My Truth ~ Part Two: My Sexual Awakening

Part One

I grew up in an Italian Catholic middle class house in the greater NYC area. My family was different than a lot of other Italian households, or so it seemed to me at the time. My father was the spitting image of the actor, Victor Mature, except dad was taller and broader and in the summer much darker. My mother, in her youth, looked very similar to Grace Kelly. My mother had done some runway modeling in NYC and my father had spent years playing minor league baseball, only to suffer a career-ending injury to his pitching arm during spring training after he had just been called up to the majors. I will always be a Yankee fan!

My father was somewhat of a hero to all who knew him. Aside from being tall, dark, and handsome, he was extremely talented. He was athletic and excelled at any sport he played, but baseball was obviously his passion. He could also sing opera and even performed while in college. He was extremely intelligent and was a product of a prestigious New York private school from Kindergarten through high school. He was funny and witty and made everyone around him laugh. He was well-mannered, gracious, and always a gentleman. He was larger than life. I could write volumes about my father and maybe one day I’ll write a book, but I’m here to write about my sexual awakening.

My father was what they used to refer to as a “ladies man.” Women really did throw themselves at him and I even witnessed it growing up. I have no idea if my father ever cheated on my mother. She adamantly denies that he ever faltered, but I have my suspicions. My mom seemed to go crazy right about when I was 10 or 11 and to my knowledge no cause was ever seriously given. At one point it was thrown around that she was hypoglycemic and that explained why she used to throw herself down the stairs in front of us young children and then supposedly pass out. It was during those episodes that my mother mysteriously spent two weeks in the hospital without visitors being allowed. Hypoglycemia my ass! My mother needed some psychiatric care. My father fell over backwards for my mother during that time. As an adult I recognize the actions of my father as someone filled with guilt and shame. Still, it’s just a theory. Some of the rumors about my dad before he was married to my mom were that he had an affair with the famous burlesque star, Blaze Starr, and that he even tried to pick up Jake LaMotta’s wife, Vikki, at a club. I know for a fact that my grandmother was arranging a marriage between my dad and the heiress to a well-known vineyard. It was right about that time my father met my mother. My mother tells me that my grandmother tried to buy her off so she wouldn’t marry my dad. Nice, grandma!

My great uncle owned a “candy store” just outside the Bronx. He sold candy, magazines, newspapers, and tobacco products. A lot of suspicious activity went on in that store (can you say running numbers or Italian lottery?), but one thing that came from that store directly into my house was a voluminous amount of porn magazines. I can’t tell you specifically which ones because the banners were always torn off. Nonetheless, there were stacks of them in the back of my father’s walk-in closet. I’m sure my brothers all found their way to those stacks, but I did as well. Later on we all generously helped ourselves to the cases of liquor my dad received as Christmas presents from law firms, but that was during the drug and alcohol years. I was a curious 8 year old who had recently heard as a 7 year old everything about reproductive systems and sex in front of many listening ears at the beach that summer from my overly zealous nurse mother. Nice, mom!

At 7/8 years old I could read and comprehend as well as an 8th grader so not only did I look at all the dirty pictures, but I read the stories as well and filled my head with all kinds of imagery. Emotionally I was, of course, a 7/8 year old so the motivations behind those stories in those magazines were confusing. However, I was fascinated and couldn’t get enough. I became addicted to porn at 8 years old. Nice, Elle!

I had my first orgasm at about the age of 9 and I wanted to try to have one for close to a year. I had a routine late Saturday afternoons if there wasn’t a game to go to or a project or chore that needed to be taken care of. My grandmother (the same one I wrote about) had an apartment on the lower level of our house and was the built-in babysitter. Many times on a late Saturday afternoon it would be she and I that were home. Grandma stayed in her apartment to watch TV and all she knew was that I was up in my room reading or coloring. What grandma did not know, and neither did anyone else, was that when I had that private time I would go and get some magazines from my father’s closet (always hoping for new ones), lock my bedroom door, sit on the floor right next to the door so I could hear if anyone was approaching, and devour what was in front of me. I wanted to look like these women and I wanted to feel something wonderful. I remember an erotic story about a woman who was teased with a rabbit’s foot. Well wouldn’t you know it, I had a rabbit muff!


Remember these?

I ran to my closet and took out my muff. I imagined I was getting teased like the woman in the story. I ran the muff all over myself and then settled it between my legs, started rubbing, and had my first orgasm. I masturbated for the first time. I was even more hooked after that and spent as many waking hours as I could with my muff and porn.

49 thoughts on “My Truth ~ Part Two: My Sexual Awakening

  1. Wow. I was such a late bloomer, I can’t even imagine having an orgasm at the age of 9
    Kinda digging the rabbit muff 🙂 lol


  2. That was quite an awakening.
    My first girly magazine was when I was in the first grade.
    Some boys were huddle in a circle and me and my little girls friends wanted to see what they were doing. Of course they ran and me and one other friend chased them and we got the magazine from them.
    We took it back and sat down and began to see it. It was torn and had many missing pages but it did something to me…

    Next memory of people actually having sex in a magazine was when I went to my Aunt and Uncles house. I went into their room and a saw several magazines.
    I was mesmerized. I think I was about 10.
    I liked looking at them but never played with myself until I was in jr. High/High school. 🙂

    Thanks for this and bringing me down to my own memory lane.


    • So I’m not the only one who saw things at an early age. I can just see all you little girls giggling in your huddle. Children are curious. Their bodies feel things. They may touch themselves while taking a bath and realize it feels good. We discover things far earlier than most would like to admit.


      • Nope you weren’t and thankfully I wasn’t feeling ashamed. Maybe because there were several of us vs. me being alone *shrugs* I am not sure.
        And you are right we do discover things early on I just think most make an effort to forget because they think is not normal…
        I am glad you posted this girl.


  3. I remember being about 9 and discovering masturbation. I didn’t know what it was called but I liked it a whole lot!! I used to sneak off by myself as often as possible.

    I find it fascinating to hear other women’s stories of how their family, religion and experiences shaped their sexuality. So many parents think their 13 yr old has zero sexual thoughts… Sigh.

    When will we realize that very small children are forming the base of their adult sexual experiences and then be conscious of creating a positive space for them to develop.


    • Hi Elle! Another young-ager I see. My mother used Catholicism as a weapon to scare the living shit out of me. I’ll expound on that later. By 12 life had gotten very complicated. We keep our home a safe environment for our kids. Things are locked up and password protected. We talk to our kids and don’t put the burden of shame upon them. I was a very confused 7,8,9,10,11,12,13, etc year old. It could have and should have been different.


      • I don’t think I was particularly young. It’s very normal for babies and preschoolers to touch and explore their genitals and to realize that touching feels good. But adults slap hands and shame normal exploration in the hopes of stopping “sex”.

        8-10 is a normal age to begin the process of masturbation although an actual orgasm might come later on and even the knowledge that their activity is related to adult sex.

        As women, we should be the first people to explore our own bodies and we should know what gentle, kind, sensual touch is like from our own hands first… And without shame. It’s the basis for healthy adult body image and sexual communication.


        • That was so well said. Thank you, Elle. I think the natural exploration of young children needs to be treated tenderly and I hope we’ve done will with our children. I think looking at adult pornography at such a young age did not help at all. Some of my father’s magazines were pretty hard-core. My healthy body image and sexual communication came much later in life. So unnecessary.


          • Pornography is never real and is so damaging for kids who are developing their sexual norms and cannot distinguish between real life and fantasy.

            In general, pornography is an exaggerated male fantasy. (There is female generated porn but it’s such a minority. ) It can be okay when it’s treated as such and kept with adults.

            Too many kids use pornography as sex education and the images as their standards of ideal. Too many adults confuse porn with reality too…

            Liked by 1 person

      • Yes..that is very young. My early exposure though can be blamed on the on the public school system. I was excused from sex ed class at ten…because my parents didnt approve. However that didnt stop the class mates from telling me everything they learned. Which again….I say is too young.
        Soft fur….sounds ticklish?!? Hmm..may have to see if my Sir wants to explore some more softer sensation play toys!


        • I think it’s not bad to have your kids in sex ed, that way you can monitor what is said to them. If you don’t you just get what the other kid’s say and it’s all lost in translation. Our sex ed was clinical. They never went into relationships or birth control and they told us to ask our parents on many things. For us girls it was everything you wanted to know about getting your period with a lot of emphasis on pads and tampons.. I thought it was a good experience, but sex ed wasn’t until 7th grade.


          • Ours was in 3rd grade! No way in hell are children that age ready for that info.
            I think sex ed is good….for kids whose parents cant or won’t be responsible and talk to them about everything. But today…its warped…its all about societal agendas. (In my opinion anyway.) I dont look forward to it…but I believe as a parent its my responsibility to give them the correct information based on our belief system and faith. Then we can dicuss world views and compare it to our Biblical world view. Then as adults they can make their own choices and decide whats right on their own..equipped with all the info we can provide them.
            Ok…soapbox rant over now! lol!


            • I agree with you. It’s changed so much today. I know I was fortunate at the time. My daughter will not have sex ed until 7th grade. They tried to change it to 5th, but us parents rallied and kept it 7th. We are allowed to have the curriculum before tjey take the class so we can review it and voice any concerns. From what I hear it is more clinical…kind of like what I had at that age so I’m pretty satisfied with that. We teach our children our views on everything and why we believe what we believe. It’s a hard balance, but worth it. I want my kids to have some wisdom in all this.


              • Thats great that your kids school listened! Im certainly ok with clinical…but I’ve seen some disturbing topics as of late floating around the school system here. And like you I want them to have wisdom before facing the world!
                Its such a hard balance!


  4. You are not alone with how young you were in the discovery of porn or even your body. My earliest memory of sex was around 5 or 6. A neighborhood girl and I had got a hold of a magazine and we decided to emulate what we saw them doing.

    So we humped each other. I don’t remember having an orgasm from it. That came much later, around 10 (lol) and from humping with another girl.

    I honestly don’t remember this being a big deal either as it was something my friends and I would talk about. Once we had sex ed class and learned that what we were feeling going on with our bodies was normal. There was a realization of, Oh, okay! I don’t need to be ashamed of this or hide it.

    About the fur, hmmmm – I have a fur shawl that I never wear, it may just have to be re-purposed. 😉


      • Yeah, shame wasn’t introduced until a bit later when my dad discovered religion and the hippy dippy, free loving experiences he and my mom shared and lived were now morally wrong.

        So while I didn’t have it initially it came into play in later years. But I’m glad it was that way, because by then I was old enough to figure out the mind games being played.


  5. Okay I’ll take the award for the latest bloomer around here… *whisper voice* I was 33! I blame societal norms that makes a person believe it is wrong to masturbate. Once I just thought screw it and let my fingers wander a bit, I discovered I was actually capable of orgasming, I was convinced there was something medically wrong with me until that point. Turns out I am fully functional and now we have to make up for a lot of lost ‘O’s! My 2013 had so many sexual firsts!

    Very interesting family history Elle!


    • You have nothing to be ashamed of. So many of us have many of these societal restrictions that cause us to become confused. I’m curious though, what was the motivation that made you decide to explore? Don’t mean to put you on the spot so if you don’t want to share it’s not a problem. My motivation, I’m convinced, is that I inherited my father’s libido.

      I’m so happy that 2013 was your year! I bet 2014 will be even better 😉

      There’s so much more to my family history. I really should write that book.


      • Short answer.. I started reading erotica. I was permanently turned on. I started initiating sex a LOT. Still I couldn’t get release… it was a mental block though… I was so convinced that I was ‘broken’ that that was the only thing consuming my thoughts. Once I started to explore on my own, I could show my husband exactly how much of what I needed. It helped a bit, but our real breakthrough came when we started experimenting with bondage. When I was bound and blind folded and gave up all control, my mind was quiet and something magical happened… he could make me orgasm.

        Parli Italiano?


        • I totally understand! Believe it or not, we’re not very different. Although I may have had many orgasms at a young age through masturbation, I did not have an orgasm with any boyfriend until…ehem…I dominated one! Chew on that for a bit…heh heh heh. I will be sharing that choice morsel in a few days. Even then, it took FOREVER to orgasm. Now there were times all through the years when I could orgasm quickly, but everything had to be right. I was so much in my head. My husband is a very patient man and did everything he could. He never left me hanging and I wasn’t allowed to fake it. But I can tell you that at times, sex became a chore. It took a long time. Then, after years of withdrawal (I’ve written about all of this under Drastic Times Call for Dominating Measures) I started reading erotica and it was like something clicked. My body seemed to wake up. And yes, bondage was an amazing thing for me too! I need to be led and controlled otherwise my head goes crazy places. Three years of practice and now I don’t have any problems having an orgasm. I’ve gotten quite capable in the multiple department. I feel like I should get some kind of medal for it. It’s fabulous accomplishment!

          Liked by 1 person

          • I totally get that Elle and like I’ve said before… I can relate (well not the orgasm & porn at 8 though 🙂 and that’s why I love reading your posts.

            You do deserve a medal.. sometimes I feel like I need one too! If the magicwand is involved, multiples is a given. Squirting.. yup ticked that one. I’m working towards that full body orgasm you described in one of your posts last year! Although I still require a lot of stimulation, it has become easier and easier to orgasm.


        • Non parlo italiano…to my dismay. Si fa? (is that right?). Once we moved away from all the relatives the language in the house dropped, even though both my parents and my grandmother were fluent. Such a shame that they didn’t just speak Italian at home. A lot of Italians back then just wanted to be American. There was a real threat of internment camps for Italians like the Japanese so many Italians went blonde, changed their names, and dropped the language. I took 3 years of Italian in high school so I can write a little and I can understand somewhat when people speak S.L.O.W.L.Y. I have been saying for years that I need to learn. I know a lot of curse words 😉


  6. For as far back as I can remember (3ish), I’ve played with myself to help fall asleep. Of course, I wouldn’t orgasm so young, but it felt good and relaxed me – maybe a minute of rubbing/wiggling. I was in 3rd or 4th grade when I understood orgasm. A friend sat on a monkey bar, said it felt like a penis (!), so I tried it out briefly. Lucky me, I had a swing set in my backyard and tried it out repeatedly after that! I was hooked… 😉 Thanks to all my practice, I can get off very quickly, and multiple times quickly. Haven’t thought about this year’s and never told anyone! Enjoyed reading your post!!


      • Oh stop! You did not hijack. I need to hear these stories. For so many years I thought I was the only one. I knew better as an adult, yet somehow I felt ashamed of myself for being that young. Hearing the stories is actually very healing. I think all my guilt and shame really hurt me through the years because I believe it’s what kept me from just enjoying myself while having sex. The last two and a half years have been some of the best of my life.


  7. Oh I remember those rabbit’s feet and fur muffs. Hahaha…new way to think of them! What an awakening. I read porn… a little, saw a lot in the summertime as a kid…but – unlike you, didn’t have my first orgasm until college. YIKES. What a difference.

    Love the background. Thank you so much for sharing.



    • Hi Fiona. Yes, it was quite an awakening and I think sharing it has helped tremendously. Everyone’s awakening is so unique and I think there’s a lot of value to writing it out and examining it. Glad you could stop by xo


  8. Latent memories of pleasurable feelings as a young kid when I squeezed my butt cheeks together in bed… then foggy memories of being treated for either a yeast infection or UTI at a very young age where mom put ointment on my “privates” which burned (I had been diagnosed with Rheumatic fever, given tons of antibiotics, so I’m guessing I might have gotten a yeast infection?). Looking into a mirror at 8-9 with my legs spread to check it all out “down there.” Playing a game with a friend at 8-10 where we got naked but nothing more (still don’t know how we got away with that, we pretended it was dress-up but it was dress-down). I also grew up in a supposedly strict Catholic household, and dad definitely cheated. Sex was NEVER mentioned, only that “good girls didn’t…” Then at around 10-11 an older neighbor boy feeling me up on a regular basis and me allowing it, having no idea why it felt good but definitely guilty. I marvel at how “sexualized” I was at an early age given the lack of information. I was such a late bloomer, didn’t start my period til 16, barely any boobs. Then (as mentioned in my recent post on orgasms) masturbating to my first one at 16. I thought I’d broken something! Guilt, guilt and more guilt… but oh my, I was hooked to that pleasure. Which is why it’s been all the more devastating to me to be having problems now with that. It’s hard to hear how others have found their “multiples” easy Os, and squirts, when mine have gone missing. Praying they’ll be returning. Thanks for sharing and evoking memories! I imagine this will feel very cathartic, and it will be fascinating to hear your story!


    • Honestly, we are born to have sex and early exloration, I obviously see, and is completely natural. I bet you if we had men sharing here they would have similar stories. How we deal with it with our children is not easy. When our son was 3 he came into the kitchen one morning, pulled down his pj bottoms in front of us and said, “Why is my penis hard? It feels weird and good.” I was so freaking happy my husband was right there and even happier that our son would even talk to us about it. Our daughter was there and was 7 at the time so I spoke to her about it and my husband had a good talk with our son. Talk about a teachable moment! My next part will be difficult to write and I probably won’t have it done for a few days. Thanks for sharing.


  9. Pingback: My Truth ~ Part Three: The Woods | The Submission of Elle

  10. My sexual awakening is different, probably happened later than yours. But not certain aspects of it. It would be too long to write about it here, so I’ll leave it for another day, probably a post of mine. But I can say without a doubt that my real sexual awakening is the one I’ve been experiencing for the past 8 months. And you already know all about that one 😉
    Thank you for writing this post though, it makes me want to write about it too.


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