I will wait and kneel
The earth may fall away around me
But here I stay
And the last song played is our song
I will wait and kneel
The earth may fall away around me
But here I stay
And the last song played is our song
So you’re interested in impact play? Spanking, flogging, caning, and whipping has you intrigued. Maybe you’ve played around a bit, but now you want to get serious. I can totally relate, but you need to know a few things first. Whether you’re an expert or newbie, the rules remain the same and just winging it isn’t the smartest thing to do and as a matter of fact, is dangerous. Let me first give a warning: If you think impact play is an excuse to beat the shit out of your girlfriend and get away with it because you use the excuse that it’s “consensual, ” you’re a criminal that needs to be locked up in jail as this moron will soon find out: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-50-shades-of-grey-uic-sex-charge-20150223-story.html
I am not an expert by any stretch, but I have an awful lot of common sense, a hefty dose of street smarts, and have cultivated a knowledge base over the last three years because we rely on the advice of others who have climbed this mountain and have years and years of training, mentoring, and real life experience. If you’re going to do this then do it right so it can be the amazing experience you’ve always dreamed it to be.
OK, let’s get started. Before you jump in and start smacking you need to read up. Yes, you’re going to have to READ so stop being lazy about it and do your homework. A good place to start is with the following very interesting article that some of you may take issue with and find controversial, but I exhort you to take what the author is saying into consideration: Facts and Myths About BDSM Safety
Now that we have that out of the way (and feel free to bring it up in comments), here are the areas you will need to understand:
1) What is Impact Play
2) RACK, SSC, 4Cs
4) Safe Words
6) How, when, and where to strike
Know the science behind those wonderful feel good hormones:
A step-by-step guide to achieving subspace through impact play:
A relatively unknown condition called “Endorphin Shock”
8) First Aid (It is also a good idea for Dom and sub to get certified in first aid and CPR)
BDSM medical advice
Submissive Guide has a free printable for easy reference called Physical Aftercare and First Aid Quick Reference that you can download.
As you can see, there’s so much that goes into impact play. Start off slow and make sure you are with someone you can truly trust, and even then, take every reasonable and necessary precaution. You are not in competition with anyone and it’s perfectly fine to be a beginner at this. As a matter of fact, you gain tons of cool points if you lean towards the side of caution.
On a personal note, I encourage both Dom and sub to workout and stretch on a regular basis. You have to take care of your body if you’re going to engage in impact play. There is a connection between your mind and body that needs to be practiced regularly, but if you’re sedentary or even just mildly active it’s too easy for a disconnect to happen. If your body is not used to pushing itself physically you may have some very unpleasant experiences during impact play. Training on a regular basis also teaches your body how to recover as it gets used to getting hormones back to normal after surges.
Be healthy, be smart, and enjoy!
XO ~ Elle
We need to talk; girl to girl, wife to wife, sub to sub. I have so much I need to tell you and you’ve been on my mind for a while. You deserve to hear the unadulterated truth about this new world you’ve chosen to pursue. It’s not as easy as being handed a key by your husband and unlocking a jewelry box filled with priceless gems. The overwhelming majority of you will have to carefully and strategically ease open this particular oyster that both you and your husband dug for together in order to acquire the precious pearl and you’ll have to use specific tools and techniques. Some of you may even open your own personal Pandora’s Box. Epimetheus insisted that his wife, Pandora, obey the letter of the label. Epimetheus left for a few hours, but Pandora’s gift of curiosity took over. The box was entrusted to them by Zeus, but she felt Zeus was wrong to tell them not to open it. As the story goes, Pandora disobeyed and opened the box unleashing all the evils of the world, but the very last thing to come out of the box was hope. I need you to remember that because hope is a powerful force and it will help guide you home should you lose your way.
Why am I the one writing you this letter? Well, why the hell not? I see a need and I wish a letter like this was available for me when I first started exploring because it would have saved me a lot of frustration, heartache, and tears. I hope you find the information I share with you here to be valuable and that you seriously take into consideration the knowledge and wisdom I gained through the trial and error lessons I learned painstakingly over the last three years. If I could have avoided that kind of schooling I would have jumped at the chance because I would have had more peace on this journey.
I know that you’re crazy excited right now and it feels like a whole new world of possibilities are before you. You want to grab it all and have it all right this very minute. You have a feeling of freedom because you’ve finally owned up to who you are, but it’s mixed with trepidation due to so much mind boggling information out there and you just can’t afford to mess this up with your husband. Whether you’ve always known you’re submissive and hid it, or your submission was dormant and has just been awakened, you want to be your 100% sexy-ass-sultry-submissive-self gracefully kneeling like in a tumblr photo and for your husband to be his 100% manly-man-Dominant-self expertly leading you in all his powerful “Dom-ness” RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN IT! Whoa, slow down there tumblr addict, I totally get it…
I just lost some of you because you don’t want to hear a BUT about anything. You want to hear YES! YES! YES! That’s called submissive frenzy. For unattached submissives that are just coming into the lifestyle, submissive frenzy is more of the quest to find a Dominant. In your case it is the quest to
force change transform your husband into becoming your Dominant. This is a very slippery slope, subbie, and the advice out there on how to successfully do this is practically nil (look below for some of the few helpful links I could find). So what does newly submissive married woman frenzy look like? You want to be dominated now and you’re going to make sure he knows it. You tell him you read some things and you see yourself in it. You tell him you’ve always felt this way and this is what you want. You maybe even beg and plead for him to try this with you. You text and email him endlessly every article you can find so he knows exactly how a Dom is supposed to act. You buy books and load them on his tablet and you read blog post after blog post and feel like you’ve found your tribe (more on that later on). You cajole, cry, beg, manipulate, entice, seduce, remind, and maybe even threaten divorce. For some of you this is a race against time because you feel like your marriage is over and you think a D/s dynamic can save it. Some of you think your husband displays enough dominant traits that he must be a Dom and he’ll soon see himself in something you show him and jump on board. Some of you want to feel wanted and needed and loved because he just doesn’t pay attention anymore. Others of you are so starved for sex that you’re trying desperately to spice things up and bring back the kink. I know that many, many, many of you are genuine and are being extremely sincere in your efforts.
Let’s take a look at a few things you need to know about what really goes into a D/s relationship so you can better understand your own feelings, needs, and motives. These are the bare bones basics and is not a comprehensive list:
1) There is absolutely no guarantee that a D/s relationship will help an already ailing marriage. All D/s relationships, whether or not you’re married, are about honesty, trust, humility, patience, sensitivity, communication, negotiation, and genuineness – all the attributes of a good marriage or any kind of healthy relationship. Before you include a specific type of power exchange into your marriage you need to work on these qualities and take ownership of them simply because it behooves your relationship to do so. They don’t magically appear when a collar goes around a sub’s neck because they already need to be intrinsic to the relationship. Once you have that foundation you can start implementing a power exchange. You see, the D/s dynamic takes these elements much deeper and puts them on steroids. Your true selves will be revealed in every way and if the marriage needs work D/s won’t be a panacea.
2) You can still keep the vanilla! Vanilla isn’t a bad thing, but many will tell you it kills D/s. Liars! Vanilla only means life outside the D/s dynamic and BDSM activities. All sex is good sex if you’re doing it right. We enjoy vanilla sex, we enjoy kinky sex, we enjoy primal sex, we enjoy sex that includes bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic activities. I crave slow, passionate making love sex and completely enjoy hard, rough, peel me off the ceiling sex and I will bet your husband does, too. If you start insisting certain aspects of sexual activity that he enjoys cease in your sex life because it’s considered vanilla, you’re asking for him to shut you down. You are, in essence, telling him he’s a terrible lover and who wants that kind of rejection? Not a good way to start. How about this – what if he only wants vanilla sex, but wants the D/s dynamic? Did you just gasp? Read number 3.
3) D/s doesn’t mean sexual activity. Nope, it doesn’t. D/s is who you are and how you communicate and interact with one another. It is one person giving power over to other in a consensual exchange. It is an exchange of minds and hearts in a very special dance that draws out the fullness of your being. It is a way of life. BDSM activities are what you do that doesn’t necessarily include sex the way porn would have you believe. Can you be a submissive without being Dominated sexually? It’s a hard question that must be asked. See if you can live as a submissive on your own for a while. I bet there are things he’s wanted you to do and you’ve never done them. Don’t wait for some kind of formal rule list to be written up and elaborate protocols to be put into place before you start submitting. If he’s always wanted you to stop biting your nails or wants you to make the bed on a regular basis or workout everyday JUST DO IT! Obey what you already know to obey.
4) He may want to be a submissive or a switch. Don’t assume your husband is a Dom, even if he exhibits dominate traits. You may exhibit dominant traits, but you’ll swear on a stack of bibles that you’re a tried and true submissive. This can be a tricky one because it may be extremely hard for him to let you know, especially if you’re insisting on being the only submissive in the relationship. He may want to be a switch and Top for some things and bottom for others. You must be willing to take this seriously and consider all possibilities.
5) He may want to confine all D/s activities to the bedroom only and outside life to continue as normal. There are many couples who do that and are very fulfilled. Many couples start that way and gradually start incorporating D/s into more aspects of their lives. You do what works for the both of you and don’t feel some kind of pressure to be a 24/7 submissive.
6) Physical punishment isn’t a requirement and neither is pain of any kind. Just because you’re a submissive it doesn’t automatically make you a masochist and he doesn’t have to be a sadist if he’s a Dom. Many couples enjoy more of a sensual style that incorporates various forms of bondage, like Shibari, and sensory exploration such as wax play and feather tickling. Your husband may not want to spank you or you may not want to be spanked. It’s OK, really.
Look, there’s no such thing as a 50 Shades of Grey lifestyle and anyone who’s using that rhetoric to draw you in is playing you. It was a piece of fiction and real life D/s is so very different. What you liked was the kinky sex and that he paid attention to her all the time. That’s what you really want. You want your husband to notice you and tell you he craves you. You want to feel his love to your core. You want the fire and passion you had when you were younger. You want to feel connected to him in every way and feel taken care of and cherished. Don’t buy into someone trying to capitalize off of your good intentions and dare I say, desperation. The advice they give you can cause irreparable harm. I was once given some really horrible “advice” by a so-called submissive when I was at an all-time low point and had I followed it Coach and I would be divorced right now. Know what I did? I told her to fuck off. Use your head and keep your bullshit meter going all the time.
An overly romanticized picture has been painted that no human can possibly live up to (psst…these people don’t live up to it either). Don’t get me wrong, there’s room for lots of romance and thrill. Just know that there are many novices out there posing as experts and mentors. Most of them have never stepped inside a real event or even met anyone in their local community. They’ve also never written any kind of fact-based cited article (let alone a book), but they’ve read all the D/s and BDSM books out there and memorized the terminology of the lifestyle so they can recite it like a parrot. They speak of protocol and mindfulness and wear their submission like some sort of garter belt clad super-sub, cape and all. They want you to know that they’re there for you and looking out for you. How selfless are they! Their own opinions mean the world to them and they want you to know every single one of them. They’ve devised their own methods and ways of doing things and have even cultivated “cute” terminology of their own. They work very hard at keeping you attached so you don’t wander away and seek out others who can help you because only they know who you truly are and what you need. You’ll be told time and time again that you have so much in common and are just like them. They collect submissive friends like your grandmother collected Beanie Babies in the 90s, but in the end you’re just one of many and if you don’t have any more value (meaning you’re not so helpless anymore and can no longer inflate their already over-inflated ego) your friendship is no longer required and you are dismissed.
Did that sound harsh? You bet it did. Doesn’t it all sound so very middle/high school? It’s out there, ladies, so use your common sense and don’t get lulled into false comradery. Your tribe can and should be made up of a variety of people from many walks of life because strength is always found in diversity. Choose your sources wisely because this is YOUR life and no one can tell you how to live it. Learn from those trusted and vetted in the community because their many years of experience will give you sound advice.
I’m glad we had this chat. We’ll talk again real soon, I’m sure.Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
We don’t do big scenes weekly or even bi-monthly. I just heard your collective sighs, but really, it’s OK. We have lots of sex and intimacy, a good smattering of amuse-bouche, and at least one good “scenette” monthly, as conditions allow (a little afternoon delight while the kids are at school or at some sort of daytime function for a couple of hours). The epic type of scenes – the kind that last a few hours and wring every last little bit of pain and pleasure out of you – the kind that turn you into a sated, sweaty, quivering mass of sub-spaced giggling slap-me-happy – those delicious coveted times usually only happen every 4-6 weeks because the kids MUST be at a sleepover and there cannot be a hundred projects going on. We have to plan it and work towards it by clearing the path for it to happen. There are times life interferes and all our plans go up in smoke because someone gets sick or an unexpected event comes up that we must attend. C’est la vie. The demands of our life just don’t afford us the luxury of carving out that amount of time as frequently as we desire. The good news in all of this is that a lot of sexy scene anticipation occurs leading up to it, and that is all part of the fun, because so much of D/s is in the mind.
First things first – about four days or so before I clean our Master bedroom and bath top to bottom and inside-out. I want our haven to be clean and serene. No clutter, dust, laundry, or papers! The last thing I want is to see junk sitting in a pile because that kind of distraction messes with my state of mind and I start worrying about the never ending to-do list. I want to free-fall into submissive head space without the demands of life impeding on our precious time together. Make sure your play space is as sexy and as appealing as you can make it. It’s a fact that the nicer something is the better it’s taken care of. I hate cleaning (because I can be a perfectionist in this area and drive myself crazy) and I could just as soon avoid cleaning altogether. My main motivation to clean anything is 1) the possibility of people coming over and 2) Our playtime. Whatever works, right? Question: Why does the Master bedroom turn into the place where things get hidden from company? Probably because NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN THERE!
Helpful Hint: As much as we love our kids, we do not have photos of them in our Master bedroom. WTF, you say? No, really. There are tons of photos of them all over the house, as well as pics of grandmas, grandpas and the rest of the extended family, but not in our bedroom. They are distraction in a room made for love, sex, and play. Come on, do you really want to be tied to the bed post while being flogged and look over to see your sweet little cherub-cheeked angel looking back at you? Not me, thank you very much! That’s a cock blocker and and orgasm deflater. Instead, make sure you have photos of the two of you together (and not the ones with your ugly 80s perm). Photos of the two of you having fun and enjoying each other are good. Make this room your special place. Capice?
About two days out I check on everything we need. This is fairly easy because we always clean up and put things away as soon as possible after we use our toys and equipment. Still, I check to see if any toys need batteries or if I need to replenish any lubes, oils, wax, candles, recovery drinks and supplements, or aftercare items such as arnica or aloe vera gel. I make sure everything is in good condition and that it’s all in its rightful place. I’ll usually rub down all our leather items with leather conditioning cream, too.
We have plenty of special sex towels and wash cloths that we use so I make sure everything has been laundered. Here’s a tip (hotels do this): all the towels and wash cloths that we use for sex are white because they need to get washed and bleached in hot water in order for them to be thoroughly sanitized and clean. You know sex is messy, right? We still have a wipes warmer from the kids’ baby days and I find it’s perfect for keeping about six wash cloths moist and warm for easy clean up after sex. I just run the wash cloths under very hot water, wring them out, roll them up, and put them in the warmer about an hour before we play. Coach lovingly cleans me as part of aftercare and there’s nothing like the feel of soothing warm wash cloths. It makes us feel like we’re flying first class.
We also have a super absorbent blanket (squirters can relate to the need for this) and a couple of satin sheets that we drape over the bed so we don’t have to wash our comforter and sheets. Did I mention that sex is messy? Squirting aside, we’ve had some lube accidents a time or two.
The day before I take care of me. I always try to get my Brazilian sugaring done the day before. I don’t wax, I sugar because it is SO MUCH BETTER. I go to an amazing place that that has a lot of kinky clients (it’s where all the strippers go) and the girls there are a hoot! They know I’m a sub, too, so I have the freedom to be open and talk. They’re discreet because their clientele demands it of them. This place is gold! P.S. Coach goes there for his Brazilian sugar as well.
“Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love”
I then make my way over to a little Indian salon to get my eyebrows and upper lip threaded. Women from all walks of life come here to watch whatever Bollywood movie is playing on their big screen and to have their eyebrows expertly shaped to perfection using nothing more than cotton thread! These women get absolutely every little hair and do it so crazy fast that you don’t have time to worry about it hurting. My brows are a breeze for me, but OMG my upper lip makes my eyes well up with tears. I’ve come to find out that it’s the most sensitive part on my body. I went to Sally’s and purchased a numbing agent for my upper lip because it’s the only way I can get through it. I used to wax my upper lip myself, but no product got all of those tiny hairs. Threading is the way to go. Get this, no appointment is necessary and with tip I only pay $15! I have to time this trip carefully because if it’s afternoon on a Friday or any given Saturday they can get crowded. Even with all that demand I’ve never had to wait more than 30 min and I’m done in less than 10. It’s in the perfect location because right across the street is our favorite sex toy store. Don’t you just love convenience?
If I need to get my hair done then this is the day I do it. See why I need to plan? And you thought it was just making sure the kids got dropped off at their Aunt’s house. Don’t you know me by now?
I like to wait until the day of to get a manicure (if I need it). I cook and do a lot of crafty things at home so my hands take a beating (and you thought it was only my ass) so I try to stay on top of my hands on a daily basis, but I will most certainly get a pedicure. Do you have any idea how much I love a long, spa pedi? Well, you do now. I have a bit of an obsession with keeping my feet super soft (no yucky calluses) and pretty because I live in a very dry climate and if I didn’t take care of them my feet would look like hell, but the pedi is my extra indulgence and Coach allows me plenty of indulgences. Coach will only allow me to use reds or pinks on my nails so I usually do a nude or light pink on my fingernails, but with my toes I go into the super dark reds. Damn, it makes me feel sexy.
I try to take it easy on the day of because I want all my energy. I make sure the night before I go to bed on time so the next day I feel good. In the morning I shave my legs and underarms (I never get those parts sugared) and I make sure I exfoliate everywhere. I put on lotion at this time so my skin is soft. I will drink plenty of water throughout the day and eat really well (no gassy food, know what I mean?). If I can take a nap during the day I will. I’ll take a dip in the tub awhile before, but will not use any lotion at that time. I don’t want to be slippery and I also don’t want competing scents. I put some vanilla essential oil in the bath water because Coach loves that scent on me as it mixes well with my body chemistry. I do my hair the way he requests and he may or may not ask me to put on makeup. I will dress according to his instructions or he may not want me wearing anything at all. I love the excitement of all of this and as I receive his instructions my submission deepens. I may play some music while I’m preparing that will help me relax and focus. We almost always have candles lit for the ambiance and even for the scent. Coach will mix up an energy drink for us as well as make a special recovery drink for the both of us to have on hand. We also make sure we have snacks ready for after play (cut up pineapple and some protein, like chicken).
Apart from all of these preparations, Coach will give me assignments over the weeks and days as well as specific instructions of what he wants. So if he wants wax then I make sure we have everything for wax play. If he wants to add in ice to that play then I make some ice dildos. I bet that got your attention. Do you have any idea how amazing it feels when he goes back and forth between the hot wax and the cold of the ice? I’m squeezing my thighs together just thinking about it.
Can you tell I just ooze with joy at the thought of all of this? We had an amazing time on Valentine’s Day, which was our 26th wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous scene that had me flying all the next day. We are planning out our next scene together and I can’t wait to find out what we’ll be doing. I am already feverish with anticipation.
My stats have been very interesting lately. I’ve been getting over 1000 views per day for the last couple of weeks, but I haven’t been posting much. I can’t help but wonder if the increase in views is due to the release of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. I believe it is.
I think that maybe my blog is appealing to many women (and some men) who’ve read the books and are excited about the movie. They’re curious about this lifestyle and my blog seems like a safe place to get some information. If that’s you, welcome! I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough to peruse my writing and hopefully you’ve gotten some valuable insight. I am more than willing to answer any questions I can so I welcome your feedback. I am not an expert, but I have a penchant for research and the ability to weed through the crap that is out there. I’ve also made some wonderful friends along the way and I thoroughly enjoy the network of lifestylers with whom I exchange ideas, thoughts, concerns, and views. We also have plenty of laughs and shared tears. It’s a wonderful support group and I learn so much from them everyday.
I have a local vanilla friend who was(is) a huge Twilight fan and she dared me to read the books. I was directing an improv theater group with an age range of performers from 18-30 and they had all read Twilight. Their jokes went over my head. I read the books and watched the movies as a result. They were an easy distraction from the exhaustion of my autoimmune disease, which was not under control at that time. I was always a very serious reader so this was actually welcome brain candy, and they satisfied the “baby [big] girl/little” in me (just a small facet of my submissive personality – a recent discovery that my friends, Angel and Kayla, have helped me with). Next thing you know, my vanilla friend emailed me the Twilight fanfic – Master of the Universe – the Twific written by E.L. James under the name Snowqueens Icedragon. I laughed and laughed as I read it, but I will admit that it stirred in me a long suppressed desire, which had been trying to flush up for a few years. When the FSOG books came out I read them as well. I had already been [secretly] doing my research into the lifestyle. I needed to reconcile my past with what I had already been feeling since as far back as I could remember.
I was in theater school in NYC in my late teens/early 20s and exposure to alternate lifestyles was common. I knew people from all walks of life. I observed and asked questions. I was curious and had many fantasies. There was a desire in me to be submissive, but I had no idea how to go about it. At 19 I married a man who was kinky and dabbled in BDSM. He was my first real exposure to the lifestyle. This man was heavily into pornography, and not just your regular porn available at a video rental store, but he had access to underground porn. It was obvious that he was grooming me. I submitted to him as a natural part of who I was, but there was never any kind of real protocol between us and I wasn’t even aware that there was a protocol. He wasn’t a sadist, but he was into humiliation and that made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to speak up about it as he made it all part of our sex life. My need to submit overrode my ability to speak up until one night it all came crashing down and it was the beginning of the end. A bad fisting incident, which opened the door to all kinds of marital problems, began four months of separating. Upon reflection I can see that the fisting incident was the catalyst for my submission getting pushed back into the recesses of my mind and heart. I didn’t immediately share the incident with Coach when we met, but once I did during our engagement he never wanted to be compared to my ex and I can totally understand why he felt that way. It held him back. I held myself back. It hurt us and we didn’t know how to fully express ourselves.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because I take my submission and my D/s relationship with my husband seriously and the people I know involved in the lifestyle take theirs seriously as well. We have gone through so many growing pains and have had to peel back layers and layers of learned behavior and error. We’ve uncovered insecurities as well as strengths and have found our footing over time. We grow everyday because we put in the work everyday. I submitted to Coach for close to a year and didn’t ask him to be my Dominant. I simply had the need to submit (you can read about it here). Please understand that the foundation of Dominance and submission doesn’t have to be sexual. D/s is an intimacy between two people who have the need to exist in their roles fully and completely with another person, which may or may not include any form of sexual contact. D/s relationships do not have to include S&M either, but can easily factor in. Each couple is unique in how they interact with one another. Unfortunately, you can go online and think you HAVE to do this or that because there are many out there that think they have arrived and have some kind of perfect formula or their way is the right way to do it and everyone else is wrong. There is no right or wrong dynamic as long as both people involved are fully aware of the risks and have given their free-will consent to any and all activities, which is the first step in establishing proper protocol in any D/s relationship. The pillars of a D/s relationship are trust and communication because it exposes and reveals.
It’s very important to know that you cannot make someone something they are not already. Yes, your husband/wife may show Dominant or submissive tendencies, but it doesn’t mean they are one. He or she may just want to be service Top or bottom and all activities are confined to the bedroom or playroom and outside of that environment you live your lives they way you normally do. That arrangement is perfectly acceptable if it works for you, but to engage in a D/s or M/s dynamic 24/7 is something else entirely and FSOG is a piss-poor example of what that entails.
The FSOG books are not about a D/s relationship or BDSM. FSOG is a sexed-up, kinky romance novel using D/s and BDSM as a means of satisfying the author’s curiosity in the lifestyle and to envision herself being tied down and spanked by Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen/Christian Grey. There’s nothing wrong that and I personally think Rob is hot and if there was ever a time that Rob Pattinson could be a Top for me in a situation that Coach controlled I would totally go for it.
So people, as you go see FSOG this weekend please take it all with a grain of salt. Don’t go running off seeking a Dominant or a submissive with a BDSM contract you downloaded in your hand. Please respect the people in this lifestyle and the hard choices that are made everyday to live the life we desire with integrity and dignity. Please don’t try to make your husband/fiance/girlfriend/whatever your Dominant or submissive because I’ve seen first hand how that can backfire on you. Relationships really can break up from this or suffer terribly. This is not a game. If you really feel like you are called to be a Dominant or submissive then read some good books on the subject and do your research. Live as a Dominant or submissive for a while (without a partner or requesting anything of your current partner) to make sure you are who you say you are. Resist the urge to get caught up in Dom or sub frenzy. And would-be Doms, please don’t you dare go around demanding that people call you Sir or Master because you’ve got a ways to go before you’re entitled to hear those titles. Your money, career, stature, physical ability, intelligence, lineage, or background do not make you a Dom or Master and there is a difference between being Domineering (Hello, Christian Grey?) and being a Dominant. Now, if you and your partner want to engage in some kinky exploration to spice up your sex life, go for it! Just make sure you follow some simple safety guidelines, which you can find here.
Well, that’s my 2 cents. Enjoy my blog, enjoy the movie, and enjoy each other. Below are some links to get you started down the right path to understanding this lifestyle in a more informed way than a fanfic trilogy ever could.
His arm reaches under the covers and he pulls me close to him.
He presses the front of his warm, smooth body against my sleek, bare back.
Our legs intertwine and rub together.
His hand cups my left breast and he nuzzles his face into my neck.
We breathe each other in and sync our souls.
Our shared warmth envelops us in our special predawn cocoon.
The still silence peacefully washes over us as we lay there in our quiet morning meditation inhaling and exhaling each other’s unconditional love.
Rori at Between My Sheets puts together a list each year of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers and this year I was chosen! I almost spit my coffee out when I received Rori’s email. This honor was totally unexpected and came as a complete surprise. I am humbled, to say the least. Thank you so very much, Rori, for including me with such a wonderful group of bloggers. Such amazing company to be in! [Note – as of this writing Rori’s blog is inexplicably down]
***Good News! I checked today, 1/3/15, and Rori’s site it back up!***
So what will 2015 bring? Hopefully more adventures and surprises. I’ve been adjusting my focus over here to shine more light on healthy submission – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and Coach has stated that he would like to bring more to the table along the same lines for Dominants. There will still be plenty of kinky fuckery and lots more fun. We want 2015 to be a year of self-improvement, discovery, and pushed limits. We learned some major lessons in 2014 because we endeavored to get out of our comfort zones. Some lessons were learned by having great success and some lessons were learned by crashing and burning. That’s what life is all about. You try things and see what you’re made of. Personally, I learned that I am not afraid to test the waters to find out what I really believe at my core and to find out where my weakness are so I can strengthen them, to prove my strength and get stronger. If you do not have any failures you have not been living. I choose to live with passion.
That being said I feel like I’ve only just begun and that’s a wonderful feeling. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog; it is so very much appreciated.
A new year is upon us and many of you are planning on making a new year’s resolution. Some people make the same resolution every single year, but within one or two weeks the enthusiasm dies and the resolution fizzles out and then gets tucked away in the failure file. Hands down, the number one new year’s resolution is to lose weight (http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/). I know, I’ve been there and I discovered how to change that failure file to a success file. I actually consulted a very expensive and highly sought after expert in this field who has over 30 years of professional experience. Um, yeah…I finally submitted to my Dom, who happens to be my husband, who happens to be a real-deal expert. It was a major act of submission on my part two years ago and was a turning point in our D/s relationship. I had “allowed” him to train me on and off through all these years, but holy crap could I ever fight him on it. Can you believe that? I must have been on crack. This is a man who is 56 and looks 36 (no joke) and has been working out non-stop since he was 13. In other words, when I was still wiping the snot from my nose at 6 he had determined he was going to be the quarterback for his high school football team and worked toward that goal and did it! He learned how to workout and set and accomplish goals through the mentorship of his older brother, who at that time was wrestling for an Ivy League school and was a champion power lifter. So, that being said, I’m here to help you help yourself through some major lessons I learned and that Coach knows because he sees this everyday. He wouldn’t be the successful trainer he is if he didn’t have a proven success rate.
Do you want to really know why you have problems losing weight?
1. You set goals based on emotions and not logic or “The crazy-ass loop of crap lodged in your heart is on auto play all day long and you don’t want to let it go” (Sing that song and I punch you)
2. Your Ego or “You know better and will do it your way because you think you’re Frank fucking Sinatra” (Tales of The Rat and The Brat Pack)
3. You do not plan, organize, and prepare properly or “Yes you do and you have 3 junk drawers to prove it, so there!” (Maybe a touch of Martha Stewart wouldn’t hurt, after all)
4. You are an emotional masochist or “You beat yourself up when you fail so no one else has to” (Step away from the flogger. I repeat, step away from the flogger)
#1. Your weight loss goal is emotion based and not logic based. You trick yourself into thinking you’ll capitalize on a renewed desire and enthusiasm and this time you’ll finally do it. You make a grand declaration to yourself and exclaim “I’m going to lose these 20 lbs once and for all” and then vow to never eat anything bad and to exercise every single day. Liar, liar, pants on fire. You know damned well you can’t live like that. There is nothing wrong with enthusiasm, desire, zeal, and excitement, but life will happen to you and can easily dampen the best of intentions. If you only get motivated based on an emotional high you will fail because that’s too much of a roller coaster ride. Your emotions are telling you that it’s possible to lose 20 lbs in one month because you did it once or your neighbor’s co-workers sister’s UPS delivery driver lost 20 lbs by drinking only carrot juice and then getting on an elliptical machine for 90 minutes every frickin day so you’ve decided that you will do the same. Inside, logically, you know it’s ridiculous, but you think it may actually work if you can just keep it up for a month and then once you lose that weight you really won’t go back to how you were before because you’ll be so inspired by the weight loss that you will move forward like a bad-ass. Don’t deny it.
In order to set a goal you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Are you ready for a bitter pill? Say “Aah” because I’m about to cram it down your throat. First, some of you need to stop saying you have to lose about 20 lbs! You probably have to lose a minimum of 40 lbs. I know I hit a nerve, but I’ve been there and I know I’m not the only one. Stay with me on this. It’s hard to admit the truth to yourself, but that’s the only way you can break through. It hurts and it sucks, but it’s reality and you have to deal with it, just know you’re not alone and you can break through and do this.
There is a monologue going on inside you that is caught on a loop in your heart. Yes, your heart, not your head, because this is emotionally charged. Below is an example of what I’m talking about and it is a reality for so many of us. We grab hold of a feeling that struck a chord with us once upon a time and it has been directing our lives for all these years. Hint – as you read, watch for the “20 lbs” that keeps making an appearance and see if you can tell why you keep going back to that number.
This morning you got on your new digital scale (the one that you weighed yourself on at your best friend’s house when you visited her last summer and you were 5 lbs lighter than your stupid scale at home, the one your husband obviously broke because he was using it to weigh care packages for soldiers for the elementary school’s annual drive) and weighed in at 175 lbs. Your driver’s license says you’re 135 lbs. You were actually 155 lbs when you got that license, but you still had 20 lbs of baby weight, which was supposed to come off when you were nursing, even though you weened your youngest eight years ago when he was 6 months old because that stupid job you had wasn’t making it easy for you to pump at work, and maybe if you were able to nurse for a full year you would have lost the stupid baby weight. Your husband is always telling you your curves are sexy, but you see him looking at thinner women so you don’t really believe him. You actually think you looked your best when you weighed 115 lbs, and even though you tell everyone 135 lbs is your idea weight you secretly wish you weighed 115 lbs so then you could finally have enough guts to wear a bikini like your best friend can, even though your best friend weighs about 150 lbs. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her, but you were always a lot thinner than her growing up. You were 115 lbs your senior year in college and that weight has been stuck in your head for the last 26 years as your ideal weight even though you were only that weight because you had the flu and lost 10 lbs from puking and then another 10 lbs because you got sick again after eating Chinese food that was sitting out all night, which is the main reason why you refuse to go anywhere near pork lo mein (or pork) to this day. Once you recovered from the seemingly non-stop puking for a month (some people rudely thought you were pregnant) you immediately gained those 20 lbs back during finals when you lived on Tastkake and coffee (it’s an east coast thing). Somehow your roommate took an amazing photo of you when you weighed 118 lbs (3 lbs was bloat because you had just gotten your period). Since college you’ve gone up and down 20 lbs and can be anywhere from 125 lbs (the summer you did Atkins and stuck with it, but then it got cold out and the 20 lbs crept back on by Christmas) to 155 lbs. Right now you’d be happy getting back down to 155 lbs. It’s shocking to see 175 lbs on the scale. Once you got into your 40s it wasn’t so easy to drop 10 lbs with a modified version of the Scarsdale diet your mother used to lose 10 lbs quickly. But if you can just lose 20 lbs you’d feel so much better and be the real weight you were when you got that license because when you look at the photos you still looked pretty good. After that it should be easy to get back down to 135 lbs and you’ll be on a roll. What’s another 20 lbs, right? You need to lose 20 lbs.
You are an expert at sales and marketing. You sold yourself an image of yourself that wasn’t a true portrayal of you and have been buying into it for years. You keep looking in your mind’s mirror and seeing your 115 lbs self. I bet you looked really cute in those jeans, but come on, you were what 21? You were barely a woman and women’s bodies change and mature. You are a mature woman now, but you look at yourself through immature eyes, even childish eyes. Your Husband/Dom/Boyfriend/Partner sees the real you and doesn’t buy your bull so why are you spending your emotional currency on it. Those are hard earned dollars that you are wasting. Please understand that I can write this because I used to have a loop in my head and bought into my own advertising campaign. My loop is different than this one, but I’ve spoken with a lot of women over the years and I’ve heard all the stories and Coach has, too. You have to break free from your emotional loop because it’s keeping you from setting and logically working toward your goal. You have to write out your loop (which will sound like a very funny one-woman show) and not mince words with yourself. Spill your shit to yourself. Read what’s really there and see if you have a pattern. I bet my bottom dollar that there is mostly likely a pattern and when you recognize the pattern you can change. Honesty is your first step. Come on, laugh at yourself, own what’s going on, so you can finally move forward.
Read about why we make decisions based on emotions. Here’s a great site. Check it out if only for The Big Bang Theory video: http://joegirard.ca/decisions-based-on-emotions/
P.S. If you have medical issues that are keeping you from losing weight, then you MUST consult an expert. Everyone should consult their doctor before undertaking any diet and/or physical fitness program. Safe, Sane, and Consensual works here, too. Take all reasonable and necessary precautions, use your head, and make sure you have the consent of your Dom or whomever else needs to be your partner in this life change. Yes, you have to change your life…all of it…and not for one month just to lose 20 lbs. Go back and read it again.
To be continued…
We all experience emotional pain and trauma at one time or another. We get beat up by life simply by being a living, breathing entity on this earth. We also get emotionally wounded by family, friends, associations, or even total strangers. It doesn’t really matter who’s dishing it out because one word can stick with you and even send you over the edge of the cliff without you realizing. Even a stranger’s word can be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Poor camel, poor you. We carry a lot of burdens on our backs and shoulders and many are completely unnecessary. We really don’t have to be all things to all people, we just have to be true to ourselves. I choose to make a daily affirmation of submitting my power over to my God, and second, my Dom. I am not in charge of the universe, therefore, I choose to submit to the Power that is in charge of the universe and hand over my very life. My Dom is in charge of my daily guidance and how I walk out my life and he has the final word on how we live day to day.
Coach and I have had several talks recently about how I process emotional pain and how it can be managed before it escalates into a meltdown or even a fit of anger. I’m like a pressure cooker; everything goes into the pot, the lid is sealed tightly, and it all heats up and stews. My thoughts and feelings seem neatly contained in my pot and no one, including me, is aware that the pressure has become too much for me to handle. On the outside I am calm, but at some point I am not capable of keeping it in any longer and I blow my top. I can either have a panicky meltdown, get very angry, or put up walls and get self-protective.
Coach and I talked about how we can better manage my emotions and catch and deal with my escalation before I ever get to that point of no return. We both agree that letting me go from A to V without intervention is asking for trouble because if I’m at V then I’m already in the home stretch to Z and some serious momentum has been built up. We realize that I need to be reeled in at D, and at the very latest P, if intervention is going to have an affect. A Dom needs to recognize the warning signs that lead up to a sub’s emotional unraveling. If you’ve been with someone long enough you should know their signs and be able to intervene before some damage is done. If you’ve lived long enough you should also be able to recognize your own signs and be able to be proactive and ask for help. It takes intentional habitual practice to recognize early warning signs of the emotional unravel. You have to invest in yourself and your Dom has to be fully invested in you in order to effectively help. I found some great resources that can help with recognizing and managing your emotional triggers:
There are also a few things that can be done to help when emotions are triggered and is especially important to apply if you do go over the edge and it’s called P.R.I.C.E.
Some of you have been taught R.I.C.E. as the acronym used for treating a physical injury, such as a twisted ankle or a sprained shoulder. The P has been added by experts not too long ago and is a very necessary component. So what does P.R.I.C.E. for:
P – Protection
R – Rest
I – Ice
C – Compression
E – Elevation
The same way you use these procedures to treat a physical injury can be used to treat an emotional injury.
P – Protection – The first principle is protection. The purpose of protection is to avoid further injury to the area by protecting the injured structures. The type of protection used varies depending on the injured area but may include an ace bandage, aluminum splint, sling, protective tape, or over-the-counter brace.
The same principle applies to an emotional injury. The best example I can give is a recent situation where Coach became my temporary crutch. I needed to lean on him because I was just too weak to stand on my own. Your sub will need your hand, your shoulder, and your arms to help her stand. Let her lean on you.
R – Rest – The purpose of resting is to allow the body’s own healing processes to naturally occur without being impeded by movement of the injured area.
It wouldn’t have helped me to just not blog for a day, but recently, Coach imposed a three week blogging break on me so I could remove myself and gain some perspective. My focus was wrong and I needed to rest and process. During those three weeks I did take the time to physically rest as well. Emotions are taxing on the body and you may need extra sleep and to not be as busy so you can build up your strength.
I – Ice – Icing is most effective in the immediate period following an injury. The effect of icing diminishes significantly after about 48 hours.
Ice for emotional injury is just as important and should be applied immediately. In this case, a cooling off period needs to occur. How to you bring down a heated emotional situation? Stay cool and calm. Your sub needs you to keep your cool so she can reduce that immediate emotional inflammation.
C – Compression – When the ice pack is removed, a compression wrap should be applied to the injured area. The compression wrap serves as a mechanical barrier so that swelling is minimized in the injured area. There are a number of compression wraps available on the market, but the most commonly used is an elastic or ace bandage.
I think most of us in the BDSM world can understand that having those bindings on (rope, leather straps, silk ribbon) can have a very calming effect on a sub, but even just lots and lots of hugging and touching works like a compression wrap and can reduce further emotional swelling.
E – Elevate – Elevating your injured foot or ankle above the level of your heart reduces the pull of gravity. Your heart doesn’t have to work as hard, and blood is less likely to pool in your lower limbs and make them swell. Reducing the pressure of the extra fluid can alleviate pain as well.
How do you elevate your injured sub? With lots and lots of words of comfort and letting her know how wonderful and special she is. Let her see clearly in your eyes her good qualities. More than likely she feels lower than low and she needs you to reinforce her worth. Elevate her heart so she can soar again.