A Look At The Real Me

I have my “audition” for my new job today. In the next 40-50 hours I have to put together a proposal for a city contract. The outcome is a make or break…job or no job. To say that I’m nervous is an understatement. They’re giving me a graphic artist and anything else I need, but fuck I just can’t screw this up. So much riding here. Maybe too much riding here. Our family needs this.

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed fresh from the shower…wet hair…towel wrapped around me…and all I want right now is to be tied up and used relentlessly. I want to go to my happy place. I want to go to that place where my mind shuts off. I want to be fucked for hours, flogged mercilessly, and have my mouth used over and over. I don’t need to receive any pleasure. I just want to be used.

I can’t fail at this. I just can’t. Too many tears rolling down my cheeks. I thought I was OK leading up to this, but I was obviously holding it all in. I tried to reach out to D yesterday, but she starts a new job today so I didn’t want to burden her. I tried to reach out to a couple of other people just to chat and laugh, but I know they’re busy because no one got back to me. Coach has already left for work. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Why? I better suck this up fast.

Coach believes in me. Why am I doubting myself?

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58 thoughts on “A Look At The Real Me

  1. Okay. Stop with the self-doubt… If they didn’t think you could pull it off, you wouldn’t have been given the opportunity to prove your capabilities. Deep breath. Let it out. Relax. You’ve sooooo got this, miss Elle… Go kick some ass! πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m breathing, TW. You’re a businessman and you know they wouldn’t give something that important to just anyone, right? Intellectually I know all of this. I just need heart and body to catch up with my mind.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Exactly. Yes, this. You do have it and the unwavering support of an excellent man. Coach knows you too, and would not want you fail and would have suggested other things for you try so as to protect you and your heart if he thought otherwise. Believe in yourself Elle. Go, show these guys who Elle is, and don’t hold back. If it’s not what they’re looking for, that’s okay too, you’ll know you did your best.

        I tell my kids as they head out the door; Work harder, try harder, think clearer, work smarter… They figured it out and get it, and do it. Just go do it. You’ve got this…

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  2. I enjoy your blog. Can’t say I always comprehend fully, however, it is the beautiful mental/physical sensations I experience, quite frankly the ‘turn on’ that I genuinely cherish. At my age, that is significant….Thank You!
    Sent from my iPhone

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      • Exactly! Now, go apply that to that job of yours and blow their minds πŸ™‚
        Sometimes, when I start a new something, I think: ‘Why did they give me this job? Am I up to it?’ And believe me, as often as I’ve moved, I’ve had to start anew a good number of times πŸ™‚ Often, I doubt myself, but if I think about it, if I reason, I know that deep down this is exactly what I need and that I’ll not only be good at it but excel at it. It’s worked for me many times, even before I knew to ask for the perfect job πŸ™‚ So now, just take deep breaths, exhale fully, and ask for the perfect idea to strike πŸ™‚
        Go get them, Tiger!

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        • It really is what I need right now. I think for me I fought to get noticed and prove myself. This time is different. I’m not used to be being appreciated aside from Coach and my immediate family.

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          • Well, get used to it, you’ll see, it’s a nice feeling πŸ™‚

            (Ok, I don’t always accept that feeling myself, but I get better at it everyday thanks to all of y’all’s help)
            I know, how very Southern of me to speak like that… but I really like saying y’all, I don’t get to do it very often anymore πŸ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

  3. So do exactly as I say. Close your eyes. Wait that’s not gonna work. Open your eyes. I said OPEN YOUR EYES!!! Grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you. Sorry about that. Keep your eyes open and finish reading…

    Now where was I, Awww yes! So sit and center yourself. Deep breaths, you are beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy as all get out and you are gonna own today! You are gonna go in there and knock their socks off. Maybe pitch a few trouser tents too.

    What??? Sorry one track mind this morning. Someone’s husband decided to post some pics about mood rings and all I know is my mood is now altered. πŸ˜‰

    Seriously girl!!! You got this! No second thoughts about it.

    Kisses!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Snort snort snort snort!!! You’ve got me laughing so hard. You’re wonderful.

      I had a brief moment of doubt after getting out of the shower. I looked in the mirror and realized I had forgotten to get my eyebrows done and they were looking a little ragged.

      Now you have me thinking about how fun it would be to go camping. I pitch a really good tent. The tents I pitch don’t come down so easily when things blow. I can make a tent stay up for a very long time.

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      • Yay!!!! Glad I got you smiling and laughing! Best medicine out there, …. well second to pitching tents and camping that is. Hehe

        xoxo

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  4. There is nothing more powerful on the planet than a confident sub. You wreak of confidence, in knowing who you are and where you want to be. I get confused as how you can be so confident in your submissiveness, and yet there it is.

    You are strong (stronger than you realize). You will prevail. I have confidence.

    And of course you could always sing the “I have confidence” song from the Sound of Music. That always helps.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Sending positive thoughts your way. I’m somehow sorry that I didn’t read this earlier. But I am very confident that you’ve got this!
    And next time, you can always try to send me a message on hangouts πŸ˜‰
    XO

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  6. Elle, you are a beautiful, bright competent women…as an hr professional I can tell you they would not have given you this opportunity if they didn’t think you were capable. Your talents are greater than you realize…you so have this. Take a deep breath, stay focused and take one step at a time…as you can see you have a strong support system starting with Coach. Just go for it!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Coming to the Elle party late, but I agree that they must see your light shine or they wouldn’t be giving you the potential keys to the kingdom.
    I would wish you luck but I suspect you don’t need it.
    πŸ™‚
    xx

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    • Thank you so much for your sweet words, Cinn. I suffer sometimes from feeling iverwhelmed because I want so much to do the best job I can. I walked in confidently and hit the ground running.

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  8. Deep breaths certainly help, as does remember the times you’ve succeeded in the past. The other commenters said it very well that you wouldn’t be given this opportunity if you weren’t capable of it. I’m sending positive energy your way with the encouragement that you will kick major butt.

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  9. Oh, Elle, I was traveling yesterday, so I just saw this at 5:29 am EDT 7/8/14. I hope it went well. I would have been your cheerleader if you needed it. Hoping the interview went well. XO

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    • I know you would have been, dievca! I have begun my project. Sad to say that these boys are not so organized and prepared. I have to be very proactive to get what I need to accomplish the goal. Oy!

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  10. Praying it all is going well for you, sorry I’m just now catching up on blogs. I know you enough that you were going for perfection, and that can be a mighty tall order sometimes. Add in the schizophrenia we subs have (powerful, in-control warrior women in all aspects of life, but our sub side needing to be cared for and dominated) , it can get tough to keep our balance. Keep us posted. I totally get the desire to knock it out of the park… but Don’t stress too much lady!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I made it though and started the project, but then the project was pulled due to a complication (nothing to do with me). They will be giving me other projects in the near future. All in all, it was a wonderful experience and a much needed kick in the butt to jump start things.

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      • Ah, I was wondering what had happened with this. Well, it’s a disappointment for sure, but I’m glad it’s not your work that was criticized but rather that they decided against that project πŸ™‚
        It’s good that it was a positive experience no matter what. At least you now *know* that you’re ready to jump into that project ay the drop of a hat πŸ™‚
        XO

        Like

  11. Pingback: What a Difference a Year Makes! | The Submission of Elle

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