One Year Ago

One year ago, today, we found ourselves faced with a decision. We could fall apart or we could rise up. We could be the people we always wanted to be and live the life we always wanted to live or allow ourselves to fall apart and sink into a deep, dark hole. We owed it to ourselves and to our children to rise up against adversity. We had to set a good example and we had to prove to ourselves that death would not swallow us whole like it had in the past. The preceding month of my father in law’s hospitalization and then his week in hospice actually brought the best out in each of us. We first felt the pull to let circumstances dictate our future, a route so easily taken when life seems out of control, and if we allowed it we would have lost everything.

I knew I had to give Coach my unwavering support because of all the times he needed me to walk perfectly in my submission, this was the time. I then got to see something amazing – I saw the fullness of Coach’s dominance rise up. Coach has always been a dominant man. He is his own person and when he wants something he goes after it. He’s in control of himself, but he’s lighthearted at the same time. He never forces my submission because he wants me to willingly offer it, just like I want him to willingly dominate me. Something in him clicked, like that last puzzle piece being snapped into place.

There was a hold back between us since we first started living our lives as Dom and sub. We’d been feeling each other out for a while and we had some amazing times, but we also hit some road blocks along the way. I often wondered if we could continue, not just as Dom and sub, but as husband and wife. We really were at a make or break point and it was at this critical junction we found out what we were made of and what was really living inside. According to Coach, his worry was that we had lived a certain way for so long that the changes we needed to make to be successful at D/s would be too hard. In all honesty, I needed to do some major changing and unless I could go to that level he wasn’t going to move much past the place we were. I took responsibility for who and what I was. Coach made the changes he needed to make as well, and in our grief, he came to me and told me that we would no longer repeat the mistakes of the past. We started getting really honest with each other in ways that I never thought we could or even should, but when you face yourself head on you have to go there. The deepest of the deep started coming out, a little at first, and then within a short time the floodgates opened and it was a baptism of water and fire. We had a cleansing and a purging, which resulted in a refining.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father in law. To say that a lot has changed in the last year is truly an understatement. Instead of fighting death we allowed it to birth a new life.

“To everything – a season, and a time to every delight under the heavens.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 Young’s Literal Translation)

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35 thoughts on “One Year Ago

  1. Those types of anniversaries are never easy to experience. But at least you know that you’ve come a long way, that you’ve grown as a couple and as individuals. It is good that you are able to see the positives in the last year.
    May your journey continue to be as bright and open as you want it to be. And may you today find some peace in the grieving process.

    Beautifully expressed Elle. And on a different note, now I have that song in my head 😉

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    • Thank you so much, Dawn. We truly are at peace today. Coach is just moving forward with his life and creating the best life for us that he can. We spent this year reflecting, learning, and growing and now we are ready to turn the page to the new chapter in our lives. Act I I Scene I.

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  2. I’m so happy for you guys that you were able to make that sad difficult time work so well for you both, in order to completely click as dominant and submissive and to stay together as husband and wife. While I am happy, very happy with master and with our relationship and what the future looks to hold. There are moments, like last night, when it just strikes me as so unbelievably sad, XDH and I could make so glad to see you too did!!

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    • Thank you so much. It really is not an easy work to move through those very hard times in your life. It’s easy to get stuck and we’ve been there before. The first 13 years of our marriage were filled with some very difficult times. These last 12 years have been so much better, although they have not been without their fair share of trials. We feel like we have so many tools that we can utilize to get through to the other side when we have to deal with hard times.

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  3. Oh Elle… It’s amazing the transformation that can happen when we admit things to ourselves not just our loved ones. As painful as the process has been for the two of you and that it came out of an event as tragic as losing a loved one I know you wouldn’t change a thing about the journey if it meant you weren’t where you’re at right now with one another.

    I’m reminded of the quote I posted awhile back, “everything comes to us that belongs to us, if we create the capacity to receive it” You both obviously created the capacity to receive.

    I hope today won’t be one of mourning, but one of celebration. For a life no longer physically among you but still with you in heart and mind but more importantly of the one you are loving now.

    Love ya girl! xo

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    • ‘Tis, thank you so much. I love that quote and it is so true. We worked hard at making the room to receive, and you’re right, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have so much to thank you for because you were so understanding all those months ago when I emailed you and “came out” so to speak. You and Sofia were just so understanding and helpful and warm and friendly and I never could have anticipated at the time how life would change the way it has. To have such sweet people in my life that get me mean the world to me and all I want to do is reciprocate all that same sweetness and care. I felt so misunderstood and alone because I just couldn’t share these things with others because I knew they would judge, which turned out to be true. I knew that being open to receive the right people into my life would happen as long as I was true to myself. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and staying true to you, too.

      And we’re not.mourning today. I woke Coach up with a blow job this morning so he could start his day off right 😉

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      • Well good morning indeed! 😀

        I’m equally as grateful to have found a friend in you. It’s not often we meet others who get who we are as a person and then still want to know more. lol Thank you for that as well.

        Love ya! xo

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  4. So good to hear Elle, the journey never seems to end though, one hurdle after another, but oh… What a rich fabric our lives become, no?

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  5. Sometimes you need the impetus to start something big moving — usually that impetus is uncomfortable or unhappy. But, beauty grows from mud. You needed to go through the bad to get to the good. And you two have done it. I am sorry to hear about your Father-In-Law, but happy to hear about your life growth.

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    • Yes, beauty does grow from mud and every now and then you have to get your hands dirty and roll around in it. Being uncomfortable is not a bad thing because it sparks your creative juices. I believe this is what it means to move mountains.

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  6. You gave me support when I needed you most. We came together and chose what we have. I will always choose that with you. This has been a good year of growing and now we can move forward together and make our dreams come true. All my love, Kippy.

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  7. It is these fires, I am convinced, that only serve to strengthen a marriage. The people involved have to make decisions to stand firm through the challenges, and to have that dross burned off, even when it’s unpleasant. And I know you are familiar with “no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” and of course “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds…” Congratulations for your accomplishment!

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  8. I’m happy the changes in this last year have ultimately been good for you. Birthing new life deserves congratulations.
    Separately, who would have thought a top 10 pop song would be plagiarized from Ecclesiastes? I presume Solomon’s heirs have not stepped up to demand royalties.

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  9. Oh, wow. I am hearing some of the words I have spoken to myself in the last half-year. I don’t see myself as a “sub” yet I submit to my loving husband. He isn’t dominant, but I love being dominated by his manly yet gentle mannerisms. We are in a transition, like you both. My father in law passed away last spring after spending three days in hospice, ending a nine month cancer battle.

    We have been through a lot of serious challenges. Our intimate life is changing for the good and it is amazing. My husband has taken the lead and I am gladly following.

    Thank you for sharing your story!

    Mrs. Warm Creme

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  10. Wow! Really? I’m so glad I helped you. Empowerment is a beautiful thing. Here’s what I know: men are not as picky as women would like to believe. Yes, of course they are going to drool and oggle over some woman who is smokin’, but let me tell you, men are not as concerned about body flaws as most of us would like to believe. And ethnic man, generally speaking, want a little extra cushion. Men like a little jiggle. They want you bouncey. Most men don’t want a rock hard chiseled woman, they want curves and softness (but toned) and want a woman to exude sexuality and femininity.

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    • Thank you, Elle. Yes, you did help me.
      Let me qualify your statement – or adjust it, slightly. “‘Authentic men’ are not as concerned about body flaws as most of us would like to believe.” Mr. WC loved and desired me when I was bogged down with the weight of bearing three children. He loved me when I was (slightly) chiseled. I definitely have the curves that he likes (just enough for him, a little too much for me).

      Big HUGS to you!

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      • Thank you for the clarification and I agree with you. Yes, authentic men. Boys and man-boys make it really bad for women. They are the ones that dump you when you gain 10 lbs. Coach has had some female clients who when they gained a little bit of weight come to him crying because they’ve been threatened with a divorce if she doesn’t lose the weight.

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        • Too bad that the world is full of those (boys/man-boys)! Too many of my friends are finally realizing that about their husbands and things are coming to painful endings for them. I feel bad. I feel guilty (you should hear what a couple have said about my husband…as if they should have ended up with him rather than me. It hurts because they are hurting, I forgive them).

          Good grief…10 pounds?

          We are part of the problem with our behavior. We teach them that it is ok for them to be that way toward us – we reinforce them by accepting their comments. How I ended up with the loving, kind and gentle man that I have is beyond me. I really don’t deserve him (I put him through hell quite often), but he stands by me regardless.

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  11. Well I for one of many am so glad that you both made it through the rain and the storms that must have felt like hell at times. And I know it wasn’t easy, but getting to the good stuff that life has to offer never is. The really great part is that you are both still together and it sounds like stronger than ever. Most couples would have given up. We all see it around us. It’s a very sad thing to watch happen. But for those like you and coach who choose to forge ahead, and take the good with the bad, well the rainbows that you are seeing and feeling now are only the beginning of what’s to come. You do deserve him Elle. And he deserves you. Believe it!

    Marriage in itself isn’t easy. But add D/s into the mix and you have one hell of a hill to climb. You both have taken it to the top level. And I commend you for that. I’m still learning but with you and so many others sharing all the in’s and out’s I do believe I’ve become a better sub.

    You have shown us all that you can have it all. You got rid of a lot of baggage that most seem to carry around their whole lives. That’s in itself isn’t easy to do. Those demons can’t hurt you anymore. You’ve faced the mirror and have found the real you. The loving, beautiful woman whose a wonderful caring mother and wife. Add submissive and Wow! Whoop Whoop!

    Thank you Elle and Coach for sharing your life with all of us. As long as you hold on to each other
    no storm will ever break through the bond of love that surrounds you both. Hugs!!!

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