Jill

I haven’t forgotten you, Jill. After you left this world I started getting high with Carol and Julie after school. Then Julie moved away.

Why didn’t I go with you when you asked me? If I was there you wouldn’t have been murdered. He didn’t have a gun so we could have kicked his ass together. He was a little shit and we could have done it.

When I worked at the farm I used to go down to the stream where they found you. I used to daydream that I found you and brought you back to life. Sometimes I would daydream that I found him attacking you and I jumped him before he could rape you and smash your head on that rock. I could have saved your life.

Why did you hitchhike? We could have gotten a ride from my mom. Why did I say no when you asked me to go with you?

Kim and I got drunk on the beach a week later. Her mom blamed me for breaking into their liquor cabinet, but it was Kim. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with Kim after that and we had to sneak around to be friends all through high school. I got drunk because of you. Kim’s sister dates my younger brother now. She was the one who lied and told her mom I did it.

I was afraid of sex after finding out you were raped. I was called a tease and a bitch because I would always stop the boys. A boy lied about me and I was labeled as one of the biggest whores in school. I know you would have defended me. They would have listened to you.

I just found out the fucker might get out of jail this month, the month you died, 35 years ago, at 15.

I miss you.

You’ve Got A Friend

I sang this song for a talent show when I was in middle school. I woke up hearing it. The words have always gripped me. I have a heavy heart today, but I’ll be fine. I know that my heart has an amazing capacity to love and it’s more inclusive than exclusive. I see that as a tremendous benefit and Coach said it’s a gift. I should never take that gift for granted.

To D and J…thank you! I so wish I could share more about me with you. I wish you could read this blog. You know I have it, but have never pushed to read it because you allow me the opportunity to say what I need to say into the Universe. I know you wouldn’t judge, but I would never risk anything coming between us. I love you both too much to do such a thing.

J, we’ve known each other since we were 13 (35 years!), when I met you on our first day of high school. We were instant friends. My nickname is Elle because of you. You get my warped humor, the humor I don’t show on this blog, and you just get me. We partied till we dropped, danced until dawn more times than I can count, laughed, cried, and supported each other all these years. I’m checking my lottery numbers because I promised I’d buy you a Jaguar one of these days and I always keep my promises.

D, your wisdom is beyond most people’s comprehension. We were instant friends from the moment I made that fateful call and you answered the phone. You are the older sister I never had. Our age difference means nothing to us. You always call at the exact moment of my pain or joy. How do you do that? How are you so tuned in to the extremes of my heart? Everyone is confused by our friendship because no one in a million years would expect us to be friends. We seem so opposite, but that’s because they only see the outside. On the inside, we’re cut from the same bolt of cloth. We’ve never had one single disagreement in the 13 years we’ve been friends. I am a better person when I’m with you. You bring out the very best in me. You are in a class all your own.

When you’re down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothin’, nnothin’ is goin’ right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’ to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin, yeah, yeah,
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will

Now ain’t it good to know
that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold
They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin, runnin’, yeah, yeah, yeah
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will
You’ve got a friend,
you’ve got a friend,
ain’t it good to know,
you’ve got a friend,
ain’t it good to know,
ain’t it good to know,
ain’t it good to know,
you’ve got a friend,
oh yeah now, you’ve got a friend,
yeah baby, you’ve got a friend,
oh yeah, you’ve got a friend.

My Truth ~ Part One: A Little Background Information

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I’ve shared some personal details of who I am along the way on this blog and there are others that follow my blog that I’ve gotten to know through email, text, and phone calls. However, there is so much more to my world than meets the eye. Even this 4, maybe 5 part (6 parts?), series I plan on sharing will not be enough and will only go so deep because I’m sure I will be leaving out details, but not for the reasons you may think. The truth is I can’t remember them and then all of the sudden a memory comes back. My lack of memory and recall is not from simply forgetting, it’s just that my memory loss stems from trauma due to abuse, half-hearted suicide attempts (oh those cries for help!), and drugs. I have 4 brothers and the 3 older  were drug dealers. We grew up in an educated, middle class house with both parents present, but there was a very dark side to our lives. I know how to compartmentalize and I know how to block memories.

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I have a friend from high school (we’ll call her J) that experienced this culture with me and to this day we’ll call each other up with a memory that one of us had of ourselves or the other. There are things J remembers that I did that I have absolutely no recall of and vice versa. We rely on each other to piece together a total of 5 years of teenage hell. We joke that we each hold a part of the other’s brain. We went to a lot of parties together and we took things we didn’t even know we were taking, we did things we didn’t know we were doing. We know we are walking miracles because the chances of becoming addicted or over-dosing were so great. The chance of something sinister happening was probably even greater. J is a very real and very true friend and she knows me very well. J knows when I’m venting out of frustration, when I’m being as ass, when I’m full of fear or anger and I say things I don’t mean, when I exaggerate to get attention (shut up, we all do it), when I need a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to make me laugh until I pee my pants. I know her the same way she knows me and because of that we never argue or fight because we don’t have to. We have a knowing and an understanding of each other. I’ve shared very little about her with other friends because NO ONE is allowed to say anything against her. We had our 30 year high school reunion in August and we didn’t go. We told people all kinds of reasons why we couldn’t go (money, husbands), but the truth is that J ran into some people from our past and it dredged up some memories. We both freaked a little. We talked on the phone the night of the reunion. We dealt with the bad memories and moved on. J does not know I am a submissive and my husband is my Dominant. One day I will tell her.

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Now, there are secrets that I’ve barely admitted to myself out of absolute shame and guilt. J only knows the most minutia of these secrets. The only one who knows it all is my husband, but it took me years to eek it out to him and I’ve never gone into full explicit detail, but he knows more than enough. He knows the depths of how I feel and he has always been there for me without judgement to let me cry it out until I was bone dry and then let me cry some more. I did not share these things with him for our first 6 or so years together and he never understood where my rage, depression, or despair came from. I have intentionally been selective about revealing this information with friends and recently that has come to bite me in the ass.

Over the last year, and on an almost daily basis, I was encouraged to drop my armor and just be me and that I would be loved no matter what. I shared some things, but without all the supporting details of my life, they could never fully comprehend and because of my purposeful deletions I was more than misunderstood, I was attacked for it, and not just me, but my husband as well. The big lesson I learned is that sometimes walls are a good thing because some people should just never be allowed in your life. I was on the “I’m finally being who I really am and we’re all in this together” crappola bandwagon so I thought it safe to open up and for some reason I believed any venting or fear would be apparent. I thought that, like my husband or J, they would tell me everything was going to be OK and to calm down, breathe, and think it through. Then we had a family tragedy and I was like a spewing fountain of fear and I received some of the worst advice I ever received in my life (and I’m even including advice I once received from a junkie). I am so thankful I didn’t drink the poison because it would have meant an end to my marriage, my children would have been torn apart, and my entire life as I know it would have ended. For the record, I take complete responsibility for my actions and everything that occurred because I FUCKING KNOW BETTER! I was the one who dropped my armor and who breached her own protective wall. You can be rest assured that my sword is now sharper than ever, the walls to my city have been fortified, and now I even have a beautiful shiny new moat because ignorant people are no longer allowed in.

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I have a soul-sister who I will refer to as D. Our relationship transcends friendship. She is a mentor, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a spiritual advisor, and a source of wisdom that I have never found in anyone else. She is a gift to me and it is a relationship that I treat with the finest of care because she deserves all the very best I have to give. No, she is not an angel or a prophet (although I argue that with her), she is just a human with flaws and all. I have been there for her and I know she will always be there for me. We have an agreed arrangement that we NEVER badmouth our husbands to each other, not even a little, not even in jest. If there is a genuine problem we don’t dog the men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come to her with a problem not even saying anything bad, but her words to me are emphatically, “Don’t tell me anything you can’t say to him. Your job is to go to him first before you ever come to me.” Wise woman. Our other agreed arrangement is that we do not go into any details about our sex lives. The main reason is that her husband used to be a Pastor at a church we all used to attend. In all the years I’ve known her the one thing I didn’t know was that she and her husband had, for many years, a D/s marriage. According to her it was mainly in the bedroom. There is an age difference between them with her being 58 and him being 72. He has had some health problems the last few years so they don’t do a lot of what they used to. It has always been obvious that her husband is the head of their household. They did it their way, but that’s what we should all be doing. It’s less than a year ago that I revealed what my husband and I had started and she just smiled and then told me a little about her life. We bonded on a new level, but she took things slowly, as is her way, and never tried to unload all kinds of ideas and opinions on me and how to have a D/s marriage. She uses wisdom when dealing with people and is a listener. Her advice is very “Kung Fu” (we both used to love that show) because she says that many times we already have the answer to the question or problem so allowing someone to just talk it out will reveal the answer and the truth. It was recently that I asked her to mentor me in submission and this is the one of the reasons I am writing this today.

This is a catharsis for me. D encouraged me to put as much down as I can so I can move past the areas that are done, heal the areas I need to heal, and get help in the areas that need work. My husband has given his blessing and with that, I will start tomorrow with My Sexual Awakening in Part 2 of My Truth. Read if you like or delete if you’re so inclined because this I must do for me.

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They work long hours or for a while they’re away

You’re home with the kids or by yourself all day.

It gets lonely at times, but you do have some friends

You can reach out to them to help your aching heart mend.

He’ll be back soon, that is for sure

Until he returns sub-port will help you restore.

Assist, recommend, laugh, and encourage

You’ll get through the hard times and your submission will flourish.

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