The Total Package

He was a jock, the quarterback, very popular. He was tall and tan and was so very good looking. I was also a jock, but I was also an artist and performer. He wouldn’t give me the time of day.

He was a rebel, a bad boy on self-destruct. He had copper hair, a chiseled jaw, and a smile that could make you melt . He would take any dare and played a wicked game of pool. He strung me along, as bad boys do, and I finally had to walk away.

He was a blonde haired, blue eyed Swede and although he lived in the U.S. since he was in middle school, he never quite lost all of his accent. He was in college. I thought I was in love. He would sit me in his lap and brush my hair. He would pick out clothes and dress me. He always wanted to know what I was doing – the books I was reading, the music I was listening to, where I went and with whom, the clothes I wore, and what I ate. No one had ever given me that much attention. I received a letter that said, in part, “You are a waste of time and a waste of money.”

He rode a Harley. He was my protector. He was very strong. He treated me well. He was gentle. He hated the Swede. They were long time enemies. He was the rebound guy.

He was from a very wealthy family, expensive NYC prep school. Trust fund. Highly educated parents. Very important father with an equally important mother. They lived in a spectacular brownstone in an exclusive neighborhood in the city. I was a novelty, a summer fling, a fuck in the horse barn, something to pass the time, too ethnic. I was out of my league. I was too poor.

He was Portuguese with a very thick accent. I picked him out at a dance club, walked up to him, and asked him to dance. I told him to buy me a drink. Many drinks and dances later I told him to fuck me in his car. He did whatever I said whenever I said. I used him for months and dumped him. He never stood up to me. He never exerted a will of his own. I used sex as a weapon and I hated him for it.

He was born in Dublin and came here at 10. He could build anything, he loved to laugh. He was the life of the party. He had too many friends. He had a very scary dark side. I didn’t see the signs because I was embedded in grief. I needed to laugh. I craved some kind of joy. I needed a place to live. I would not be homeless. I said yes. I should have said no and lived on the streets. It started slowly as these things always do. I enjoyed the kink. I wanted some pain. I didn’t want the mean, the nasty, the cruel. The dark films…so dark…evil..beyond sadistic. I thought he could change, that I could change him. I sank into the abyss. He tried to hit, I fought back. I made a vow and an oath that no man would ever take advantage of me or hurt me again.

He is a jock, a former quarterback and then defensive back. Not so popular that it went to his head. He is tall and dark and is so very good looking. He got on stage and performed with me. He gave me standing ovations and brought me roses backstage. He is my biggest fan and I am his. You give me all your time.

He is his own person. He stood up for what was right in spite of the status quo. He’s a good man who doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone. He has high cheek bones. He has smile that will make you melt. He plays a mean game of darts. We are rebels by just being together in the first place. You’re a gentleman with a wonderfully wicked side.

I am completely in love with this All American-part black-part Native American-part Scottish man. He sits me in his lap and brushes my hair. He cares about and asks about everything I think, do, feel, and value. He gives me his undivided attention. You always look for ways to give me more.

He is my protector. He treats me so well. He can be gentle, he can be rough. He’s strong physically and in spirit as well. We will never visit Sweden.

Well-to-do family. Highly educated and respected parents who lived in an exclusive neighborhood. Our summer romance by the beach still continues. I wasn’t a fling, I was everything. He loves my ethnicity. You thought I was too good for you.

He takes me on the dance floor and has some serious moves We’ve fucked in the car. I can’t tell him what to do as he has a mind of his own. He will listen to what I have to say and then make the decision that needs to be made. You are my dominant.

He loves to laugh and is full of joy. He can be the life of the party, but doesn’t need to be. He knows when to let others shine. He’s selective about friends. He has a delicious dark side. I love our kink and the pain he inflicts. He has never been evil or cruel. He would never hurt me. He has never put me down or belittled me. He provides for all my needs and encourages me to reach for any goal I set my mind to accomplish. I said yes. You pull out the very best in me and each day just gets better than the next.

I renounce that vow and oath because it made me resist you for too long. I didn’t let you all the way in. Now that I finally have a whole new world opened up for us. You are everything I’ve ever needed and more.

41 thoughts on “The Total Package

  1. Wow Elle!! I’m so sorry you had to suffer through all those other blokes, and most importantly through the one that made you take that oath. And I’m glad you found someone who know how to give you the pain you want without taking advantage of you. I have been in a very non-supportive relationship. I know the feeling, though it seems to a much lesser extent than you.
    I’m happy for you that you found each othe.


    • Thank you, Dawn. You have had more than your fair share. The one that made me take the vow was the x, but at least my time with him was short-lived. Coach waited for me to heal all these years. I’ll love him forever for that.


      • I just re-read my comment and noticed all the typos… sorry!
        May I ask roughly how long the short-lived shitty relationship lasted?
        If mine had been as physically abusive as yours, I may not have survived it, I was too weak back then. Or I would have recognised it sooner for what it was and decided to leave it earlier. I’ll never know.
        But knowing you found true love, support, happiness after such a dark relationship gives me hope. Thank you for that.


        • I wasn’t with him long…2 years between dating and marriage. He didn’t hit me, but he tried and I punched him in the stomach and he doubled over. Yeah, I’m a bad ass. His kink got darker, the porn got nasty. He said cruel things. He was the one who left me and for a while I desperately wanted him back, that is until I met Coach and saw how a real man acted.


          • A relationship can be physically abusive even if he doesn’t hit you. From what you wrote, he asked you to engage in some kink that you were uncomfortable with. That is abuse. Or at least it felt like that to you (from your writing). The funny thing is, you may now engage in similar things with Coach (I’m talking about your dream here, of which some aspects were pretty dark!) and they would feel totally different because there would be respect 🙂
            I totally relate to the cruel things. Even though no one who knows my ex realises it. The lack of support was just horrible. I’m happy for you that your ex left you, and even more that you met someone who treats you right. As I said, it shows me there is hope. 🙂


            • Yes, it’s the intent behind the kink, not always the kink itself. My dream did have reality in it with some to come as well. So different wanting to do things now as opposed to way back when. You can see though why I stuffed that part of me down for so long. It took me a long time to reconcile my desires with all that bad.

              There is hope, Dawn. I hope you get what you want and find the one who fits exactly with you (((hugs))).


              • Thanks Elle, for your good wishes.
                Reading this comment made me realise something though: I can totally understand why it took you a while to let that part of you resurface. And I’m thinking, it may be why I didn’t let it surface in the first place, because there was so little respect of my person in that relationship, I knew deep down it wouldn’t be healthy. And also knew most probably that he wasn’t ready to take charge like that. So much more I want to write about it, but this is your blog, not mine 😉
                Thanks for the hugs. And thank you for sharing your journey with us.


  2. This is beautiful. Wow, that is some gorgeous mix: black-native American-Scottish. And you and I, my friend, must’ve been on the same dating wave length in our “troubled youth.” It took me almost a decade and a half of abusive or less-than-noble men before I found my knight. And then another 20 before I realized he truly was THE ONE. And this last two years’ journey of letting him in, letting my walls down, knowing I could trust him. There was so much emotional damage (back it up to my childhood and very bad dad crap) and I’m incredulous to realize there could be healing. They should sell this D/s stuff 🙂 Sounds like you two are in heaven! A lovely tribute.

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  3. Less than noble men…there’s an understatement! I really know that I’m healed and reflecting back on those boys (not men) I see that I was searching for a true dominant and I got one! I can see very clearly why I held back my desires all these years.


  4. This is so moving… absolutely beautiful the journey you’ve made. Some toads here and there, but to be with your prince. So, So, So worth it. 🙂



    • Thank you, ‘Tis. I’ve had a lot of my past to reconcile, but I’m not sad about it. I’m healed from it. I was so young when I was with these guys. I can see now that I was looking for certain qualities and these guys were like archetypes of those qualities, but they couldn’t go beyond that, at least not with me. Truthfully, they were young, too, and needed some life lessons themselves.


  5. The most perfect love stories so often begin as your history began. I’m happy to be reading the story as it continues to unfold.


      • I know!!! MC waited for me. Waited when I told him I wasn’t coming back and cut off contact. Have you heard the song, “Austin” by Blake Shelton? It is exactly about that. I cried when I heard it after we reconnected and I knew He waited for me. We say that Blake Shelton is our official songwriter for the theme music of our relationship!


        • I just listened to it. Beautiful lyrics. That’s so wonderful that he waited for you. You both knew it was meant to be.

          I went away by burying everything I felt deep inside so even though it seemed as life was going on as usual, I didn’t give him my all. He knew one day I would open it all up. He didn’t know what I would reveal, but he said I was worth the wait.

          We have good men 🙂


  6. Miss Elle- this is a very powerful message which speaks volumes about your relationship, about your submission, his Dominance, your obedience, his directness, your ability to laugh, his ability to enjoy, your ability to relax, his ability to appreciate, but mostly about your love for one-another.

    Simply beautiful, miss Elle… 🙂

    -Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)


  7. Pingback: I Was a Domme Once, Part Um (that’s Portuguese for one, kids) | The Submission of Elle

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