Moral Compass

Failure

I read some posts last night, saw some crap on Facebook, and had a really bad dream. It’s all still there underneath the surface and it’s obvious that I still have triggers. I haven’t had this dream in a long time, but at least I didn’t wake up screaming like the nightmares I used to have. I woke up in anguish and with tears rolling off my cheeks. Coach held me close and soothed me. He knows the depths of my pain. He knows.

When you are betrayed, lied to, deceived, cheated on, and abandoned by someone you love, the pain never really goes away. Much like the death of a loved one, you learn to cope with it, but it lives under the surface. A loved one that goes away because they die is profoundly different. We know death is inevitable for us all, and as horrible and soul-wrenching as a death is, we have an understanding of it. Betrayal is a different story. Deceit is a white hot knife that plunges into you and brands your heart against your consent. Lies and cheating leave their marks on you. Your soul knows its been abandoned. It knows.

I found out about the affair accidently. She was his friend, invited to the wedding (she declined) and after we married I was introduced. We would all meet up from time to time at a pub for Happy Hour. We laughed and shared. I got along well with her and thought of her as a friend. Just 16 months into the marriage he left and claimed he didn’t want to be married anymore, to me or anyone else. He fucked me all night long and in the morning told me to leave. Devasted is an understatement. For months I begged and pleaded with him and would even talk to her on the phone for comfort. She never let on. She bold-faced lied. One night I called her and he answered. I knew. She knew. He knew.

They wouldn’t admit the truth. I went into a rage that should never, ever be duplicated. I can understand the point one needs to get to in order to snap, but I didn’t, although I balanced on the precipice for a few days. Coach was there and kept me from jumping off a cliff. Coach has been there since. He knows. He knows.

The ex was cheating on me while we were together and for all I do know it could have very well been from the beginning. I look back now and can see all the signs. The spouses that are left in the wake can always see the signs. Whether or not we want to admit it is a different story. We know. We always know.

Last year I had a friend who revealed she’s married. The guy she’s dating is also married. I didn’t know they were married and was always under the belief that they were single and dating. Our friendship had become well established before these facts were ever told to me. I wanted to be fair-minded and not judge. I was asked to understand. It was a very difficult position to put someone in. They lamented about how they weren’t understood by their spouses and that they wanted to remain married. Of course they did because they have too much to lose in a divorce, especially if their affair became known to their spouses. They honestly believe they are better at being a husband and a wife. They should know better. They should know.

I was in territory I did not belong and I was sacrificing my beliefs for friendship. One day she informed me that she may be found out and would need to lay low for a while, but would seek me out when everything settled. I was part of her “other life” so I, too, must remain hidden. She had something that belonged to me and I had been asking for it back for a few weeks. I made some lightning fast decisions in a matter of seconds and my text back to her was not about asking her if she was OK or expressing any kind of concern for what she was going through. No, I wanted back what belonged to me because if that piece of property got into her husband’s hands I would be the one to get hurt. I was sure she was going to disappear and I would never speak to her again, let alone get back my precious property. My first text asked if I was still going to get it back and then a moment later I sent another text asking if she was OK. My gut instincts were to cut and run. A week later I received back my property and a nastygram. I was hurt because she insinuated that I wasn’t genuine and not who I said I was or what she had always believed. I know who I am. I know.

When you bring someone into your lie you cause them to lie. You should never, ever put anyone in that position. I know what it’s like to have this kind of lie going on behind my back and I know the devastation it leaves behind. I live it. I’ve had nightmares about it. I grieve for their spouses, who are supposedly good people, by the way, so why then hurt them like this? Why deceive them? You know they’ll be devastated if and when they find out. TELL THEM THE TRUTH GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE! There are very few circumstances when lying is justified. If you hid Jews from the Nazis I thank you for your lies and you are a hero. Hiding your affair from your husband is something entirely different. Do you see the distinction? You know and I know you know.

My moral compass has been taken to the shop for repair because I dropped it and cracked my glass, just like I did recently with my new phone.  So very different than my phone, when I crack the glass on my compass God doesn’t void my warranty. I’m allowed to repair my moral compass as many times as it needs repair and each and every time I get to start over as good as new. I am known to Him. I am known.

MoralCompass

“The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22 & 23 (NASB)

I am not suggesting that anyone stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but you MUST end the marriage first before becoming involved with anyone else as it’s just simply the right thing to do. Don’t bring people unwittingly into this secret life of yours and expect them to always say and do the right thing by you. When a conscience speaks it comes out in ways you will not like. You don’t have the right to be annoyed, mad, incensed, outraged, indignant, or offended by how anyone reacts at any given time to your situation. You seek loyalty from friends whom you’ve entrusted with so great a secret, but you put a heavy burden upon their shoulders that they shouldn’t have to bear. Bear your own burdens. When she told me her husband may be onto her something in me clicked. I was aiding her deception and betrayal and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought. I allowed myself to be put into this position and I was wrong for allowing it. I take full responsibility for my actions. No longer will the truth of who I am and what I believe be silenced for anyone’s benefit and I will not be made to feel guilty for telling you that you’re wrong. The truth knows. The truth always knows.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.”
 Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)

39 thoughts on “Moral Compass

  1. I understand what you mean. And I feel bad about what I did. I know that my Ex must feel something like what you describe. I remember, when I confessed to having slept with another man while we were married, how he said that he’d known and it hurt.
    Yet, he never considered why I did it. The fact that he had been telling me for years that I was undesirable. I don’t know that it makes it any better, but my thing only went on for 6 weeks, and no one else knew about it until after the divorce started, a year later. So I didn’t drag anyone into my lies, my deceit as you put it.
    But I must say that this affair, if you want to call it that, was my life saver, the trigger that helped me really see that there was a life where I could be respected, appreciated for what I did and who I was. And that if my marriage didn’t provide that for me, I was allowed to seek it elsewhere. I decided to leave the marriage as soon as I realised there was no future there where I could more than exist.

    But it is always a difficult decision to take. No one should judge the others for the way they chose to live their lives. I understand why you reacted that way. I know you’re not judging me, just if you were to learn about what I did, you would ask me to not involve you in it. And that’s fine too.

    I have to go, I hope my last comments don’t sound resentful or angry. They are not meant to be. I just don’t have the time to figure out exactly how to best convey this, I’m sorry.

    Hope you forgive me.
    XO

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    • Dawn, the difference is that you didn’t weave a web of lies with a host of other people and keep on lying about it for years. You were honest and did something very brave, which is tell the truth. This is about those that want to stay in their lies and have people just accept it. These people say they love their spouses and want to remain married. They claim they have better marriages now. What a load of crap! That was never your situation. I respect your honesty and I know how much you’ve anguished.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you.
        I must say that I don’t quite understand how people remain married and say it’s better for everyone. I saw how much it hurt my mom. I saw the disrespect between my parents for years (even though she wasn’t aware of an affair, and truthfully I have no idea how long it went on). I know my dad didn’t tell my mom beause he still loved her enough that he didn’t want to hurt her, not realising that he was hurting her more the longer it went on. He thought she wasn’t strong enough to handle the truth or to live outside of that marriage, partly because he’d behaved in such a way at first that she didn’t have a stable job.
        I know that if I had stayed, I would have been lying to myself, which was something I just couldn’t do any more, not after having lied to myself for 10 years that this was what a relationship was like.
        But sometimes, these people stay married because they have been told all their lives that divorce is the worst thing there is, that it’s so bad for the children, that you took vows in front of God and shouldn’t break them… so much pressure is put onto them by society that it is sometimes very difficult to take that decision. I know that my ex still is certain that I destroyed the family unit, unwilling as he is to see that there hadn’t been a unit in a very long time, and the part he played in that. He is certain that there is nothing worse than divorce for children… and he is making it true :-/

        However, I must say that I understand the “my marriage has never been better” assertion: after someone made me feel good about myself, it showed in my marriage. All of a sudden, my husband started to find me attractive again, because I was able to look at myself in a mirror and say to myself that I was a beautiful woman, something that had just been impossible for so many years because of the way I’d been treated (had allowed him to treat me, I’m not shoving the blame onto him, I take my share).

        What I’m saying is that it is often an intricate, difficult position to be in.

        But I agree, as a friend, you don’t deserve to be put in the middle of it all if they have no intention of ever leaving, and you sure as hell shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about slipping and letting something on.

        But you are right, I have anguished a lot. As have you, the hurt is palpable in your post. I hope someday you find peace with this part of your experience.

        Hugs
        XO

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        • The people I’m talking about are living in a delusion. They think their marriages are in good shape. They say they just needed something their spouses refused to provide and they found it in each other. They also claim to be in love with each other as well as their spouses. It’s all so very fucked up and all so very wrong on too many levels.

          As for me, I’m speaking from the point of view of the woman who got cheated on as well as the person that got wrapped up in someone else’s shit. I have to speak my truth in this because I have a life long hurt that shouldn’t have happened. I was living my life as best I could with a guy that I thought loved me unconditionally. He left me so very devastated. Yes, I know some situations are different and of course we need to take them on a case by case basis, but I still stand in the belief that it’s better to leave before getting involved with anyone else because you just never know who may get hurt. Dawn, I tried to take my life because of this. It was bad. I was crying so hard one time I drove my car off the road. It was that bad. It’s by the grace of God that I’m alive today.

          I totally agree with Cinnamon, though, if going through all of that pain was the price I had to pay to have Coach then I’d do it all over again.

          Liked by 3 people

  2. Elle,
    That was very well written. I have watched my sibling destroy 3 marriages and 1 LTR by having extra-marital affairs and marrying the cheater. It hurts our entire family and is like watching a train wreck. Each time “they” promise they won’t cheat on each other and that if either one gets that “feeling” that will talk it through. Yeah, sure. I am accused of “judging” when I try to point out the repetitive, self destructive actions and suggest he find help with ministry or counseling. There is no judgement, God is the only judge. There is like you say a moral compass, there are the 10 Commandments, there is the Bible, all these things are tools at our disposal to live life in such a way that helps lesson man-made pain and suffering. Do things in the right order and life is a bit easier. Get married Then have a baby. If your in a relationship that is bad, End the relationship, wait a bit, Then start dating again. When we do things out of order we bring pain upon ourselves and all of those around us. No, “if’s, and’s, or but’s” about it. They can rationalize all they want and it doesn’t change the facts.
    You are fortunate to have Coach in your life helping you pick up the peices and God in both of your lives to keep leading the way as He always will.

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    • Hi bliss. Thank you so much for your comment. I completely understand because I’ve watched my four brothers ruin relationships like they were getting paid to do so. They have gotten married, divorced and remarried several times. I think that even someone who doesn’t use the bible as the framework for their moral compass can agree on some basic rules of living on this planet with other human beings. With certain exceptions, the majority of humans who have ever existed have a code that is inherent to being a human being. It can get severely damaged and warped based on a myriad of circumstances, but we have an agreement as a species: 1) Let’s not kill each other 2) Let’s not damage each other physically, emotionally, mentally 3) We won’t view each other as food 4) We won’t steal each other’s property, spouses, children, money, livestock, or pets 5) We won’t infringe on each other’s desire to earn a living or worship a god(s) 6) Let’s not damage each other’s property 7) Let’s not lie about each other and bear false witness.

      I am not suggesting that anyone follow how I believe and I know that circumstances can be such in a person’s life that desperation causes an out of character reaction. All of that is understandable, but it shouldn’t be the norm. However, when we know better we need to do better and just live as honestly and authentically as we can.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am more content now than ever. I cleared the garbage in my life. Sir said to me once ,remember you are only as good as the company you keep. Are you happy with that? ….so I too repaired my moral compass. I then complained that I felt lonely without this “friend ” His response, do not mistake loneliness for being at peace and content. I’m sorry for the emotional battles, the heartache, and especially the nightmares. I was up most of the night last night with one. Sir is out of town.

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    • You have a very wise Sir. I understand how you feel about losing a friend. I will tell you that the feeling of loneliness fades and because of my moral compass getting its much needed adjustment I was able to recognize the good people out there and let them in. Every now and then something triggers the memories and I can feel the hurt again. It’s now the same raw emotion and I have no feelings for him in any way, but every now and then I feel the shock of the betrayal and that’s what hurt most of all. My feelings were never considered. Is your Sir out of town long? Those out of town trips are hard. Be well.

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  4. Excellent post, Elle. I have been one that was dragged into the lie. I had a friend who I caught out in town with a woman. Since I was friends with his wife, I recognized the situation quite clearly. The man panicked and called me to beg me not to tell. We were good friends and he used that situation to his advantage while I allowed myself to provide cover for him. Without going into a lot of detail, I lied for him once (I LOATHE lying). I “knew” that he was out with her, but I covered for him without hesitation by insisting that I didn’t know where he was (he had a usual place to meet with “her”). I told him that I was never going to be in that situation again – ever. I told him that if she called me seeking him, I would steer her towards discovery. I also told him that he needed to come clean with his wife. That phone call was the last that I ever heard from him – a 12 year friendship was over in a second.

    I knew that he was eventually caught and his wife was angry with me but forgave me for not telling her. She didn’t want to know yet she knew. Sadly, even she and I are no longer in touch.

    No more. If you are my friend and you cheat and attempt to pull me into it, you and I are done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Will. I completely understand how you feel. Getting pulled into that vortex is wrong to impose on anyone. It’s unfortunate that you lost a friend. I’ve heard this story all too often. I think he took his guilt and put it on you. That is usually what happens. Easier to be mad at you than to acknowledge what he was doing. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

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      • My lot in life. No worries about going through this. It sucks, but when people show their true colors with such vivid reality, letting them walk uncontested is perfectly ok.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, Angel. I wish I could hug you right now. I understand. I discovered a secret about a year and a half ago. The reason he left me for her was because he got her preganant. There it was on Facebook. They were celebrating their oldest son’s birthday. I did the math. He had gotten her pregnant. He married her not long after our divorce was finalized and are still married. They had two other sons. He looks like shit.

      You know. You really do know. XOXO

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  5. Elle, I am so sorry you had to relive some of this crap. It really sucks (in most of my LT relationships, cheating was a factor, and “best friends” kept the truth from me; I will never trust those people again and I wish I could say that to their faces). But at the same time, I am elated to hear someone speak of a moral compass. I was beginning to think these were obsolete! It’s reprehensible when people ask you to become party to their deceptions, as if it’s just the norm. Do no harm… treat others as you wish to be treated. Sadly, people always seem to have an excuse or reasons to justify their actions, and there is rampant moral relativism out there. At 22 a much older man, who technically was a supervisor, started a romance with me. It started off with us having to spend 12 hour shifts together, him being away from home (wife and kids) on long-term assignment, and him being very caring and considerate of me. Before long I had the full story of his very unhappy marriage that was about to end any day… He also was incredibly Dom-like, being in law enforcement gave him the attitudes, bearing, and tools of a Dom, and I succumbed. Why did I buy it? I will always regret it. People do really, really stupid things when their hormones get involved and they think only of themselves. I thank God I evolved past that. Even at our worse moments in this marriage, I never, ever was going to cheat on SK even though the opportunities were there. It would have to be ended, broken, before I sought anyone else out.

    You did the right thing standing by your principles. And I admire you all the more for writing it here. Sometimes in this lifestyle, a lot of us want to be “nice” and pat each other’s hands and say, “whatever works for you,” but I think it takes some guts and integrity to stick to your beliefs and have your compass pointing true north. I see some people in the lifestyle that I’m so afraid for. Our brand of kinky sex can sometimes be a double-edged sword, and while seeking new kink and highs, boundaries get blurred, people get hurt, even though that wasn’t the intention. Kudos, hugs and Brava, Lady! Proud to call you friend.

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    • You and I have lived a full life, haven’t we? I have regrets, too. We work out our faith with fear and trembling and sometimes WE ABSOLUTELY SUCK AT IT!

      I have erred on the side of being nice about it all and I have even succumbed to pursuing a fantasy that thankfully never materialized. Yes, people get hurt and we need to get straight in our minds and hearts if what we feel we need will actually serve us, hurt us, or hurt those around us. When we allow desperation to overtake us we lay a precarious foundation that will not stand. We will cause people to stumble and fall and those consequences are harsh. I am a believer in forgiveness and change and growth. I have been given those mercies and I extend it out as well. I have come to the place (again) where I will be bolder and speak the truth in love whenever and wherever no matter what anyone thinks of me.

      I’m proud to call you friend as well. You speak your truth and I respect you for that. XO

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  6. Elle,
    I believe you are familiar with my story. I was cheated on for close to a decade…. and yes, I knew. I always knew. I made a conscious choice to look the other way. I hoped, and I prayed, that he would get whatever it was out of his system. I turned myself inside out trying to be a good wife…. so much so that one day I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

    It’s funny ( not really ) because I eventually couldn’t ignore it anymore because his partners started to post about him online….. He was cheating on them too!! Shocking that a cheater cheats isn’t it?
    🙂

    Anyway, what I am learning more and more each day is that these people who tear through other’s lives with their actions, are in a lot of pain themselves. Damaged. I’m not excusing it…. but I sympathize with them to an extent. Again…. Not excusing.

    My ex still denies his cheating. See, they lie, even to themselves.

    The best thing he ever did for me was to look me in the face and tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. It fucking ripped my heart out of my chest, and brought me to my knees. Which is exactly what needed to happen for God to raise me back up.

    Three years later and I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams…. I wouldn’t wish my pain on my worst enemy, but like I told my Sir the other day…… if that was the price I paid for him and for us, I’d pay it again gladly.

    Anyway….. I wish them all healing. I wish that for you too. And I smile, knowing that God blessed you like he did me.

    PS- I apologize if that was rambled and not exactly on target with your message. Just my jumbled thoughts.
    XOXO

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    • Cinn, you didn’t ramble at all and I completely understand what you’re saying. I knew a lot of your story, but now I understand more. I finally got my closure last year when I found out why he really left (see my comment to Angel). I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything in this world. Yes, blessed is the word! You really do have an amazing heart and are so very strong. I, too, wish my ex some peace. The last I read he was having problems with his wife (her). I don’t care to know anymore about them as I’ve made my peace with what he’s done. I pray he he’s taught his sons better.

      Girl, we both got it good now! Amen and Amen! ❤

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  7. beautifully written but hard to read. I held that same moral ground when a friend was having an affair with a married man. Her husband was a horrible human but she did not leave because of 4 small children. In the end both marriages and 6 kids went though hell.
    Years later i was the one having the affair. In a long dead marriage that i was to afraid to walk away from. I was the adultress for a year. He never asked,but i am sure he had a clue. Our marriage finally ended. Not because of an affair but because i could no longer look at him or myself with any dignaty.
    Yes you should leave before you become involved with someone else. But from a place of knowledge i can say that sometimes you want to and you try to, but you lack the strength to be the better person. It is a hazard of holding onto the moral high ground when it is miles above your own head.
    I am glad that coach has given you the love you so deserve and is there to hold you in the times of darkness. That kind of real love is rare. I know because this time i found it to in a man who knows all of my dark past and loves me, not in spit e of it, but because of it.

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    • I remember your story. I understood your pain and I truly wished you well. I remember when it ended and how hurt you were. I am so very happy that you found your King and that he treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

      I want to reiterate the fact that all of us lose, break, or forget to bring our moral compasses with us from time to time. But like I said, we can take it in for repair or make the journey to retrieve the one we had. Those with lost compasses can easily find it again because they all come with a homing device and all we have to do is call it back to us. It’s how we move forward. It’s how we make the necessary changes. It’s how we love and forgive ourselves and others. You went on a journey and have come out ahead. It was difficult and you learned valuable lessons that will serve you well. You are now equipped to help someone else that needs the wisdom you’ve attained. Look for those opportunities because as we give, we receive.

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  8. Elle,

    I grew up in the wake of the kind of deception you described. We were little girls introduced to our parents “special friends” and then encouraged not to mention this friend to the other parent because we wouldn’t want to be “the cause of their heartache, would we.” It made me untrusting of everyone in my life for a very long time.

    I have to say I had to come to terms with the actions of my parents and work at loving them in spite of them. Having said that, I refuse to be used in the deception. I will forgive and move on, but I won’t lie or be apart of the deceiving of another.

    I asked my father before he died why he lied and he was finally strong enough to admit he’d been too cowardly to admit he needed out.

    I’m sorry you are feeling that old pain. I find myself praying a lot these days that people will release others from situations that will cause them unimaginable pain.

    Great post! ❤️💙😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, Annie, what a hard way to grow up. I’ve used the word desperate in a few responses, but fear is also a factor. Your father lived in fear and fear doesn’t make good decisions. Fear becomes selfish and lacks vision. Fear only know right this very minute. The pain comes and goes. I’ve been wrestling for a few months and last night it all came to a head, but I’m good and it’s good to talk about these things openly. We all have a lot of learn and we do it until we take our last breath. The best we can do is pass on these hard learned lessons so we can give someone else the tools to live a much better life.

      XO

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  9. Ugh, I’ve been in that postion before. Both my sisters-in-law cheat on their husbands. The older has been in her outside relationship for years and constantly brags about how awesome he is and how great the sex is. I hated hearing about it, but kept my mouth shut. But then, when my 16-year-old stepdaughter, who already has some issues figuring out right and wrong because of her mother, was in town and made the comment that cheating is wrong, the sister actually defended it! To a freaking teenage girl! She said, “Well, what if your husband doesn’t have sex with you? Should you really have to give that up?”

    And yet, I was the bad guy for telling the bitch she had no right to say that to a troubled teenager, and just because SHE thought it was okay to do that crap, doesn’t mean she needs to pass that warped perception on to a little girl. Seriously. His parents, his other sister, and his uncle all told me I was a huge bitch for doing that. Yay, families.

    God, I can’t imagine what the pain of being cheated on must be. And to have been so utterly betrayed and abandoned like that. You’re an unbelievably strong woman to have survived that, and you have my respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a nasty piece of work! Her openness about it is shocking. It’s hard enough raising kids, but to be subject to that is mind boggling. I’m so glad you stood up.

      I had no choice but to be strong. It was one of those situations that could have take me down and I ran on survival mode, which is a strong trait in me. Hard teenage years pulled that out of me. I was 21 when he left and I had to grow up really fast. I couldn’t let someone like him take me down. If I go down it will be because I was defeated by a worthy opponent. He wasn’t worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Trust is so complex, and there are so many versions of it. I suppose we all have different boundaries, and I am not sure what mine are. Still, this has been a great conversation wall….take care everyone!

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    • I think many don’t know their boundaries until they come up against them. We just have to get out there and live and put our beliefs to the test. You know what lives in your heart or at least you can find out.

      I need to get back over.to your blog. It’s been too long. XO

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      • I know what you mean….trust is a strange thing, elusive. For my part, I find it hard to know – the way I am “true” is so strange, so wretched, that while I can face any consequence (truly, you know the limits I don’t have), yet by many conventional measures I do not tell all….I do love the dialogue you started here though, and have been over a lot of it myself already. xx

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  11. Married Doms who cheat and seek out those who are submissive do not have a D’s relationship. They have a relationship based on kink and kink alone.
    Why either would risk losing everything is jut mind blowing.
    Married men who cheat cannot communicate , they have a very low self esteem, cannot be trusted, and if you think your the only one he is fucking your nuts.

    Both who are married are fake , I would be scared knowing I was being fucked around on, because now the one I love no longer has my back

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    • It’s hard to wrap my head around. To truly Dominate someone you have to be there in every way. Now, you can occasionally Top someone, but that shouldn’t be confused with being that person’s Dom. I agree, it’s kink.

      Speaking as the woman who was cheated on all I want to say to the other woman is, “Do you have any idea of the repercussions of your actions? I was in terrible debt (that he ran up in my name) for over ten years! I tried to kill myself over this affair. I sank into a depression and had a very hard time fully trusting. I suffered and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

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      • Though I wonder Elle… why speak to the woman? The person who was in a relationship with you definitely was the man. What she did, how it went about with her, has nothing to do with you. What HE did may. He was a grown man who didn’t know that marrying someone when you don’t love them may hurt them.
        The debt he ran in your name was not her doing but his. So why judge her?

        I am terribly sorry for the hurt you felt, but I just don’t see why you resent the woman more than him. It was his decision to cheat on you. She didn’t cheat on you, she found love (or something she thought of as that, just like you had thought you were in love with him). The best proof is that they are still married.

        I am speaking from the experience I have with my parents. I know that my father cheating on my mother was devastating for her. But in a way, it also helped her finally stand up for herself and leave an abusive marriage. And the depression was already there before she ever learnt of any cheating. I don’t think I’ve ever known my mom as not depressed. So I cannot say that him cheating on her is what brought on the depression.

        However, I can tell you that the relationship my dad built is the best thing that could have happened to him. And I”m not saying in the sense that he got to enjoy great sex, I have no idea what his sex life is/was like, and I don’t want to know. No, 16 years later, he is married to this woman and she was the best influence there ever was on his life. I probably wouldn’t have a relationship with my dad if it wasn’t for her and the things she managed to make my dad become aware of. If it wasn’t for this woman who was able to stand up to him and say: “Yes, I love you, but what you are doing is not love. It is not how a relationship is supposed to work and I won’t stand for it.”, my dad would still be the aggressive, self-centered, controlling, violent ass he was during my childhood. And I wouldn’t speak to him any more.

        So in a sense, I am glad my dad cheated on my mom. It was the trigger that set things in motion. They should have divorced many years earlier, but were too scared by what society was telling them, too scared of the unknown too…

        And as a child having witnessed the transformation, I am thankful for this woman who made my dad happy and allowed us all to lead happy lives with him.

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        • Dawn, this was someone who was my friend and was fucking my husband while I cried on the phone to her because he left me. I said all kinds of shit to him and got out everything I needed to get out. I even slapped him across the face and punched him in the stomach. I never got to say a word to her. Most people don’t know the “other woman.” I did. I had one phone call with her in particular when I wondered if he was cheating on me and I asked her how she would feel if she was ever cheated on and she said she wouldn’t tolerate anyone cheating on her. Do you see the hypocisy? She wasn’t some woman who was seduced by him. They both were evil and calculating. No one is innocent here. She was just as much of a selfish rotten bitch as he was. I have no sympathy for her in any way.

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          • Yes, I see the hypocrisy and how much that must have hurt. That behaviour is inappropriate and I understand that you were actually cheated twice, once by your ex and once by your friend. This is awful and I’m not going to try and excuse any of their behaviour.
            I hope you get to heal from those hurts and find peace.
            Sending love your way.
            XO

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            • I made the point in the post that you learn to cope. Scars are left and that kind of betrayal goes deep. Does one ever truly heal? I don’t think so. Time goes by and the lain lessens. You fill you life with good things and people and you gain wisdom. I don’t Iive in the pain, but I will never forget it.

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