Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman,

We need to talk; girl to girl, wife to wife, sub to sub. I have so much I need to tell you and you’ve been on my mind for a while. You deserve to hear the unadulterated truth about this new world you’ve chosen to pursue. It’s not as easy as being handed a key by your husband and unlocking a jewelry box filled with priceless gems. The overwhelming majority of you will have to carefully and strategically ease open this particular oyster that both you and your husband dug for together in order to acquire the precious pearl and you’ll have to use specific tools and techniques. Some of you may even open your own personal Pandora’s Box. Epimetheus insisted that his wife, Pandora, obey the letter of the label. Epimetheus left for a few hours, but Pandora’s gift of curiosity took over. The box was entrusted to them by Zeus, but she felt Zeus was wrong to tell them not to open it. As the story goes, Pandora disobeyed and opened the box unleashing all the evils of the world, but the very last thing to come out of the box was hope. I need you to remember that because hope is a powerful force and it will help guide you home should you lose your way.

Why am I the one writing you this letter? Well, why the hell not? I see a need and I wish a letter like this was available for me when I first started exploring because it would have saved me a lot of frustration, heartache, and tears. I hope you find the information I share with you here to be valuable and that you seriously take into consideration the knowledge and wisdom I gained through the trial and error lessons I learned painstakingly over the last three years. If I could have avoided that kind of schooling I would have jumped at the chance because I would have had more peace on this journey.

I know that you’re crazy excited right now and it feels like a whole new world of possibilities are before you. You want to grab it all and have it all right this very minute. You have a feeling of freedom because you’ve finally owned up to who you are, but it’s mixed with trepidation due to so much mind boggling information out there and you just can’t afford to mess this up with your husband. Whether you’ve always known you’re submissive and hid it, or your submission was dormant and has just been awakened, you want to be your 100% sexy-ass-sultry-submissive-self gracefully kneeling like in a tumblr photo and for your husband to be his 100% manly-man-Dominant-self expertly leading you in all his powerful “Dom-ness” RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN IT! Whoa, slow down there tumblr addict, I totally get it…

BUT…

I just lost some of you because you don’t want to hear a BUT about anything. You want to hear YES! YES! YES! That’s called submissive frenzy. For unattached submissives that are just coming into the lifestyle, submissive frenzy is more of the quest to find a Dominant. In your case it is the quest to force change transform your husband into becoming your Dominant. This is a very slippery slope, subbie, and the advice out there on how to successfully do this is practically nil (look below for some of the few helpful links I could find). So what does newly submissive married woman frenzy look like? You want to be dominated now and you’re going to make sure he knows it. You tell him you read some things and you see yourself in it. You tell him you’ve always felt this way and this is what you want. You maybe even beg and plead for him to try this with you. You text and email him endlessly every article you can find so he knows exactly how a Dom is supposed to act. You buy books and load them on his tablet and you read blog post after blog post and feel like you’ve found your tribe (more on that later on). You cajole, cry, beg, manipulate, entice, seduce, remind, and maybe even threaten divorce. For some of you this is a race against time because you feel like your marriage is over and you think a D/s dynamic can save it. Some of you think your husband displays enough dominant traits that he must be a Dom and he’ll soon see himself in something you show him and jump on board. Some of you want to feel wanted and needed and loved because he just doesn’t pay attention anymore. Others of you are so starved for sex that you’re trying desperately to spice things up and bring back the kink. I know that many, many, many of you are genuine and are being extremely sincere in your efforts.

Let’s take a look at a few things you need to know about what really goes into a D/s relationship so you can better understand your own feelings, needs, and motives. These are the bare bones basics and is not a comprehensive list:

1) There is absolutely no guarantee that a D/s relationship will help an already ailing marriage. All D/s relationships, whether or not you’re married, are about honesty, trust, humility, patience, sensitivity, communication, negotiation, and genuineness – all the attributes of a good marriage or any kind of healthy relationship. Before you include a specific type of power exchange into your marriage you need to work on these qualities and take ownership of them simply because it behooves your relationship to do so. They don’t magically appear when a collar goes around a sub’s neck because they already need to be intrinsic to the relationship. Once you have that foundation you can start implementing a power exchange. You see, the D/s dynamic takes these elements much deeper and puts them on steroids. Your true selves will be revealed in every way and if the marriage needs work D/s won’t be a panacea.

2) You can still keep the vanilla! Vanilla isn’t a bad thing, but many will tell you it kills D/s. Liars! Vanilla only means life outside the D/s dynamic and BDSM activities. All sex is good sex if you’re doing it right. We enjoy vanilla sex, we enjoy kinky sex, we enjoy primal sex, we enjoy sex that includes bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic activities. I crave slow, passionate making love sex and completely enjoy hard, rough, peel me off the ceiling sex and I will bet your husband does, too. If you start insisting certain aspects of sexual activity that he enjoys cease in your sex life because it’s considered vanilla, you’re asking for him to shut you down. You are, in essence, telling him he’s a terrible lover and who wants that kind of rejection? Not a good way to start. How about this – what if he only wants vanilla sex, but wants the D/s dynamic? Did you just gasp? Read number 3.

3) D/s doesn’t mean sexual activity. Nope, it doesn’t. D/s is who you are and how you communicate and interact with one another. It is one person giving power over to other in a consensual exchange. It is an exchange of minds and hearts in a very special dance that draws out the fullness of your being. It is a way of life. BDSM activities are what you do that doesn’t necessarily include sex the way porn would have you believe. Can you be a submissive without being Dominated sexually? It’s a hard question that must be asked. See if you can live as a submissive on your own for a while. I bet there are things he’s wanted you to do and you’ve never done them. Don’t wait for some kind of formal rule list to be written up and elaborate protocols to be put into place before you start submitting. If he’s always wanted you to stop biting your nails or wants you to make the bed on a regular basis or workout everyday JUST DO IT! Obey what you already know to obey.

4) He may want to be a submissive or a switch. Don’t assume your husband is a Dom, even if he exhibits dominate traits. You may exhibit dominant traits, but you’ll swear on a stack of bibles that you’re a tried and true submissive. This can be a tricky one because it may be extremely hard for him to let you know, especially if you’re insisting on being the only submissive in the relationship. He may want to be a switch and Top for some things and bottom for others. You must be willing to take this seriously and consider all possibilities.

5) He may want to confine all D/s activities to the bedroom only and outside life to continue as normal. There are many couples who do that and are very fulfilled. Many couples start that way and gradually start incorporating D/s into more aspects of their lives. You do what works for the both of you and don’t feel some kind of pressure to be a 24/7 submissive.

6) Physical punishment isn’t a requirement and neither is pain of any kind. Just because you’re a submissive it doesn’t automatically make you a masochist and he doesn’t have to be a sadist if he’s a Dom. Many couples enjoy more of a sensual style that incorporates various forms of bondage, like Shibari, and sensory exploration such as wax play and feather tickling. Your husband may not want to spank you or you may not want to be spanked. It’s OK, really.

Are you still with me?

Look, there’s no such thing as a 50 Shades of Grey lifestyle and anyone who’s using that rhetoric to draw you in is playing you. It was a piece of fiction and real life D/s is so very different. What you liked was the kinky sex and that he paid attention to her all the time. That’s what you really want. You want your husband to notice you and tell you he craves you. You want to feel his love to your core. You want the fire and passion you had when you were younger. You want to feel connected to him in every way and feel taken care of and cherished. Don’t buy into someone trying to capitalize off of your good intentions and dare I say, desperation. The advice they give you can cause irreparable harm. I was once given some really horrible “advice” by a so-called submissive when I was at an all-time low point and had I followed it Coach and I would be divorced right now. Know what I did? I told her to fuck off. Use your head and keep your bullshit meter going all the time.

An overly romanticized picture has been painted that no human can possibly live up to (psst…these people don’t live up to it either). Don’t get me wrong, there’s room for lots of romance and thrill. Just know that there are many novices out there posing as experts and mentors. Most of them have never stepped inside a real event or even met anyone in their local community. They’ve also never written any kind of fact-based cited article (let alone a book), but they’ve read all the D/s and BDSM books out there and memorized the terminology of the lifestyle so they can recite it like a parrot. They speak of protocol and mindfulness and wear their submission like some sort of garter belt clad super-sub, cape and all. They want you to know that they’re there for you and looking out for you. How selfless are they! Their own opinions mean the world to them and they want you to know every single one of them. They’ve devised their own methods and ways of doing things and have even cultivated “cute” terminology of their own. They work very hard at keeping you attached so you don’t wander away and seek out others who can help you because only they know who you truly are and what you need. You’ll be told time and time again that you have so much in common and are just like them. They collect submissive friends like your grandmother collected Beanie Babies in the 90s, but in the end you’re just one of many and if you don’t have any more value (meaning you’re not so helpless anymore and can no longer inflate their already over-inflated ego) your friendship is no longer required and you are dismissed.

Did that sound harsh? You bet it did. Doesn’t it all sound so very middle/high school? It’s out there, ladies, so use your common sense and don’t get lulled into false comradery. Your tribe can and should be made up of a variety of people from many walks of life because strength is always found in diversity. Choose your sources wisely because this is YOUR life and no one can tell you how to live it. Learn from those trusted and vetted in the community because their many years of experience will give you sound advice.

Still want in? Good, I’m glad.

I’m glad we had this chat. We’ll talk again real soon, I’m sure.Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Love,
~Elle
XOXO
Further Reading:

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner (3 part series)

Submission in Marriage – Shifting from Husband and Wife to Dominant and Submissive

BDSM and How To Bring it to Life in your Vanilla Marriage

 

78 thoughts on “Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman,

  1. I fucking love this. LOVE IT!!

    I have a post in the works that highlights our most common hiccups and stumbles. Still. Probably always, because relationships are work. Hard work. Worth every bit of work, but hard, nonetheless.

    Kay💜

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much, Kay. It is hard work, especially when life comes in and smacks you across the face a few times. I’m just shedding light on what it’s really about and I look forward to reading your post. Goodness knows I always need help because you may have successfully gone through something that I haven’t yet, so we share and uplift.

      XO
      Elle

      Liked by 1 person

    • Great post Elle! Wise, sage advice written here friend, and it’s my hope that many looking to enter the lifestyle read this post! You have inspired me to work on a post for my blog as well! May I put a link to this piece in my post?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, my friend. It’s my hope as well that many will read and give them pause long enough to take much into consideration that they hadn’t before. I think the newly submissive married woman wants to feel some acceptance in the community and rushes to join up with other newbies for a feeling of safety. There’s some scary shit on the Internet and for a fairly sheltered suburban woman who is just uncovering certain proclivities she will not seek out advice from certain groups. And more so because of not feeling accepted by those groups and not the other way around.

        Please, by all means, link me. You know I can’t resist being chained 😉 Looking forward to reading you post. XO

        Like

    • Thank you so much, SSir. SG is a great resource and I like that there are a variety of points of view. That is the beauty of how she runs that site. There is no such thing as one size fits all as any woman who goes shopping for jeans will tell you. I take maybe five pairs of the same brand, size, and style with me into the dressing room because each one is slightly different than the other even through they look exactly the same and that’s the whole point. D/s has so many variations.

      Like

  2. Elle,

    You super smart girl! Thanks for all the sweat and thought that went into this.

    My husband told me after we first got married that our marriage will be much more successful with only one person as the head. He stated that yes, that meant in the end if a decision needs to be made and we both don’t totally agree then he should have the final say. Explaining that this is a difficult place to be, knowing his wife and 3 boys would ultimately have to live with whatever decision he believed was best but it that also meant he had to work twice as hard for our sakes so we were loved and taken care of to the very best of his abilities. Wow, that’s quite a lot of “stuff ” he’s willing to do for us if I can surrender that power and control into his hands.

    I did that and he has lived up to his part as only a natural head of household can do. My part was actually harder but as a natural sub I was very happy when it worked.

    I am spanked but mostly only in the bedroom. I do ask for spankings for real things because I need the cleansing. He obliges but it’s not his first reaction.

    This works great for us. For almost 20 years. Long before I ever found others, like your adorable self, to talk with and share experiences.

    Thanks for your honesty and beautiful way with words. Outstanding!

    Keri

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Keri,

      You’re making me blush. Thank you so much for following and commenting; it’s much appreciated. I especially thank you for your kind words.

      I love how you and your husband have made it work for you. I am glad you mentioned the enormous responsibility it is to be a Dom. Leadership isn’t an easy task and can be very tiring, but I know rewarding as well. Our support of that leadership is vitally important. I’ve heard Doms say that they think it’s difficult to be a sub and subs say it’s got to be hard being a Dom. When you are operating in your true element it all flows together.

      Stop by anytime 🙂
      XO
      Elle

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Ash,

      I hope so. I have just seen such drivel, especially as of late, that I just couldn’t take the nonsense anymore. It’s taught that you learn from mentors and not mistakes. I am no mentor, but I have made some mistakes along the way. I’ll do my best to point people in the right direction.

      XO
      Elle

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Excellant post Elle, as usual! I love your honesty and frankness, so refreshing. There are too many “fantasy” bloggers out there that make it all seem like the fiction and fantasy they read. Your blog posts are comforting to read about this lifestyle choice fitting in amongst the reality of real life/real marriage and the normalcy of it not living up to the fantasy of FSOG or other works of fiction. Thanks again Elle for such a wonderful post!

    Like

    • Hi bliss,

      Thanks so much. Why mince words, right? Oh my, the fantasy bloggers and the things they say. It just makes my head swirl. I don’t mind fiction one bit as we all need the break from the stark realities of life, but don’t lead people to believe that it’s real. Once that’s done we can have fun with this.

      Thanks for sharing!
      XO
      Elle

      Like

  4. Beautifully articulated as always! You have so clearly split the flight of fantasy so many of us indulge in into the practical and the art of the possible. Sage advice and practical without budding the dream.

    Like

    • Oh my, thank you so much Gail. Dreams and fantasies have their place, and you’re right, the practical does not have to burst the dream bubble. What bursts the fantasy is only living in it and not facing reality.

      XO
      Elle

      Like

  5. Elle –

    I don’t even know how to tell you how much I love this. My lil’ sis jumped on first and took my f-bomb so I’ll try to be a good girl. Thank you for such an open, thoughtful, articulate and HONEST article about life as a successful, connected and evolving couple no matter what glossary/index you happen to be borrowing terms and labels from.

    I’m with you darling, I love me some fiction when I need to “escape” but not when I need to connect with the man I love more than breathing on a real ‘life get’s dirty quick’ kind of way. It’s this constant state of make-believe that keeps me from jumping in on many sites because after 40 years of really building a life that led me to submission (and sex is farthest from the reason) I know that when the buzz wears off many will have moved on to find something/someone hotter or realize that fiction won’t fix fact.

    I friggin’ love this, Elle and would love to know you better. You are my kinda gal!

    Annie B Happy As A Clam

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Pingback: Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman, – Surrendering My Shield

  7. I am SO glad you wrote this! I can’t and won’t write specifically for married subs because I can’t relate the same way so I stick with singles, but new subs who are married definitely need this kind of advice! (Funnily enough, this goes along – sort of – with my post for this coming Saturday. Great minds thinking alike? Gosh, I hope so, lol.)

    Liked by 4 people

  8. Great Post! I feel like I should be handing it out to women exiting the FSOG movie, LOL. And yes, there are those who STILL seek to draw you in to their little fantasy cult, but most of us have left them to decay of their own accord. No one outside their ever shrinking circle takes those FSOG apologists seriously, much as the movie isn’t taken seriously either. Let them splash about in the shallow end and make pretend, we shall swim in the dark deep waters, where the wild things are….
    XO
    Peep

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am not married, and I am not a submissive. At least I’ve never tried being one. But I loved your post. It is a no non-sense piece that tells it like it is. D/s isn’t abuse and D/s doesn’t have to be kinky. And kink isn’t D/s. So let’s stop throwing it all together as if it was the same thing.
    I do recognise that I have some wild fantasies (well, they don’t seem that wild for me!) and tried to share who I am with my husband, to no avail. Considering there was little respect from him either… well, that explains the ‘ex’ part I guess!
    Reading the comments still makes me cringe because I know I could never surrender that much power any more. Yet I know that it is all done with love. Oh, sigh!
    But let’s forget about my state of mind.
    Elle’s usual good writing at its best 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make some excellent points as there are men who want their wives to submit and the wives want none of it. There are many layers and variables. I am very glad you see all the differences. So many who aren’t in this are baffled. Thanks for the compliment, Dawn XO

      Like

      • And there are women like me who would have liked for their husbands to be more dominant, at least in the bedroom, and they wanted none of that. Oh well, I’m better off without him, he was nothing more than a bully 🙂
        The only reason I am able to see all these differences is because I read what you and other straight-forward people write and learn from it 🙂
        Not just the romantic fiction, but rather your real-life experiences 🙂

        Like

        • There are many of those wanting to be in this lifestyle that are trying to emulate the romantic fiction, and in truth, are doing everything they can to coerce their husbands. Who can live up to that nonsense? I think many people get caught up in sweeping gestures. I am all for an evening of going out to dinner and dancing, but I pay attention to the small things like emptying the dishwasher or folding laundry because he knows I’m drained. And even sweeter, pulling me into his lap while he watches his favorite college football team and he teaches me the finer points of the game. I have to say I do get a tremendous amount of foot massages. Anyone can do the big things if you have the cash. I’ll take all the little things any day. The best part is that Coach really can dance so when we do go out it is so much fun!

          Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! I can’t imagine a more perfectly written piece of direct, important and informative literature on this topic. I think that it is the exact thing that SO many people, women especially, need to read when they are entering the D/s life. I am definitely one of those women. While I do have an incredibly strong and committed 20 year marriage behind me, I am newer to the D/s dynamic. I SO appreciate the advice and guidance of those who have more experience and wisdom to share. For me, this journey has taken an already unbreakable bond, and made it MORE. We are taking our time, testing the waters and cutting a path that is clear and easily traced backwards, just incase we start to get lost. I look forward to following you and hearing what advice, adventures and fun you share in the future. Coach is one Lucky Man.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Amelia, I loved reading this. You and your husband have a solid foundation and bond and with that anything is possible. You’re so smart taking your time. You have each other and you’re in it together. Let each new phase develop organically as needs and desires dictate. You two have something special.

      And thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t claim to be all that knowledgeable or wise, but I know a few who are and I endeavour to learn and grow everyday. I appreciate the follow.

      XO
      Elle

      Liked by 1 person

  11. i’m not married, but Daddy and i talk about that being in the future for U/us. Your post was very informative. It sheds light to what a REAL D/s dynamic is supposed to look like. i’m still new, and know that had i read this even a few months ago, the information would and will help me greatly. Every sub or woman looking to enter a D/s relationship should read this! Great job, Elle!

    Like

    • Thank you for saying that because that is exactly my intention. When I first started looking around the internet on and off about four years ago it was a different landscape. There was plenty of information on D/s, but not as it related to my situation. I found myself reading a lot of domestic discipline, HOH, and Take in Hand sights. More information became available, but it was still slim. It’s changing rapidly now.

      I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

      XO
      Elle

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Brava, Elle! I think you and I have a heart for the same thing… to help others see the reality of this, the possibilities, and to understand it is more than what happens in the bedroom. I love those of us who are willing to put it all out there, with stark honesty–the good, bad, ugly, sexy, AND redemptive. We each have our own personal takes on it, but at its core we believe the same–trust, respect, honor, communication, and selfless love. I might add that one red flag about the self-styled “experts” is their lack of any information of their own lessons learned and failings along the way. A true litmus test for me are those who blog honestly about the ups and the downs, the realities and not the fiction. Fantasies are ok to have as long as you realize they are just fantasies! And I liked what you said about FSOG– the desire to have a man who wants to take care of us I think is the overarching them that “spoke” to some women (that, and many women’s desire to see a man redeemed). Great job, love when you write with such passion and honesty!

    Like

    • Thank you so much, sweetie. There are a few trying to use FSOG as a recruiting tool. Shame. The wrong impression is being given and it’s going to hurt marriages. I shudder to think how many have suffered some damage already and are picking up the pieces. On top of that, some are trying to make a new D/s category, as if being married changes the essence of the dynamic. It doesn’t make any kind of sense whatsoever.

      I give you so much credit for being totally honest about all of your trials, tribulations, and successes. You really put it out there and I commend you for that. There are stark realities that some just never share. The best we can all do is tell the truth and call BS when we see it. I’ll be speaking up more on this issue because I’ve gotten some motivation and an idea is brewing. XO

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh Elle, how did I miss this? Applies to the non-Married new relationship people, too. XO
    Well said. My future contribution about FSOG (M.’s suggestion). Uhhh, not everyone participating is a Billionaire nor a mouse. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are many internet “Dom” that would have you believe they’re a dime dime a dozen, but a simple Google search shows that in 2014 there were 1,645 billionaires in the world and I’m sure they weren’t trolling chat rooms and FetLife. Generally they have better things to do with their time as does anyone with responsibilities. As a matter a fact, I’ve read that the more powerful someone is the more likely they are to be a submissive (not a hard and fast rule, I’m sure). A powerful, controlling person doesn’t always translate to Dominant and may possibly lean more towards domineering. There are so many facets at play and stereotypes abound. I am so happy that what I wrote applies to more people than just married couples. XO

      Liked by 3 people

  14. Hmm, I’ve just received a Friend req on FetLife from a man with Grey in his name. He has 50 ‘friends’, all acquired in the past month, all women, mostly young. He describes himself as a ‘professional’, his account looks new, but a bit of research reveals he has been around for a long time, and has changed his name and description.
    Something is going on here and I don’t like it!

    Ash

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on CinnamonAndSparkles and commented:
    Since I write from the perspective of a single, ( from single to in a loving relationship but not married ) I think this is great information to share for the married folks now curious about incorporating D/s into their relationship…..
    Thank you Elle for such an honest post.

    Like

  16. Perfect in every way Elle, Using your head and keeping your Bullshit meter going is something we should all do in our everyday lives. But especially in this world of kink. If these people who are trying to spice up their sex lives don’t already have a solid foundation to begin with it’s not going to work. Is it alright if I re-blog? Annie B. wrote something the other day about abuse that I just had to re-blog too. With all the Fifty Shades bullshit out there these young people have no idea what they are getting themselves into. And the so called Dom’s are just Assholes who think they have been given the right to rape and do what ever they want to these women. It’s sickening.

    Post like your’s and Annie B’s should help some. But more has to be written on this subject. Great Post Elle.. Hugs!!

    Like

    • Thanks so much, Annie. Yes, by all means, reblog. D/s is so misunderstood. It is hard work and you will learn more about yourself than you could have ever imagined possible. That, I and of itself, is a Pandora’s Box.

      Like

  17. Pingback: A Conversation About “50 Shades of Grey” | dievca

  18. I am sooo late to the party. I read this post the day it came out but haven’t had a moment to reply. This is a great post and will help so many people. Everyone is focused on the fantasy vs trying to create something that is real and fits them and their situation/dynamic and life.

    Like

  19. Hey there, girl!! I saw your post about the asshole domain thief, and went looking for this post. I must say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for posting this. I love how real and to-the-point you are in all of your posts. I think this post should be a definite reality check for many because there are some crazy-ass know-it-alls out there who will get you hurt, severly, and in more ways than one.

    Perfecto!

    Like

    • Thank so much for searching this post out. There are so many that represent themselves as experts and have so much advice. They’re never wrong and think their way is THE way. And then someone like me gets an email from a disillusioned or devastated person who got crappy advice or questioned someone’s crappy advice. People get hurt and relationship are on the line.

      Like

  20. Reblogged this on toraprincess and commented:
    This is an awesome post from The Submission of Elle that I have referred back to a few times. I read this fairly early on and there are so many lessons in this one writing. I admit they did not all sink in at the time. I had to do the journey before I realized these truths. If you’ve never read it please do and if you have read it again because you can get more out of it depending on where you are at on your path.

    I understood the word of caution, though I still had to learn my lesson the hard way. I was dismissed as not really being D/s and that made me determined to try harder to prove myself. It was a fruitless effort and I did not need to prove it to anyone outside of my relationship.

    D/s isn’t about kinky sex and five hours scenes you have rehearsed to “get it right”. It is the style of relationship you have chosen. It is the exchange of power that happens between the two of you. For me it is that emotional connection that I find when living as his.

    I get so fed up with the term vanilla. I think that is because I’ve heard it mocked and used as something you never want to be. It is just life people! Quit screaming Ewww vanilla or the condescending Oh it was just vanilla sex.

    Sexuality can be fluid. Just as your limits list can change so can the roles you enjoy. They may strongly lean toward one side but every once in awhile you like to experience something else. He may on occasion totally get off on having you take control or be sexual agressive for the evening. You can do that and still be his submissive. If he wants you to do it you are still following orders. Hell if you get off on it that is cool too. Enjoy experiment and dont freak the fuck out that you are falling out of role.

    If my Daddy does not want to do physical punishment that is ok. It’s his right. I may think that is what is needed to hold me accountable but you know what he has limits too.

    Please always have more than one source and keep your mind open.

    Like

  21. Wow, I do not know how I missed this post but it is so spot on. Thank you Toraprincess for reblogging it! ‘Perfect’ is the only word I can come up with. Thank you Elle! -belle

    Like

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