For The World To Know…

I still feel the same and always will. As we approach our 25th anniversary I want you to know that I’m even more in love with you than ever. Thank you for just being you. You saved me, but I know you will say it is I that save you. We saved each other.

The Submission of Elle

He never gave up on me even though we were on the edge more times than should have ever been allowed.

We have come together and found our balance in every major life situation.

I know he will never abandon me.

If anyone tries to hurt me he’s the first one there as my shield and my sword.

He loves women…truly loves them. He finds us fascinating and delightful. He appreciates our subtleties and nuances. He is an amazing father to our daughter because he appreciates femininity.

He is the best example our son could ever have and to my delight, our son is exactly like him.

He loves to laugh more than anything and tells the worst jokes. His smile lights up the room.

He is a romantic.

When he makes a promise he keeps it.

He works hard and smart.

His character is above reproach.

He’s proud, yet humble…

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50 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex, but Doesn’t

Yes, finally, as promised, but better late than never.

If you missed the list for men you can find it here.

In case you’re wondering why everything on these two lists isn’t specifically about sex, it’s because sex is not just a physical act, it’s also mental, emotional, and even spiritual. I write from a D/s perspective so for those involved in D/s you’ll see how relatable these items are to your relationship, but even for many men and women of different relationships, the build up to great sex starts with your mind and then continues with your words and actions. Let me know what you think.

Enjoy ~Elle xxoo

  1. You should know that the quality of your sex life will affect your relationship and numerous other areas of your life
  2. You should know how to love him unconditionally
  3. You should know his inner, secret longing and desires
  4. You should know his priorities in life
  5. You should know how he evaluates you and your femininity
  6. You should know how to make him feel like a man
  7. You should know what makes him feel needed
  8. You should know that he craves to own you
  9. You should know that he desires to be served by you
  10. You should know that he wants to be respected by you
  11. You should know that he wants to be appreciated by you
  12. You should know that he wants to be admired by you
  13. You should know that he wants you to be proud of him
  14. You should know that he wants praise from you
  15. You should know that he want you to be as consistent as you expect him to be
  16. You should know how to read his facial expressions and body language
  17. You should know that he cannot read your mind
  18. You should know that he wants you to understand when to speak and when to listen
  19. You should know that he wants you to pay attention when he speaks
  20. You should know that he does not want to be compared to other men
  21. You should know that he wants to guard your heart, protect your emotions, defend your honor, and stand as a champion for your spiritual, mental, and physical well-being
  22. You should know that the confidence you exude is a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  23. You should know that how you take care of yourself is also a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  24. You should know that there is nothing more beautiful, captivating, attractive, and sensual to him than when you glow with an inner grace
  25. You should know that although he will do everything to make you happy, he wants you to find the happiness that comes from inside
  26. You should know what relaxes him
  27. You should know that he needs time and space to process and evaluate
  28. You should know how to intensify his dominance
  29. You should know how to obey his directives
  30. You should know that he wants you to be honest with him
  31. You should know that everyone is not having more or better sex than you
  32. You should know he wants you to be proactive and learn what works to transition from your everyday life to your D/s life
  33. You should know your clitoris is basically a tiny penis, but is mostly internal
  34. You should know your vagina is like a snowflake; each one is different and unique
  35. You should know that any shame, guilt, or fear you carry will keep you from enjoying pleasure
  36. You should know that he really enjoys pleasing you
  37. You should know that he loves it when you love your body
  38. You should know how to talk dirty
  39. You should know how to talk enticingly and seductively
  40. You should know how to tease his body and draw out his excitement
  41. You should know every erogenous zone on his body
  42. You should know how to use your mouth and tongue to drive him wild with pleasure
  43. You should know he doesn’t want you to hold anything back
  44. You should know where your G-spot is
  45. You should know how to heighten his sensations with small adjustments
  46. You should know how to get an insatiable sex drive
  47. You should know how to increase your sexual energy
  48. You should know how to control your orgasms
  49. You should know that he wants to watch you enjoy touching yourself
  50. You should know that there is more than one sexual prime, which can peak at various stages depending on factors such as emotional health, physical health, and current state of family life

The Healthy Female Submissive

I found this article a while back and just reread it! Fabulous information. Enjoy! ~Elle

The Healthy Female Submissive

By Submissive Women
Published:October 30, 2002
By Yaldah Tovah, M.D.

“Discipline gives total freedom;
it allows you to go beyond your limitations,
to break through boundaries and reach the highest goal.
The path to discipline will not only save a person’s life,
it will also give it meaning. How?
By introducing him to deeper joys and deeper longings,
by creating a silence in which the whisper of the heart can be heard.
Truly, discipline is the road to liberation.”

–Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

In this discussion, I will be talking primarily about the female heterosexual submissive, because I don’t know enough about non-heterosexual female submissives and Dominants to know whether this analysis is completely applicable. This focus is not to suggest that lesbian female submissives and their challenges are less worthy of study, merely that I am not equipped at this time to do such a study.

So often, women who are newly aware of their submissive needs endure a period of self doubt around the troubling question: am I sick?

I’ve seen women read the psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) and then ask, “do I have borderline personality disorder?”

I am writing here not ONLY about the sexual aspects: “am I sick because I get turned on by images of being taken, used, forced, swept away by masculine energy more powerful than my own?”; I am also writing about the nonsexual aspects of being submissive: “am I sick because I yearn to depend on, and follow the lead of, a man stronger than myself?”

I will attempt to address both aspects in this essay.

What precisely fuels this kind of question, “am I sick?” Why would a woman discovering the language of her nature think she has a mental disorder? Or at the very least, have something very wrong with her?

A submissive discovers, or more properly, realizes and acknowledges that she functions AT HER BEST in relation to another. And the more intimate, holding, containing that relationship, the better she feels and the better she performs in cardinal areas of adult life: work, friendships, and parenting. Realizing she is at her best in such relation makes her wonder why she can’t do it for herself? Why does she need such a relationship to accomplish what she should be able to do for herself?

In thinking about this, I have come to question the cultural determinants of what is considered the highest good. Here in Western society, we place highest value on independence, on “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”, on the lone pioneer, the trailblazer, the less needy and more self sufficient. We value competition over cooperation, tangible achievement over achievement in relationship. We pay big bucks to men (and the few women) who run big corporations, and less to the nursery school teachers, the nurses, the secretaries, the social workers, the caregivers rather than the producers.

There is something wrong with believing that such independence is the only good. It is especially wrong for the most relatedness-oriented among us, the submissive female.

Part of the newly aware submissive’s task is to separate out the internalized voices of her culture: those voices that tell her she is too needy, too dependent, too focused on the others in her life. Once she can articulate what those voices tell her, she can begin to question not HERSELF, but the validity of those internalized values, using her own yardstick to measure her life, rather than our culture’s standard.

We can see how perspective is critical in understanding a phenomenon. In a study of moral development in children, for example, Dr. Robert Coles researched how children decide what is good and right. To do this, he presented several scenarios describing a moral or ethical dilemma, presented the scenario to school age children, and analyzed the results. The description of the study here is to illustrate the nature of cultural bias and it’s impact on individuals.

One of Dr. Cole’s scenarios was as follows:

A man has a very, very sick wife, so sick she could die if she doesn’t get a particular, very expensive medicine. The man doesn’t have the money for the medicine, so in desperation he steals it from a pharmacy.

The children are asked questions about this scenario. Coles found that boys tended to conclude that the man should be punished, because the law is the law, and nobody should break the law. Coles saw this as a higher order of moral reasoning, reflecting the statement, “a nation of laws, not of men.” That is, that nobody is above the law, and the rule of law is not situationally defined. The boys applied an abstract universal principle to a singular instance. Coles understood this ability to transcend the personal as a “more evolved” form of moral development.

The girls were deeply troubled by the scenario, and most of them sought ways to solve the man’s problem within the context of relatedness: they wondered if the man could ask the pharmacist for the medicine, and offer to work for him to pay for it, or pay him back later. They wondered if the man had friends who could help him pay for the medicine, and they believed he shouldn’t be punished for his act of desperation. Their sense of right was situational, and defined within the context of relatedness. They did not come to articulate an abstract universal principle, but sought to solve the problem within the context presented. Coles saw this as a less logical, lower order of moral development because the girls could not emotionally distance themselves from the central human drama in the scenario.

After Coles’ work was published a woman named Carol Gilligan reviewed the studies that Coles had done and reanalyzed them, in a book called, “In a Different Voice.” Rather than seeing the boys’ responses as evidence of “higher” development and the girls’ as “lower” she redefined them as different. And she pointed out that the girls responses, so firmly rooted in human context and relatedness were devalued by a society in which the typically masculine is of more cultural worth than the typically feminine. She asked, “why is it considered a ‘higher’ order of moral development to value universal principle over human context?” and in so doing highlighted the sexism inherent in the analysis.

As we can see, this type of analysis is extremely useful in understanding typical submissive conflicts. We tend to ask the wrong questions: “am I bad, sick, weak?”, when we should be asking, “is there something missing from the yardstick I use to measure myself?”

If one looks at capacity for relatedness as a strength, as a good, then it becomes clear that the submissive has a talent for this, for relatedness. And that seeking a partner who can meet her need for this relatedness is a good thing, a healthy thing.

If we begin our analysis without the cultural assumptions about what is of “higher” value, we can begin to understand that it is possible for a woman to be submissive, and to be healthy. And we can try to imagine what a healthy submissive functions like, and how she developed her adult personality. Let’s start backwards, and ask ourselves, what might a healthy adult submissive woman “look” like, psychologically speaking:

1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent “wrongness” about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself “as is,” is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.

What makes a woman a submissive?

As with all conjectures about human development, the answer is likely two-fold: a combination of nature and nurture, biology and environment.

There is a whole body of literature that makes observations about temperment. This literature talks about the variations in behavior in infancy as a manifestation of temperment: the expression of regularity, responsiveness, and reactivity. In the area of regularity, some infants are regular and predictable from the get-go: they sleep regularly, wake at predictable intervals to nurse, and have predictable periods of alertness in which they begin the earliest socialization. Some infants are irregular: they will one day sleep for an 8 hour stretch, then be awake all night, the next day they will sleep for one hour intervals through a 24 hour period. In the area of responsiveness, some infants will find novelty and intense stimulation aversive, and will withdraw or become irritable when presented with those; some infants are stimulated to engage and explore novelty and intense stimulation. Some infants have high thresholds for sensation, requiring a relatively intense stimulus to become aversive, some have low thresholds, and respond to mild stimulation. Some infants will for example, be intensely distressed by a wet diaper; some will not register discomfort until diaper rash sets in.

The sum total of these innate, biologically founded responses make up temperment. It is easy to see what people mean by an “easy” baby: one who sleeps, eats, and eliminates regularly and predictably; one who has a moderate response to stimulation, neither withdrawing nor reacting intensely; one who is drawn easily into social exchanges, and provides pleasurable reinforcement of socialization with their caregivers, one who is easily “read” and easily comforted, one who accepts change without undue distress.

I think one of the traits in this biologically grounded array that makes up temperment is common to all submissives. And that is social responsiveness. I would suggest that the baby who is tempermentally “set” to register and respond selectively and sensitively to social cues has the seeds of submissiveness in her nature. This is the baby that will search the environment for a human face; who will be attuned to, and very responsive to the human voice; who will preferentially and selectively attend to, and process, human interaction.

This baby, as she grows into childhood, will be easy to control, to shape, especially if she is tempermentally on the “easy” side. This little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to criticism and correction, to disapproval, to praise. Rather than requiring a raised voice to correct, a raised eyebrow will often do.

Even further, this little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to nuance: she will know when others are angry, hurt, sad, bewildered even when they are not spoken about. She has a “sixth sense” about people.

As children do, she requires the adults in her life to validate her perceptions when appropriate. Let’s say her parents are troubled by a financial stress, and like good, responsible parents seek to shield her from their stress. The child will pick up on the unspoken tension, sensitive as she is to subtleties of body language, voice pitch, facial expression. She might inquire of her parents what is wrong, and be told “nothing is wrong, honey… go and play.” This leaves the child confused: she knows in that way that she knows, that something is wrong. But her perceptions are not validated. She is told nothing is wrong. But her parents, who are not at their best, may be a little short with her, and picking THAT up too, she goes off to play concluding that she must have done something wrong, to be sent away. Part of this is the megalomania of childhood, part of this is a reasonable and logical synthesis of resolving the child’s felt sense of things with what she is told.

This kind of interaction, repeated over the years, in the BEST and most loving of families, leads to an adult personality in which there is some anxiety associated with relatedness. The submissive female learns to scan the social environment for signs of trouble, seeks to “fix” the trouble, and all too often, believes herself to be the cause of the trouble. If someone important is tired, the submissive has exhausted them. If someone important is angry, the submissive must have angered them. If someone important is disappointed, the submissive must have failed them.

This trait, this interpersonal sensitivity in its highest expression is when the submissive accurately registers interpersonal nuance, and responds to it with a minimum of self-referral, recognizing that other’s emotional states may have nothing to do with the submissive herself. This is how it works for the healthy submissive, who as an adult, often finds great fulfillment working in fields such as social work, nursing, medicine, counseling, teaching.

There are certain vulnerabilities a child constituted with a submissive nature faces.

Because of her intense awareness of interpersonal nuance, she is highly sensitive to both criticism and praise. When criticized, she is likely to feel intense shame; when praised, intense pleasure. Since the shame feels so bad, and the praise so pleasurable, she becomes a people-pleaser. This tends to lead to the development of what psychologists call “an external locus of control.” Meaning that child bases her self assessment (am I good or bad?) on factors outside herself. The female submissive defines herself based on what others tell her she is.

Parents have enormous responsibility with such an influenceable child. Nascent talents can either be nurtured or aborted with just a word. This child will likely live up, or down to, whatever is expected of her. Expect more than she can constitutionally do (like academic, athletic, or social success) and she will develop an intense sense of inferiority. Praise her out of proportion to her talents (this is the BEST drawing any child EVER did) and she will develop an inflated sense of self. Accurately and sensitively validate her real abilities and talents, and she will seek goals appropriate to her ability, and take pleasure in achieving them.

When the environment is reality based, sensitive, and balanced, the child grows up embracing her special ability to be “related” to others, to be sensitive, and has a sense of self in reasonable tune with her true abilities and vulnerabilities, neither excessively self effacing or self aggrandizing.

But if development should go awry, as it too often does for this child, the personality traits she has develop in a distorted manner, and cause her difficulties.

In dysfunctional families, this child suffers more than others with tougher hides, less reactive temperments. She is often the one singled out for physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Her very nature makes her available for use: for the parent’s angers, frustrations, sexual impulses, or narcissistic gratification.

When a submissive child is misused in this fashion, she is unable to utilize her interpersonal talents in a constructive way. She must either develop rigid defenses that constrain her ability to be flexible as an adult, or be blown about by the winds of other’s emotions all her life, or become stuck in what are popularly called, “co-dependent relationships.”

Women who emerge from childhood with these traits will be more or less consciously submissive in that they are STILL moldable, controllable by others. Those who don’t consciously seek a Dominant partner will naturally gravitate to a man who influences, controls her in a benevolent manner. Who accepts her, loves her, nurtures her, and values her sensitivity.

Those who consciously seek a Dominant partner are those who are perhaps, so sensitive that they require not only benevolence, but someone who understands PRECISELY how moldable and influence able they are, and is capable of using the power to mold her and influence her deliberately and consciously, for her good and the good of the relationship.

In that kind of relationship, the submissive is freed to be all of herself. She is safe enough to feel her exquisitely sensitive reactions to others, to play like a child, to give care and to take care, to be angry, to lose shame.

There is a strength beyond measure in self knowledge and acceptance. There is freedom in jettisoning shame, in letting go of “should’s.”

To know oneself as a submissive woman, to accept that it is neither the terrible thing that society tells us it is, nor the only right and true way to be for OTHERS, is to be free. What is, is.

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.

Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive’s need for relatedness for inability to be alone.

Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great deal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.

Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context.

My Truth ~ Part Two: My Sexual Awakening

Part One

I grew up in an Italian Catholic middle class house in the greater NYC area. My family was different than a lot of other Italian households, or so it seemed to me at the time. My father was the spitting image of the actor, Victor Mature, except dad was taller and broader and in the summer much darker. My mother, in her youth, looked very similar to Grace Kelly. My mother had done some runway modeling in NYC and my father had spent years playing minor league baseball, only to suffer a career-ending injury to his pitching arm during spring training after he had just been called up to the majors. I will always be a Yankee fan!

My father was somewhat of a hero to all who knew him. Aside from being tall, dark, and handsome, he was extremely talented. He was athletic and excelled at any sport he played, but baseball was obviously his passion. He could also sing opera and even performed while in college. He was extremely intelligent and was a product of a prestigious New York private school from Kindergarten through high school. He was funny and witty and made everyone around him laugh. He was well-mannered, gracious, and always a gentleman. He was larger than life. I could write volumes about my father and maybe one day I’ll write a book, but I’m here to write about my sexual awakening.

My father was what they used to refer to as a “ladies man.” Women really did throw themselves at him and I even witnessed it growing up. I have no idea if my father ever cheated on my mother. She adamantly denies that he ever faltered, but I have my suspicions. My mom seemed to go crazy right about when I was 10 or 11 and to my knowledge no cause was ever seriously given. At one point it was thrown around that she was hypoglycemic and that explained why she used to throw herself down the stairs in front of us young children and then supposedly pass out. It was during those episodes that my mother mysteriously spent two weeks in the hospital without visitors being allowed. Hypoglycemia my ass! My mother needed some psychiatric care. My father fell over backwards for my mother during that time. As an adult I recognize the actions of my father as someone filled with guilt and shame. Still, it’s just a theory. Some of the rumors about my dad before he was married to my mom were that he had an affair with the famous burlesque star, Blaze Starr, and that he even tried to pick up Jake LaMotta’s wife, Vikki, at a club. I know for a fact that my grandmother was arranging a marriage between my dad and the heiress to a well-known vineyard. It was right about that time my father met my mother. My mother tells me that my grandmother tried to buy her off so she wouldn’t marry my dad. Nice, grandma!

My great uncle owned a “candy store” just outside the Bronx. He sold candy, magazines, newspapers, and tobacco products. A lot of suspicious activity went on in that store (can you say running numbers or Italian lottery?), but one thing that came from that store directly into my house was a voluminous amount of porn magazines. I can’t tell you specifically which ones because the banners were always torn off. Nonetheless, there were stacks of them in the back of my father’s walk-in closet. I’m sure my brothers all found their way to those stacks, but I did as well. Later on we all generously helped ourselves to the cases of liquor my dad received as Christmas presents from law firms, but that was during the drug and alcohol years. I was a curious 8 year old who had recently heard as a 7 year old everything about reproductive systems and sex in front of many listening ears at the beach that summer from my overly zealous nurse mother. Nice, mom!

At 7/8 years old I could read and comprehend as well as an 8th grader so not only did I look at all the dirty pictures, but I read the stories as well and filled my head with all kinds of imagery. Emotionally I was, of course, a 7/8 year old so the motivations behind those stories in those magazines were confusing. However, I was fascinated and couldn’t get enough. I became addicted to porn at 8 years old. Nice, Elle!

I had my first orgasm at about the age of 9 and I wanted to try to have one for close to a year. I had a routine late Saturday afternoons if there wasn’t a game to go to or a project or chore that needed to be taken care of. My grandmother (the same one I wrote about) had an apartment on the lower level of our house and was the built-in babysitter. Many times on a late Saturday afternoon it would be she and I that were home. Grandma stayed in her apartment to watch TV and all she knew was that I was up in my room reading or coloring. What grandma did not know, and neither did anyone else, was that when I had that private time I would go and get some magazines from my father’s closet (always hoping for new ones), lock my bedroom door, sit on the floor right next to the door so I could hear if anyone was approaching, and devour what was in front of me. I wanted to look like these women and I wanted to feel something wonderful. I remember an erotic story about a woman who was teased with a rabbit’s foot. Well wouldn’t you know it, I had a rabbit muff!


Remember these?

I ran to my closet and took out my muff. I imagined I was getting teased like the woman in the story. I ran the muff all over myself and then settled it between my legs, started rubbing, and had my first orgasm. I masturbated for the first time. I was even more hooked after that and spent as many waking hours as I could with my muff and porn.

My Truth ~ Part One: A Little Background Information

submission 1

I’ve shared some personal details of who I am along the way on this blog and there are others that follow my blog that I’ve gotten to know through email, text, and phone calls. However, there is so much more to my world than meets the eye. Even this 4, maybe 5 part (6 parts?), series I plan on sharing will not be enough and will only go so deep because I’m sure I will be leaving out details, but not for the reasons you may think. The truth is I can’t remember them and then all of the sudden a memory comes back. My lack of memory and recall is not from simply forgetting, it’s just that my memory loss stems from trauma due to abuse, half-hearted suicide attempts (oh those cries for help!), and drugs. I have 4 brothers and the 3 older  were drug dealers. We grew up in an educated, middle class house with both parents present, but there was a very dark side to our lives. I know how to compartmentalize and I know how to block memories.

friends 2

I have a friend from high school (we’ll call her J) that experienced this culture with me and to this day we’ll call each other up with a memory that one of us had of ourselves or the other. There are things J remembers that I did that I have absolutely no recall of and vice versa. We rely on each other to piece together a total of 5 years of teenage hell. We joke that we each hold a part of the other’s brain. We went to a lot of parties together and we took things we didn’t even know we were taking, we did things we didn’t know we were doing. We know we are walking miracles because the chances of becoming addicted or over-dosing were so great. The chance of something sinister happening was probably even greater. J is a very real and very true friend and she knows me very well. J knows when I’m venting out of frustration, when I’m being as ass, when I’m full of fear or anger and I say things I don’t mean, when I exaggerate to get attention (shut up, we all do it), when I need a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to make me laugh until I pee my pants. I know her the same way she knows me and because of that we never argue or fight because we don’t have to. We have a knowing and an understanding of each other. I’ve shared very little about her with other friends because NO ONE is allowed to say anything against her. We had our 30 year high school reunion in August and we didn’t go. We told people all kinds of reasons why we couldn’t go (money, husbands), but the truth is that J ran into some people from our past and it dredged up some memories. We both freaked a little. We talked on the phone the night of the reunion. We dealt with the bad memories and moved on. J does not know I am a submissive and my husband is my Dominant. One day I will tell her.

fear 1

Now, there are secrets that I’ve barely admitted to myself out of absolute shame and guilt. J only knows the most minutia of these secrets. The only one who knows it all is my husband, but it took me years to eek it out to him and I’ve never gone into full explicit detail, but he knows more than enough. He knows the depths of how I feel and he has always been there for me without judgement to let me cry it out until I was bone dry and then let me cry some more. I did not share these things with him for our first 6 or so years together and he never understood where my rage, depression, or despair came from. I have intentionally been selective about revealing this information with friends and recently that has come to bite me in the ass.

Over the last year, and on an almost daily basis, I was encouraged to drop my armor and just be me and that I would be loved no matter what. I shared some things, but without all the supporting details of my life, they could never fully comprehend and because of my purposeful deletions I was more than misunderstood, I was attacked for it, and not just me, but my husband as well. The big lesson I learned is that sometimes walls are a good thing because some people should just never be allowed in your life. I was on the “I’m finally being who I really am and we’re all in this together” crappola bandwagon so I thought it safe to open up and for some reason I believed any venting or fear would be apparent. I thought that, like my husband or J, they would tell me everything was going to be OK and to calm down, breathe, and think it through. Then we had a family tragedy and I was like a spewing fountain of fear and I received some of the worst advice I ever received in my life (and I’m even including advice I once received from a junkie). I am so thankful I didn’t drink the poison because it would have meant an end to my marriage, my children would have been torn apart, and my entire life as I know it would have ended. For the record, I take complete responsibility for my actions and everything that occurred because I FUCKING KNOW BETTER! I was the one who dropped my armor and who breached her own protective wall. You can be rest assured that my sword is now sharper than ever, the walls to my city have been fortified, and now I even have a beautiful shiny new moat because ignorant people are no longer allowed in.

friends 1

I have a soul-sister who I will refer to as D. Our relationship transcends friendship. She is a mentor, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a spiritual advisor, and a source of wisdom that I have never found in anyone else. She is a gift to me and it is a relationship that I treat with the finest of care because she deserves all the very best I have to give. No, she is not an angel or a prophet (although I argue that with her), she is just a human with flaws and all. I have been there for her and I know she will always be there for me. We have an agreed arrangement that we NEVER badmouth our husbands to each other, not even a little, not even in jest. If there is a genuine problem we don’t dog the men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come to her with a problem not even saying anything bad, but her words to me are emphatically, “Don’t tell me anything you can’t say to him. Your job is to go to him first before you ever come to me.” Wise woman. Our other agreed arrangement is that we do not go into any details about our sex lives. The main reason is that her husband used to be a Pastor at a church we all used to attend. In all the years I’ve known her the one thing I didn’t know was that she and her husband had, for many years, a D/s marriage. According to her it was mainly in the bedroom. There is an age difference between them with her being 58 and him being 72. He has had some health problems the last few years so they don’t do a lot of what they used to. It has always been obvious that her husband is the head of their household. They did it their way, but that’s what we should all be doing. It’s less than a year ago that I revealed what my husband and I had started and she just smiled and then told me a little about her life. We bonded on a new level, but she took things slowly, as is her way, and never tried to unload all kinds of ideas and opinions on me and how to have a D/s marriage. She uses wisdom when dealing with people and is a listener. Her advice is very “Kung Fu” (we both used to love that show) because she says that many times we already have the answer to the question or problem so allowing someone to just talk it out will reveal the answer and the truth. It was recently that I asked her to mentor me in submission and this is the one of the reasons I am writing this today.

This is a catharsis for me. D encouraged me to put as much down as I can so I can move past the areas that are done, heal the areas I need to heal, and get help in the areas that need work. My husband has given his blessing and with that, I will start tomorrow with My Sexual Awakening in Part 2 of My Truth. Read if you like or delete if you’re so inclined because this I must do for me.


Where is their prey? Anyone that dares to stay. They will use their cracking whips making you dance with gimmicks and tricks.

What of this way? You ask in earnest, a life anew desiring to be burnished.

They don’t know though they feign knowledge and enlightenment, but all you gain is confinement.

It’s a bondage of a new sort though you cannot see it, however much you feel it, you just need to flee from it.

Follow me and my special ways, this path and not that. Eat this apple, taste the rot. I have, you have not.

Fairy tales all come to an end and that’s when you begin again. Cards will fall. Threats of disembodied heads to roll.

Give yourself only to the one who truly has your best interest, not the queens, the seducers, or the switches.