One year ago, today, we found ourselves faced with a decision. We could fall apart or we could rise up. We could be the people we always wanted to be and live the life we always wanted to live or allow ourselves to fall apart and sink into a deep, dark hole. We owed it to ourselves and to our children to rise up against adversity. We had to set a good example and we had to prove to ourselves that death would not swallow us whole like it had in the past. The preceding month of my father in law’s hospitalization and then his week in hospice actually brought the best out in each of us. We first felt the pull to let circumstances dictate our future, a route so easily taken when life seems out of control, and if we allowed it we would have lost everything.
I knew I had to give Coach my unwavering support because of all the times he needed me to walk perfectly in my submission, this was the time. I then got to see something amazing – I saw the fullness of Coach’s dominance rise up. Coach has always been a dominant man. He is his own person and when he wants something he goes after it. He’s in control of himself, but he’s lighthearted at the same time. He never forces my submission because he wants me to willingly offer it, just like I want him to willingly dominate me. Something in him clicked, like that last puzzle piece being snapped into place.
There was a hold back between us since we first started living our lives as Dom and sub. We’d been feeling each other out for a while and we had some amazing times, but we also hit some road blocks along the way. I often wondered if we could continue, not just as Dom and sub, but as husband and wife. We really were at a make or break point and it was at this critical junction we found out what we were made of and what was really living inside. According to Coach, his worry was that we had lived a certain way for so long that the changes we needed to make to be successful at D/s would be too hard. In all honesty, I needed to do some major changing and unless I could go to that level he wasn’t going to move much past the place we were. I took responsibility for who and what I was. Coach made the changes he needed to make as well, and in our grief, he came to me and told me that we would no longer repeat the mistakes of the past. We started getting really honest with each other in ways that I never thought we could or even should, but when you face yourself head on you have to go there. The deepest of the deep started coming out, a little at first, and then within a short time the floodgates opened and it was a baptism of water and fire. We had a cleansing and a purging, which resulted in a refining.
Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father in law. To say that a lot has changed in the last year is truly an understatement. Instead of fighting death we allowed it to birth a new life.
“To everything – a season, and a time to every delight under the heavens.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 Young’s Literal Translation)
Caught between reality and fantasy
Floating in and out of a dream
A rip tide of desire draws her in
Then a tidal wave crashes her back onto shore
For a brief moment she was free
In the stillness of night
Out of all sight and sound
The ache throbs
Never to be tasted for fear of its poison
Her delights remain a mystery
Given to those who share her fate
The only ones who can consume
My lovely friend, dievca, wrote such beautiful words I just had to share.
You are right
My fantasies can only go so far
because of limited knowledge
I am naïve
You are right
I need to describe
what I want to feel
not what I think we should do
I am right
If you share the wonder
through my eyes
all will be new for You again