Look What’s Happening Between Our Sheets – I Made The List!

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Rori at Between My Sheets puts together a list each year of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers and this year I was chosen! I almost spit my coffee out when I received Rori’s email. This honor was totally unexpected and came as a complete surprise. I am humbled, to say the least. Thank you so very much, Rori, for including me with such a wonderful group of bloggers. Such amazing company to be in! [Note – as of this writing Rori’s blog is inexplicably down]

***Good News! I checked today, 1/3/15, and Rori’s site it back up!***

So what will 2015 bring? Hopefully more adventures and surprises. I’ve been adjusting my focus over here to shine more light on healthy submission – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and Coach has stated that he would like to bring more to the table along the same lines for Dominants. There will still be plenty of kinky fuckery and lots more fun. We want 2015 to be a year of self-improvement, discovery, and pushed limits. We learned some major lessons in 2014 because we endeavored to get out of our comfort zones. Some lessons were learned by having great success and some lessons were learned by crashing and burning. That’s what life is all about. You try things and see what you’re made of. Personally, I learned that I am not afraid to test the waters to find out what I really believe at my core and to find out where my weakness are so I can strengthen them, to prove my strength and get stronger. If you do not have any failures you have not been living. I choose to live with passion.

That being said I feel like I’ve only just begun and that’s a wonderful feeling. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog; it is so very much appreciated.

XOXO

~Elle

Surrender

I found this gem at http://blog.neurosyncofcolorado.com/2014/12/19/surrender/

SURRENDER

Here are some meanings of the word surrender:

To trust in one’s life processes.

To accept life situations as they are without trying to change them.

To be in the present moment.

To accept what is not in your control.

To be willing to be responsible, to accept guidance, teaching, pleasure, and to let go.

To experience the divine.

To release illusions.

To accept the truth.

To let go of fear and tension.

To experience all your feelings.

Each of us needs to surrender in our own unique way. Some of us need to surrender to the experience of life, to let go of the feeling that we don’t have the right to be here or to live fully. Others of us need to surrender to our feelings and experience emotion of every variety. Some of us have cut off from our bodies, treating them as distant tools, and we need to surrender to physical sensations, even those that are unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Some of us refuse support from others, being unwilling to surrender to the feeling of not having control or feeling helpless. Others of us need to let go, feel sexual, experience pleasure and stop fighting against our sexual urges. Some have to give up the illusion of being swallowed and consumed by the other, give up the fantasy of complete freedom, and accept the limitations of real freedom and real relationship.

Many of us need to surrender to love, to expressing it freely and to opening our hearts. We may also need to surrender to heartbreak, to the experience of rejection, to feeling abandoned, to feeling dependent.

Fear of surrender is like fear of falling. There is no visible support. And we fear falling in love, even though we yearn for it. We fear fusion with another, even though we yearn for it as well. We also fear loss of self, death, falling asleep, the unknown, darkness, and involuntary acts.

What are you still holding holding on to?

Set Yourself Up for Success, Part 1

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A new year is upon us and many of you are planning on making a new year’s resolution. Some people make the same resolution every single year, but within one or two weeks the enthusiasm dies and the resolution fizzles out and then gets tucked away in the failure file. Hands down, the number one new year’s resolution is to lose weight (http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/). I know, I’ve been there and I discovered how to change that failure file to a success file. I actually consulted a very expensive and highly sought after expert in this field who has over 30 years of professional experience. Um, yeah…I finally submitted to my Dom, who happens to be my husband, who happens to be a real-deal expert. It was a major act of submission on my part two years ago and was a turning point in our D/s relationship. I had “allowed” him to train me on and off through all these years, but holy crap could I ever fight him on it. Can you believe that? I must have been on crack. This is a man who is 56 and looks 36 (no joke) and has been working out non-stop since he was 13. In other words, when I was still wiping the snot from my nose at 6 he had determined he was going to be the quarterback for his high school football team and worked toward that goal and did it! He learned how to workout and set and accomplish goals through the mentorship of his older brother, who at that time was wrestling for an Ivy League school and was a champion power lifter. So, that being said, I’m here to help you help yourself through some major lessons I learned and that Coach knows because he sees this everyday. He wouldn’t be the successful trainer he is if he didn’t have a proven success rate.

Do you want to really know why you have problems losing weight?

1. You set goals based on emotions and not logic or “The crazy-ass loop of crap lodged in your heart is on auto play all day long and you don’t want to let it go” (Sing that song and I punch you)

2. Your Ego or “You know better and will do it your way because you think you’re Frank fucking Sinatra”  (Tales of The Rat and The Brat Pack)

3. You do not plan, organize, and  prepare properly or “Yes you do and you have 3 junk drawers to prove it, so there!” (Maybe a touch of Martha Stewart wouldn’t hurt, after all)

4. You are an emotional masochist or “You beat yourself up when you fail so no one else has to” (Step away from the flogger. I repeat, step away from the flogger)

#1. Your weight loss goal is emotion based and not logic based. You trick yourself into thinking you’ll capitalize on a renewed desire and enthusiasm and this time you’ll finally do it. You make a grand declaration to yourself and exclaim “I’m going to lose these 20 lbs once and for all” and then vow to never eat anything bad and to exercise every single day. Liar, liar, pants on fire. You know damned well you can’t live like that. There is nothing wrong with enthusiasm, desire, zeal, and excitement, but life will happen to you and can easily dampen the best of intentions. If you only get motivated based on an emotional high you will fail because that’s too much of a roller coaster ride. Your emotions are telling you that it’s possible to lose 20 lbs in one month because you did it once or your neighbor’s co-workers sister’s UPS delivery driver lost 20 lbs by drinking only carrot juice and then getting on an elliptical machine for 90 minutes every frickin day so you’ve decided that you will do the same. Inside, logically, you know it’s ridiculous, but you think it may actually work if you can just keep it up for a month and then once you lose that weight you really won’t go back to how you were before because you’ll be so inspired by the weight loss that you will move forward like a bad-ass. Don’t deny it.

In order to set a goal you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Are you ready for a bitter pill? Say “Aah” because I’m about to cram it down your throat. First, some of you need to stop saying you have to lose about 20 lbs! You probably have to lose a minimum of 40 lbs. I know I hit a nerve, but I’ve been there and I know I’m not the only one. Stay with me on this. It’s hard to admit the truth to yourself, but that’s the only way you can break through. It hurts and it sucks, but it’s reality and you have to deal with it, just know you’re not alone and you can break through and do this.

There is a monologue going on inside you that is caught on a loop in your heart. Yes, your heart, not your head, because this is emotionally charged. Below is an example of what I’m talking about and it is a reality for so many of us. We grab hold of a feeling that struck a chord with us once upon a time and it has been directing our lives for all these years. Hint – as you read, watch for the “20 lbs” that keeps making an appearance and see if you can tell why you keep going back to that number.

This morning you got on your new digital scale (the one that you weighed yourself on at your best friend’s house when you visited her last summer and you were 5 lbs lighter than your stupid scale at home, the one your husband obviously broke because he was using it to weigh care packages for soldiers for the elementary school’s  annual drive) and weighed in at 175 lbs. Your driver’s license says you’re 135 lbs. You were actually 155 lbs when you got that license, but you still had 20 lbs of baby weight, which was supposed to come off when you were nursing, even though you weened your youngest eight years ago when he was 6 months old because that stupid job you had wasn’t making it easy for you to pump at work, and maybe if you were able to nurse for a full year you would have lost the stupid baby weight. Your husband is always telling you your curves are sexy, but you see him looking at thinner women so you don’t really believe him. You actually think you looked your best when you weighed 115 lbs, and even though you tell everyone 135 lbs is your idea weight you secretly wish you weighed 115 lbs so then you could finally have enough guts to wear a bikini like your best friend can, even though your best friend weighs about 150 lbs. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her, but you were always a lot thinner than her growing up. You were 115 lbs your senior year in college and that weight has been stuck in your head for the last 26 years as your ideal weight even though you were only that weight because you had the flu and lost 10 lbs from puking and then another 10 lbs because you got sick again after eating Chinese food that was sitting out all night, which is the main reason why you refuse to go anywhere near pork lo mein (or pork) to this day. Once you recovered from the seemingly non-stop puking for a month (some people rudely thought you were pregnant) you immediately gained those 20 lbs back during finals when you lived on Tastkake and coffee (it’s an east coast thing). Somehow your roommate took an amazing photo of you when you weighed 118 lbs (3 lbs was bloat because you had just gotten your period). Since college you’ve gone up and down 20 lbs and can be anywhere from 125 lbs (the summer you did Atkins and stuck with it, but then it got cold out and the 20 lbs crept back on by Christmas) to 155 lbs. Right now you’d be happy getting back down to 155 lbs. It’s shocking to see 175 lbs on the scale. Once you got into your 40s it wasn’t so easy to drop 10 lbs with a modified version of the Scarsdale diet your mother used to lose 10 lbs quickly. But if you can just lose 20 lbs you’d feel so much better and be the real weight you were when you got that license because when you look at the photos you still looked pretty good. After that it should be easy to get back down to 135 lbs and you’ll be on a roll. What’s another 20 lbs, right? You need to lose 20 lbs.

You are an expert at sales and marketing. You sold yourself an image of yourself that wasn’t a true portrayal of you and have been buying into it for years. You keep looking in your mind’s mirror and seeing your 115 lbs self. I bet you looked really cute in those jeans, but come on, you were what 21? You were barely a woman and women’s bodies change and mature. You are a mature woman now, but you look at yourself through immature eyes, even childish eyes. Your Husband/Dom/Boyfriend/Partner sees the real you and doesn’t buy your bull so why are you spending your emotional currency on it. Those are hard earned dollars that you are wasting. Please understand that I can write this because I used to have a loop in my head and bought into my own advertising campaign. My loop is different than this one, but I’ve spoken with a lot of women over the years and I’ve heard all the stories and Coach has, too. You have to break free from your emotional loop because it’s keeping you from setting and logically working toward your goal. You have to write out your loop (which will sound like a very funny one-woman show) and not mince words with yourself. Spill your shit to yourself. Read what’s really there and see if you have a pattern. I bet my bottom dollar that there is mostly likely a pattern and when you recognize the pattern you can change. Honesty is your first step. Come on, laugh at yourself, own what’s going on, so you can finally move forward.

Read about why we make decisions based on emotions. Here’s a great site. Check it out if only for The Big Bang Theory video: http://joegirard.ca/decisions-based-on-emotions/

P.S. If you have medical issues that are keeping you from losing weight, then you MUST consult an expert. Everyone should consult their doctor before undertaking any diet and/or physical fitness program. Safe, Sane, and Consensual works here, too. Take all reasonable and necessary precautions, use your head, and make sure you have the consent of your Dom or whomever else needs to be your partner in this life change. Yes, you have to change your life…all of it…and not for one month just to lose 20 lbs. Go back and read it again.

To be continued…

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Changes are coming soon and I’m very excited about my ideas; I hope you will be, too. I’m in the mood to change this blog a bit, not all at once, but adding in some features that I feel will have some real impact on the lives of submissives, and hopefully their Doms as well. There will still be some kinky fuckery, some “day in the life,” even perhaps more poems and stories, but I want to talk about the things that I really live and love everyday. Many passions I’ve shared privately with some of my subbie friends and I’ve talked about other ideas in comments on various blogs. I need to have a single place to expound in greater detail and this blog is as good a place as any.

I have a LOT to say on health and beauty, organizing and planning, and faith and spirituality, all from a D/s point of view. I’m drawn to those topics and I’ve spent numerous hours doing research and weeding through the good, the bad, the ugly. I consult experts regularly and spend too much time on PubMed reading medical studies. Yeah, I really do. I want to go in depth on these topics because I see them as tools for making my life little easier, being a better person, and having more time for those that I love and the things in life that make me truly happy and fulfilled. I’m guessing we all have the same goal.

Many of you are married or are in long-term relationships or are headed that way because it’s your desire. Many of you have children or want them or even have furry babies that take up so much of your time. Many of you work outside the home, whether full time, part time, volunteer, or shuttle around a car or minivan full of kids from here to there and spend a good six hours a day in your vehicle (me!!!!). There are Doms who read my blog who are looking for ideas that will work for them and their submissives. I think the sum total is that we all want life answers that work and are efficient and practical. Trust me, I’m not talking Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray here (God forbid). We want the kinds of ideas that are do-able, reasonable, and give us the most bang for our buck. I LOATHE wasting money and time and I weigh out options very carefully before I spend a dime. Yes, I subscribe to periodicals and websites such as Consumer Reports and Consumer Labs because I want to make an informed decision.

Above all else, I want to do this with some humor and not take it all so seriously because a joyful heart is like medicine. Let me know if you have some topic ideas and if you have a better way of doing something I’m all for it. We don’t want to reinvent the wheel, we just want the best wheel for who we are and our unique lives.

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Paying The P.R.I.C.E.

Steps Towards Healing From Emotional Injury

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We all experience emotional pain and trauma at one time or another. We get beat up by life simply by being a living, breathing entity on this earth. We also get emotionally wounded by family, friends, associations, or even total strangers. It doesn’t really matter who’s dishing it out because one word can stick with you and even send you over the edge of the cliff without you realizing. Even a stranger’s word can be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Poor camel, poor you. We carry a lot of burdens on our backs and shoulders and many are completely unnecessary. We really don’t have to be all things to all people, we just have to be true to ourselves. I choose to make a daily affirmation of submitting my power over to my God, and second, my Dom. I am not in charge of the universe, therefore, I choose to submit to the Power that is in charge of the universe and hand over my very life. My Dom is in charge of my daily guidance and how I walk out my life and he has the final word on how we live day to day.

Coach and I have had several talks recently about how I process emotional pain and how it can be managed before it escalates into a meltdown or even a fit of anger. I’m like a pressure cooker; everything goes into the pot, the lid is sealed tightly, and it all heats up and stews. My thoughts and feelings seem neatly contained in my pot and no one, including me, is aware that the pressure has become too much for me to handle. On the outside I am calm, but at some point I am not capable of keeping it in any longer and I blow my top. I can either have a panicky meltdown, get very angry, or put up walls and get self-protective.

Coach and I talked about how we can better manage my emotions and catch and deal with my escalation before I ever get to that point of no return. We both agree that letting me go from A to V without intervention is asking for trouble because if I’m at V then I’m already in the home stretch to Z and some serious momentum has been built up. We realize that I need to be reeled in at  D, and at the very latest P, if intervention is going to have an affect. A Dom needs to recognize the warning signs that lead up to a sub’s emotional unraveling. If you’ve been with someone long enough you should know their signs and be able to intervene before some damage is done. If you’ve lived long enough you should  also be able to recognize your own signs and be able to be proactive and ask for help. It takes intentional habitual practice to recognize early warning signs of the emotional unravel. You have to invest in yourself and your Dom has to be fully invested in you in order to effectively help. I found some great resources that can help with recognizing and managing your emotional triggers:

Outsmart Your Brain – Mind Growing Programs for Leaders

Unraveling Emotional Triggers

There are also a few things that can be done to help when emotions are triggered and is especially important to apply if you do go over the edge and it’s called P.R.I.C.E.

Some of you have been taught R.I.C.E. as the acronym used for treating a physical injury, such as a twisted ankle or a sprained shoulder. The P has been added by experts not too long ago and is a very necessary component. So what does P.R.I.C.E. for:

P – Protection
R – Rest
I – Ice
C – Compression
E – Elevation

The same way you use these procedures to treat a physical injury can be used to treat an emotional injury.

P – Protection – The first principle is protection. The purpose of protection is to avoid further injury to the area by protecting the injured structures. The type of protection used varies depending on the injured area but may include an ace bandage, aluminum splint, sling, protective tape, or over-the-counter brace.

The same principle applies to an emotional injury. The best example I can give is a recent situation where Coach became my temporary crutch. I needed to lean on him because I was just too weak to stand on my own. Your sub will need your hand, your shoulder, and your arms to help her stand. Let her lean on you.

R – Rest – The purpose of resting is to allow the body’s own healing processes to naturally occur without being impeded by movement of the injured area.

It wouldn’t have helped me to just not blog for a day, but recently, Coach imposed a three week blogging break on me so I could remove myself and gain some perspective. My focus was wrong and I needed to rest and process. During those three weeks I did take the time to physically rest as well. Emotions are taxing on the body and you may need extra sleep and to not be as busy so you can build up your strength.

I – Ice – Icing is most effective in the immediate period following an injury. The effect of icing diminishes significantly after about 48 hours.

Ice for emotional injury is just as important and should be applied immediately. In this case, a cooling off period needs to occur. How to you bring down a heated emotional situation? Stay cool and calm. Your sub needs you to keep your cool so she can reduce that immediate emotional inflammation.

C – Compression – When the ice pack is removed, a compression wrap should be applied to the injured area. The compression wrap serves as a mechanical barrier so that swelling is minimized in the injured area. There are a number of compression wraps available on the market, but the most commonly used is an elastic or ace bandage.

I think most of us in the BDSM world can understand that having those bindings on (rope, leather straps, silk ribbon) can have a very calming effect on a sub, but even just lots and lots of hugging and touching works like a compression wrap and can reduce further emotional swelling.

E – Elevate – Elevating your injured foot or ankle above the level of your heart reduces the pull of gravity. Your heart doesn’t have to work as hard, and blood is less likely to pool in your lower limbs and make them swell. Reducing the pressure of the extra fluid can alleviate pain as well.

How do you elevate your injured sub? With lots and lots of words of comfort and letting her know how wonderful and special she is. Let her see clearly in your eyes her good qualities. More than likely she feels lower than low and she needs you to reinforce her worth. Elevate her heart so she can soar again.

So Good. So Rare.

“I’m coming home at noon. I have a big break during the day and I don’t have to be back at work until five.”

“Really? What are we going to do with all that time?”

Long pause

“Just be ready.”

“Hey, kids, Daddy has a big break this afternoon and he and I have some work to do. He’s going to eat lunch as soon as he gets in the door and then he and I are going to go up into our room and work. We do not want to be disturbed. You guys can watch any movie you want.”

An hour later

“How’s my girl?”

Long, deep, passionate kiss

“I’m good, Sir. I’m so excited you’re here right now.”

“Let’s see how excited you are. Take your clothes off and kneel on the bed.”

“Good girl. Now get on all fours. I want to inspect you.”

Pinch. Smack, smack, smack, smack. Pinch, pinch, pinch, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, bite, bite, bite, smack, smack, really hard bite.

“Scoot back to the edge, ass in the air, and rest your face on the bed. You’re not allowed to move.”

Mmmmmm

“That’s a beautiful site and it’s all mine.”

Yes, all yours, always