Set Yourself Up for Success, Part 1


A new year is upon us and many of you are planning on making a new year’s resolution. Some people make the same resolution every single year, but within one or two weeks the enthusiasm dies and the resolution fizzles out and then gets tucked away in the failure file. Hands down, the number one new year’s resolution is to lose weight ( I know, I’ve been there and I discovered how to change that failure file to a success file. I actually consulted a very expensive and highly sought after expert in this field who has over 30 years of professional experience. Um, yeah…I finally submitted to my Dom, who happens to be my husband, who happens to be a real-deal expert. It was a major act of submission on my part two years ago and was a turning point in our D/s relationship. I had “allowed” him to train me on and off through all these years, but holy crap could I ever fight him on it. Can you believe that? I must have been on crack. This is a man who is 56 and looks 36 (no joke) and has been working out non-stop since he was 13. In other words, when I was still wiping the snot from my nose at 6 he had determined he was going to be the quarterback for his high school football team and worked toward that goal and did it! He learned how to workout and set and accomplish goals through the mentorship of his older brother, who at that time was wrestling for an Ivy League school and was a champion power lifter. So, that being said, I’m here to help you help yourself through some major lessons I learned and that Coach knows because he sees this everyday. He wouldn’t be the successful trainer he is if he didn’t have a proven success rate.

Do you want to really know why you have problems losing weight?

1. You set goals based on emotions and not logic or “The crazy-ass loop of crap lodged in your heart is on auto play all day long and you don’t want to let it go” (Sing that song and I punch you)

2. Your Ego or “You know better and will do it your way because you think you’re Frank fucking Sinatra”  (Tales of The Rat and The Brat Pack)

3. You do not plan, organize, and  prepare properly or “Yes you do and you have 3 junk drawers to prove it, so there!” (Maybe a touch of Martha Stewart wouldn’t hurt, after all)

4. You are an emotional masochist or “You beat yourself up when you fail so no one else has to” (Step away from the flogger. I repeat, step away from the flogger)

#1. Your weight loss goal is emotion based and not logic based. You trick yourself into thinking you’ll capitalize on a renewed desire and enthusiasm and this time you’ll finally do it. You make a grand declaration to yourself and exclaim “I’m going to lose these 20 lbs once and for all” and then vow to never eat anything bad and to exercise every single day. Liar, liar, pants on fire. You know damned well you can’t live like that. There is nothing wrong with enthusiasm, desire, zeal, and excitement, but life will happen to you and can easily dampen the best of intentions. If you only get motivated based on an emotional high you will fail because that’s too much of a roller coaster ride. Your emotions are telling you that it’s possible to lose 20 lbs in one month because you did it once or your neighbor’s co-workers sister’s UPS delivery driver lost 20 lbs by drinking only carrot juice and then getting on an elliptical machine for 90 minutes every frickin day so you’ve decided that you will do the same. Inside, logically, you know it’s ridiculous, but you think it may actually work if you can just keep it up for a month and then once you lose that weight you really won’t go back to how you were before because you’ll be so inspired by the weight loss that you will move forward like a bad-ass. Don’t deny it.

In order to set a goal you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Are you ready for a bitter pill? Say “Aah” because I’m about to cram it down your throat. First, some of you need to stop saying you have to lose about 20 lbs! You probably have to lose a minimum of 40 lbs. I know I hit a nerve, but I’ve been there and I know I’m not the only one. Stay with me on this. It’s hard to admit the truth to yourself, but that’s the only way you can break through. It hurts and it sucks, but it’s reality and you have to deal with it, just know you’re not alone and you can break through and do this.

There is a monologue going on inside you that is caught on a loop in your heart. Yes, your heart, not your head, because this is emotionally charged. Below is an example of what I’m talking about and it is a reality for so many of us. We grab hold of a feeling that struck a chord with us once upon a time and it has been directing our lives for all these years. Hint – as you read, watch for the “20 lbs” that keeps making an appearance and see if you can tell why you keep going back to that number.

This morning you got on your new digital scale (the one that you weighed yourself on at your best friend’s house when you visited her last summer and you were 5 lbs lighter than your stupid scale at home, the one your husband obviously broke because he was using it to weigh care packages for soldiers for the elementary school’s  annual drive) and weighed in at 175 lbs. Your driver’s license says you’re 135 lbs. You were actually 155 lbs when you got that license, but you still had 20 lbs of baby weight, which was supposed to come off when you were nursing, even though you weened your youngest eight years ago when he was 6 months old because that stupid job you had wasn’t making it easy for you to pump at work, and maybe if you were able to nurse for a full year you would have lost the stupid baby weight. Your husband is always telling you your curves are sexy, but you see him looking at thinner women so you don’t really believe him. You actually think you looked your best when you weighed 115 lbs, and even though you tell everyone 135 lbs is your idea weight you secretly wish you weighed 115 lbs so then you could finally have enough guts to wear a bikini like your best friend can, even though your best friend weighs about 150 lbs. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her, but you were always a lot thinner than her growing up. You were 115 lbs your senior year in college and that weight has been stuck in your head for the last 26 years as your ideal weight even though you were only that weight because you had the flu and lost 10 lbs from puking and then another 10 lbs because you got sick again after eating Chinese food that was sitting out all night, which is the main reason why you refuse to go anywhere near pork lo mein (or pork) to this day. Once you recovered from the seemingly non-stop puking for a month (some people rudely thought you were pregnant) you immediately gained those 20 lbs back during finals when you lived on Tastkake and coffee (it’s an east coast thing). Somehow your roommate took an amazing photo of you when you weighed 118 lbs (3 lbs was bloat because you had just gotten your period). Since college you’ve gone up and down 20 lbs and can be anywhere from 125 lbs (the summer you did Atkins and stuck with it, but then it got cold out and the 20 lbs crept back on by Christmas) to 155 lbs. Right now you’d be happy getting back down to 155 lbs. It’s shocking to see 175 lbs on the scale. Once you got into your 40s it wasn’t so easy to drop 10 lbs with a modified version of the Scarsdale diet your mother used to lose 10 lbs quickly. But if you can just lose 20 lbs you’d feel so much better and be the real weight you were when you got that license because when you look at the photos you still looked pretty good. After that it should be easy to get back down to 135 lbs and you’ll be on a roll. What’s another 20 lbs, right? You need to lose 20 lbs.

You are an expert at sales and marketing. You sold yourself an image of yourself that wasn’t a true portrayal of you and have been buying into it for years. You keep looking in your mind’s mirror and seeing your 115 lbs self. I bet you looked really cute in those jeans, but come on, you were what 21? You were barely a woman and women’s bodies change and mature. You are a mature woman now, but you look at yourself through immature eyes, even childish eyes. Your Husband/Dom/Boyfriend/Partner sees the real you and doesn’t buy your bull so why are you spending your emotional currency on it. Those are hard earned dollars that you are wasting. Please understand that I can write this because I used to have a loop in my head and bought into my own advertising campaign. My loop is different than this one, but I’ve spoken with a lot of women over the years and I’ve heard all the stories and Coach has, too. You have to break free from your emotional loop because it’s keeping you from setting and logically working toward your goal. You have to write out your loop (which will sound like a very funny one-woman show) and not mince words with yourself. Spill your shit to yourself. Read what’s really there and see if you have a pattern. I bet my bottom dollar that there is mostly likely a pattern and when you recognize the pattern you can change. Honesty is your first step. Come on, laugh at yourself, own what’s going on, so you can finally move forward.

Read about why we make decisions based on emotions. Here’s a great site. Check it out if only for The Big Bang Theory video:

P.S. If you have medical issues that are keeping you from losing weight, then you MUST consult an expert. Everyone should consult their doctor before undertaking any diet and/or physical fitness program. Safe, Sane, and Consensual works here, too. Take all reasonable and necessary precautions, use your head, and make sure you have the consent of your Dom or whomever else needs to be your partner in this life change. Yes, you have to change your life…all of it…and not for one month just to lose 20 lbs. Go back and read it again.

To be continued…

11 thoughts on “Set Yourself Up for Success, Part 1

  1. Good heavens, have I lived this (save for the D/s). For years, I surrendered before I even started to be serious. I’ve even joined gyms wasting thousands of dollars having never stepped foot inside after the first day. I peaked in weight somewhere north of 380 pounds. Today, I am below 170 (barely) heading for 160. I am thin, highly athletic and at my healthiest ever in my life. I played HS football, swam on the HS and local swim club. I trained under coaches who had two Olympic gold medalist swimmers to their credit. I played organized football while on active duty (and not deployed). I competed in triathlons all before I was 27. I just turned 49 and have been 175-180 for the last 4+ years and I didn’t follow anything complicated, no medical procedures, no medication, no hypnosis. Just a desire to change my life. No weight loss goals. Just exercise and eating healthy.

    You read this correctly. I lost 200 pounds and counting. I am an avid cyclist working towards a sponsored seniors category racing gig.


    • First, congratulations on the weight loss. That’s an amazing accomishment. Tell me, did you finally have that real deal conversation with yourself? We have to begin with admitting what’s really going on in our hearts.

      Hope your sponsorship comes together. We are working on a corporate sponsorship as well. We have a couple of local sponsors and it’s getting exciting.

      Liked by 1 person

        • I read through your two posts and you did the first step I described, but in your own way. You got completely and totally honest with yourself. You started therapy, which made you get real. Your situation is different, and if you don’t mind my saying, an extreme case. You have a medical condition that absolutely needs treatment and I know that as you sought treatment solutions you were able to focus on your physical health and work through your chalkenges. You also set up accountability (your Dom so to speak).

          I want the average woman to know that it does not take the type of training you do to lose weight, but my hat’s off to you for your hard work and dedication. As a matter of fact, I’m going to reveal the science to show the opposite. A 45 year old woman who is sitting on the verge of perimenopause, who has had a few kids and pees a little when she sneezes or coughs, who has gone up and down the scale for over 20 years, who has lost strength and muscle tone, who has fluctuating hormones and runs herself ragged every day with work, family, home, and school needs a different course of action. Men’s bodies are different and 99% of women (even men for the matter) wiil not train like an elite athlete. I have been around elite athletes my entire life, starting with my dad who played professional baseball to my uncle who was an Olympic boxer, to my husband and his family and all the college, Olympic, and pro athletes I have the fortunate opportunity it to be around on a regular basis. It’s a different mindset to be at that level. As a matter of fact, that was part of my mental block for years. In my head you trained for an event, you just didn’t “workout.” I had to change my focus so I could get my health back. I have spent the last two years working toward my new goal of health, wellness, and lifelong fitness.

          You never know, I may compete again next summer. The 100 meters is calling to me again and I’d like to do it before I turn 50 in September.

          Liked by 1 person

          • You and Savannah are a day apart in age. Her story is more in line with your target audience. She and I both started making changes independent of each other yet we were in sync. We no longer nagged (she was incessant in trying to affect change in me to save my life) and it all came together. Instead of pushing, we set examples for each other. We went out of the way in removing temptation and distraction.

            I hope that she chimes in on her story and will participate on your blog. She is a great example of a success story for you to draw upon. She lost 48 pounds after having our children. She has the urinary challenges that you mentioned. She has a full life schedule and forces herself to make time to exercise. She has goals for specific events (triathlons, duathlons, halfs and other runs).

            This is such an awesome effort, Elle. If I can help in any way, I am happy to do so.


  2. Great post! Yes, very identifiable. Can’t wait to read more. I’m a case study of having lost my 75 lbs. 2.5 years ago, and then gradually putting that “20” back on little by little. You know the rest of my story this year… it’s been tough to push myself without fear of injury or set backs; I’ve had some recovery frustrations and plateaus, and that leads to emotional (bad) eating. It’s been hard to sustain a clean diet. My last bloodwork showed higher than the GP wanted on my Thyroid (not to mention other things like cholesterol and sugars) so she’s got me started on some meds to see if that can help this struggle with plateaus I have (I know this isn’t a magic bullet). Last night I put on a pair of dress slacks I’d bought when I was at my minus 75 weight, and felt the pinch. I so want to go back there… and yes you are right, -40 (from where I am now) is probably the more realistic number for me. It’s just hard to get one’s head around that.

    Can’t wait to read more!


    • Any problems with thyroid will show in your cholesterol. When my thyroid was out of whack my cholesterol shot up to 235, but my endo knew and didn’t want me on cholesterol meds. Once I got my thyroid back on track my cholesterol went down quickly to 165. My GP almost didn’t believe I did it without meds, other than synthroid. Did you go to an endo? I would if I were you. Don’t let a GP treat it.


      • I probably should get into an Endo… I do love my GP and she seems up on this stuff, being a woman who has dealt with menopause (and breast cancer, and reconstruction). She started me on a low dose of synthroid (because of my past arrhythmia issue). But that is so wild about your Cholesterol number, and I’m glad you said that– mine was 233 this time; but with HDL and Triglycerides well below range. I know my LDL was elevated because I’d been without working out for 2 weeks prior with my injury; and had also been stupid to eat badly the day before the blood work.

        Here’s the hard thing: our family tradition is making Christmas cookies at this time. I almost canceled this year because I just didn’t want them around… and everyone made me feel like a Scrooge. I cut way back on how much we baked this year, but now that temptation is THERE. Ugh.


        • Oh, man, that guilt will get you every time. Check with an Endo, really. You’ll get through this and here on this blog I’ll share everything I know and point people to experts and solutions. Don’t feel bad about the cookies.


  3. Great post! I have been on this journey of weight loss for the last several years and was successful in maintaining my weight for almost 2 yrs….until stress, my fathers death, etc. got in the way. I started down the path of re-evaluating my strategy in late Dec.. My diet isn’t really the issue it’s getting in a exercise routine….its amazing how fast you lose muscle but it takes forever to regain!


    • Muscle is so important. Women are afraid to lift heavy weight and hands down, the nu.ber one reason women give is that they don’t want to get bulky. There’s no way a woman will unless she trains as much as a body builder (4-5 hrs a day in the gym) and takes steroids. I’ve been putting on muscle. You probably need to increase your protein. Isopure is an excellent protein for shakez if you can’t eat all your protein.


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