Sir and I have been married for 24 years. I love Him with an indescribable love because He saved me in so many ways and I truly do not believe I would be alive today without His strength and protection. Over the years I wanted to submit to Him, but had a warped view of what submission looked like and how to live it out in our lives and I pulled away from any form D/s and BDSM because of a bad experience. I saw ladies in the church (we’ve been in church leadership for many, many years) who spoke of submitting to their husbands and I witnessed those same husbands cheat on their wives and treat them horribly…domineering…mean…self-centered…egotistical. I had an up-close and personal view of what went on in their lives and I wanted no part of it because the women all seemed miserable and I cannot tell you how many times in woman’s fellowship there was talk of how to manipulate your husband. Sir never wanted me to be like those women…lacking desire, frozen, no passion, bitter. He would always attempt to lift me up, but I had nothing for Him, even though He would say that just the fact that I said “I do” was enough of a gift. He wanted me anyway He could have me. You would think I would be thrilled of His love declaration and our lives would be all sunshine and rainbows. No, it was not. My desire for Him would wax and wane, I felt frozen and without direction or purpose, my passion for life would drift and fade. I was becoming just like those women, yet I had a Husband who did not treat me like those men treated their wives. How could this be?
My Sir is an expert in training the human body. He started out playing football in college, but got injured so He turned to track and field. He was a superior athlete. He had pro try-outs, but he suffered a career ending injury. He went on to professionally model for a while and then an opportunity came up to coach football at a college. He took advantage of that and started building a career, then also coached track and field, which turned out to be His passion and he was fantastic at the sport. We met when He was coaching track. I told him I had been a sprinter in high school so He took me to the track and ordered me to run 40 meters so He could time me. I did it without hesitation and was still lightening fast. Over the next months He would try me out and ask me to do something physically strenuous and I would happily do it. He secured me into an arm blaster once and had me do a series of graduated free weight curls ascending and descending with reps and weights. I hurt, but somehow He willed me to do it and never took His eyes from mine. He pushed me harder than I had ever been pushed and I remember distinctly the endorphin rush that came over me and pain became pleasure. His praise upon my completion was intoxicating. We trained all the time and I was in incredible shape. My body turned Him on in dizzying ways.
He said everyone looked at me and it made Him proud because I was all His. I gave my body and mind to Him completely, but I just thought it was because I was crazy in love. “There’s no way I could keep that one up forever,” I thought. He wanted to start training me to seriously compete and I had the ability. I would try very hard to let Him train me over the next couple of years, but I just couldn’t stop fighting Him…hard and loud and with all the New York Italian I could possibly muster up to show Him that He couldn’t control me…and I didn’t know why I would do that. Looking back on it, I think the pleasure/pain realization scared me. How do I tell Him I enjoy the pain and how do we make that happen outside the gym? I was actually mad at myself because good girls weren’t supposed to feel that way. I was terribly confused.
He was beyond frustrated and annoyed with me. I had stopped being the compliant girl that offered herself to Him. I got to the point that when I said I would no longer try to compete that I stopped working out all together. He went on to coach college football and then college and high school track and have many successes coaching high level competitive athletes from around the world, as well as building a very high-end clientele; all the while I barely did anything for me. Every now and then He would remark that I really could have made something of myself. I would work out here and there, but He wanted me to be in the best possible shape and I resented Him for saying it because I knew that in order to really turn him on I needed a rock hard body and it just seemed so far out of my reach. I know the level of commitment it takes and I was so very tired. As time went on he said all He wanted from me was for me to just be healthy and in good enough shape so we could live a long life together. He never put my body down, He never yelled, but His desire for me started to fade and we bickered and argued all the time. I didn’t think I would even get to the point of “good enough” and I just wanted to give up altogether.
We waited 13 years to have children and it marked a new direction in our lives, naturally. We moved to where we now live with the sole purpose of shaking off the toxic situation that I was in with my job and to finally start the family we always wanted. I obeyed Him implicitly in all our preparations, going above and beyond His expectations because I knew he could rescue me and I needed to be rescued. I wanted change and without thinking, I just followed. Then, the months spent trying to get pregnant was a thrill because we just let go. We had two healthy, beautiful children, who are the light of our lives. I began performing, directing, and writing for an improvisational theater group (I went to school for theater), we found a church, made many friends, and life was good. Then a health issue for me started to become my undoing and the happiness started to die…again…and that’s when I hit rock bottom. I gained weight, had terrible bouts of insomnia, and as a result, started sleeping on the couch (when I could sleep). Sex almost stopped altogether, and the only energy I ever had was used for the kids. Then the bad economy hit us hard and He had to start all over again and we were miserable.
What do you do when you hit bottom? You either give up the fight and slowly die or you start to climb out. Thank God I’m a fighter and a climber. I did a lot of research on my condition, got a new doctor who got my auto-immune disease under control and she helped me balance out my hormones. It took close to a year to get the health issue under control, but by that time my body had taken a beating. If we did have sex I insisted we stay under the covers because I was just so ashamed of my body. A good friend challenged me to read for pure pleasure to help my libido. Needless to say, she introduced me to the 50 Shades’ series and remarkably, I started to feel a twinge of hope and desire faintly staring to kindle. I remember the day I made the decision to submit to Him. I longed for Him to pursue me like He did when we were first together, to just take me and not let me have any control, but He never would. I had to almost always initiate sex and then in the middle of it, if I made a suggestion or asked Him a question, He would say that I was being bossy and sex would become a “just finish” situation. I created a horrible situation because I kept pushing Him away by not submitting to Him and letting Him lead me and our family. He was slipping away. I went to Him one night and told him that I loved Him. I told Him that I will not allow myself to withdraw from Him anymore and that I would submit to Him. I don’t think He believed me entirely, but we did start having sex frequently and with a lot more passion. After that I stopped sleeping on the couch and claimed my side of the bed.
I saw glimpses of what could be, read everything I could find, and over a relatively short time I worked up enough nerve (even scheduling it on my phone’s calendar so I wouldn’t chicken out) to tell him that I wanted a D/s ~ BDSM marriage and He in turn said YES. Now we’re on this journey of self-discovery, exploring our desires and fantasies, and figuring out our brand of BDSM. He allowed me to start calling Him Sir, which was HUGE and then out of the blue, He started calling me His original nickname for me from long, long ago. He really needed to know that I was truly submitted to Him and the more I followed His lead and submitted, from voluntarily sitting at His feet while He strokes my hair to waking up before His alarm goes off (which is usually 4:30 am) to make sure I prepare His breakfast and lunch for the day, the more He lavishes on me. He has a new-found confidence and His business has exploded…all in less than a year! He has to be the expert and the one fully in charge for what He does and I saw that my submission made Him grow even more as a leader in His profession. Then it dawned on me…THIS IS MY GIFT! I put the pieces of the puzzle together that I had desire, passion, and lust only when I ever displayed any level of submissiveness to Him and most surprisingly to me, found out that I loved to be spanked. He in turn adored me for it and it enabled Him to take control of His profession, in spite of the economy and obstacles.
Now He is working on getting me in the shape He always wanted me to keep up and I let him…I enjoy it…want it…crave it! We use exercise in our play scenes and he knows what he’s doing (start with what you know). He has me doing a variety of exercises everyday and about three times a week he inspects me. He has me remove all my clothes and then he’ll tell me to get in a position of his choosing (sitting wall squats or side plank…something really hard to hold for a long period of time). Then He starts working His hands all over my body and between my legs checking for tone and checking my reactions. I guess you would say this is a form of BDSM humiliation, but I’m not ashamed anymore and I think of it more as exposing my vulnerability so I can give that to Him and He can build me back up.
Who knew bondage would become our freedom?