Trust – Day 1

He woke me from a deep sleep at 5am by rubbing his hand along my bare back. I rolled over and he kissed me good morning. I turned back over onto my right side and he pulled me in close to spoon me. I pressed my ass into his groin and wiggled. He cupped my left breast and squeezed. We enjoyed a few minutes of wiggles and squeezes with hardness and wetness getting harder and wetter. Then one final squeeze, one final wiggle and he pulled himself away and headed to the bathroom to shower. These morning wake ups are bliss, but they’re fleeting.

I got up and made my way to the kitchen for coffee and to make his breakfast and get everything ready so he can get to work on time. I’m always happy to serve him this way and it is an expression of my submission. I know he appreciates what I do. We kissed goodbye in the laundry room and then he headed through the door to the garage. I am left disappointed because it was a quick kiss and a quick “love you.” Usually, our laundry room goodbyes are filled with so much more. I felt empty, but I promised to trust him over the next 30 days that he will give me what I need.

We are digging deeper into our D/s. We each want more from the other. I think this is the natural course of the relationship. We are different people than when we first started out and our needs have changed. Why 30 days? Some experts say you need 30 consistent days to establish new habits. Our D/s is not a habit, it’s who we are, but we’ve developed some habit patterns that do not serve us well. We uncovered an insecurity that causes me to doubt intentions and not trust so readily, which makes Coach feel like I don’t appreciate what he does for me. We’ve made our declarations and promises to each other and fully intend to give it our all. We both want to be more aware and in-tune with each other. We never want to take what we have for granted.

I know he has a lot on his mind today. An important meeting, a full schedule, a phone call to schedule another important meeting. Working a full time job and trying to build a business is time and thought consuming. My job today will be to make sure everything is functioning properly at home, do some research for him, and get my head in the right frame of mind for the next month.

Our days start early and we won’t physically connect again until close to 10pm on most nights. We don’t have the kind of evenings many couple do. There is no dinner on the table at 6pm so we can all eat together because he is not home. There is no snuggle and play on the couch when the kids go to bed because he is not home. There isn’t a quick fuck before bed because he is not home. These things do happen from time to time, but they are not common occurrences. I have come to accept this part of our lives.

Just a quick check-in call to tell me how a meeting went and a couple of brief texts was the only communication we had all day. We spoke on the phone at 8:15 pm to tell me he was picking our daughter up from dance and would be headed home soon. He told me to kneel for him when he gets home and my heart lept for joy. I knew he was making an effort with a more formal display of D/s and I was thankful. He walked in the door at 9:10 looking terribly exhausted. The 40 minute drive home had taken a toll. I feel for him. Right now I know he would rather go to sleep than do anything else. I was reading to our son, who would not settle down and go to bed earlier, so when he walked in the door he didn’t disturb us and I did not get a kiss hello. He sat on the couch to unwind and shared a little about his day. Then he wanted to check something out online and as he was reading the kids and I got noisy and he became annoyed. I told the kids to go to bed and they went upstairs. I reached over to turn off the lamp and I hit my elbow on the edge of the end table. I became frustrated. He was still annoyed and I took it personally and tried hard to not react negatively. I asked him what was wrong, but I was too insistent. I heard myself and didn’t like what I heard. I knelt at his feet and everything soon settled. I asked if I’ve done well today. He told me that I was good and he was pleased with me. He was just so fucking tired.

He told me to go up to bed and kneel for him. I went to our bedroom to get ready, but I was not moving too fast so I was not kneeling when he walked in, but he was fine with that. I finished what I was doing and I knelt. He washed up in the bathroom and then sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me up to him. He ran his fingers through my hair. He held my face in the palms of his hands and he kissed hard. He gripped my hair at the nape of my neck and kissed me harder. He slapped my tits very hard a few times. He didn’t speak a word and my eyes were wide and locked on his. He then slapped me across the face a quick three times without any hesitation. He pulled me in and kissed me even harder. He stood up and took off his clothes and his cock was rock hard. He told me to take off my clothes and get on all fours on the bed. I did so quickly. He started to fervently touch me all over. He pinched and twisted my nipples. He plunged his fingers into my wet pussy. I needed this. He stretched back on the bed and told me to suck his cock. I greedily took him in my mouth and sucked and licked. He moaned. I moaned. He held my hair and guided my head. I felt myself drifting into subspace, but I moved some weird way and felt a pinch in the back of my neck. I told him my neck was hurting. He told me to lay down and he wrapped his arm around me and cupped my left breast with his. We were in the same position as we were that morning. He told me to sleep. I let out a whimper of frustration, but quickly recovered. He promised we’ll pick it up tomorrow and we both drifted off to sleep.

17 thoughts on “Trust – Day 1

  1. Oh Elle, this happens to everyone, insecurities, and doubts arise. Fatigue, work, and family obligations can interfere with protocol. We are human after all, but you and Coach are solid in your relationship and the foundation of D/s, he is Dominant and you are submissive. Trust him 🙂

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  2. Elle, Coach loves you, Sounds like he’s just got a lot on his plate at work. But I have no doubt he will give you what you need. Be patient, and don’t take anything he does or doesn’t do personally. If you weren’t performing your
    duties so to speak I have no doubt he would let you know. We all have our days when we are tired, exhausted even. When he see’s that you’ve taken care of the house, and the kids that’s a load off of his busy mind. Take a breath. You are amazing! Enjoy the cuddles, and just be there for him, The weekend is almost here.. Hugs

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    • Weekends are filled with work. Out of necessity, he may have to work 7 days. We are beyond tired. This isn’t about having sex or scenes or play. I’ll be there for him. He’s doing his best to be there for me. We shall see.

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  3. Thanks Elle for a very honest post.
    I’m glad you managed to have a cleansing talk and are now finding out ways to make it work for you both.
    I do hope for you that you will see in the next 30 days (hopefully sooner already) the transition into new habits you are both longing for.
    Good luck.
    XO

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  4. Take the bits a pieces and allow them to add up. Don’t look for the grandiose move, it is the little things that bring the most joy – if you let them. I just read about your crazy busy day with small D/s pieces interspersed — that is a good day and I am thinking that you both slept well. XO

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    • I know he was trying, especially since it was day one. We have those little pieces and I do appreciate them, but so rarely get concentrated time and things always seem so quick. I feel like the gas tank never gets filled and I’m only running on fumes.

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  5. In a previous life I owned my own business. For 12 years, and I know the toll it can take. The thrust, the parry. The back and forth. It is never easy and even harder when you can’t share those trying moments.

    You two have not only a strong relationship but you are so much more aware of your relationship than most, as well. Talking it out is the best medicine. I think the prognosis is excellent.

    New name, same face, by the way. Just some house cleaning. I’m still waiting for my rollerskate.

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    • I’m in it with him and more than anyone I want him to succeed. It’s not the kind of business venture that is brick and mortar with a bank loan for start up capital. It’s based on his reputation and successes in the field. There is a performance standard that must be met, but he has to go above and beyond the standard because of what he’s trying to achieve. It’s a hard business to be successful in, but we know that he has the goods and those who will partner are starting to take notice.

      Talking has been getting harder. He spends his day doing so much talking that he says he’s all talked out when he gets home. I can only go with silence for so long. He’s become much too quiet.

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      • Hmmm. I know exactly where you’re coming from, sistah! My problem is more physical than mental. Neither are easy to deal with. Both may require outside help. The advantage I have is that I can provide my own, limited, help when needed.

        I have confidence you guys will work it out. 🙂

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  6. I’m totally relating in so many ways, and I’m so glad that you are able to write about this. The low times and the times when our fondest dreams and expectations aren’t being met are tough. As my recent post mentioned, I too have so much difficulty with the silence, or not being able to really, really talk because I don’t want to be an extra burden on him, I want to be his helpmeet. These are the moments that refine a relationship though, even if it is difficult to accept how your choices will make it better in the long run. I haven’t been able to read for about a week so I’m not sure what your 30 days is about– but I have something similar ahead of me. And after 6 months of things being on hold for us (surgery, kids home for the summer) in the D/s-BDSM department, it gets really difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there, sister! I’m praying for you!

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  7. Pingback: Trust – Day 30 – No Ordinary Love | The Submission of Elle

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