Jill, Part 2

I am truly amazed at myself. The news came and stabbed me in the heart. I felt it down to my soul when the reality of it sunk in and I cried out in anguish in the parking lot of a crappy fast food chain.

I sat in my car with tears streaming down my cheeks and a lifeline buzzing on my phone. I momentarily glanced at faint scars on my wrists and ran my fingertips along them. My scars are my own personal Braille and tell the story of Jill and the aftermath of losing her.

Jill, the one I didn’t go with that day.

Jill, the one who was murdered in cold blood.

Jill, the first one I chose to kiss and who kissed me back.

Jill, the one whose lips tasted like lakeside sunshine and whose skin smelled like coco butter.

Jill, my friend.

As I thought of sweet Jill I had to smile because she would want me to live and to live well. I thought of new friends who showed such heartwarming kindness and shared words that uplifted. I thought of new beginnings and the opportunity to embrace change and allow it to mold and shape me. I thought of new scents and tastes and longed to reach out to them right through the phone.

I am amazed at myself because I made a choice to keep moving forward and in the making of that choice life revealed new possibilities. I drove away breathing deeply with a faint smile on my lips, knowing that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.  There are some dreams I can’t have now, but they were never mine to have in the first place. Dreams come to us based on wants and desires and then some need to fade away, but in their place new dreams appear. I have to let some dreams fade, but now that they’re gone I’m embracing the dreams I can have and I know they’ll be exactly what I need.

“You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need”

12 thoughts on “Jill, Part 2

  1. We don’t always get what we want in life. The incident that caused me pain also caused me to change my perspective. Honestly, I went less than a day feeling the pain hard and then I had a moment of clarity. It still sucks and I would do anything to change it, but I have to be thankful for what I do have, which is so much. I truly believe that a thankful heart opens up a world of possibilities. I received good new on this day as well and that is a perfect example of how life is.

    Make the best of what you’ve got and be thankful. I didn’t let it overcome me. Amen!

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  2. Some times it makes you think that there is more to this universe than we can possibly see or understand. Songs come on at the moment we need to hear them. Thoughts come to our heads a split second before something happens that could have been dangerous had they not. A lovers healing touch is felt just at the moment it’s needed.

    She is watching over you and smiling. Proud of you for moving on. Grateful that you do not forget. Both can live in harmony.

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    • I totally agree, Chris. Jill lives in my heart. I haven’t allowed myself to feel for someone the way I felt about Jill, until now. It’s been a source of great pain and one that almost cost me everything. That was a long time ago. I have to always remember that I can face and deal with anything because once you’ve been at the very bottom and spat on you have nowhere else to go but up.

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      • Welcome to the ride up from the bottom. We are happy to have you aboard. I think you’ll like the view from higher up. I’m happy you have found someone to feel the way you felt about Jill.

        But remember… you promised me my skate. No reneging.

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        • I’ve been rising to the top for a while so thank you for the welcome. My ascension started nearly 14 years ago, but this last year I’ve grown wings 🙂

          I honestly don’t know if Coach has ever rollerskated. He trained some girls on a Roller Derby team, though.

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