Sad

I woke up very sad today. A part of my life came to an end yesterday, and as much as I think I’m strong and can handle it, I’m really hurt.

She was first a Pastor, then a study and bible teaching partner, then a Co-worker, then a very close friend who was even in the delivery room when our son was born, then she was (I thought) part of the family. Last, she was my employer. The first year was great. I needed a part time job, she owned a small bookkeeping company. I worked 2 days in the office and 2-3 days at home. Today I send her my 24th and final invoice.

It all started going bad in January when each week my hours started gradually getting cut. I knew she was having problems, but she wouldn’t talk. Even to this day she won’t talk. She has been so passive aggresively dealing with me. The most minor thing turned into a snotty little note waiting for me on my keyboard. She was never in the office when I worked and if she was she purposely dodged me. My hours got reduced to one day a week and for a reason I can’t explain, I didn’t quit. I tried to talk to her and a couple of times I sent pleading texts and did not receive an answer. We didn’t hang out anymore. She is part of an extended circle of friends so I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again, but it’ll be awkward.

Last week I told her I was quitting and she gave me the option of working until I found something else. I needed to make it effective immediatly. Yesterday I dropped off my company credit card and the keys. I didn’t leave a note. A few hours later I received a text that read, “See you around sometime.”

I want to shrug it off, but I can’t. I didn’t shed a tear when I quit because a job’s a job. But losing a friend…that hurts. My husband is glad I finally let go. He wanted me to quit for a long time. He saw the downward spiral and wanted to protect my heart. Out of the kindness of his heart he never gave me an ultimatum. He could have ordered me to quit and being the sub that I am, I would have done so. He knew I needed time because this wasn’t just any job. I had to go through a grieving process and I was finally ready to say goodbye because I knew the friendship was over as much as the job. He told me he was proud of me.

I see that I’m loyal to a fault. If I say you’re my friend it means something. I also know that I’m an emotional masochist. I’m learning, with help from my husband, how to not let people emotionally hurt me, but it may take a while.

I put on a brave face yesterday for the sake of the kids, but last night, against my better judgement, I cried myself to sleep.

49 thoughts on “Sad

  1. That’s the worst. I’m so sorry about losing your friendship, and I hope you can work past it quickly, but I’m glad you finally found the courage to quit. Sometimes I’m shocked by the coldness of people. I too have difficulty ending “toxic” relationships, and if a job were tethering it, it would be impossible. *Hugs!*

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    • Thank you. I wish it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does. I’ve been denying my feelings for months and putting up a strong front, but I won’t get over it unless I let it all out.

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      • I’ve bottled for so long, I’m not sure what that feels like, to let it all out. I’m working on that, but it’s hard… for an emotional masochist! (Thanks for that term, I’m always wanted to put a name on it!!)

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        • Yes I bottle it up for far too long as well. I think it is because I was emotionally abused growing up and when you get that from people you love you think if you hang in there they’ll realize it and stop. That phrase sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me is a lie from the pit of hell. I can live with physical pain, but emotional pain is what can take me down.

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  2. i so sorry Elle…I do know that feeling very well…all I can say is your a good person Elle and remember that. if you need an ear or want to just talk you have my number. πŸ™‚
    Lts

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    • Thank you Lts. I was actually teying to finish my Kink, Fetish, and Fantasy Friday post, but couldn’t get into it. I’m meetkng a mutual friend and her family in a little while so our kids can play together in the fountains at the park. I don’t know if I should bring it up.

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  3. We’ll I’m glad to know you aren’t beating yourself up alone and the kids will like the park. I can’t tell you if you should tell your friend or not because I do not know the person. All I can say is if you feel it that you should… than do it. Trust is a hard limit for me for reason that you know…I do not have close friends here because of it. It would hurt me to much and probably set the progress I have made back to the stone age. πŸ™‚ Sometimes people don’t realize how hurtful they can be by being silent towards you….when if they just came out and told you why things between you changed. It would hurt but you wouldn’t feel empty inside…..Have fun with your kids at the park. πŸ™‚
    Lts

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      • Don’t let it! It’s not worth it…let the guilt lay where it belongs….which is on her. You tried to communicate she didn’t reciprocate back. Her mistake! I think you need a big SPANKING. πŸ™‚
        Lts.

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          • I received mine also but won’t get the enjoyment of meeting it till Saturday. πŸ™‚ I have received everything but the Tens Unit that should be here buy tomorrow.We will see. πŸ™‚
            Lts

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  4. So sorry Elle, I truly believe that friendships are a blessing and one is lost its very heart wrenching. Have only met you through these blogs but what I can tell you are a very strong and compassionate person with lots to offer to others.. You will get through this trial and with the help of your true friends and fellow bloggers!! Have a blessed day with your children and friend!!! Look forward to your friday post!! πŸ™‚

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    • Thank you for your kind words. I never understand it when people just won’t be true. I have not been invaluable, but I’ve always been her friend and would have continued to do so until the end. Friendship doesn’t mean perfection, it means loving each other in spite of the imperfections.

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  5. I’m sorry Elle! Losing a friendship is very hard. Allow yourself to grieve its ok and know that others are at your back supporting you. Hugs!

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  6. So sorry! It is always difficult to loose a friend. Especially when you have no idea what has happened because they simply shut down instead of being honest. I was having this discussion with a friend yesterday, something very similar happened to her recently. But she has peace about it now and has moved on.

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    • I’ll move on too, I know I will. Yes it’s true, when people are not honest it with you it can rip you up. I pride myself on being an honest person and I unfortunately I expect others to give me that same courtesy.

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  7. You know my opinion.. Let her go! She wanted in your family.. Not your friendship… Your no longer any interest to her because you didn’t give her that status… You know I’m sending hugs and a couple grabs… Smile … Girl!
    LK β€πŸ‡

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  8. I’m sorry to hear about this. It is so unfortunate that things like this happen, especially to good people. But like LK said, definitely her loss! ((Hugs))

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  9. Sorry Elle that you are sad, when a friendship or a relationship ends I look at it this way, they were put here at that time in our lives for a reason, and when they are gone, although you may grieve that lost, you move on and realize all the other great relationships you have. I only know you through the blog, but you seem like an awesome, caring, spiritual, loving, funny person, that any one would be blessed to call a friend. Sending you HUGS!!!

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    • Thank you for those words. It is really appreciated. I agree, people are here sometimes for short time and it’s up to us to learn from that experience. I spent a little time with a friend today and she helped me put some things into perspective.

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  10. So sorry. I’m loyal like that too…I really do not toss the term “friend” around lightly. So when it goes bad, I tend to suffer for a bit in the name of friendship and when the time comes to sever ties, it is difficult. Grieve for what you had, then be thankful the stress is gone. Hugs.

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  11. Funny (not funny) how we all have stories that relate. I learned from experience that some loses are due to a much deeper reason. Maybe she is having problems that she is ashamed of or can’t handle. Doesn’t want to discuss for so many reasons that fall so deep that she can’t bring herself to open up. Maybe she forced you to make the move she wanted to make because she didn’t have the courage.
    Regardless. You were brave enough to move on. And with time. Like myself was able to move on. Your husband sounds like a gem.
    I hope you find it easier as each day passes. And it will. You at your family and be grateful for that.
    Sorry don’t mean to preach. I just hate pain. Any kind of pain. And wish for yours to leave. Cheers to you and your husband. Xxhugs.

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  12. I really appreciate your kind words. I think you’re right and she can’t/won’t tell me. I do have suspicions amd in due time truth always gets revealed. In the meantime, I have some beautiful new friends who aren’t judgemental and I have a sexy husband who’s my Dom and who cares for me in the most loving ways.

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  13. Your story is one I think a lot of people can relate to, so thanks for getting it out here in blog land. It’s funny, as coach2dom says, you deserve better friends. Sometimes we don’t always see that… especially if you are a giving and thoughtful person. Sometimes you love so much and people who don’t have their stuff together just deplete you and don’t give back.

    Being amateur detective here and probably completely wrong… but your post had a few things that to me might be some puzzle pieces fitting together. Your boss/friend was a pastor/bible study co-leader. You began blogging in February and say things started going bad in January. Do you see where I’m going? Is there any way she may have read your blog? Again, if she was reading it at your invitation… maybe a red herring. Still, all these coincidences stuck out to me.

    I often shudder to think if my “church friends/pastor/pastor’s wife” were to read my blog (my very best, truest life-long friends are the only people I know who read my blog). I’m afraid they’d only see the negative stuff, the damnable stuff, my crazy past, or the stuff that makes them uncomfortable (the kinks)–and judge me. I had a lady comment on my post recently who really dressed me down about not having a good Christian witness by writing what I’ve written on my blog. Sometimes I wonder if she’s right but have other ideas too (you can read my response to her http://desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2013/07/19/thrill-seeking )

    I’m sorry though– the reasons aren’t always the important thing, it’s just how lousy it makes you feel no matter how you try to justify it. Take care! You sound like a friend well worth having!

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    • Thank you for your concern. There is no way she could ever possibly know. I have never mentioned a word of my blog or my lifestyle to her or any of the other girls in our social circle. At this point though, if she knew, it wouldn’t bother me in the least. I know her past and and she knows mine. We have respect for each other there and I know without a doubt she would never use these kinds of things against me. I have an idea of what she’s going through and I do know that the truth always get revealed in the end. It is so much better if you personally tell the truth rather than have it tumbling out from someone else. I would much rather reveal the truth on my own terms. Regardless, I have moved on now and my heart is better. I had to put it all in perspective.

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