Jill, Part 2

I am truly amazed at myself. The news came and stabbed me in the heart. I felt it down to my soul when the reality of it sunk in and I cried out in anguish in the parking lot of a crappy fast food chain.

I sat in my car with tears streaming down my cheeks and a lifeline buzzing on my phone. I momentarily glanced at faint scars on my wrists and ran my fingertips along them. My scars are my own personal Braille and tell the story of Jill and the aftermath of losing her.

Jill, the one I didn’t go with that day.

Jill, the one who was murdered in cold blood.

Jill, the first one I chose to kiss and who kissed me back.

Jill, the one whose lips tasted like lakeside sunshine and whose skin smelled like coco butter.

Jill, my friend.

As I thought of sweet Jill I had to smile because she would want me to live and to live well. I thought of new friends who showed such heartwarming kindness and shared words that uplifted. I thought of new beginnings and the opportunity to embrace change and allow it to mold and shape me. I thought of new scents and tastes and longed to reach out to them right through the phone.

I am amazed at myself because I made a choice to keep moving forward and in the making of that choice life revealed new possibilities. I drove away breathing deeply with a faint smile on my lips, knowing that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.  There are some dreams I can’t have now, but they were never mine to have in the first place. Dreams come to us based on wants and desires and then some need to fade away, but in their place new dreams appear. I have to let some dreams fade, but now that they’re gone I’m embracing the dreams I can have and I know they’ll be exactly what I need.

“You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need”