I read some posts last night, saw some crap on Facebook, and had a really bad dream. It’s all still there underneath the surface and it’s obvious that I still have triggers. I haven’t had this dream in a long time, but at least I didn’t wake up screaming like the nightmares I used to have. I woke up in anguish and with tears rolling off my cheeks. Coach held me close and soothed me. He knows the depths of my pain. He knows.
When you are betrayed, lied to, deceived, cheated on, and abandoned by someone you love, the pain never really goes away. Much like the death of a loved one, you learn to cope with it, but it lives under the surface. A loved one that goes away because they die is profoundly different. We know death is inevitable for us all, and as horrible and soul-wrenching as a death is, we have an understanding of it. Betrayal is a different story. Deceit is a white hot knife that plunges into you and brands your heart against your consent. Lies and cheating leave their marks on you. Your soul knows its been abandoned. It knows.
I found out about the affair accidently. She was his friend, invited to the wedding (she declined) and after we married I was introduced. We would all meet up from time to time at a pub for Happy Hour. We laughed and shared. I got along well with her and thought of her as a friend. Just 16 months into the marriage he left and claimed he didn’t want to be married anymore, to me or anyone else. He fucked me all night long and in the morning told me to leave. Devasted is an understatement. For months I begged and pleaded with him and would even talk to her on the phone for comfort. She never let on. She bold-faced lied. One night I called her and he answered. I knew. She knew. He knew.
They wouldn’t admit the truth. I went into a rage that should never, ever be duplicated. I can understand the point one needs to get to in order to snap, but I didn’t, although I balanced on the precipice for a few days. Coach was there and kept me from jumping off a cliff. Coach has been there since. He knows. He knows.
The ex was cheating on me while we were together and for all I do know it could have very well been from the beginning. I look back now and can see all the signs. The spouses that are left in the wake can always see the signs. Whether or not we want to admit it is a different story. We know. We always know.
Last year I had a friend who revealed she’s married. The guy she’s dating is also married. I didn’t know they were married and was always under the belief that they were single and dating. Our friendship had become well established before these facts were ever told to me. I wanted to be fair-minded and not judge. I was asked to understand. It was a very difficult position to put someone in. They lamented about how they weren’t understood by their spouses and that they wanted to remain married. Of course they did because they have too much to lose in a divorce, especially if their affair became known to their spouses. They honestly believe they are better at being a husband and a wife. They should know better. They should know.
I was in territory I did not belong and I was sacrificing my beliefs for friendship. One day she informed me that she may be found out and would need to lay low for a while, but would seek me out when everything settled. I was part of her “other life” so I, too, must remain hidden. She had something that belonged to me and I had been asking for it back for a few weeks. I made some lightning fast decisions in a matter of seconds and my text back to her was not about asking her if she was OK or expressing any kind of concern for what she was going through. No, I wanted back what belonged to me because if that piece of property got into her husband’s hands I would be the one to get hurt. I was sure she was going to disappear and I would never speak to her again, let alone get back my precious property. My first text asked if I was still going to get it back and then a moment later I sent another text asking if she was OK. My gut instincts were to cut and run. A week later I received back my property and a nastygram. I was hurt because she insinuated that I wasn’t genuine and not who I said I was or what she had always believed. I know who I am. I know.
When you bring someone into your lie you cause them to lie. You should never, ever put anyone in that position. I know what it’s like to have this kind of lie going on behind my back and I know the devastation it leaves behind. I live it. I’ve had nightmares about it. I grieve for their spouses, who are supposedly good people, by the way, so why then hurt them like this? Why deceive them? You know they’ll be devastated if and when they find out. TELL THEM THE TRUTH GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE! There are very few circumstances when lying is justified. If you hid Jews from the Nazis I thank you for your lies and you are a hero. Hiding your affair from your husband is something entirely different. Do you see the distinction? You know and I know you know.
My moral compass has been taken to the shop for repair because I dropped it and cracked my glass, just like I did recently with my new phone. So very different than my phone, when I crack the glass on my compass God doesn’t void my warranty. I’m allowed to repair my moral compass as many times as it needs repair and each and every time I get to start over as good as new. I am known to Him. I am known.
“The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22 & 23 (NASB)
I am not suggesting that anyone stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but you MUST end the marriage first before becoming involved with anyone else as it’s just simply the right thing to do. Don’t bring people unwittingly into this secret life of yours and expect them to always say and do the right thing by you. When a conscience speaks it comes out in ways you will not like. You don’t have the right to be annoyed, mad, incensed, outraged, indignant, or offended by how anyone reacts at any given time to your situation. You seek loyalty from friends whom you’ve entrusted with so great a secret, but you put a heavy burden upon their shoulders that they shouldn’t have to bear. Bear your own burdens. When she told me her husband may be onto her something in me clicked. I was aiding her deception and betrayal and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought. I allowed myself to be put into this position and I was wrong for allowing it. I take full responsibility for my actions. No longer will the truth of who I am and what I believe be silenced for anyone’s benefit and I will not be made to feel guilty for telling you that you’re wrong. The truth knows. The truth always knows.
“Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)