Some Dom/sub Advice Would Help, Please!

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I have a bit of a take charge personality, as many submissives actually do, and  a new job is looming on the horizon. You see, I need to go back to work. I got pregnant with our first when I was 35 and at the end of my first trimester Coach called me at work and told me to quit. I quit on the spot. I had been working almost steadily since I was 13 and he felt I needed a break. I was also throwing up every 10 min and mainly sat at my desk doubled over. He was too worried about me. Well, another kid later and now it’s been almost 13 years that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom. I’ve taken on part time and contract work through the years, but it’s now time to go back. There are goals we want to accomplish and another paycheck will make all the difference. I haven’t forgotten about wanting to dance burlesque and sing cabaret. Performing is my passion and extra money will allow me the luxury of pursuing my passion.

I went on a job interview last week and I hit it off with the President of the company. It doesn’t hurt that he is one of Coach’s clients, but that only got me in the door. I think it was one of my best interviews to date. I researched the industry, learned about the company, and I prepared as best I could. After introductions and initial background information he came right out and told me the problems they are experiencing and exactly what they’re looking to accomplish. This is where I was able to share my skills and ideas. It went very well and we had a good rapport. Now I’m waiting for a meeting to be set up the partners. I’m excited because this is much bigger and more lucrative than we initially thought. It’s an upper management position, which mean a lot of responsibility. I know I can do the job and I am very excited about the challenge.

Here’s where I need advice….I’m trying to wrap my head around how I’m going to balance being someone in charge at work and then coming home and getting back into submissive head space. I remember the long, dark days of coming home from work and still wearing my “bossiness,” if you know what I mean. Those were the hardest times of our marriage. I will have a lot on my plate with work and kids and taking care of Coach and my personality can be intense once I’m on a schedule. I can turn very goal oriented and feel like I have to do everything in my power to get the job done and done right the first time. If Coach has given me a task that I somehow don’t accomplish I’m almost devastated. I love pleasing him and his approval means everything to me. I feel like I’ve gotten into  a submissive groove, so to speak, and to screw up everything we’ve worked towards would break my heart. I can’t do that to him/us.

Coach is proud of me and totally believes in my abilities. I’m so thankful that he is supportive and encouraging. I have to make sure I don’t fall prey to trying to control life outside of the office. Any advice on how to merge these worlds, how to set up a safety net for myself, how to keep my submission strong and free from the invasion of the body snatchers would be so appreciated.

Can I be like Melanie Griffiths in Working Girl and separate business from pleasure?

68 thoughts on “Some Dom/sub Advice Would Help, Please!”

  1. For me, back in the day (a whole three weeks ago), being mindful of my submission outside of being the boss of something/someone was made easier by having very specific tasks. Now, granted, my relationship at the time was different because it was LDR, but I still had that leftover “in control” mindset to deal with. Daddy would sometimes send me little tasks through the day – things that could be accomplished as time permitted – and of course, there were certain early morning and evening tasks to complete each day before and after work. That helped me remember the difference between the two halves of my life.

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  2. For me, I have to compartmentalize my life. Once I hit the driveway at home I CAN’T be who I am at work. One of the things that I do is completely change clothes, maybe it sounds silly but it’s like shedding my skin and becoming “girl.” We don’t have children so I can put on something just for W and it helps. I also sometimes assume my submissive pose for a few minutes while changing if it has been a particularly stressful day. None of us is perfect and I make mistakes from time to time but finding rituals has really helped me.

    You have a lot going on my friend but you are a strong and capable women….you will make it work.

    r

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    • R, what you said about clothes gave me an idea. I grew up a bit of a tomboy so my default clothing is jeans and tshirts. Coach loves when I dress to impress and I know designers and styles, which is more of the reason I don’t always dress up. My tastes and likes don’t necessarily line up with my wallet. But I know I’ll need to pad my wardrobe now and I’m thinking I really need to stay away from pants and stay mainly with skirts and dresses and try and only wear sexy bras and panties. I think I need to stay away from anything masculine, if you know what I mean. I will be in a very masculine industry and co-workers will mostly be men. I don’t want to be one of the boys.

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      • I see R (thruthemist) at work often, and she is the same person, funny and smart, with a completely different no-nonsense demeanor. She dresses up for work and she has a wonderful collection of sexy lingerie to choose from, but I often tell her what to wear under her work clothes – no padded bras ever. I love it when I wink or whisper something to her and I can see a hint of nipple perk up. When she hits the door at home she goes straight to her room, strips off the bra (I insist) and puts on something comfortable that doesn’t let me forget she’s a woman. I often tell her what I’d like to see her in, but she knows I like to be tantalized, and she knows just what to put on if I have no demands.
        R’s Captain

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  3. I am the big boss at work and this was hard for me initially as we were transitioning. It takes a combination of him realizing I haven’t gotten there and me consciously having a set of routines to get me there to shift. I call him on my ride home and begin to think about being his babygirl specifically while I am driving. I’m one who tends to take work home in my head, so this is a challenge for me to get rid of. We talked about it and he now insists that I sit on his lap and he gives me a hard kiss and hair pull when I arrive to ensure I clear my head. You will find the things that work best for you. The most important thing is to share your fears with Coach and let him solve the problem. He knows you best.

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  4. Congratulations miss Elle!

    Interestingly, in my studying of those who are the foremost submissives, the majority (not all) are in a decision making capacity by day and wish to be the opposite at home. I believe this relates back to playing upon your desires to submit to those whom you trust, and conquer all of the rest! Okay, slightly joking of course, but to a certain extent I think it may be true. Keep us posted on what your rituals become miss Elle?

    -Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)

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    • Thank you, TW, I will. I think you’re right and I’ve seen those studies. Giving our submission to the one we trust makes it that much sweeter a gift for the recipient as it’s a conscious choice to give it.

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  5. I have a staff of three, and the last two years I spent as Vice President, then president of our association with 160 active members, and 180 retired members on the rolls. Needless to say, it has been a very stressful two years in my work environment. I make decisions and have so much planning and follow up to do everyday, as well as many questions requiring fast decisions all day long. So for me it’s a relief to walk in my front door and just leave my work world at the door. And that is kinda how I envision it. Off comes the work hat, and out comes the sexy submissive, that just wants someone else to make the decisions! And in the morning as I’m leaving for work, I pick up the work hat as I walk out the door, and during my 15 minute drive to work, I form my plan for my day.

    For me it really is that easy, and if I’ve had a bad day, and need to vent or cry it out, I will ask Sir for a moment of his time, via phone, or if he is home I will settle on my knees between his feet and give it to him. He receives it, helps me to sort it, and then helps me to move beyond it.

    I wish you luck on landing the job, the rest will fall into place. And the two of you will need to work together to form the framework that will fit your dynamic. There will be days you stumble but you both will find a way to make it work.

    Hugs, Mynx

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    • I will be starting out overseeing 6 locations and more to come as they are in the process of expanding. I will be reporting directly to the President and Partners. I guess I’ll be a glorified executive assistant with a manager’s hat and some autonomy in several areas. I’ve made a few Presidents and department heads look really good over the years and this job will be utilizing all my administrative and project management/event planning experience. I get very submissive with authority. I don’t want to be so spent at the end of the day that I don’t have much to give my own Dom.

      Coach is hard to get a hold of at work. If he has back to back clients then he may only have minutes between and he may have to call back clients first. It’s one of our biggest struggles. So many times I’ve needed him and I have to wait hours and hours to get him on the phone. I know we will find our way and make it work.

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  6. Believe it or not, it’s a challenge for everyone I believe – sub and Dom alike. That is, to wear the different hats of life – to know which one to wear when, and when to take them off. I would only suggest a bigger awareness in your communication with Coach as you continue. It’s an exciting time, and anyone would be proud of you – it’s another change that I’m sure you two can handle.

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    • So many hats to wear is right. I know I function better when I’m busy. I have 2 speeds…stop and go. My go speed is that of order, routine, and organization. My stop speed is go with the flow/flower child/artist/beach bum (but I’m not near a beach).

      We will have to restructure our communication so we both stay on the same page. I’m going to need his direction more than ever.

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      • I’m more than positive that this is nothing that you and Coach can’t handle. Struggle? Maybe – but we all struggle, life is an ebb and flow, sunrises and sunsets. If you feel like your drowning, remember the strength you have in your partner and those who support you.

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  7. Well, exciting times ahead!
    Congratulations as it sounds like you’re going to land that job. It seems made for you.
    I don’t have much advice to offer you, I am not in such a relationship. I could understand wanting to just let go after a hard day at work, not have to make decisions and just enjoy having them reached for you.
    What worries me, having been there somewhat, is when I read ” I will have a lot on my plate with work and kids and taking care of Coach “. This part I know. I’ve really been there.
    The thing is, you need to keep in mind that you won’t be able to do the same as you used to do and some role redistribution will need to take place. You cannot possibly have a demanding job that you didn’t use to have and still want to do all the rest exactly the same.Every time I tried to do that in my life, it backfired. So you need to find a new balance where you get help either from Coach or outside help. Something has to give.
    Best of luck finding the right balance.
    XO

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    • Everything has to change or I will go mad. I am a Libra and Libras have to have balance. I know I won’t be able to do everything the same so this is why I am getting proactive to put some things in place now, if possible. We are going to put nearly all bills on auto pay for one. I know the busi-ness of life will make it difficult to get it all done and the last thing I want to do is start screwing up bill paying. I have to admit I’ve done that already by just having too much to do and forgetting to pay something. Once I start getting paid we agreed that we will get some housekeeping help at least 2x a month. The kids are already really good about chores so I think the extra help will make a big difference for me. I know I need to just take it one day at a time and not overwhelm myself.

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  8. And still after all I have read and all is said and done. YOU and COACH will find the exact balance needed to journey forward. Of this, I am sure. Don’t sell either one of you short, you have come to far to worry….now comes the consensus, compromise, the promise that this road is correct….you all will be fine.

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    • Coach was just telling me the other night that this is the best thing we’ve ever done for ourselves. He credits our Dom/sub relationship with all of the positive changes we’ve made in our lives and for the wonderful direction we’re headed. Finally allowing our true natures to thrive has given us life. I’m not the same person I was 13 years ago and neither is he. I’m sure I will never go back to where we were, but I want to ensure we don’t lose momentum.

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  9. Good luck and congratulations! I can’t offer specific help with your transition other than to use your commute/drive time to de-stress. Play your favorite music (or the kids music when you pick them up) to help clear your business head away and bring in your home/sub head.

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    • Music helps me so much. I should make a special “submissive mindset” playlist to play in the car. There are so many songs that speak to me that way. Thank you for bringing up music. I will get right on this 🙂

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  10. OK….last post…..You have the tie between wife and mother down. You have got this…just let is go and blossom. The division between wife and sub is easy compared to what you do at work….just let it not be a big deal. Again…you have this….let it shine 🙂

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  11. Elle, I would definitely like to read how you are able to find the right balance. I’m definitely in a position of authority at work, and am constantly sought out for guidance, counsel, and decision making. I have been trying diligently to NOT be Mrs. Bossy-pants at home (more so recently), and try to spend the commute home thinking of ways to show my submission and please Husband. He is also very difficult to communicate with during the day, so I feel your pain there. There are so many times I wish I could just call him, but can’t. I’ve also been thinking a lot about rituals. We only have a couple, right now. I’m not rushing anything, because I want him to lead in the ways he is most comfortable, but I have started wearing dresses and skirts over the last few months, and I honestly believe it does change your mindset. I feel far more feminine and, despite being a blue-jeans babe, I now find that I’m more comfortable in a dress or skirt than I truly was in jeans!!!! It’s an interesting attitude changer.

    I’ll be coming back to read more ideas though. Stopping myself from being the boss is the HARDEST thing I am learning how to do.

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  12. Wow Elle, congrats with the interview going that well. That’s awesome girl! Oh yes, a second pay check does help a hell of a lot! Good luck with the meeting with the partners!

    I have read a view posts of stay at home submissive moms/wives and each time it made me think that it just sounded easier to be a submissive mindset than somebody that works full time. Although I would love to do it, something like kneeling when he gets home just wouldn’t work for us.

    When we’re on our own for a few days our dynamic is completely different to when it’s back to hectic work hours and kiddo etc, and it does take it toll sometimes.

    For us, rituals work. We have an evening routing before I get in bed. We do our special romantic dinner once a week where all we do is chat and then playtime every Saturday. So there’s always something to look forward to when life gets too hectic.

    You’ve got Coach’s support so you’ll be fine!

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    • Ha! I have admired all the submissives that work and make it work. It’s easy to fall into a stay at home trap and get needy. Not having enough adult interaction doesn’t help either. I have sometimes felt as if I’ve put too much pressure on Coach. I’m sure he can handle anything I throw his way, but he does like me feeling confident and secure.

      I think I remember you saying that the two of you cook that romantic dinner together. I love that. I get the feeling Coach and I will have a new appreciation for what we have and will make our time together more special.

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  13. Elle,
    Sometimes it is hard for me to shut down. Master is always waiting in a chair when I enter a space. I head over to Him, kneel and put my head in His lap. Sometimes I kneel immediately (run to Him). Other times, I talk as I wander around and then settle down. When I am in his lap, he pets my hair and back — I try to drop my shoulders and breathe. As soon as my shoulders can drop, I verbally run through my offerings to Master.

    This may not work with kids (obviously), but a touch, look and vocal engagement really helps me. If you can set-up a subtle ritual, that may make the transition easier.

    Or, if we are on a time crunch — Master will become the heavy Dom and that shifts me, immediately.

    So excited for you! Crossing fingers that the discussion with the partners goes well.

    “Break A Leg!”
    XO

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    • You carry your stress in your shoulders too?

      Kids and late working hours make our evening ritual difficult now so I can only imagine how it will be when I start working.

      He may need to be a heavy Dom a little more often until I learn how to make the switch easier.

      I’m sure he’ll give me what I need when I need it. They always do, don’t they?

      Thanks for crossing your fingers. I hope this process moves swiftly because I am just a little bit too impatient.

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  14. I’m going to break the mold of these comments and address Coach, not Elle.
    Coach, here’s where you need to shine. She will come home, managing work in her head, managing kids in her head, managing dinner and the house and everything else, all filling her head. It’s your job then to do something, big or small, verbal or non-verbal, even remotely if you’re working late, to make her shift back into sub mode as it relates to you. She can still manage everyone else, but she’ll need to be brought back into sub mode as it relates to you. When you’ll have problems with her is when you forget, when you’re own weariness leads you to relax and not think about it. You can be proud of who she is, how managerial, successful and authoritative she is in all other parts of her life, and still remind her, in some small way every day, that she’s yours. Take it from a man who fails to do this as more times than I’d care to admit, it’s hard when our own world gets in the way and we let our attention slide.

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    • Thank you for the reminder about what I need to do. We’re on the same page. I’ve let things slide enough to know that it doesn’t help so I want to keep that from happening.

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  16. Elle, while I haven’t responded in the past – I have followed your site for a very long time. I like many others have an executive position that require a great decision making, stress, etc….then coming home and managing kids, house can be very difficult for me.
    What I have done which is similar to what was mentioned earlier and that is to totally change clothes with an extra step. I asked that we put a full length mirror in our bedroom and before I put on my new clothes I kneel before the mirror naked and breath deeply…often not more that 5 minutes but it helps me with the transition.

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  17. Elle, I hit the send button to quickly. Congrats on your new job! You will find a way to make the transition – its just another step in your journey.

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    • Hi Cerita! Thank you so much for commenting and for such wonderful advice. I like that idea of kneeling in front of a mirror. I’m sure now that I will be able to make the transitions I need and Coach has assured me that he will help me through. It’s so nice to get all of this wonderful advice from lovely working subs (Does, too) such as yourself. I’m in good company.

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  18. Elle, You’re going to be fine. Sure it might be a little difficult/hectic at first. But I have a feeling that Coach isn’t going to let you get to comfy in that dominant position. Take a deep breath and enjoy your new job. Be the boss at work and when you come home be you..The mom, the wife, the Submissive. Life sounds great in your shoes. A little hectic but you’ll have this figured out in no time. You did run a household for 13yrs. That’s like running a business. And you did it well. Adding this knew job will only boost your confidence and Coach will keep you grounded. Keep that chin up Ms. Elle. Hugs…

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  19. Just heard that a they have a buy-out offer that they are considering so I have been put on hold for the next 30 days. Oh well, such as life. I’m disappointed (understatement), but what can I do? Thank you, everyone, for your advice. You were all so kind to jump on here and say such encouraging things. Think good thoughts for me that this or an another opportunity will find its way to me. Not a happy day for me *sniffs, wipes tear*

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  20. I have good news! I cried happy tears yesterday! I received a call yesterday from the owner of the company requesting that I do a special project for them. They are seeking a contract from the city and need a sizzling proposal (his words). Oh, how I do love to sizzle (if he only knew!). He said I was the first person he and the partners thought of and that I am perfect for this project. He said they loved how I presented myself, that I’m well spoken, and they even loved how I put together my resume. They believe I have a fresh perspective that is valuable to the company because they don’t want the same old same old. I will even be given my own graphic designer and anything else I need.

    Without saying outright that they are not accepting the offer to sell, he told me that they believe this is a perfect opportunity to see if I’m a good fit for the company and if the company is a good fit for me so I believe that speaks volumes. So, it’s an audition and don’t you know that I do love an audition. They are looking for creativity and creativity is what they will receive. I did not go to college, but rather did a two year professional theater program at top school. I know what I know about business from paying attention, asking the right questions, taking risks, and reading. I also have street smarts that you just can’t get by sitting in a lecture hall. Life is meant to be experienced and I have had a good amount of experiences. This industry is like the Wild West and I know how to ride bare back. Oh, fuck, I can make anything about sex. Yee Ha!

    I meet them on Monday to go over all the variables.

    Phase One of The Invitation (https://thesubmissionofelle.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/the-invitation/) completed 🙂 This job is a means to an end so we can indulge in all the delicious treats life has to offer. You have no idea how much we need a vacation! I’ll keep you apprised of the guests as each one RSVPs.

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