Hit Me With Your Best Shot: How BDSM Made Me More Mindful

I saw this article this morning and it’s had me thinking all day. The author really nails it for me about what if feels like to give up control. Like the author, I have a mind that doesn’t stop and I’ve tried meditation over the years, but it never worked. This life is the only thing that has EVER gotten me to stop and focus completely and totally in the moment. I don’t have my to do list running in the back of my head and I don’t think about what I look like or who I am. I am connected to him and his touch and his words and his control. I am completely and totally in the moment and I am his.

Hit Me with Your Best Shot: 3 Ways BDSM Made Me More Mindful. {Adult}

hot bondage girl

My first introduction to kink happened at a goth bar and involved a guy with a Pauly D haircut, a custom made wooden paddle and my ass.

I wasn’t expecting the encounter when I put on a black dress and joined my co-worker for a night of drinks and Depeche Mode, but the initial stings sparked new sensations that alerted me to ways of feeling I never thought possible.

Pauly-D-Hair had gone to a fetish ball the night before; while there, he spanked all the (consenting) women who walked by with his brand new toy. I am a curious cat and I wanted to know more about the fetish ball—what was it, who was there, what happened at one. He answered my questions, but kept returning to the paddle, he just wouldn’t shut up about how amazing it was and how everyone who felt it loved it, etc. Finally, I made him retrieve it so I could discover what all the fuss was about.

In the middle of the crowded club, he bent me over his knee and lifted up my dress exposing my lacy underwear to the world. The object was like a giant wooden spoon and when it came down across my ass, a mega-rush of energy and excitement surged through my body. Was it the exhibitionism of it? Was it the literal pain? Was it the psychology of doing something outside of the small box of acceptable sexual behavior? Perhaps it was a little bit of all three. It wasn’t glittery glamour sexy, it was the deep recesses of a dark cold dungeon sexy. And I realized that’s where I wanted to be.

We set up a scene.

And then another.

I’ve always been a rather high-strung person; I’ve had plenty of friends tell me how much I would benefit from meditation, but I was always like, “whatever, I’m fine.” I’ve been lightly experimenting with different avenues of BDSM for almost a year now and through this journey I have discovered that it has brought me much closer to mindfulness and a sense of calm being—a place I would not have gone without experimenting with my masochistic side.

Three Ways BDSM Made Me More Mindful

1. Practiced Stillness

“Cuffs or rope?” he asked me. It was my first time in a “scene.”

“Rope,” I said, wanting him to work for it.

I didn’t want the restraint of me to be easy.

But then, there I was, naked, wrists over my head, tied to a metal hook in the ceiling.

I’ve always been the leader of a group. I’ve bossed my past boyfriends around easily without even blinking. I’ve persistently complained about any injustice I see come my way. I’ve stood up for the weirdos and the outcasts. I’ve studied and studied the patriarchal system, misogyny, power dynamics;  yet, nothing has felt better than for a moment in time being able to let that all go. To be still. To allow someone else complete control and just be. No decisions, no defending, no debate.

It took me being tied up, unable to move, to realize the value in stillness. I realized it was time to stop running from my problems and get tough—take a couple of hits and power through. If I can take a beating in the bedroom, I can take on any sort of challenges that come my way outside it—and perhaps even enjoy overcoming them.

bdsm scrabble

2. Present in the PleasurePain

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life but the ability to cope with it.” ~ Unknown

The practice of BDSM requires absolute trust in the partner at play.

When he released his hands from my throat he asked me why I liked what he did.

“It’s because you’re paying attention,” I said.

bdsm rope work

The art of domination and submission takes concentration, complete communication and knowledge of how the body functions and speaks. When I am spanked or choked or slapped, I become present with the sensation. I am nowhere else but where I am. The hits awaken my sense of being; I’m not thinking about my past or future, I am letting the body flow, savoring the moment of intensity between my partner and I.

3. Escape to Sub Space

I have a few friends who are mega into meditating; they spend hours at a time doing it. I know that a major element of meditating is learning how to clear the mind. For those who may not be into meditating or want to attempt to get to that clearness another way, entering what’s known as sub space in a scene is a good way to do such clearing. Sub space is often characterized as a state of deep recession, a way for submissives to separate themselves from their environment in order to process the experience.

stilness

The intensity of a BDSM scene, the restraints, the infliction of pain, causes the body to release enough chemicals—epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a big dose of endorphins and enkephalins—that the body turns into a near trance-like state. This feels like floating, perhaps one could compare it to being slightly high, you’re there but everything surrounding is faded and nothing really matters anymore.

The body is much stronger than we often give it credit. As a submissive, I am curious to see how far I can push it, how much I can take; at what point does pleasure from pain turn into just pain, and how will I react? How will my dom? When I go into subspace and come back, how will I have changed?

The difference between meditators and masochists is the avenue in which stress is relieved, but the outcome can be quite similar: relaxation, slower heart rate, lower blood pressure and lowered stress hormones.

After a scene I feel calmer; in days that follow I actually feel more in charge of my body and my mind than before. I don’t find weakness in my submission in the bedroom, I find pleasure and presence and peace.

31 thoughts on “Hit Me With Your Best Shot: How BDSM Made Me More Mindful

  1. Brilliant article. Thanks for sharing! Like you, this is the only way I have ever had my brain get quiet, in my entire life. That stillness – just the ability to BE and feel – is something I had resigned myself to never having. So much to say, but… Very very thankful for so many things…

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    • I totally hear you. My mind never stops. I crave the stillness…the floating…the subspace. All the tension melts away. I find I’m able now to slow down. It was an adjustment at first because I stopped wanting to do all the junk I used to do to fill my time. Only the important things matter to me now.

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  2. I have always lacked the ability to clear my mind. There always seems to be 452 things speeding through it at once at any given time. I find this to be interesting as well. I got a small taste the other night of what it’s like to clear my mind of all but my Husband (am going to try to write a bit about it later). It makes me more even more sure that this lifestyle is the right direction for us.

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  3. Fantastic post Elle..Its making me think about where I lam in this whole picture. Because I can be alone and kneel and get my head clear but than there are lot of times it doesn’t work and I need that restraint but I also enjoy getting paddled and more I love the state of floating in subspace and it scares me a bit because I do like pain and without it the pleasure isn’t for filling for me.I also know that it will get to a point that I will want more I do know that my Sir will always make sure I’m safe and my trust in him is solid. But at times I think I want to push to go farther. Not good! Scary!
    Lts♥

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    • I always want to be pushed. The pain enhances the pleasure so much and I crave more because floating in subspace is incredibly peaceful. Our Sirs know how to pace us, but I think they are pacing themselves, too. I really think my Sir is amazed by how much I can actually take.

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      • I love being pushed….but it I still wonder when enough is enough. Scary like I said and I know our Sirs pace themselves as do we. But.. when you say your Sir is amazed at what you can take…doesn’t that ever scare you that you will want more since you like it so much.
        Lts♥

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        • It scares me that he’ll never go there because it might feel to him that it’s too much. He’s far from a sadist and is more into the sensual aspect. He gives me the pain because he knows I need it. He loves bondage, however.

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              • I hear you about exploring it but I try to keep it in check because I don’t want to come to terms at what I might realize. Sir and I have discussed it some about me. Sir has limits I know this for a fact that he would not be pushed passed them. Which is good.

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  4. I love this post! Same here….my mind just doesn’t shut down easily. Ive only hit subspace a few times….it was amazing! I didn’t want to come back down…very addictive! ♥

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    • Ok obviously newbie here.. I know what sub space is and I have read about it… Never been there yet..maybe cuz my mind is not clear.. Am I right.. I want to experience but not sure how to get there in my mind.. Such a newbie question lol!!

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      • My Kink, Fetish, and Fantasy Friday tomorrow is all about this and I’m going to go into real detail. There really is a method to releasing hormones like endorphins. Preparation is a big key for both Dom and sub so that you’re in the right head-space as you enter into a scene.

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      • I’ve only experienced a couple times myself…..so I’m not sure if I can help….but its this kinda fuzzy feeling. Once your mind is completely clear….you are only thinking of your Sir…and the sensations happening to your body. ..you just sort of float away. I don’t think I made it happen….it just hapened. Been over a month for me…I crave it now…

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    • I think part of that roller coaster ride is because you crave the peace that you get from being totally dominated and then you’re back in reality the next day. My Sir and I talked about how I can manage better through the week. He’s been sending me text messages the last couple of days that helped me get through the day and bring my mind back in focus.

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  5. Yes, yes, yes. Totally can relate. It feels so good to talk to others who have the same feelings, the same reactions, same needs. Lts–“I do like pain and without it the pleasure isn’t for filling for me.” EXACTLY! Vanilla sex is just getting harder and harder for me to get into. Sometimes I feel dizzy with these concepts and desires.. In my case I feel like first my DH has to understand sex 101 before he can go on to BDSM. And I do wonder so much about that desire –no, that NEED–for pain… although I’ve never been taken to any real pain limit with my DH, I do worry that there may never be an end in sight for me. And it’s just so hard to explain it to DH, who is a gentle-natured man (couldn’t even spank our children, never raises his voice… I recall Elle saying that about her sir too…). I want to explore, I want that subspace, I want to feel his control. I want to feel red and sore. Yet the thought of anyone else being in control scares the heck out of me. It could only be someone I trust, and the only man I’ve ever come to trust is my DH. And Elle, so highly “evolved” in my mind is your man, “He gives me the pain because he knows I need it.” How secure he has to be!

    And that is why I keep coming back to talk to you all and listen to you. We have that same DNA, that same need, and at least I can feel somewhat “normal” in your company. And you give me hope that this is all possible.

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  6. DD, has your husband ever played any sports or done anything physically challenging like construction, farm work, or lifted heavy in a gym? My husband understands pain and knows the endorphin rush of physically challenging himself because he’s an athlete. You don’t play Div I football and not learn what real pain is. Working out is really just a system of tearing down the muscle so the fibers build back up stronger and more resilient. It’s the same thing with BDSM. The more you do the more you’re able to take. Yes, my husband is very gentle…he’s never spanked the kids and doesn’t yell even when he’s coached 300 lb college football players. He feels if he has to yell to get you to do what you’re supposed to do then he’s not doing his job. He doesn’t believe in fear motivation, but he’s tough and doesn’t let anyone get away with anything. He’s had high school athletes join the military and they always come back from boot camp saying it didn’t even compare to the workouts he put them through. They could take anything the military threw at them.

    Anyway, as gentle and sweet as he is, he’s also able to really cut loose. He’ll laugh louder than anyone in the room, he’ll jump around and get really excited at someone’s success (from an A+ on a paper to breaking a track and field record), he’ll dance like crazy on the dance floor and we regularly have dance parties with the kids in the living room. He knows how to get out of his own head and be in the moment and enjoy what’s going on right in front of him. I say all this because your husband sounds really self-conscious and gets stuck in his own head. I think that ‘s your biggest barrier. Do you two ever go do things that take you out of your comfort zone? You may need to start there and work your way up. Do new activities together, not the same old same old.

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  7. Pingback: Project August: Day 17 – Yet Another Short Post | Liberate One

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