How to be a Submissive Wife

submissive-wife

Across the internet you will find such a variety of information on this topic that your head may just pop off from all the confusion. If you’re married and you and your spouse actively engage in a D/s dynamic I would bet my right arm you did not start out that way. This is something you came across from reading or a having a random conversation with a friend and it spoke to you on a profound level. Here’s the thing, most websites out there don’t understand the unique challenges married women like us face. Roles may have been deeply established for over 20 years and making a transition and releasing your control and having your husband establish firm leadership and control may take some time. You have to break old habit patterns or else you’ll be like the Titanic with its puny rudder trying to make that turn to avoid the iceberg. You must navigate these waters with a keen eye and you must view him and your roles in the relationship differently.

For anyone who’s curious about this lifestyle I would say you must begin releasing that control before you ever have a conversation with him and ask him to be your Dominant. That conversation will be so much easier if he’s already started seeing changes. You must use wisdom here because a major lifestyle change does not happen overnight and there is no one formula that will magically transport you both into your new D/s roles.

I have spent a couple of years reading and reading and when I find something good, I like to pass it on. I hope you enjoy what I found. It comes from The Thinking Housewife and it’s an answer to a reader’s question.

Enjoy! ~Elle

http://www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2010/04/how-to-be-a-submissive-wife/

How to be a Submissive Wife

A READER WRITES:

I’ve been going through much thinking about myself and my role in my marriage. I truly believe that I am meant to be the best housewife and homemaker for my family through being submissive, as it describes in the Bible. I already consider myself a bit controlling (not mean though), but unmasking my ultra-feminine self and doing everything to make my husband and home happy and memorable is what I feel is my life’s purpose.

Problem? I’m married to what I consider a “beta male.” He financially provides for my family very well, but when it comes to everything else, I’m the one in charge. I plan everything from our meals, outings, children’s schooling and academics, even the home we live in and the vehicles we drive (although his own car was completely his choice). This is a controlling female’s dream I guess, but I just am confounded at my role as a “submissive wife” to a man that’s is 100 percent comfortable with me making all the decisions. I’m not uncomfortable being the “sole spender” and am happy to buy whatever I please without him jumping down my throat about it….I’m very grateful he isn’t controlling or a jerk, but I just am curious if you can tell me what your idea of being a submissive wife is, and how I could possibly be one with my beta husband?

I just want to unleash the ultra-feminine core of myself…and be great doing it.

Laura writes

I admire your desire to do the best for your marriage and your awareness of the danger in always taking charge.

If your husband is supporting you and your children on his own, he is not a “beta” male, no matter how much in manner or domestic decision-making you may feel he resembles one. When you are in the process of making a decision, do you ask for his help? If so, does he decline to help? He may actually be leaving these things up to you out of deference, a desire not to tread on your turf, and he may not sense that you want help. I wouldn’t ask him to be generally more involved in decisions, but take each one as it happens and request his input. We all would like our spouses to intuitively grasp what we want, but that often doesn’t happen. If he is leaving discipline of your children entirely up to you, I would suggest the same thing. Let him know you are struggling or overwhelmed in the face of some problem. A wife generally knows what children need better than a working husband. You may have to let him know more than once, especially if he is busy. Be patient with this and be confident that he will eventually help. The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed.

Many women make the important decisions about home and children. Think of the husband as delegating this reponsibility to the wife. A submissive role does not mean a woman has no authority of her own. In all probability, your husband is too busy to think of these things and trusts your judgment. So you are being submissive to him in taking on these responsibilities. I realize all these decisions can be burdensome. If you are tired of always being in charge, you might say to your husband, in a moment when he himself is not preoccupied and burdened, that you often question your own decisions and feel the stress of keeping things in order.  Try not to second-guess yourself. You are not perfect and are going to make some wrong choices. Don’t judge yourself harshly if you make a bad decision. You are trying and that is what matters.

Try to resist at all costs adding up what you are doing against what he is doing. Don’t keep a balance sheet. Whenever you feel this inclination coming on, fight it. A marriage counselor I once met at a social gathering told me that there are three phases to every marriage: 1) Infatuation 2) Power struggle 3) Mature love. Here we see what’s wrong with marriage therapy. At no point should a marriage be a power struggle. To view it that way is to pervert it. She seemed to be saying this was a perfectly normal and inevitable part of marriage.

A submissive wife is someone who does not rule a husband with her moods and emotions and who devotes herself to making a man’s life better. Male authority is loving oversight and resolve, a form of detachment from the hothouse of conflict that family life often resembles. When we talk about submission and authority in marriage, we are referring to something entirely different from roles in other spheres of life. It’s not the same thing as an employer/employee relationship. It always occurs in the context of love.

In general, a woman who wants a man to be more masculine must let him see her vulnerability and weakness. If she appears always in charge and in no need of his competence, he may withdraw from the field of action. I’m not suggesting a woman feign helplessness, but that she should let him see and help him understand her inadequacies. Most men want to protect the people they love. Typically, a man will respond to a plea for help out of this natural instinct provided that the plea is not part of an attack on his character or on his past actions. A submissive wife who demands a man be in control or who criticizes him for not being in control is not a submissive wife at all.

19 thoughts on “How to be a Submissive Wife

    • To glad you enjoyed it Blade. For many women that are married there’s a bid difference between rinquishing control and having him take control. Many times women want their husband to come in with guns-a-blazing, take control of everything, and leave no prisoners. It doesn’t work like that.

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      • I completely agree. While my submissive and I are not a married couple, we have discussed our previous marriages somewhat, particularly where her previous marriage “left her wanting”. This communication between us has helped me greatly in understanding what she wants and expects as well as talks around what I can / will provide. It all boils down to communication in the end, I believe. With communication and understanding of each other, the possibilities are amazing. We are all individuals, be it a relationship or a marriage. It’s merely the dynamics of this individuality that shift with the introduction of D/s into the relationship. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told my beloved that I can’t possibly know everything the wants, feels, or expects unless we talk about it, lol. The same applies to me discussing myself with her off course! 🙂

        – Blade

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    • That was exactly my thought. Everyone wants “the fantasy” out of the gate, but real life doesn’t work like that. We all have ingrained habits and patterns that need to be redirected so that a D/s dynamic is given the room to grow and thrive.

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  1. What a great post! So important to (continually) reinforce the foundation before adding on.
    Letting them see that vulnerability can be tough, but once you let go, they feel so strong and needed and in control….its like you both grow wings to fly!
    Beautifully writen!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Many married with kids’ women are very used to juggling almost all of the domestic responsibility. My husband and I are in that place. He works very long hours and can’t make personal phone calls and do personal work throughout the day. I have extensive managerial and administrative experience. I love how she said that his delegating that responsibilities to me and my doing them is submission! Light bulb moment!

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      • So many light bulb moments! Thanks so much for sharing. I’ve been struggling with my submission lately. Like am I submissive or am I a submissive? Are we really D/s-M or vanilla with a twist and a side of D/s-M? Gosh I hate labels and boxes. TTWD seems to fit best since we are still feeling our way. Good to know that taking care of the family finances because my husband trusts me as the best person to do them is still a sign of submission.

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        • All those labels are just too confusing because behind them are other people’s ideas of how you should have your dynamic. TTWD is good because it leaves room for your individuality, creativity, and your own unique perspective. I bet there are so many other things you do on a daily basis that are submissive and you don’t realize it. Thanks so much for commenting. Stop by anytime.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. Sage advice for sure, especially to someone like myself who has been married for the 20+ years and is in the process of becoming a submissive wife.
    xoxo

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    • You’re very welcome ‘Tis. We’ll be celebrating 25 years next week. This helped me see how submissive I already was. He has given me certain responsibilities because he trusts me and I do a good job. We do what works for us.

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      • We are still in the process of figuring out how to apply the changes we want to our everyday life. One of the things I’ve struggled with is my need for independence as well as not losing who I am as a successful and strong woman. After reading this, it made me realize I don’t have to give those things up in order to please my husband, he’s never asked me too and he wouldn’t want me to change that part of me. This was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me, because in my mind I’d assumed I needed to give those parts of me up to be submissive to him. Not the case at all obviously, we just have to continue finding what works for us and in what ways I can give to him without losing myself. Again, thank you!
        xoxo

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        • I’m so glad this helped you. What you do everyday is valuable to your Sir and your family. That service is indeed submission! You’re intelligent and capable and that’s one of the many reasons, I’m sure, your husband loves you. We don’t have to give up anything that makes the relationship better. My husband and I talked, and from this new perspective we will be going over each other’s responsibilities to make sure we’re each doing what works best for us!

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  3. LOL, maybe you need to hotlink me for the “a major lifestyle change does not happen overnight” reference. I am definitely the poster-wife for that! We are almost 2 years “in the making” but have come such a long way! I wrote a little bit about this last June when DH asked me to listen to a broadcast on the topic of Strong-willed women (http://desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/wifely-submission-for-the-strong-willed-woman). It really helped change my thinking so much, to understand how DH delegates to me and values my gifts and talents, and how I use those to support him. Your author mentions: “The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed.” Oh, so true. Since I’ve come to admit, recognize and accept my imperfections, weaknesses, and shortcomings; admit I’m not “perfect” and reached out to my DH for his help, trust him, value his help, submit to his suggestions, thank him for his leadership– I have a “new” husband (or rather the leader husband/HOH was able to show his face!). I’m also rereading “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace–almost 15 years after I first read it and could not get my head around it! New eyes now.

    Keep writing Elle! Great stuff!

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    • Remember that on Enjoli commercial from 1980? “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man. Cuz I’m a woman…Enjoli.”

      Never discount the many submissive things you already do. By the sounds of it, many of us have been thinking we haven’t been doing it right or that our Doms haven’t taken enough control, when in fact they’ve already delegated responsibilities. Balance…it’s all about balance!

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