Coming Out of The Dark

Names and and faces have come through my life.
Many have heard my heart, wiped my tears, laughed along, spent some time, and then they were gone.
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Some people will say they want unadulterated honesty. You’ll hear them say, “Just be you. Be real. You can trust me with your heart,” but they really can’t handle what and who you are because they only want to hear the good and not the bad. If something goes wrong it becomes your fault, but it’s not your fault because allowing yourself to be vulnerable will open you up to a myriad of thoughts, ideas, and emotions you didn’t even know you had.

If you dare ask to see the real person you better be ready to take what comes when the mask and armor are removed… They may say and do things you don’t understand.
They may not make sense.
They may contradict themselves.
They may seem irrational at times.
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A turning point occurred in my life two years ago. I opened my heart like never before and the love of my life received it. Since that day I keep opening…he keeps opening…and we keep receiving each other. Tragedy happened last year and we learned even more, gave even more, received even more. We saw each other’s hearts and souls and a new trust and resolve emerged, but we still wore the mask and armor in front of the world. Then some asked to see what lay beneath, and longing to be truly understood, I bared my soul. I should have walked in wisdom. I should have seen the agenda. I know better.
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Our masks and armor are charming and funny, light and easy, with barely a care in the world. If you asked to see the real, got a glimpse of what lived underneath, and then demanded the masks be put back on, you didn’t deserve to have that little peak of real. There were those who only wanted the pretty…
They really enjoyed the good.
They barely tolerated the bad.
They ran like hell from the ugly.

Here’s a secret…hiding within the ugly is true beauty, like a seed in the soil. Those who have the patience to water and weed, give warmth and light, protect from the elements are those who get the privilege of reaping the reward of the fruit that is destined to emerge. Those who ran away will never know because of selfishness. So ignorant were they that they mistook the mask and armor for the fruit.

Our fruit is reserved for just a select few to enjoy. If someone chooses to give you their hard-earned fruit accept as if you just received the grandest prize. You may only be given one opportunity to prove you are worthy to receive it.
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There are some who will get in the darkness with you and encourage you to explore it…
They will hold your hand and even lead you through.
They have no fear of your darkness because they have already explored their own.
They know your darkness is the place of your most hidden desires.
They know it’s your secret place where your true self resides. They know how to coax it out so it can live and grow in the light.
They know shame can transform into boldness.
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I lived in shame for too long. That shame created guilt, which created fear, which created anger, which created depression. It was never the bad that happened to me, but it was instead the suppression of my true self. I’ve shed my shame and I don’t feel guilty over what I’ve opened up. There is no more fear, there is no more anger, and now that sadness is melting away. I’ve come out of the darkness and into the light.

16 thoughts on “Coming Out of The Dark

  1. That is one powerful story Elle, So glad you are out and living your life the way you have a right to. We should never be ashamed of who we are. And yes there are people out there that will enjoy your sorrow. They don’t want you to be happy. I say screw em. Let them live one day in your shoes and see how far they make it. You keep your life moving in the right direction. Keep your chin held high, you are wonderful. And know that you are not alone. Thanks for sharing. Hugs..

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    • So funny you say keep you chin held high. When I’m sad I hang my head and Coach will call out, “Chin up, shoulders back” or he’ll lift my chin with his finger. No more shame! Hugs back .

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  2. I am so proud of you. You are everything to me and you have nothing to fear. We’re in this together and there’s no shame.

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  3. That Coco Chanel quote is one of my favs. All sorts of people will come and go throughout our lives….some good, some not so good. If we just apply that quote to the not so good….you win. Last week I wrote about bullies from my past. I hadn’t thought of them in years…and only did to work through something. They were quickly discarded back to the trash pile where they belong. They have no power here. Stay in the light girl!!!

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    • Exactly! Sometimes you just have to work through it. Nothing wrong with looking back and then throwing them right back into the trash. You learn, you grow, you move on. Yes, always staying in the light.

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  4. Welcome home Elle. So sorry this happened to you, but bask in the light of truth and honesty and ignore those whose only interest is for themselves. 🙂

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    • Funny you should say welcome home, Peep. I came back to my true self after losing her before I ever really got to know her. She now has her voice! Don’t be sorry that this happened to me because I’m not. I learned and grew from my mistakes. I let down my guard and I shouldn’t have. That was my fault.

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  5. What an absolutely magnificent feeling Elle. To find your way through the myriad of life’s roadblocks. You said something that really stuck, “It was never the bad that happened to me, but it was instead the suppression of my true self.” I understand this very well and it is a reason I held back for so long in sharing who I was as well. Being a person who naturally wants to please and accommodate and never be a burden. I was more hesitant of letting people in because I didn’t want them to think they had to try and fix me. I didn’t want that kind of emotional energy being spent on me. I didn’t need fixing, but when they’d want a better understanding of where I was coming from and I’d give them glimpses into the past or the darker parts of me the dynamic would inevitably change and it would cause them to want to save me. You can’t save someone from the past and even if it could be done, why would anybody want too? How else do we all learn and grow. It’s unfortunate when we take chances on others and it doesn’t work out, but I’ve also learned I’d rather have the heartache of knowing the truth than wondering what if. Live and learn.

    xoxo

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    • I know you understand, I really do. Yes, my past it over, even my recent past. It is what it is and I’ve learned, mostly I learned about myself and that’s a good thing. I spent a lot of years thinking my past held me back and honestly there was a lot of pain I never dealt with. 2014 has been my best year ever because I’m FINALLY just being me. My past has taught me I’m a survivor and I know how to persevere and get things done. (((Hugs)))

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