Come On Baby, Make It Hurt So Good: An Impact Play Guide

So you’re interested in impact play? Spanking, flogging, caning, and whipping has you intrigued. Maybe you’ve played around a bit, but now you want to get serious. I can totally relate, but you need to know a few things first. Whether you’re an expert or newbie, the rules remain the same and just winging it isn’t the smartest thing to do and as a matter of fact, is dangerous. Let me first give a warning: If you think impact play is an excuse to beat the shit out of your girlfriend and get away with it because you use the excuse that it’s “consensual, ” you’re a criminal that needs to be locked up in jail as this moron will soon find out: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-50-shades-of-grey-uic-sex-charge-20150223-story.html

I am not an expert by any stretch, but I have an awful lot of common sense, a hefty dose of street smarts, and have cultivated a knowledge base over the last three years because we rely on the advice of others who have climbed this mountain and have years and years of training, mentoring, and real life experience. If you’re going to do this then do it right so it can be the amazing experience you’ve always dreamed it to be.

OK, let’s get started. Before you jump in and start smacking you need to read up. Yes, you’re going to have to READ so stop being lazy about it and do your homework. A good place to start is with the following very interesting article that some of you may take issue with and find controversial, but I exhort you to take what the author is saying into consideration: Facts and Myths About BDSM Safety

Now that we have that out of the way (and feel free to bring it up in comments), here are the areas you will need to understand:

1) What is Impact Play

BDSM 101 — Impact Play

2) RACK, SSC, 4Cs

From “SSC” and “RACK” to the “4Cs”: Introducing a new Framework for Negotiating BDSM Participation

3) Negotiation

The Seductive Art of Negotiation

Private Duty: Negotiation

4) Safe Words

Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #2: Safewords and Check-Ins 

When safe words are ignored

5) Consent

CONSENT and BDSM: The State of the Law

6) How, when, and where to strike

BDSM Basics: Impact Play Safe Zones and Spanking Tips

7) Endorphins

Know the science behind those wonderful feel good hormones:

http://www.rosecoloredasses.com/sirreal/bdsmscience.htm

A step-by-step guide to achieving subspace through impact play:

http://friskybusinessboutique.com/the-endorphin-levels-in-bdsm/

A relatively unknown condition called “Endorphin Shock”

http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Endorphin_Shock

8) First Aid (It is also a good idea for Dom and sub to get certified in first aid and CPR)

BDSM medical advice

http://www.evilmonk.org/a/medtext.cfm

Submissive Guide has a free printable for easy reference called Physical Aftercare and First Aid Quick Reference that you can download.

Beyond Whips and Chains: What Medical Students Need to Know About BDSM

Going to the Doctor with Kink-Related Marks or Bruises

First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and Other After Play Marks

9) Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare

As you can see, there’s so much that goes into impact play. Start off slow and make sure you are with someone you can truly trust, and even then, take every reasonable and necessary precaution. You are not in competition with anyone and it’s perfectly fine to be a beginner at this. As a matter of fact, you gain tons of cool points if you lean towards the side of caution.

On a personal note, I encourage both Dom and sub to workout and stretch on a regular basis. You have to take care of your body if you’re going to engage in impact play. There is a connection between your mind and body that needs to be practiced regularly, but if you’re sedentary or even just mildly active it’s too easy for a disconnect to happen. If your body is not used to pushing itself physically you may have some very unpleasant experiences during impact play. Training on a regular basis also teaches your body how to recover as it gets used to getting hormones back to normal after surges.

Be healthy, be smart, and enjoy!

XO ~ Elle

BDSM Scene Preparation

We don’t do big scenes weekly or even bi-monthly. I just heard your collective sighs, but really, it’s OK. We have lots of sex and intimacy, a good smattering of amuse-bouche, and at least one good “scenette” monthly, as conditions allow (a little afternoon delight while the kids are at school or at some sort of daytime function for a couple of hours). The epic type of scenes – the kind that last a few hours and wring every last little bit of pain and pleasure out of you – the kind that turn you into a sated, sweaty, quivering mass of sub-spaced giggling slap-me-happy – those delicious coveted times usually only happen every 4-6 weeks because the kids MUST be at a sleepover and there cannot be a hundred projects going on. We have to plan it and work towards it by clearing the path for it to happen. There are times life interferes and all our plans go up in smoke because someone gets sick or an unexpected event comes up that we must attend. C’est la vie. The demands of our life just don’t afford us the luxury of carving out that amount of time as frequently as we desire. The good news in all of this is that a lot of sexy scene anticipation occurs leading up to it, and that is all part of the fun, because so much of D/s is in the mind.

First things first – about four days or so before I clean our Master bedroom and bath top to bottom and inside-out. I want our haven to be clean and serene. No clutter, dust, laundry, or papers! The last thing I want is to see junk sitting in a pile because that kind of distraction messes with my state of mind and I start worrying about the never ending to-do list. I want to free-fall into submissive head space without the demands of life impeding on our precious time together. Make sure your play space is as sexy and as appealing as you can make it. It’s a fact that the nicer something is the better it’s taken care of. I hate cleaning (because I can be a perfectionist in this area and drive myself crazy) and I could just as soon avoid cleaning altogether. My main motivation to clean anything is 1) the possibility of people coming over and 2) Our playtime. Whatever works, right? Question: Why does the Master bedroom turn into the place where things get hidden from company? Probably because NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN THERE!

Helpful Hint: As much as we love our kids, we do not have photos of them in our Master bedroom. WTF, you say? No, really. There are tons of photos of them all over the house, as well as pics of grandmas, grandpas and the rest of the extended family, but not in our bedroom. They are distraction in a room made for love, sex, and play. Come on, do you really want to be tied to the bed post while being flogged and look over to see your sweet little cherub-cheeked angel looking back at you? Not me, thank you very much! That’s a cock blocker and and orgasm deflater. Instead, make sure you have photos of the two of you together (and not the ones with your ugly 80s perm). Photos of the two of you having fun and enjoying each other are good. Make this room your special place. Capice?

About two days out I check on everything we need. This is fairly easy because we always clean up and put things away as soon as possible after we use our toys and equipment. Still, I check to see if any toys need batteries or if I need to replenish any lubes, oils, wax, candles, recovery drinks and supplements, or aftercare items such as arnica or aloe vera gel. I make sure everything is in good condition and that it’s all in its rightful place. I’ll usually rub down all our leather items with leather conditioning cream, too.

We have plenty of special sex towels and wash cloths that we use so I make sure everything has been laundered. Here’s a tip (hotels do this): all the towels and wash cloths that we use for sex are white because they need to get washed and bleached in hot water in order for them to be thoroughly sanitized and clean. You know sex is messy, right? We still have a wipes warmer from the kids’ baby days and I find it’s perfect for keeping about six wash cloths moist and warm for easy clean up after sex. I just run the wash cloths under very hot water, wring them out, roll them up, and put them in the warmer about an hour before we play. Coach lovingly cleans me as part of aftercare and there’s nothing like the feel of soothing warm wash cloths. It makes us feel like we’re flying first class.

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Prince Lionheart Warmies Wipes Warmer.

We also have a super absorbent blanket (squirters can relate to the need for this) and a couple of satin sheets that we drape over the bed so we don’t have to wash our comforter and sheets. Did I mention that sex is messy? Squirting aside, we’ve had some lube accidents a time or two.

The day before I take care of me. I always try to get my Brazilian sugaring done the day before. I don’t wax, I sugar because it is SO MUCH BETTER. I go to an amazing place that that has a lot of kinky clients (it’s where all the strippers go) and the girls there are a hoot! They know I’m a sub, too, so I have the freedom to be open and talk. They’re discreet because their clientele demands it of them. This place is gold! P.S. Coach goes there for his Brazilian sugar as well.

“Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love”

I then make my way over to a little Indian salon to get my eyebrows and upper lip threaded. Women from all walks of life come here to watch whatever Bollywood movie is playing on their big screen and to have their eyebrows expertly shaped to perfection using nothing more than cotton thread! These women get absolutely every little hair and do it so crazy fast that you don’t have time to worry about it hurting. My brows are a breeze for me, but OMG my upper lip makes my eyes well up with tears. I’ve come to find out that it’s the most sensitive part on my body. I went to Sally’s and purchased a numbing agent for my upper lip because it’s the only way I can get through it. I used to wax my upper lip myself, but no product got all of those tiny hairs. Threading is the way to go. Get this, no appointment is necessary and with tip I only pay $15! I have to time this trip carefully because if it’s afternoon on a Friday or any given Saturday they can get crowded. Even with all that demand I’ve never had to wait more than 30 min and I’m done in less than 10. It’s in the perfect location because right across the street is our favorite sex toy store. Don’t you just love convenience?

Yes, that’s me getting threaded. Don’t you dare say a word about my grey roots! Guess where I head to next? Yup, the sex toy store!

If I need to get my hair done then this is the day I do it. See why I need to plan? And you thought it was just making sure the kids got dropped off at their Aunt’s house. Don’t you know me by now?

I like to wait until the day of to get a manicure (if I need it). I cook and do a lot of crafty things at home so my hands take a beating (and you thought it was only my ass) so I try to stay on top of my hands on a daily basis, but I will most certainly get a pedicure. Do you have any idea how much I love a long, spa pedi? Well, you do now. I have a bit of an obsession with keeping my feet super soft (no yucky calluses) and pretty because I live in a very dry climate and if I didn’t take care of them my feet would look like hell, but the pedi is my extra indulgence and Coach allows me plenty of indulgences. Coach will only allow me to use reds or pinks on my nails so I usually do a nude or light pink on my fingernails, but with my toes I go into the super dark reds. Damn, it makes me feel sexy.

I try to take it easy on the day of because I want all my energy. I make sure the night before I go to bed on time so the next day I feel good. In the morning I shave my legs and underarms (I never get those parts sugared) and I make sure I exfoliate everywhere. I put on lotion at this time so my skin is soft. I will drink plenty of water throughout the day and eat really well (no gassy food, know what I mean?). If I can take a nap during the day I will. I’ll take a dip in the tub awhile before, but will not use any lotion at that time. I don’t want to be slippery and I also don’t want competing scents. I put some vanilla essential oil in the bath water because Coach loves that scent on me as it mixes well with my body chemistry. I do my hair the way he requests and he may or may not ask me to put on makeup. I will dress according to his instructions or he may not want me wearing anything at all. I love the excitement of all of this and as I receive his instructions my submission deepens. I may play some music while I’m preparing that will help me relax and focus. We almost always have candles lit for the ambiance and even for the scent. Coach will mix up an energy drink for us as well as make a special recovery drink for the both of us to have on hand. We also make sure we have snacks ready for after play (cut up pineapple and some protein, like chicken).

Apart from all of these preparations, Coach will give me assignments over the weeks and days as well as specific instructions of what he wants. So if he wants wax then I make sure we have everything for wax play. If he wants to add in ice to that play then I make some ice dildos. I bet that got your attention. Do you have any idea how amazing it feels when he goes back and forth between the hot wax and the cold of the ice? I’m squeezing my thighs together just thinking about it.

Can you tell I just ooze with joy at the thought of all of this? We had an amazing time on Valentine’s Day, which was our 26th wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous scene that had me flying all the next day. We are planning out our next scene together and I can’t wait to find out what we’ll be doing. I am already feverish with anticipation.

 

Amuse-bouche

amuse-bouche (uh-MYUZ-boosh) noun

Similar to but not to be confused with hors d’oeuvre. This is a tidbit, often tiny, served as a free extra to keep you happy while you are waiting for your first course to come. It gives you an idea of the chef’s approach to cooking and the restaurant’s attention to your appetite.

[From French, literally, “mouth amuser”, from amuser (to amuse) + bouche (mouth). It’s more informal twin, amuse-gueule, is the same thing, but may be considered vulgar in some circles. Gueule is the French term for an animal’s mouth, bouche for a human’s.]

Sex and play comes in many forms for us. There are times when we tenderly make love and we form a peaceful and spiritual connection that transcends. There are other times when sex is a fun-filled boisterous romp and we play and laugh and tickle and squeal. We have primal times when we’re licking and biting and tearing into each other like wild beasts and I’m flipped and tossed and practically torn to pieces. There are times when it’s all about his pleasure and he just bends me over and has his way with me. There are other times when it’s all about my pleasure and he makes me cum over and over and over. All of these amazing times are fairly spontaneous or one morphs into another. Time, energy, mood, and homelife all contribute to how and when so we’re forced to be flexible.

And then there is the planned scene. These are unique times for us because we find we don’t always have the opportunity to do that we want to do to the extent we want to do it. These times, especially due to our schedules and homelife, take planning. Our scenes are very physical and when Coach’s sadistic side has lined up with my masochistic side we are loud and we don’t want to feel like the clock is ticking away and we have to hurry things up. It’s been hard to plan the last few months so what I’ve been getting instead is an assortment of amuse-bouche. I get a taste of the Chef’s creativity and desire. My mouth is amused and I want more, so much more, but we never get to the full meal.