I’m an empath. I don’t mean that in a Star Trek TNG Deanna Troi kind of way, but more of a tuned into the vibes of others kind of way….whether I want to be or not. I hesitate to share this because I don’t want the scrutiny. You will either believe it or you won’t. Nonetheless, I’ve spent years coming to terms with it and I know it’s as much a part of my makeup as being a submissive.
I can take on another’s feelings and get sucked into their intensity or anxiety, or worse, their anger. It’s like a mind and heart vacation when I come across people with innate kindness. You would think that being around kids or funny people would be ideal, but humans are humans and children and funny people can be extremely needy. It’s understandable with kids, but funny people can hold a lot of pain.
At times it’s as if I can read someone’s mind and it makes me run and want to hide because I don’t want all of that confusion in my mind. Some people are loud on the inside and exude feelings that are a sonic wave blast in my face. I have a hard enough time figuring out what I’m feeling let alone dealing with signals and messages of others that overwhelm me.
I never understood who or what I was and neither did my family. I came from a very angry family and I got out as early as I could. Their anger haunts me to this day. I love being around people and then I just don’t. I need time to process and sort my feelings. I can come away from an encounter feeling like I’m on top of the world and then the next day I want to pull the blanket over my head. I need the downtime, the alone time. Growing up I didn’t have privacy and it hurt me to not know how or why I needed to decompress.
So many years have been spent in confusion. I have a husband who isn’t phased by my ups and downs, which aren’t mood swings per se, but more like getting people out of my head. He knows I’m extremely intuitive, but I try so hard to avoid that side that I lean hard toward the logical and rational. I make mistakes when I try to be Mr. Spock because I fumble with people and situations like Sheldon and I end up getting hurt.
I have such a need to submit to my Dominant because it’s how I can truly focus. Hearing his voice so that all others get blocked out is amazing and puts everything in perspective. It’s not that I get swayed by others, but I get exhausted trying to avoid the bombardment of strong feelings getting thrown my way. On top of that, the 3x Libra in me (sun, moon, and ascending) doesn’t want anyone to feel bad and wants everything to be in balance so I scramble to line it all up. I need his strong and direct way to balance it all out.
Now that I’m working again I know I need so much more. I have to deal with so many personalities every day that strong, firm, consistent dominance is what pulls me back to my calm center. I’m yearning for it more than ever and our schedules make it so hard. We are figuring out a new way because it is a necessity to keep me going.
Our whole dynamic is changing and it will make us grow, I’m sure, but the day to day is frigging hard. I work four 10 hour days and have Mondays off through November. I spent the better part of last Monday crying and I did the same today. Crying because my kids are growing up too fast. Crying because I’m nervous about doing a good (no great) job at work. Crying because I’m so tired when I get home that I crash hard. Crying just because. Just because.