own Dominant would fall into. We have a variety of “rules” which seem to span all three of the categories. While at first I tried to box my Sir into one of the types, as I thought about it I realized that I think the writer is wrong. I like her analysis, don’t get me wrong here, but I think more often than not people…Dominants….are a mixture of those three categories. I don’t know if anyone could be a pure type. If you are reading this and you think you identify as a “pure type”, please comment below! In my opinion, having a mixture of the different types of rules/Dominants is healthy and not at all a bad thing.

On the other hand, and playing my own devil’s advocate, maybe there are people…submissive types….who don’t need one or more of the types of rules. Maybe you need some rituals but don’t necessarily need or want any behavior modification rules. I’m not here to judge…what’s right for me might not be right for you and so on….

All in all, I simply find the concept interesting, although I conclude that it doesn’t apply to MY specific dynamic. I’m interested in what this author has to say further in her book….

If you want to have some fun, take the submissive type test over at http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-submissive-type-test. I’ll post my results in the reply. Anyone know of a good Dominant type test? We all know it’s easy to manipulate these tests to try and to get the answers you’d like, but take it honestly and let us know what you find out.

My sum total of all of this is that no one fits in a box and days, times, and situations ebb and flow. We all need to have flexibility and we each need to hold up our end of the bargain to the best of our abilities. It gets hard, but remember, you’re in this for the long haul, so put into place those rituals and reminders that will get you over hurdles. Then take all of the above and throw in healthy doses of love, compassion, sensitivity, mercy, and grace and I believe you’ll have a life-long D/s-M that will be the envy of all your vanilla friends and D/s-ers, too.

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