Can Your Husband Really Be Your Dom?

I’m going out on a limb here, but I suspect you haven’t asked yourself this question. I also suspect that the only thing you’ve really been thinking is that you want to be a submissive and you want to be dominated so by default you’re putting your husband in the position of being your Dom. You consider yourself a submissive so naturally he must be a Dominant. He must be your Dom.

There are many women, who, after having a submissive light bulb turn on, run to their husbands with the good news that they are now available for domination only to be rebuffed. The submissive is perplexed because in her mind, he should WANT to be her Dom. Isn’t this what he wanted all along? The rationalization process then kicks into gear and she starts making a list of all of his dominant traits. Once she makes this detailed list the questions then begin:

How could he not want this?

Why doesn’t he want to take control?

He’s so opinionated about everything that he has to be a Dom.

He’s a leader at work so why doesn’t this come naturally to him!

I’m giving so much of myself; why doesn’t he want to give to me, too?

Having dominant traits does not make you a Dominant.

Your man may be the head of a department, own his own business, be a CEO, a CFO, a VP, or some other type of VIP, but it doesn’t mean he’s a Dom.

Your man may be the most masculine of all men. He may dominate the field or the court with his ball skills. He may be a sharp shooter. He may be a manly man, but it doesn’t mean he’s a Dom.

Your man may be highly respected in your community, the head of numerous committees, a self-starter if ever there was one, but doesn’t mean he’s a Dom.

Your man may be a high income earner. He may have a Ph.D. He may even be on the brink of finding a cure for cancer, but it doesn’t mean he’s a Dom.

Think of it this way – Do some of you ladies have dominant traits, but you know in your heart of hearts you’re a submissive? Your husband has to also know in his own heart that he’s a Dom. You can’t be the one to declare it for him. If he does make the determination that he is a Dominant he has to CHOOSE to be YOUR Dom. He’s going to look at your actions and will listen to your words to decide how and when he wants to go about this with you.

By the way, on his way to making his decision he’ll have some strong thoughts about you, too.

She’s a great wife, but I don’t think she can be the submissive I need.

She has her own mind and gets stubborn. Dominating her will be too much work.

I know more about this than she thinks I do and she has no idea what she’s trying to get herself into.

All she thinks about is what’s wrong between us. She’s too hard to satisfy.

Life is too hard right now and this is going to take my focus away from getting things done.

She’s too needy.

She’s never listened to me before. I don’t believe she can change.

I don’t want a robot and I don’t want her to change. I don’t want the woman I love to go away.

You have to weigh all of this out. You have to face some real questions and concerns. Before you go down this road you have to find out the man you’re really married to. Change has to start with you. Work on your submission first and let him notice on his own. Let him comment without your prompting. You may have to do this in microsteps, but there’s no rush. Life is still going on around you with all of its ups and downs and there will be a lot of starts and stops. His light bulb has to turn on the same way yours did and the best you can do is be the person he needs, not some idealized version you think he wants.

49 thoughts on “Can Your Husband Really Be Your Dom?

  1. This is excellent. This very thing has been on my mind lately and I agree completely that having dominant traits does not mean he’s Dominant. Another thing is that some think it’s only about topping during sex which it isn’t. The cerebral aspect of D/s is very much at play and is, in my opinion, an integral part of the relationship.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You say it better than I ever could. The truthiest truth is that just because a wife wants to be submissive to her husband doesn’t mean he wants her to be his submissive or thinks she’s capable. Married couples have a lot of history and if your behavior has been less than “submissive” in the past, it’s no leap for your spouse to think you’re not capable of it now.

    I agree with you, Elle. Microsteps. Prove yourself. Be submissive without the commands or the protocol. A lot of D/s (married or not) is being submissive with no kinky sex and few “rewards” because life gets in the way too much. But if someone believes in their soul they’re submissive, finding ways to serve is easier than they may realize.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really is the history that gets in the way. How you started out together, expectations fallen by the wayside, struggles, family…it’s a lot to overcome. As with any change you make, establishing a new trust foundation is key. Actions really do speak louder than words.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes,

    It IS work. If training and practices have to continually be repeated it gets old quickly.
    I speak as a Dom who grew tired of the effort required and lost interest.
    Life itself is a challenge let alone take on this intensity. Btw…quickly for Me defined was a 3 year D/s relationship.



    • Thank you so much for commenting. Both have to feel that their efforts are not in vain as I’m sure the was your feeling after working at a D/s relationship long term only to feel that the return on effort was not worth further effort. Many married couples cannot get past it because their past is littered with attempts. They may stay together because of the huge investments made (children, financial, security), but making a new effort seems almost insurmountable.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “He’s going to look at your actions and will listen to your words to decide how and when he wants to go about this with you.” I have seen that the best thing I can do is show consistency in my actions even when I’m screaming inside for wanting more. Also getting it through my head that it is ultimately whatever he is comfortable with. Not easy but I will take whatever he is willing to give. It’s made a huge change in us already.


    • That’s exactly it. If we want consistency then we need to give as much. Asking for more is much easier when we have proven that our actions and words are consistent and trustworthy.


  5. Great thought invoking post. As I read about the thoughts a husband might have to weigh I felt a little scared…ugh. I am needy,stubborn, and have been told hard to satisfy. Relationship is hard work…all those things that can sting. ALL the more reason to be greatful, appreciative that my husband has taken the role as my Dom. I really should spend my time perfecting myself NOT his domship.


  6. Excellent conversation development post. You can also mention a point about people changing in mid-D/s stream. What they wanted initially and followed through with for so many years, can change. Life isn’t static and BDSM isn’t static. Sometimes it gets uncomfortable until you find a new level of evenness. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well written, and unfortunately for many women, what they THINK they want as a Dom is what they have read about in books. In reality, the D/s lies in the smallest of everyday things, the things you have to remember almost without thinking. Some men are naturally Dominant, others aspire to it, but neither can achieve a Dominant role without humility, hard work, and a desire to learn. The same can be said for submissives. It’s about more than giving up control in the bedroom. And I agree with dievca, it isn’t static at all. There really isn’t any “arrival” point, but that’s part of the allure isn’t it? Not knowing what is just around the corner, but trusting your partner that you will both work to find equilibrium.


    • The heart of D/s take place outside of the bedroom/dungeon. D/s does not have to have any sexual activity whatsoever. It is who you are the person and how you relate to one other. I love that you said it takes humility because without it you go into the realm of knowing it all and when that happens you cannot grow.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Interesting post. Lots to think about here. If I look back at the beginning of our relationship, there were aspects of D/s from the beginning. And for a while it was just some bedroom fun for us (nothing wrong with that, just wasn’t a 24/7 type of thing for us then) Then at a certain point there was a decision to pursue ttwd more directly and it has become 24/7. But, reality is still much different than fantasy many times. That’s just life. There isn’t always time or energy for the sexy bedroom stuff, but that doesn’t mean that the overall mindset isn’t still in place. *tossing in my two cents*


    • Thank you so much for sharing. How I wish there was more time, but we all have busy lives with ups and downs that can exhaust us. Like you said, that overall mindset is what we really need to focus on and the rest will come along as time and energy permit. The hard part is dealing with the frustration when everything seems out of order. I really believe that the way we can get through the frustration is by sticking with rituals and protocols that help us focus.


  9. Truth! The work is hard and sometimes messy, and often you wonder if you’ll ever get to taste the sweet fruits of your efforts to cultivate this lifestyle. Then a day comes, perhaps just a moment, when you get a glimmer of light that TTWD is actually working, it’s making you both better and happier and you know you never want to go back to what you were! We have our stumbles, but I feel we are finally on the right path! Good thoughts Elle!


  10. Bit late to this party but thanks to a tip from “Married Submissive” I made it. Very thoughtful post and well worth her pointing out.

    This topic is understandably hard for many of a submissive mindset. I can only imagine that it must take a great deal of courage on many levels to open up to a partner about these feelings. But I have a point for your collective consideration.

    Others here have mentioned how past sins (of varied varietals) might play into this admission/request. It would be wise to approach this as your first submission. That means listening to the other very quietly and asking questions only after you have heard them out completely and have permission to raise questions. It would also be good to avoid challenging at this juncture. Can you do that? Sit quietly, listen, obey? I certainly hope so as you are requesting to do it again in the future! Doing otherwise amounts to no more than “bratting” out of the gate or attempting to “top from the bottom”. Remember that this is probably a new concept for both of you and essentially requires another courtship. You ask another to willingly take on a large and important load. A person in that role considers the one under them 24/7 in a way that others do not. With their newfound power comes great responsibility and both parties must grow into their roles.

    Pardon length but you made me think ma’am and I thank you for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for joining the party. I totally agree that this must be approached as a first submission. I’m sure there are many who jump in and say way too much out of the gate or they immediately go on the defense when any initial objection is raised. “The Ask” is delicate and it is why I always suggest that anyone who believes they are submissive must live that mindset first and foremost, regardless if he/she has a Dom. You must approach with extreme respect and at the proper time and in the proper place.

      I’m glad this has sparked some thought and conversation.


  11. Pingback: Marriage rant | wildwestangel

  12. This has all been so helpful! to focus my thoughts! Thank you so much for starting such an awesome conversation. Does any one here feel that a true, natural sub will conform to any and all desires of her Dom/Hubby? or does a real, natural sub have certain aspects in her submissiveness that may never mesh entirely with certain aspects of her Dom’s dominance? and if so, how can this be addressed in the formation of our particular dynamic as Dom/sub?


  13. A wonderful post here!!! I especially liked the end: “You may have to do this in microsteps, but there’s no rush. Life is still going on around you with all of its ups and downs and there will be a lot of starts and stops.”
    My husband and myself have been on this rollercoaster ride for over four years now and we’re still in the baby steps phase with all the starting and stopping. Hopefully one day there will be more consistency, but it’s on his schedule.


    • Thanks so much for commenting and joining the conversation. Every couple is so unique and there will be times it’s smooth sailing and other times its a rocky road. As long as you’re both in it for the long haul you will reap tremendous benefits and grow by leaps and bounds. Honestly, in my experience, there is no “arrival” point. Life keeps you on your toes that way. Congratulations on your 4 years.

      Liked by 1 person

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