Moral Compass

Failure

I read some posts last night, saw some crap on Facebook, and had a really bad dream. It’s all still there underneath the surface and it’s obvious that I still have triggers. I haven’t had this dream in a long time, but at least I didn’t wake up screaming like the nightmares I used to have. I woke up in anguish and with tears rolling off my cheeks. Coach held me close and soothed me. He knows the depths of my pain. He knows.

When you are betrayed, lied to, deceived, cheated on, and abandoned by someone you love, the pain never really goes away. Much like the death of a loved one, you learn to cope with it, but it lives under the surface. A loved one that goes away because they die is profoundly different. We know death is inevitable for us all, and as horrible and soul-wrenching as a death is, we have an understanding of it. Betrayal is a different story. Deceit is a white hot knife that plunges into you and brands your heart against your consent. Lies and cheating leave their marks on you. Your soul knows its been abandoned. It knows.

I found out about the affair accidently. She was his friend, invited to the wedding (she declined) and after we married I was introduced. We would all meet up from time to time at a pub for Happy Hour. We laughed and shared. I got along well with her and thought of her as a friend. Just 16 months into the marriage he left and claimed he didn’t want to be married anymore, to me or anyone else. He fucked me all night long and in the morning told me to leave. Devasted is an understatement. For months I begged and pleaded with him and would even talk to her on the phone for comfort. She never let on. She bold-faced lied. One night I called her and he answered. I knew. She knew. He knew.

They wouldn’t admit the truth. I went into a rage that should never, ever be duplicated. I can understand the point one needs to get to in order to snap, but I didn’t, although I balanced on the precipice for a few days. Coach was there and kept me from jumping off a cliff. Coach has been there since. He knows. He knows.

The ex was cheating on me while we were together and for all I do know it could have very well been from the beginning. I look back now and can see all the signs. The spouses that are left in the wake can always see the signs. Whether or not we want to admit it is a different story. We know. We always know.

Last year I had a friend who revealed she’s married. The guy she’s dating is also married. I didn’t know they were married and was always under the belief that they were single and dating. Our friendship had become well established before these facts were ever told to me. I wanted to be fair-minded and not judge. I was asked to understand. It was a very difficult position to put someone in. They lamented about how they weren’t understood by their spouses and that they wanted to remain married. Of course they did because they have too much to lose in a divorce, especially if their affair became known to their spouses. They honestly believe they are better at being a husband and a wife. They should know better. They should know.

I was in territory I did not belong and I was sacrificing my beliefs for friendship. One day she informed me that she may be found out and would need to lay low for a while, but would seek me out when everything settled. I was part of her “other life” so I, too, must remain hidden. She had something that belonged to me and I had been asking for it back for a few weeks. I made some lightning fast decisions in a matter of seconds and my text back to her was not about asking her if she was OK or expressing any kind of concern for what she was going through. No, I wanted back what belonged to me because if that piece of property got into her husband’s hands I would be the one to get hurt. I was sure she was going to disappear and I would never speak to her again, let alone get back my precious property. My first text asked if I was still going to get it back and then a moment later I sent another text asking if she was OK. My gut instincts were to cut and run. A week later I received back my property and a nastygram. I was hurt because she insinuated that I wasn’t genuine and not who I said I was or what she had always believed. I know who I am. I know.

When you bring someone into your lie you cause them to lie. You should never, ever put anyone in that position. I know what it’s like to have this kind of lie going on behind my back and I know the devastation it leaves behind. I live it. I’ve had nightmares about it. I grieve for their spouses, who are supposedly good people, by the way, so why then hurt them like this? Why deceive them? You know they’ll be devastated if and when they find out. TELL THEM THE TRUTH GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE! There are very few circumstances when lying is justified. If you hid Jews from the Nazis I thank you for your lies and you are a hero. Hiding your affair from your husband is something entirely different. Do you see the distinction? You know and I know you know.

My moral compass has been taken to the shop for repair because I dropped it and cracked my glass, just like I did recently with my new phone.  So very different than my phone, when I crack the glass on my compass God doesn’t void my warranty. I’m allowed to repair my moral compass as many times as it needs repair and each and every time I get to start over as good as new. I am known to Him. I am known.

MoralCompass

“The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22 & 23 (NASB)

I am not suggesting that anyone stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but you MUST end the marriage first before becoming involved with anyone else as it’s just simply the right thing to do. Don’t bring people unwittingly into this secret life of yours and expect them to always say and do the right thing by you. When a conscience speaks it comes out in ways you will not like. You don’t have the right to be annoyed, mad, incensed, outraged, indignant, or offended by how anyone reacts at any given time to your situation. You seek loyalty from friends whom you’ve entrusted with so great a secret, but you put a heavy burden upon their shoulders that they shouldn’t have to bear. Bear your own burdens. When she told me her husband may be onto her something in me clicked. I was aiding her deception and betrayal and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought. I allowed myself to be put into this position and I was wrong for allowing it. I take full responsibility for my actions. No longer will the truth of who I am and what I believe be silenced for anyone’s benefit and I will not be made to feel guilty for telling you that you’re wrong. The truth knows. The truth always knows.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.”
 Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)

Pursue Me

As a submissive I never refuse any sexual contact. I’m available to my Dom whenever, wherever, and however he chooses. This is the agreement because he is in charge of my body. Granted, when I’m sick or dog-tired he’s a loving and understanding Dom and he takes care of me and makes sure I get my rest. My well being is priority.

All that being said, I still want to be pursued. Just because he can always have me doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel the excitement of the seduction. I love the pursuit. I want to feel wanted and desired. That feeling of the chase is so thrilling. There’s the lead up, the flirting, the subtle, but definitive touches. There’s the look in his eyes and the mischievous smile. Nothing specifically said yet volumes are spoken. It’s teasing at its finest and it makes me feel so sexy and special. It’s the feeling of being desired and singled out. It’s the little things and the big things and everything else in between. It’s the connective heat and the thrill of the unexpected.

Oh, yes, Sir, pursue me.

He Wants Me To Want It

To say that Coach loves my submission is an understatement. I’ve had a very busy 10 days and was given numerous tasks to complete. They were either business or research related, but I jumped in happily knowing how much taking on these responsibilities pleases him. I had a wonderful momentum going and he is very proud of me. A couple of nights ago he showed me just how proud he is of me with a very hard and fiery fuck that left me speechless and sated.

Our greatest strength as a couple is that when we are faced with major life choices we always make the same choice. There has never been a time in our 28 years together when we had to choose a major path and were at major odds with each other. Whether it’s religion, politics, children, education, housing, or health, we always turn up on the same page, but our methods are so different in how we get there. These big ticket items are usually make or break for most couples. Anytime a new concept or idea is presented we each go out of our way to share with the other everything we know and believe.

One of the things I love most about Coach is that he prefers to not be the type of Dom that makes a decision and demands that I follow it no matter what I believe. He wants me to want it as much as he does because when we’re both sold out to the same cause magic happens. He wants me in agreement with him and that’s where I want to be as well. He doesn’t believe in forced submission and although he knows that I’ll follow and obey (maybe with a little hemming and hawing at first), he swells with pride and joy when I willing and lovingly obey.

Part of the beauty of a D/s relationship is in it’s uniqueness. How we do what we do may be so very different than how you do it, but that’s what makes it all so special. We’ve learned (and initially we sucked at it) how to communicate so that we understand each other. We both go to great lengths to make that happen because it is mandatory in our relationship that we have that deep connection. We thrive on it and are at our best when we both want the very same things.

I know I will be heard and I know he will seek to understand me and not just dismiss my thoughts and feelings. I will always do the same for him. Yes, there are times when some kind of stupid fear gets in the way and I take too long to go to him, but in my heart of hearts I know he will listen no matter when I come to him to share what I’m thinking and feeling. I messed up pretty big last month and missed a very important deadline. Life was kicking my ass and it got away from me. I had to go to Coach with a heavy heart and confess my blunder. I was trying to fix it on my own and couldn’t. He took my burden and made it right, just like I knew he would, but I had to sweat out a weekend because nothing could be done until that Monday morning. He never got mad, but instead we examined what went on in our lives that caused the mistake to happen. As much as this was my fault he said it was his responsibility as well and he took an equal share in the blame. He let things get away from him too and we had to deal with it. He is not a Dom that looks for opportunities to punish me, but takes every opportunity to help me improve and grow. This was the perfect opportunity for both of us to improve and grow.

He wants me to want it and I do. I really do.

My Privilege

We’ve never been understood and we never will
It took us years to understand us
We don’t have the expectation to be understood anymore
I enjoy our cocoon, the one we slip into whenever we’re around anyone else
No one has gotten in and that’s fine by me
I only want to be understood by you
We put words out there and give people a glimpse
But that’s all it can ever be
This is our special life
It’s not anyone’s to understand and make sense of
It is my distinct privilege to know the real you and to love you