I have my “audition” for my new job today. In the next 40-50 hours I have to put together a proposal for a city contract. The outcome is a make or break…job or no job. To say that I’m nervous is an understatement. They’re giving me a graphic artist and anything else I need, but fuck I just can’t screw this up. So much riding here. Maybe too much riding here. Our family needs this.
I’m sitting on the edge of my bed fresh from the shower…wet hair…towel wrapped around me…and all I want right now is to be tied up and used relentlessly. I want to go to my happy place. I want to go to that place where my mind shuts off. I want to be fucked for hours, flogged mercilessly, and have my mouth used over and over. I don’t need to receive any pleasure. I just want to be used.
I can’t fail at this. I just can’t. Too many tears rolling down my cheeks. I thought I was OK leading up to this, but I was obviously holding it all in. I tried to reach out to D yesterday, but she starts a new job today so I didn’t want to burden her. I tried to reach out to a couple of other people just to chat and laugh, but I know they’re busy because no one got back to me. Coach has already left for work. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Why? I better suck this up fast.
Coach believes in me. Why am I doubting myself?