My stats have been very interesting lately. I’ve been getting over 1000 views per day for the last couple of weeks, but I haven’t been posting much. I can’t help but wonder if the increase in views is due to the release of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. I believe it is.
I think that maybe my blog is appealing to many women (and some men) who’ve read the books and are excited about the movie. They’re curious about this lifestyle and my blog seems like a safe place to get some information. If that’s you, welcome! I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough to peruse my writing and hopefully you’ve gotten some valuable insight. I am more than willing to answer any questions I can so I welcome your feedback. I am not an expert, but I have a penchant for research and the ability to weed through the crap that is out there. I’ve also made some wonderful friends along the way and I thoroughly enjoy the network of lifestylers with whom I exchange ideas, thoughts, concerns, and views. We also have plenty of laughs and shared tears. It’s a wonderful support group and I learn so much from them everyday.
I have a local vanilla friend who was(is) a huge Twilight fan and she dared me to read the books. I was directing an improv theater group with an age range of performers from 18-30 and they had all read Twilight. Their jokes went over my head. I read the books and watched the movies as a result. They were an easy distraction from the exhaustion of my autoimmune disease, which was not under control at that time. I was always a very serious reader so this was actually welcome brain candy, and they satisfied the “baby [big] girl/little” in me (just a small facet of my submissive personality – a recent discovery that my friends, Angel and Kayla, have helped me with). Next thing you know, my vanilla friend emailed me the Twilight fanfic – Master of the Universe – the Twific written by E.L. James under the name Snowqueens Icedragon. I laughed and laughed as I read it, but I will admit that it stirred in me a long suppressed desire, which had been trying to flush up for a few years. When the FSOG books came out I read them as well. I had already been [secretly] doing my research into the lifestyle. I needed to reconcile my past with what I had already been feeling since as far back as I could remember.
I was in theater school in NYC in my late teens/early 20s and exposure to alternate lifestyles was common. I knew people from all walks of life. I observed and asked questions. I was curious and had many fantasies. There was a desire in me to be submissive, but I had no idea how to go about it. At 19 I married a man who was kinky and dabbled in BDSM. He was my first real exposure to the lifestyle. This man was heavily into pornography, and not just your regular porn available at a video rental store, but he had access to underground porn. It was obvious that he was grooming me. I submitted to him as a natural part of who I was, but there was never any kind of real protocol between us and I wasn’t even aware that there was a protocol. He wasn’t a sadist, but he was into humiliation and that made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to speak up about it as he made it all part of our sex life. My need to submit overrode my ability to speak up until one night it all came crashing down and it was the beginning of the end. A bad fisting incident, which opened the door to all kinds of marital problems, began four months of separating. Upon reflection I can see that the fisting incident was the catalyst for my submission getting pushed back into the recesses of my mind and heart. I didn’t immediately share the incident with Coach when we met, but once I did during our engagement he never wanted to be compared to my ex and I can totally understand why he felt that way. It held him back. I held myself back. It hurt us and we didn’t know how to fully express ourselves.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because I take my submission and my D/s relationship with my husband seriously and the people I know involved in the lifestyle take theirs seriously as well. We have gone through so many growing pains and have had to peel back layers and layers of learned behavior and error. We’ve uncovered insecurities as well as strengths and have found our footing over time. We grow everyday because we put in the work everyday. I submitted to Coach for close to a year and didn’t ask him to be my Dominant. I simply had the need to submit (you can read about it here). Please understand that the foundation of Dominance and submission doesn’t have to be sexual. D/s is an intimacy between two people who have the need to exist in their roles fully and completely with another person, which may or may not include any form of sexual contact. D/s relationships do not have to include S&M either, but can easily factor in. Each couple is unique in how they interact with one another. Unfortunately, you can go online and think you HAVE to do this or that because there are many out there that think they have arrived and have some kind of perfect formula or their way is the right way to do it and everyone else is wrong. There is no right or wrong dynamic as long as both people involved are fully aware of the risks and have given their free-will consent to any and all activities, which is the first step in establishing proper protocol in any D/s relationship. The pillars of a D/s relationship are trust and communication because it exposes and reveals.
It’s very important to know that you cannot make someone something they are not already. Yes, your husband/wife may show Dominant or submissive tendencies, but it doesn’t mean they are one. He or she may just want to be service Top or bottom and all activities are confined to the bedroom or playroom and outside of that environment you live your lives they way you normally do. That arrangement is perfectly acceptable if it works for you, but to engage in a D/s or M/s dynamic 24/7 is something else entirely and FSOG is a piss-poor example of what that entails.
The FSOG books are not about a D/s relationship or BDSM. FSOG is a sexed-up, kinky romance novel using D/s and BDSM as a means of satisfying the author’s curiosity in the lifestyle and to envision herself being tied down and spanked by Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen/Christian Grey. There’s nothing wrong that and I personally think Rob is hot and if there was ever a time that Rob Pattinson could be a Top for me in a situation that Coach controlled I would totally go for it.
So people, as you go see FSOG this weekend please take it all with a grain of salt. Don’t go running off seeking a Dominant or a submissive with a BDSM contract you downloaded in your hand. Please respect the people in this lifestyle and the hard choices that are made everyday to live the life we desire with integrity and dignity. Please don’t try to make your husband/fiance/girlfriend/whatever your Dominant or submissive because I’ve seen first hand how that can backfire on you. Relationships really can break up from this or suffer terribly. This is not a game. If you really feel like you are called to be a Dominant or submissive then read some good books on the subject and do your research. Live as a Dominant or submissive for a while (without a partner or requesting anything of your current partner) to make sure you are who you say you are. Resist the urge to get caught up in Dom or sub frenzy. And would-be Doms, please don’t you dare go around demanding that people call you Sir or Master because you’ve got a ways to go before you’re entitled to hear those titles. Your money, career, stature, physical ability, intelligence, lineage, or background do not make you a Dom or Master and there is a difference between being Domineering (Hello, Christian Grey?) and being a Dominant. Now, if you and your partner want to engage in some kinky exploration to spice up your sex life, go for it! Just make sure you follow some simple safety guidelines, which you can find here.
Well, that’s my 2 cents. Enjoy my blog, enjoy the movie, and enjoy each other. Below are some links to get you started down the right path to understanding this lifestyle in a more informed way than a fanfic trilogy ever could.
Domination and submission Radio with Michael Makai
The Submission of Elle 
Hah, I was wondering why my numbers were up, too?!?!? I didn’t think about the 50 Shades gig. Good point. From what I understand of the books (didn’t read) – they are not really BDSM accurate and misleading. You are very generous with offering to help/chat/ learn/ connect with people. Kudos. Just generous Elle. XO
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It dawned on me today, too. No, they were not accurate. I think I am fortunate to have read through all of that and was able to take it at face value. I don’t mind helping. I’ve been helped so I’ll just pay it forward.
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Very well thought out and eloquently written. I know as I started to explore my feelings and roll in our D/s life, I really appreciated people like you who didn’t judge and didn’t preach, just informed and encouraged. I know that Sir and I are a constant and ever-changing work in progress and I want to thank you for providing me with additional avenues and information. Best to you both.
Miss Amelia
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Thank you so much, Miss Amelia. I appreciate people like you who give me the opportunity to share what I’ve learned along the way. Works in progress are my favorite! My best to you and your Sir as well.
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Your blog is an excellent resource too. Xo! Terrific post with excellent direction!
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Thanks, Angel. Sadly, there are people out there who think that they can have their own Christian Grey (or worse, turn their husbands into him) and don’t see the lifestyle in its totality. They think of it as a “Fifty Shades of Grey” lifestyle, which is all an illusion because it wasn’t written from any kind of reality.
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I haven’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, but I’ve been reading responses such as yours that tell people not to take the books as the end-all-be-all for the lifestyle. I think you’re doing a great thing by encouraging people to do more research beyond those books.
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Thank you. I don’t want to dissuade anyone from their interest in th LS, but i stead give them solid resources so they can make an informed choice. I know there’s a lot of FSOG bashing going on, but that’s not productive.
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Very well said!
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Thanks, Kayla. Such a compliment from you!
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Awww, you’re welcome.
I’m glad to see the people I respect and call friends being more circumspect about the whole 50 Shades thing than many authors and other bloggers in the world (lifestyle or not).
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Education, education, education!
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You have written a wonderful post here Elle! I hope anyone searching BDSM on the Internet sees this post! Well done friend!
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Aw, thanks, Mynx. Check out the link I just added to an article I read this morning. Get this, Coach wants to go see the mivie! He didn’mt read the books, but he hears so much about it everyday at work that he wants to see what all the hype is about and make his own judgment. He is always surprising me.
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Brava, Elle. So many good points! This is a great time to offer measured advice and referrals to sources of information. “We have gone through so many growing pains and have had to peel back layers and layers of learned behavior and error. We’ve uncovered insecurities as well as strengths and have found our footing over time. We grow everyday because we put in the work everyday.” This is the bedrock of any of our D/s relationships worth their salt! Sorry, BDSM or D/s in a can does not exist!
Sadly FSOG can be a double-edged sword that cuts both ways. It has served to entertain (loved your term “Brain candy”, so apt), inform. and open dialogues; but it also can serve to misrepresent the lifestyle. I think we all owe it to the world to tell our stories with honesty and integrity, rather than vilifying a book of pure (entertaining or innerving?) fiction. How many of us grew up with the cheesy “bodice ripping/throbbing member” Romance fiction of the 80s, or even Lady Chatterly’s Lover, for that matter? As “empty” as it seems to some, it did serve to embolden and inform a generation of repressed women (and men) and encouraged them to seek out their sensual truths.
Thanks for your posts, your penchant for research, and the good links!
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WP ate my reply grrrrrr!!!! I don’t mind if FSOG woke up a sleeping giant in many people. We’ve been conditioned to sexually repress so it doesn’t surprise me that something like this would be a catalyst. I added an article that I read this morning on that very subject. Thank you so much for your kind words. I see that you did a post on the book, too, so when I get home later I will make my way over to your blog.
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Oh, please spell correct to Stupid WP!
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OK, I’m pissed now. WP hates me. instead of … Bleh!
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enervating instead of innerving… (I can’t put those little marks that confuse HTML it appears!)
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Great post and great advice, Elle. There’s so much FSoG stuff out there; it’s good to see you providing a little pool of good sense based on real experience.
Ash
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Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone I’m sensible. It was always such a contrast to my crazy, theatrical, bohemian side. Does that mean I swing both ways?
There have been some articles that have done a decent job of reporting on the lifestyle, but more often than not they depict a more sensationalistic view or get is wrong altogether. Then you have magazines like Cosmo and Self putting their spin on it all and using it as a means for better sex. More in the lifestyle need to write and not book bash. This is an opportunity it to educate the public.
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Great post Elle!
If there’s anyone’s blog that people should read – it’s yours – a very candid & honest collection of writings of your journey with Coach!
Best to you both!!
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What a sweet thing to say! Thank you. Your blog is a wonderful resource. We need more Doms like you out there sharing their real life experiences so people can see how to have a stable and enriching D/s relationship.
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I’m not seeing the same surge in numbers, but I made it a little harder for people to find me via searches.
I’ve become indifferent to the movie at this point. I was already thinking about the lifestyle when the books hit. My explorations don’t look like that because I’m single. You have to be smart doing this because as a single woman there is a lot of risk. It’s a jungle out there and trying to navigate the BDSM world can be harder than regular dating at times.
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Let’s face it, some men read the books, but not as many as women. These men, however, will go see a movie, especially if there’s nudity. Then the trolling will begin.
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Pingback: Fifty Shades, BDSM, Dominance and submission: Fiction and Reality | Desiring Discipline
Elle. It is good that you share so very much about yourself, including the ups, downs, joys and doubts. People are going to need to read the words of others, to make sense of what is real and what is a total fantasy.
I tried to read the first book but I gave up, as it was not written to my standards. I never though that it would be a masterpiece but I wasn’t expecting it to be so…ummm. (clearing throat.)
Hopefully, as the sage continues (the new book form his perspective is out for sale), the curious will take the time to educate themselves.
It is not about a playbook to follow but using one’s brain and working with gut feelings to ascertain what feels can be right.
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Thank you for appreciating what I’ve written on my blog. The books gave people license to open up about their D/s, BDSM, and S&M fantasies, which are far more common than most realize. Many people wouldn’t dare explore that world because it looks like it’s all leather and bikers and goth and dog collars. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of that in internet searches. The books let people know that there are other types of people involved in the lifestyle. No, not billionaires (romance novel template), but people they feel they could relate to on some level and that’s what clicked with the public. The books took some of the porn industry seediness out of it. You’re right, the books are not a how-to, rather they’re an “I can?”
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It is my hope that people will get past the seediness (not unless that is a turn-on for them) and realize it is one of the many ways regular people express themselves.
(The whole billionaire template is one that needs a refresh–maybe turn the guy into a kind-hearted trillionaire, perhaps?) perhaps? )
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The misunderstood, lonely, well-hung, sexpert, Dominant billionaire is a lucrative format that won’t soon change. Neither will the seedy image the porn industry portrays. We just do our best to speak and live the truth.
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Elle, I hope that Mr Billionaire at least morphs into a fallen angel or a traveler from an ancient collapsing galaxy, as there is no variance in that format now; it is all interchangeable. What fun is that, to read the same story but with different character names?
As for the porn images, since they exist to shock, excite and/or titillate, they will probably get worse. And sadly, their worse will not be much good.
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Any change in format would be welcome. You’ve got good ideas, Liras. You need to start writing.
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Thanks, Elle. The problem with taking the current stock character and making him a lost horny soul from a collapsing star is that if it gets noticed, that will be the new stock character. I think it unkind to inflict that on anyone. We already have a phenomenon of raunchy millionaire dinosaur bosses in the workplace. Yikes!
On a serious note, my style of writing is not hot or salacious enough. The competition, to use the pun, is very very stiff. *wink*
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Just look at what happened to the vampire and wolf genres! Oy vay!
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Do we have sexy handsome tortured soul well-hung billionaire master dominant vampire-wolf hybrids yet?
(Have I asked a question which might be answered with a dodgy series of e-books? )
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I bet if you dig through Amazon you’d find it’s already been written.
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Oh dear! I…just…can’t! *running away, shrieking*
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FYI…there’s tentacle and dinosaur erotica. I kid you not. A little somethin somethin for everyone.
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I am clear on the tentacles and on the dinos. I am not sure if I can handle the combo, however.
I lot that is a lot of somethin’–have you seen how big the tentacles can get? Esp the monsters of the deep variety!!
Have they abandoned the angelic demon with the mighty meat sword genre yet? Aww man! I was partial to that one! 🙂
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