I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind and the need to write it down. Will you indulge me if I say it all here? I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I know I promised that I would post the conclusion to Over The Edge, and I will later today, but last night my eyes got heavy and bed was calling.
Did you ever feel like it was the calm before the storm? In my case, this is a good storm. I’ve learned to recognize a storm when it’s brewing. In my younger years it seemed as if I was always blindsided, but today I’m much more perceptive. I’ve had more than enough of the bad storms in my life, as I’m sure most of us have, but this is the kind of storm that you know is coming because you feel it in the air. It reminds me of the Phil Collins song, In The Air Tonight:
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord
I’ve been chewing on Coach’s words from his post the other day about starting the “explosive power training phase” and what that means. I keep wondering if I’m really ready. Coach says I am and I will walk out on his faith in me, proud and bold, but I felt like I almost sabotaged it all the other day because I had a knee-jerk reaction. I won’t go into that here, but he had one too and we had to work through it. When something like this happens it doesn’t last long so nothing was harbored. We deal with it and move on, but it actually brought some clarity. It was like the thunder and lightning that comes out of a clear blue sky that makes you jump to attention. Our reactions were because we both know we’re about to change our lives forever so naturally we feel a sense of trepidation. Will it be right? Will it be wrong? That’s the beauty of taking a chance, you don’t know for certain until you do. You just make the best decision you can with all the available information you have and then go for it.
We don’t view life as a road pointing toward a destination that you have to race down in order to cross an invisible finish line. We see life as an unfolding of understanding and the unveiling of our true inner-selves. Stay with me here. For us, we’ve always known that once we allowed that inner-self to have its unveiling everything else would come into focus and we could achieve anything. I look back and think, “Damn, we’re late bloomers.” Many, many life events got in the way that sidetracked us, but we persevered and the reward, I know, will be sweet.
I find myself now taking off the veil, breaking out of the chrysalis, bearing my soul. I have a new sense of freedom and it absolutely frightens me on so many levels. Am I really ready for who I truly am? I’m not just talking about being a submissive. I have explored and dug into my submissive self for a good three years now. I chewed on it for about a year before ever going to Coach, then we spent 6 months with just me being submissive and now we’ve been Dom and sub for about a year and a half. This is far from an overnight process, but that’s the glory of it.
I have fought my sexual yearnings, leanings, and desires my entire life. To not be seen as “good” was devastating to me. I have come to realize that the definition of “good” I was using is invalid and that is why I was suffocating all of my adult life. I will not share our beliefs here because I know what we believe can cause great judgement. Judge not lest ye be judged. I will leave all judgement up to God.
All I will say is that Coach and I have great plans and I have butterflies over how these plans will come together. I find myself more peaceful and joyful than I’ve ever been. I feel a contentment, even in the midst of such great mystery. For the record, everything is up to Coach about what we do. He makes the decisions for everything and everyone. I know he has my best interest. I know he will take everything I feel and want into consideration. I know he’ll make it beautiful and magical. I know he’ll give me experiences that were only part of my wildest dreams. I know he’ll guide my growth and protect me fiercely.
I really am ready. I’m ready for it all and I’m ready for Coach to put me through my paces. Mostly, I’m finally ready to embrace the woman that has emerged from her shell. Damn, she’s fucking hot!