BDSM Scene Preparation

We don’t do big scenes weekly or even bi-monthly. I just heard your collective sighs, but really, it’s OK. We have lots of sex and intimacy, a good smattering of amuse-bouche, and at least one good “scenette” monthly, as conditions allow (a little afternoon delight while the kids are at school or at some sort of daytime function for a couple of hours). The epic type of scenes – the kind that last a few hours and wring every last little bit of pain and pleasure out of you – the kind that turn you into a sated, sweaty, quivering mass of sub-spaced giggling slap-me-happy – those delicious coveted times usually only happen every 4-6 weeks because the kids MUST be at a sleepover and there cannot be a hundred projects going on. We have to plan it and work towards it by clearing the path for it to happen. There are times life interferes and all our plans go up in smoke because someone gets sick or an unexpected event comes up that we must attend. C’est la vie. The demands of our life just don’t afford us the luxury of carving out that amount of time as frequently as we desire. The good news in all of this is that a lot of sexy scene anticipation occurs leading up to it, and that is all part of the fun, because so much of D/s is in the mind.

First things first – about four days or so before I clean our Master bedroom and bath top to bottom and inside-out. I want our haven to be clean and serene. No clutter, dust, laundry, or papers! The last thing I want is to see junk sitting in a pile because that kind of distraction messes with my state of mind and I start worrying about the never ending to-do list. I want to free-fall into submissive head space without the demands of life impeding on our precious time together. Make sure your play space is as sexy and as appealing as you can make it. It’s a fact that the nicer something is the better it’s taken care of. I hate cleaning (because I can be a perfectionist in this area and drive myself crazy) and I could just as soon avoid cleaning altogether. My main motivation to clean anything is 1) the possibility of people coming over and 2) Our playtime. Whatever works, right? Question: Why does the Master bedroom turn into the place where things get hidden from company? Probably because NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN THERE!

Helpful Hint: As much as we love our kids, we do not have photos of them in our Master bedroom. WTF, you say? No, really. There are tons of photos of them all over the house, as well as pics of grandmas, grandpas and the rest of the extended family, but not in our bedroom. They are distraction in a room made for love, sex, and play. Come on, do you really want to be tied to the bed post while being flogged and look over to see your sweet little cherub-cheeked angel looking back at you? Not me, thank you very much! That’s a cock blocker and and orgasm deflater. Instead, make sure you have photos of the two of you together (and not the ones with your ugly 80s perm). Photos of the two of you having fun and enjoying each other are good. Make this room your special place. Capice?

About two days out I check on everything we need. This is fairly easy because we always clean up and put things away as soon as possible after we use our toys and equipment. Still, I check to see if any toys need batteries or if I need to replenish any lubes, oils, wax, candles, recovery drinks and supplements, or aftercare items such as arnica or aloe vera gel. I make sure everything is in good condition and that it’s all in its rightful place. I’ll usually rub down all our leather items with leather conditioning cream, too.

We have plenty of special sex towels and wash cloths that we use so I make sure everything has been laundered. Here’s a tip (hotels do this): all the towels and wash cloths that we use for sex are white because they need to get washed and bleached in hot water in order for them to be thoroughly sanitized and clean. You know sex is messy, right? We still have a wipes warmer from the kids’ baby days and I find it’s perfect for keeping about six wash cloths moist and warm for easy clean up after sex. I just run the wash cloths under very hot water, wring them out, roll them up, and put them in the warmer about an hour before we play. Coach lovingly cleans me as part of aftercare and there’s nothing like the feel of soothing warm wash cloths. It makes us feel like we’re flying first class.

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Prince Lionheart Warmies Wipes Warmer.

We also have a super absorbent blanket (squirters can relate to the need for this) and a couple of satin sheets that we drape over the bed so we don’t have to wash our comforter and sheets. Did I mention that sex is messy? Squirting aside, we’ve had some lube accidents a time or two.

The day before I take care of me. I always try to get my Brazilian sugaring done the day before. I don’t wax, I sugar because it is SO MUCH BETTER. I go to an amazing place that that has a lot of kinky clients (it’s where all the strippers go) and the girls there are a hoot! They know I’m a sub, too, so I have the freedom to be open and talk. They’re discreet because their clientele demands it of them. This place is gold! P.S. Coach goes there for his Brazilian sugar as well.

“Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love”

I then make my way over to a little Indian salon to get my eyebrows and upper lip threaded. Women from all walks of life come here to watch whatever Bollywood movie is playing on their big screen and to have their eyebrows expertly shaped to perfection using nothing more than cotton thread! These women get absolutely every little hair and do it so crazy fast that you don’t have time to worry about it hurting. My brows are a breeze for me, but OMG my upper lip makes my eyes well up with tears. I’ve come to find out that it’s the most sensitive part on my body. I went to Sally’s and purchased a numbing agent for my upper lip because it’s the only way I can get through it. I used to wax my upper lip myself, but no product got all of those tiny hairs. Threading is the way to go. Get this, no appointment is necessary and with tip I only pay $15! I have to time this trip carefully because if it’s afternoon on a Friday or any given Saturday they can get crowded. Even with all that demand I’ve never had to wait more than 30 min and I’m done in less than 10. It’s in the perfect location because right across the street is our favorite sex toy store. Don’t you just love convenience?

Yes, that’s me getting threaded. Don’t you dare say a word about my grey roots! Guess where I head to next? Yup, the sex toy store!

If I need to get my hair done then this is the day I do it. See why I need to plan? And you thought it was just making sure the kids got dropped off at their Aunt’s house. Don’t you know me by now?

I like to wait until the day of to get a manicure (if I need it). I cook and do a lot of crafty things at home so my hands take a beating (and you thought it was only my ass) so I try to stay on top of my hands on a daily basis, but I will most certainly get a pedicure. Do you have any idea how much I love a long, spa pedi? Well, you do now. I have a bit of an obsession with keeping my feet super soft (no yucky calluses) and pretty because I live in a very dry climate and if I didn’t take care of them my feet would look like hell, but the pedi is my extra indulgence and Coach allows me plenty of indulgences. Coach will only allow me to use reds or pinks on my nails so I usually do a nude or light pink on my fingernails, but with my toes I go into the super dark reds. Damn, it makes me feel sexy.

I try to take it easy on the day of because I want all my energy. I make sure the night before I go to bed on time so the next day I feel good. In the morning I shave my legs and underarms (I never get those parts sugared) and I make sure I exfoliate everywhere. I put on lotion at this time so my skin is soft. I will drink plenty of water throughout the day and eat really well (no gassy food, know what I mean?). If I can take a nap during the day I will. I’ll take a dip in the tub awhile before, but will not use any lotion at that time. I don’t want to be slippery and I also don’t want competing scents. I put some vanilla essential oil in the bath water because Coach loves that scent on me as it mixes well with my body chemistry. I do my hair the way he requests and he may or may not ask me to put on makeup. I will dress according to his instructions or he may not want me wearing anything at all. I love the excitement of all of this and as I receive his instructions my submission deepens. I may play some music while I’m preparing that will help me relax and focus. We almost always have candles lit for the ambiance and even for the scent. Coach will mix up an energy drink for us as well as make a special recovery drink for the both of us to have on hand. We also make sure we have snacks ready for after play (cut up pineapple and some protein, like chicken).

Apart from all of these preparations, Coach will give me assignments over the weeks and days as well as specific instructions of what he wants. So if he wants wax then I make sure we have everything for wax play. If he wants to add in ice to that play then I make some ice dildos. I bet that got your attention. Do you have any idea how amazing it feels when he goes back and forth between the hot wax and the cold of the ice? I’m squeezing my thighs together just thinking about it.

Can you tell I just ooze with joy at the thought of all of this? We had an amazing time on Valentine’s Day, which was our 26th wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous scene that had me flying all the next day. We are planning out our next scene together and I can’t wait to find out what we’ll be doing. I am already feverish with anticipation.

 

What Does 50 Shades of Grey Have To Do With This Blog?

My stats have been very interesting lately. I’ve been getting over 1000 views per day for the last couple of weeks, but I haven’t been posting much. I can’t help but wonder if the increase in views is due to the release of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. I believe it is.

I think that maybe my blog is appealing to many women (and some men) who’ve read the books and are excited about the movie. They’re curious about this lifestyle and my blog seems like a safe place to get some information. If that’s you, welcome! I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough to peruse my writing and hopefully you’ve gotten some valuable insight. I am more than willing to answer any questions I can so I welcome your feedback. I am not an expert, but I have a penchant for research and the ability to weed through the crap that is out there. I’ve also made some wonderful friends along the way and I thoroughly enjoy the network of lifestylers with whom I exchange ideas, thoughts, concerns, and views. We also have plenty of laughs and shared tears. It’s a wonderful support group and I learn so much from them everyday.

I have a local vanilla friend who was(is) a huge Twilight fan and she dared me to read the books. I was directing an improv theater group with an age range of performers from 18-30 and they had all read Twilight. Their jokes went over my head. I read the books and watched the movies as a result. They were an easy distraction from the exhaustion of my autoimmune disease, which was not under control at that time. I was always a very serious reader so this was actually welcome brain candy, and they satisfied the “baby [big] girl/little” in me (just a small facet of my submissive personality – a recent discovery that my friends, Angel and Kayla, have helped me with). Next thing you know, my vanilla friend emailed me the Twilight fanfic – Master of the Universe – the Twific written by E.L. James under the name Snowqueens Icedragon. I laughed and laughed as I read it, but I will admit that it stirred in me a long suppressed desire, which had been trying to flush up for a few years. When the FSOG books came out I read them as well. I had already been [secretly] doing my research into the lifestyle. I needed to reconcile my past with what I had already been feeling since as far back as I could remember.

I was in theater school in NYC in my late teens/early 20s and exposure to alternate lifestyles was common. I knew people from all walks of life. I observed and asked questions. I was curious and had many fantasies. There was a desire in me to be submissive, but I had no idea how to go about it. At 19 I married a man who was kinky and dabbled in BDSM. He was my first real exposure to the lifestyle. This man was heavily into pornography, and not just your regular porn available at a video rental store, but he had access to underground porn. It was obvious that he was grooming me. I submitted to him as a natural part of who I was, but there was never any kind of real protocol between us and I wasn’t even aware that there was a protocol. He wasn’t a sadist, but he was into humiliation and that made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to speak up about it as he made it all part of our sex life. My need to submit overrode my ability to speak up until one night it all came crashing down and it was the beginning of the end. A bad fisting incident, which opened the door to all kinds of marital problems, began four months of separating. Upon reflection I can see that the fisting incident was the catalyst for my submission getting pushed back into the recesses of my mind and heart. I didn’t immediately share the incident with Coach when we met, but once I did during our engagement he never wanted to be compared to my ex and I can totally understand why he felt that way. It held him back. I held myself back. It hurt us and we didn’t know how to fully express ourselves.

The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because I take my submission and my D/s relationship with my husband seriously and the people I know involved in the lifestyle take theirs seriously as well. We have gone through so many growing pains and have had to peel back layers and layers of learned behavior and error. We’ve uncovered insecurities as well as strengths and have found our footing over time. We grow everyday because we put in the work everyday. I submitted to Coach for close to a year and didn’t ask him to be my Dominant. I simply had the need to submit (you can read about it here). Please understand that the foundation of Dominance and submission doesn’t have to be sexual. D/s is an intimacy between two people who have the need to exist in their roles fully and completely with another person, which may or may not include any form of sexual contact. D/s relationships do not have to include S&M either, but can easily factor in. Each couple is unique in how they interact with one another. Unfortunately, you can go online and think you HAVE  to do this or that because there are many out there that think they have arrived and have some kind of perfect formula or their way is the right way to do it and everyone else is wrong. There is no right or wrong dynamic as long as both people involved are fully aware of the risks and have given their free-will consent to any and all activities, which is the first step in establishing proper protocol in any D/s relationship. The pillars of a D/s relationship are trust and communication because it exposes and reveals.

It’s very important to know that you cannot make someone something they are not already. Yes, your husband/wife may show Dominant or submissive tendencies, but it doesn’t mean they are one. He or she may just want to be service Top or bottom and all activities are confined to the bedroom or playroom and outside of that environment you live your lives they way you normally do. That arrangement is perfectly acceptable if it works for you, but to engage in a D/s or M/s dynamic 24/7 is something else entirely and FSOG is a piss-poor example of what that entails.

The FSOG books are not about a D/s relationship or BDSM. FSOG is a sexed-up, kinky romance novel using D/s and BDSM as a means of satisfying the author’s curiosity in the lifestyle and to envision herself being tied down and spanked by Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen/Christian Grey. There’s nothing wrong that and I personally think Rob is hot and if there was ever a time that Rob Pattinson could be a Top for me in a situation that Coach controlled I would totally go for it.

So people, as you go see FSOG this weekend please take it all with a grain of salt. Don’t go running off seeking a Dominant or a submissive with a BDSM contract you downloaded in your hand. Please respect the people in this lifestyle and the hard choices that are made everyday to live the life we desire with integrity and dignity. Please don’t try to make your husband/fiance/girlfriend/whatever your Dominant or submissive because I’ve seen first hand how that can backfire on you. Relationships really can break up from this or suffer terribly. This is not a game. If you really feel like you are called to be a Dominant or submissive then read some good books on the subject and do your research. Live as a Dominant or submissive for a while (without a partner or requesting anything of your current partner) to make sure you are who you say you are. Resist the urge to get caught up in Dom or sub frenzy. And would-be Doms, please don’t you dare go around demanding that people call you Sir or Master because you’ve got a ways to go before you’re entitled to hear those titles. Your money, career, stature, physical ability, intelligence, lineage, or background do not make you a Dom or Master and there is a difference between being Domineering (Hello, Christian Grey?) and being a Dominant. Now, if you and your partner want to engage in some kinky exploration to spice up your sex life, go for it! Just make sure you follow some simple safety guidelines, which you can find here.

Well, that’s my 2 cents. Enjoy my blog, enjoy the movie, and enjoy each other. Below are some links to get you started down the right path to understanding this lifestyle in a more informed way than a fanfic trilogy ever could.

Domination and submission Radio with Michael Makai

Submissive Guide

Dominant Guide

 

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/10/fetish-lovers-fifty-shades-of-grey-stonewall-moment

So Good. So Rare.

“I’m coming home at noon. I have a big break during the day and I don’t have to be back at work until five.”

“Really? What are we going to do with all that time?”

Long pause

“Just be ready.”

“Hey, kids, Daddy has a big break this afternoon and he and I have some work to do. He’s going to eat lunch as soon as he gets in the door and then he and I are going to go up into our room and work. We do not want to be disturbed. You guys can watch any movie you want.”

An hour later

“How’s my girl?”

Long, deep, passionate kiss

“I’m good, Sir. I’m so excited you’re here right now.”

“Let’s see how excited you are. Take your clothes off and kneel on the bed.”

“Good girl. Now get on all fours. I want to inspect you.”

Pinch. Smack, smack, smack, smack. Pinch, pinch, pinch, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, bite, bite, bite, smack, smack, really hard bite.

“Scoot back to the edge, ass in the air, and rest your face on the bed. You’re not allowed to move.”

Mmmmmm

“That’s a beautiful site and it’s all mine.”

Yes, all yours, always

 

Protected: Boob Day For Me! It’s About Freakin’ Time!

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My Love, My Love

I hope you read this soon, my love
I hope you read this soon
Your words to me have taken root and the branches are now in bloom.

I hope you read this soon, my love
I hope you read this soon
Your words to me have forged our path and the obstacles have all been hewn.

I hope you read this soon, my love
I hope you read this soon
Your words to me have healed my soul and to your heart I am forever attuned.

Thank you for speaking such life giving words to me and always understanding me, wiping my tears with your kisses, and teaching me to fly. I love you forever and beyond, soul of my soul and heart of my heart.