Finally Ready

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind and the need to write it down. Will you indulge me if I say it all here? I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I know I promised that I would post the conclusion to Over The Edge, and I will later today, but last night my eyes got heavy and bed was calling.

Did you ever feel like it was the calm before the storm? In my case, this is a good storm. I’ve learned to recognize a storm when it’s brewing. In my younger years it seemed as if I was always blindsided, but today I’m much more perceptive. I’ve had more than enough of the bad storms in my life, as I’m sure most of us have, but this is the kind of storm that you know is coming because you feel it in the air. It reminds me of the Phil Collins song, In The Air Tonight:

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

I’ve been chewing on Coach’s words from his post the other day about starting the “explosive power training phase” and what that means. I keep wondering if I’m really ready. Coach says I am and I will walk out on his faith in me, proud and bold, but I felt like I almost sabotaged it all the other day because I had a knee-jerk reaction. I won’t go into that here, but he had one too and we had to work through it. When something like this happens it doesn’t last long so nothing was harbored. We deal with it and move on, but it actually brought some clarity. It was like the thunder and lightning that comes out of a clear blue sky that makes you jump to attention. Our reactions were because we both know we’re about to change our lives forever so naturally we feel a sense of trepidation. Will it be right? Will it be wrong? That’s the beauty of taking a chance, you don’t know for certain until you do. You just make the best decision you can with all the available information you have and then go for it.

We don’t view life as a road pointing toward a destination that you have to race down in order to cross an invisible finish line. We see life as an unfolding of understanding and the unveiling of our true inner-selves. Stay with me here. For us, we’ve always known that once we allowed that inner-self to have its unveiling everything else would come into focus and we could achieve anything. I look back and think, “Damn, we’re late bloomers.” Many, many life events got in the way that sidetracked us, but we persevered and the reward, I know, will be sweet.

I find myself now taking off the veil, breaking out of the chrysalis, bearing my soul. I have a new sense of freedom and it absolutely frightens me on so many levels. Am I really ready for who I truly am? I’m not just talking about being a submissive. I have explored and dug into my submissive self for a good three years now. I chewed on it for about a year before ever going to Coach, then we spent 6 months with just me being submissive and now we’ve been Dom and sub for about a year and a half. This is far from an overnight process, but that’s the glory of it.

I have fought my sexual yearnings, leanings, and desires my entire life. To not be seen as “good” was devastating to me. I have come to realize that the definition of “good” I was using is invalid and that is why I was suffocating all of my adult life. I will not share our beliefs here because I know what we believe can cause great judgement. Judge not lest ye be judged. I will leave all judgement up to God.

All I will say is that Coach and I have great plans and I have butterflies over how these plans will come together. I find myself more peaceful and joyful than I’ve ever been. I feel a contentment, even in the midst of such great mystery. For the record, everything is up to Coach about what we do. He makes the decisions for everything and everyone. I know he has my best interest. I know he will take everything I feel and want into consideration. I know he’ll make it beautiful and magical. I know he’ll give me experiences that were only part of my wildest dreams. I know he’ll guide my growth and protect me fiercely.

I really am ready. I’m ready for it all and I’m ready for Coach to put me through my paces. Mostly, I’m finally ready to embrace the woman that has emerged from her shell. Damn, she’s fucking hot!

23 thoughts on “Finally Ready

  1. The last fluttering of control dropping off of the tip of your fingers is truly freedom to become who you are at your core. It is an exciting time, at the same time it is utter peace. Do you feel like a beautiful pink rose that has finally opened to show the world who you are? I love your writing and follow your journey as a submissive with much the same journey. Thank you for writing your heart…it takes courage and faith. I celebrate your joy. And I am sure you will exceed Coach’s expectations, because that is who you are!

    renel

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    • Renel, you just said how I feel so much more eloquently then I could possibly put into words. Yes, a flower in full bloom. I really do hope to exceed his expectations. I so want to please him in every way. What I love is that he wants to please me too. Such a unique journey to be on, isn’t it? Thank you so much for following along and for your lovely compliments.

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  2. letting go of the past and all of the things we were so INCORRECTLY taught. They beat us down until we find that one person who gently makes us stop and think and feel for ourselves. Then we decide right and wrong. We find our own path to joy. Simply by being Your true self you will be all he has desired. Because he did not want to change you but help you release the woman inside who was hiding from the world. Breath deep and accept it as it comes. One day one breath one moment at a time.

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    • You nailed it! The reason I couldn’t make peace with my past was because I wasn’t true to me. Funny how discovering that closed the door to the past. And yes, he didn’t want to change me. He saw things in me that I didn’t recognize in myself. Once I knocked on the door to be let out he was right there to welcome me with open arms.

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  3. Good Luck, go forth and conquer!
    I stopped reading for am moment where you said “Damn, we’re Late Bloomers”. I disagree — you are right on time. You needed to go through the past to get to the future. You didn’t miss anything because the plateau steps have to be taken for learning and growth to occur. You are on the incline, right now, and will plateau, again. It’s a process.
    XO

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    • Thank you for pointing that out, dievca. The reason none of this happened before was because I needed to learn some lessons along the way. I can handle the incline. My legs are strong.

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  4. She is Hot!!!! 🙂

    I love this, that after so many years you’ve found yourself and your free of any restrictions or pre conceived notions you carried around. That you’ve been able to do it with Coach as your cheerleader is so incredibly heart warming. I’m looking forward to reading where your journey takes you If you decide to share it with us all. The twists and turns, peaks and valleys that you’ve already traversed have been inspiring.

    Much Love!!!

    xoxo

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    • I am feeling pretty damn hot alright. The weight of the restrictions I carried was crippling me and in turn, us. I’m happy, really and truly happy. I feel so much better about myself and every time we dig deeper I have a new realization. I can’t wait to share our adventures. I’m glad it’s been inspiring. You, darling, inspire me!

      Love right back at you! xoxo

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      • Amazing how shit like that holds one down. It obscures our view of ourself and plays at all our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and not in a good way. But once we put that part if ourselves in it’s place and rise up!!! Damn!! What an amazing feeling.

        xoxo

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  5. Jeez, here you go setting us up to wait on the edge of our seat to see what’s going to happen. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be exciting for you.

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  6. I was determined to get “me” right and I’m a work in progress. Keep working and you will be what you need to be and have what you need to have. I am certain of that, if nothing else. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if I asked Coach for all his domination initially. Who I was as a submissive had to happen first.

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  7. “Who I was as a submissive had to happen first.” Sage words. This journey is amazing, and sometimes it is totally uncharted territory, feeling blindly into the void, not sure what we will find or if we will even like it. This is why having you and other subs willing to write their feelings, emotions, questions, thoughts, and fears through the journey is so instructive. We may all have unique and different journeys, but we do share some mighty powerful mojo, the incredibly strong and ever wise heart of a sub. Look forward to hearing the rest of your story, my dear Elle!

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    • Thank you. Yes, we all have our own unique journey and you’re right, it can seem like uncharted waters. Just go in with eyes wide open and find the truth in yourself. Never be afraid of the truth. Once you see it embrace it.

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  8. Elle, It’s going to be alright, you trust Coach, And he does have your best interest at heart. I know what you mean, I so wish I would have let go years before I did.
    But we weren’t raised that way. We had to always be the good girls. Not anymore we don’t.
    You said it, he will protect you and your heart.
    Just remember who you both are and that you love each other unconditionally.
    Hold onto each other Elle, we are the lucky ones. Our men are good to us. They take care of our every need and want. He’s not going to let anything bad happen. Maybe what you feel in the air is just change. So hold on, a new phase of your lives is about to begin. And it’s going to be great!

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