My Privilege

We’ve never been understood and we never will
It took us years to understand us
We don’t have the expectation to be understood anymore
I enjoy our cocoon, the one we slip into whenever we’re around anyone else
No one has gotten in and that’s fine by me
I only want to be understood by you
We put words out there and give people a glimpse
But that’s all it can ever be
This is our special life
It’s not anyone’s to understand and make sense of
It is my distinct privilege to know the real you and to love you

Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman,

We need to talk; girl to girl, wife to wife, sub to sub. I have so much I need to tell you and you’ve been on my mind for a while. You deserve to hear the unadulterated truth about this new world you’ve chosen to pursue. It’s not as easy as being handed a key by your husband and unlocking a jewelry box filled with priceless gems. The overwhelming majority of you will have to carefully and strategically ease open this particular oyster that both you and your husband dug for together in order to acquire the precious pearl and you’ll have to use specific tools and techniques. Some of you may even open your own personal Pandora’s Box. Epimetheus insisted that his wife, Pandora, obey the letter of the label. Epimetheus left for a few hours, but Pandora’s gift of curiosity took over. The box was entrusted to them by Zeus, but she felt Zeus was wrong to tell them not to open it. As the story goes, Pandora disobeyed and opened the box unleashing all the evils of the world, but the very last thing to come out of the box was hope. I need you to remember that because hope is a powerful force and it will help guide you home should you lose your way.

Why am I the one writing you this letter? Well, why the hell not? I see a need and I wish a letter like this was available for me when I first started exploring because it would have saved me a lot of frustration, heartache, and tears. I hope you find the information I share with you here to be valuable and that you seriously take into consideration the knowledge and wisdom I gained through the trial and error lessons I learned painstakingly over the last three years. If I could have avoided that kind of schooling I would have jumped at the chance because I would have had more peace on this journey.

I know that you’re crazy excited right now and it feels like a whole new world of possibilities are before you. You want to grab it all and have it all right this very minute. You have a feeling of freedom because you’ve finally owned up to who you are, but it’s mixed with trepidation due to so much mind boggling information out there and you just can’t afford to mess this up with your husband. Whether you’ve always known you’re submissive and hid it, or your submission was dormant and has just been awakened, you want to be your 100% sexy-ass-sultry-submissive-self gracefully kneeling like in a tumblr photo and for your husband to be his 100% manly-man-Dominant-self expertly leading you in all his powerful “Dom-ness” RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN IT! Whoa, slow down there tumblr addict, I totally get it…

BUT…

I just lost some of you because you don’t want to hear a BUT about anything. You want to hear YES! YES! YES! That’s called submissive frenzy. For unattached submissives that are just coming into the lifestyle, submissive frenzy is more of the quest to find a Dominant. In your case it is the quest to force change transform your husband into becoming your Dominant. This is a very slippery slope, subbie, and the advice out there on how to successfully do this is practically nil (look below for some of the few helpful links I could find). So what does newly submissive married woman frenzy look like? You want to be dominated now and you’re going to make sure he knows it. You tell him you read some things and you see yourself in it. You tell him you’ve always felt this way and this is what you want. You maybe even beg and plead for him to try this with you. You text and email him endlessly every article you can find so he knows exactly how a Dom is supposed to act. You buy books and load them on his tablet and you read blog post after blog post and feel like you’ve found your tribe (more on that later on). You cajole, cry, beg, manipulate, entice, seduce, remind, and maybe even threaten divorce. For some of you this is a race against time because you feel like your marriage is over and you think a D/s dynamic can save it. Some of you think your husband displays enough dominant traits that he must be a Dom and he’ll soon see himself in something you show him and jump on board. Some of you want to feel wanted and needed and loved because he just doesn’t pay attention anymore. Others of you are so starved for sex that you’re trying desperately to spice things up and bring back the kink. I know that many, many, many of you are genuine and are being extremely sincere in your efforts.

Let’s take a look at a few things you need to know about what really goes into a D/s relationship so you can better understand your own feelings, needs, and motives. These are the bare bones basics and is not a comprehensive list:

1) There is absolutely no guarantee that a D/s relationship will help an already ailing marriage. All D/s relationships, whether or not you’re married, are about honesty, trust, humility, patience, sensitivity, communication, negotiation, and genuineness – all the attributes of a good marriage or any kind of healthy relationship. Before you include a specific type of power exchange into your marriage you need to work on these qualities and take ownership of them simply because it behooves your relationship to do so. They don’t magically appear when a collar goes around a sub’s neck because they already need to be intrinsic to the relationship. Once you have that foundation you can start implementing a power exchange. You see, the D/s dynamic takes these elements much deeper and puts them on steroids. Your true selves will be revealed in every way and if the marriage needs work D/s won’t be a panacea.

2) You can still keep the vanilla! Vanilla isn’t a bad thing, but many will tell you it kills D/s. Liars! Vanilla only means life outside the D/s dynamic and BDSM activities. All sex is good sex if you’re doing it right. We enjoy vanilla sex, we enjoy kinky sex, we enjoy primal sex, we enjoy sex that includes bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic activities. I crave slow, passionate making love sex and completely enjoy hard, rough, peel me off the ceiling sex and I will bet your husband does, too. If you start insisting certain aspects of sexual activity that he enjoys cease in your sex life because it’s considered vanilla, you’re asking for him to shut you down. You are, in essence, telling him he’s a terrible lover and who wants that kind of rejection? Not a good way to start. How about this – what if he only wants vanilla sex, but wants the D/s dynamic? Did you just gasp? Read number 3.

3) D/s doesn’t mean sexual activity. Nope, it doesn’t. D/s is who you are and how you communicate and interact with one another. It is one person giving power over to other in a consensual exchange. It is an exchange of minds and hearts in a very special dance that draws out the fullness of your being. It is a way of life. BDSM activities are what you do that doesn’t necessarily include sex the way porn would have you believe. Can you be a submissive without being Dominated sexually? It’s a hard question that must be asked. See if you can live as a submissive on your own for a while. I bet there are things he’s wanted you to do and you’ve never done them. Don’t wait for some kind of formal rule list to be written up and elaborate protocols to be put into place before you start submitting. If he’s always wanted you to stop biting your nails or wants you to make the bed on a regular basis or workout everyday JUST DO IT! Obey what you already know to obey.

4) He may want to be a submissive or a switch. Don’t assume your husband is a Dom, even if he exhibits dominate traits. You may exhibit dominant traits, but you’ll swear on a stack of bibles that you’re a tried and true submissive. This can be a tricky one because it may be extremely hard for him to let you know, especially if you’re insisting on being the only submissive in the relationship. He may want to be a switch and Top for some things and bottom for others. You must be willing to take this seriously and consider all possibilities.

5) He may want to confine all D/s activities to the bedroom only and outside life to continue as normal. There are many couples who do that and are very fulfilled. Many couples start that way and gradually start incorporating D/s into more aspects of their lives. You do what works for the both of you and don’t feel some kind of pressure to be a 24/7 submissive.

6) Physical punishment isn’t a requirement and neither is pain of any kind. Just because you’re a submissive it doesn’t automatically make you a masochist and he doesn’t have to be a sadist if he’s a Dom. Many couples enjoy more of a sensual style that incorporates various forms of bondage, like Shibari, and sensory exploration such as wax play and feather tickling. Your husband may not want to spank you or you may not want to be spanked. It’s OK, really.

Are you still with me?

Look, there’s no such thing as a 50 Shades of Grey lifestyle and anyone who’s using that rhetoric to draw you in is playing you. It was a piece of fiction and real life D/s is so very different. What you liked was the kinky sex and that he paid attention to her all the time. That’s what you really want. You want your husband to notice you and tell you he craves you. You want to feel his love to your core. You want the fire and passion you had when you were younger. You want to feel connected to him in every way and feel taken care of and cherished. Don’t buy into someone trying to capitalize off of your good intentions and dare I say, desperation. The advice they give you can cause irreparable harm. I was once given some really horrible “advice” by a so-called submissive when I was at an all-time low point and had I followed it Coach and I would be divorced right now. Know what I did? I told her to fuck off. Use your head and keep your bullshit meter going all the time.

An overly romanticized picture has been painted that no human can possibly live up to (psst…these people don’t live up to it either). Don’t get me wrong, there’s room for lots of romance and thrill. Just know that there are many novices out there posing as experts and mentors. Most of them have never stepped inside a real event or even met anyone in their local community. They’ve also never written any kind of fact-based cited article (let alone a book), but they’ve read all the D/s and BDSM books out there and memorized the terminology of the lifestyle so they can recite it like a parrot. They speak of protocol and mindfulness and wear their submission like some sort of garter belt clad super-sub, cape and all. They want you to know that they’re there for you and looking out for you. How selfless are they! Their own opinions mean the world to them and they want you to know every single one of them. They’ve devised their own methods and ways of doing things and have even cultivated “cute” terminology of their own. They work very hard at keeping you attached so you don’t wander away and seek out others who can help you because only they know who you truly are and what you need. You’ll be told time and time again that you have so much in common and are just like them. They collect submissive friends like your grandmother collected Beanie Babies in the 90s, but in the end you’re just one of many and if you don’t have any more value (meaning you’re not so helpless anymore and can no longer inflate their already over-inflated ego) your friendship is no longer required and you are dismissed.

Did that sound harsh? You bet it did. Doesn’t it all sound so very middle/high school? It’s out there, ladies, so use your common sense and don’t get lulled into false comradery. Your tribe can and should be made up of a variety of people from many walks of life because strength is always found in diversity. Choose your sources wisely because this is YOUR life and no one can tell you how to live it. Learn from those trusted and vetted in the community because their many years of experience will give you sound advice.

Still want in? Good, I’m glad.

I’m glad we had this chat. We’ll talk again real soon, I’m sure.Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Love,
~Elle
XOXO
Further Reading:

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner (3 part series)

Submission in Marriage – Shifting from Husband and Wife to Dominant and Submissive

BDSM and How To Bring it to Life in your Vanilla Marriage

 

Amuse-bouche

amuse-bouche (uh-MYUZ-boosh) noun

Similar to but not to be confused with hors d’oeuvre. This is a tidbit, often tiny, served as a free extra to keep you happy while you are waiting for your first course to come. It gives you an idea of the chef’s approach to cooking and the restaurant’s attention to your appetite.

[From French, literally, “mouth amuser”, from amuser (to amuse) + bouche (mouth). It’s more informal twin, amuse-gueule, is the same thing, but may be considered vulgar in some circles. Gueule is the French term for an animal’s mouth, bouche for a human’s.]

Sex and play comes in many forms for us. There are times when we tenderly make love and we form a peaceful and spiritual connection that transcends. There are other times when sex is a fun-filled boisterous romp and we play and laugh and tickle and squeal. We have primal times when we’re licking and biting and tearing into each other like wild beasts and I’m flipped and tossed and practically torn to pieces. There are times when it’s all about his pleasure and he just bends me over and has his way with me. There are other times when it’s all about my pleasure and he makes me cum over and over and over. All of these amazing times are fairly spontaneous or one morphs into another. Time, energy, mood, and homelife all contribute to how and when so we’re forced to be flexible.

And then there is the planned scene. These are unique times for us because we find we don’t always have the opportunity to do that we want to do to the extent we want to do it. These times, especially due to our schedules and homelife, take planning. Our scenes are very physical and when Coach’s sadistic side has lined up with my masochistic side we are loud and we don’t want to feel like the clock is ticking away and we have to hurry things up. It’s been hard to plan the last few months so what I’ve been getting instead is an assortment of amuse-bouche. I get a taste of the Chef’s creativity and desire. My mouth is amused and I want more, so much more, but we never get to the full meal.

So Good. So Rare.

“I’m coming home at noon. I have a big break during the day and I don’t have to be back at work until five.”

“Really? What are we going to do with all that time?”

Long pause

“Just be ready.”

“Hey, kids, Daddy has a big break this afternoon and he and I have some work to do. He’s going to eat lunch as soon as he gets in the door and then he and I are going to go up into our room and work. We do not want to be disturbed. You guys can watch any movie you want.”

An hour later

“How’s my girl?”

Long, deep, passionate kiss

“I’m good, Sir. I’m so excited you’re here right now.”

“Let’s see how excited you are. Take your clothes off and kneel on the bed.”

“Good girl. Now get on all fours. I want to inspect you.”

Pinch. Smack, smack, smack, smack. Pinch, pinch, pinch, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, bite, bite, bite, smack, smack, really hard bite.

“Scoot back to the edge, ass in the air, and rest your face on the bed. You’re not allowed to move.”

Mmmmmm

“That’s a beautiful site and it’s all mine.”

Yes, all yours, always

 

What Is A True Soul Mate?

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Sir, you are my true soul mate. You speak the truth in love and fight for my heart and mind. Thank you for never giving up on me and for pointing out truth from error, real from fake, fantasy from reality, and deception from uprightness.

Put The Dress On, Take It Off

The door opens unexpectedly. He’s home over an hour early. I wasn’t ready. I’m taken completely by surprise and I get flustered and confused. Why didn’t he call or text?

I run into the kitchen to get his dinner plated and served like I had been in there all along. I’m not in the dress he told me to be wearing. I’m just in a t-shirt and cutoffs, no bra, no panties, bare feet, hair a little messy, no makeup. I turn to greet him and he’s right there behind me. He kisses me lightly on my lips and puts his things down on the island and then sits at the table. He’s hungry. I put his plate on the table and stand next to him waiting for direction. He begins to eat so I sit. We chit chat. He’s just about finished and he tells me to go upstairs and put the dress on.

I dart up the stairs and I do a quick wash up, I brush out my hair. I slip the dress on without bra and panties. It’s form fitted and elegant. A light moss green with a light sheen and Asian inspired floral embroidery. A definite three season dress. V-neck, but not plunging, sleeveless. It shows off my curves perfectly. It’s the perfect dress for so many occasions and can easily go from day to evening.

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I cannot get the zipper up past mid-back and the top hangs off my shoulders. I have to hold it up to keep it from slipping off.

I sit on the bed and wait. Do I kneel? He hasn’t told me to kneel. I wait some more. And a little more. I stretch out across the width of the bed and grab my Kindle to read. A few minutes later he casually walks in. He asks what I’m reading. I tell him and he asks me to read it to him as he sits on the edge of the bed next to my feet. He runs a finger lightly up the inside of my right leg. I squirm. He gets off the bed, grabs my ankles and pulls me across the bed toward him. I squeal.

“Stand up.” I stand.
“Turn around and face me.” I turn.
“Let go of the dress.” I let go.
“Kiss me.” I kiss him.

Before I know it he spins me around, puts his hand on the back of my neck and shoves my face and torso down on the bed. He holds me down with one hand and with his other hand he pulls my dress up to my waist exposing my bare ass.

“Push your ass in the air.” I lift it high.
“Good girl.” Mmmmmm.

He begins to spank me, caress me, probe me, pinch me. I float. Time stands still.

“Stand up.” I stand.
“Take it off.” I shimmy it down my hips and let it fall to the floor.
“Nice dress.” Uh huh.

We Had Plans

We decided to take it easy on the 4th because the kids would be competing in a major athletic competition the next day and we didn’t want them worn out. Coach works so much anyway that when we’re having family time we tend to lay low so he can just focus on us and not have to deal with crowds and lines. We fish or go to the park or track. Many times we just hang out watching movies or have family dance competitions to Just Dance on Xbox (Coach can throw down). Other times we just catch up with each other and do all we can to make each other laugh. There are tickle wars and wrestling matches, cooking experiments and nerf gun battles. I will have you know I can rock Beyblade (if you have a boy10 and under you will understand what that is). Sometimes Coach issues major clean up orders and we all work as a team to get a household project done. As for our 4th of July plans it was to be a secluded fishing pond, a picnic blanket, and watching the fireworks that a swanky country club sets off, which happens to be the property adjacent to the pond. No one goes to this place and we have the best seats in the house.

But….

Our daughter’s cat got sick and she broke down in a puddle of tears and was worried beyond belief. He was OK in the morning, but as the day progressed poor Buddy wasn’t looking good. We were all worried. This cat came to us at a time when our daughter needed him and they are inseparable. We all love him. I thought Buddy would be alright, but we made the decison to stay home and keep our eyes in him. We had a carpet picnic instead and Coach taught our son how to attached lures to hooks. Daughter and I read (our default activity).

One of the most endearing things was watching Coach make periodic trips to check on Buddy. He’s an animal lover and has such a tender heart. He was so gentle and comforting with our daughter, too. A little while after we ate we saw that Buddy was looking and acting better. I had given him some stabilized oxygen because if it was bacterial this would kill it. Well, it must have been and he was perking up. We thought maybe we could go watch the fireworks afterall, but then it started to rain and even thiugh that was short-lived we saw that rain would be sporadic and would most likely fall right at our pond.. The kids were so happy that Buddy was doing better that they didn’t care. They got themselves ready for bed and we asleep by 8:30. They smiled in their sleep.

We knew we needed to be up at 4:00 am so we made our way to our bedroom. No, we did not have fireworks. Coach gave me a much needed massage instead and kissed me well. Neighborhood fireworks were on display from our bedroom window and as we settled into bed we talked of future plans, our love for each other and how blessed we are. We talked about sexy D/s things and our D/s goals and fantasies. We had a peaceful sleep.

Right now I am in the stands at this major competition. Coach is an official here today because he wants to make sure all the rules are followed for this most important event. Our kids our warming up and I am wearing my assistant coach’s hat.

Tonight we will have our fireworks, but today we are first and foremost dad and mom, supporting and cheering on our kids.

P.S. Buddy is doing just fine.

I Lost My Virginity!

Let me explain. Last week, on Valentine’s Day, we celebrated our 25th anniversary. We had an amazing and long overdue weekend together, filled with lots of sex, bondage, and play, lots of laughter, and lots of love. It was just the two of us and we didn’t have to worry about bumping into anyone we knew. We stayed at a beautiful hotel in a very kinky city, ate fabulous food (crème brûlée  is such a sexy dessert), shared fantasies and dreams, and simply enjoyed each other immensely.

Leading up to the weekend we had a series of breakthroughs, which we continue to explore, and all I can say is that opening up to each other in the way that we have has made all the difference in the world. I’ll tell you this, in the past I thought we had experienced breakthroughs, but you really know you’ve had one when it has the power to transform you in the blink of an eye. It was an instant, and dare I say, miraculous metamorphosis. Everything we had been doing and feeling up until now prepared us for this transfiguration. It has been an exotic, erotic, esoteric, and a truly euphoric couple of weeks. Right now I am especially proud of how I made such good use of the letter “E”.

Now, about that virginity – I am no longer a strip club virgin! On the evening of our anniversary we went to a very upscale Gentlemen’s Club and I enjoyed it with a big fat smile on my face and very wet panties, well not really because I wasn’t wearing any panties. I wore a slinky low cut red dress that showed off my endowment quite nicely (a good push up bra makes all the difference), a pair of corset-laced fishnet stockings, a sexy waist cincher garter belt, and a gorgeous pair of peep-toe, black patent leather stiletto shoe-booties. I totally rocked that ensemble.
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No VIP room this time around, but we have plans (big plans) for the very near future at what we’ve heard is an especially sexy club where we live.

I always thought I didn’t want to go to a strip club and for a long time it was a hard limit for me. This is a classic example of when a hard limit may not actually be a hard limit. You see, I had a fear that he would think less of me if I wanted to go. He never wanted to pressure me, so even though I said I would go if he wanted me to, he would always say no. His thinking was that I was only saying yes for him, and even though there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, he wanted to know for a fact that it was something I desired. Part of the breakthrough was knocking down those kinds of walls.

Just this morning we talked about willful submission and what that means to him. He’s not the kind of Dom that will use force to break me. He wants me to give myself over in every way because that is my true desire…and it is. Don’t get me wrong, he will push my limits, but his philosophy is that if he has to hem and haw to get me to submit then we have a serious problem. He’s been patient, and even when it looked like we weren’t moving forward, we were indeed moving rapidly. Oh yes, he had a plan all along, and he was going to do it his way because no one knows me better and knows exactly what I need to grow.

We stand before each other today as husband and wife, Dominant and submissive, Lovers, Best Friends, and Partners in all manner of soon-to-be-fulfilled erotic fantasies. Oh, if you only knew! 2014 is shaping up to be one damn fine year!

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Happy Anniversary

Brick by brick we kicked them down
Who’s that saying stay in your bounds?
We’ve risen to a higher ground

Now we’re living life as it should be
Can you believe our fantasies?
It’s always been just you and me

We’re doing it our way
We’re both here to stay
It’s a new day
They can’t take that away

Show me everything you see
I hope you know I’m here to please?
You always give just the right tease

We both have so much more to live
Do you know how much I want to give?
I’m your loving submissive

We’re doing it our way
We’re both here to stay
It’s a new day
They can’t take that away

Happy 25th Anniversary to my fucking hot as hell husband and most amazing Dominant. I love you, baby, and always will.

His Muscles02

Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?

HA!!!!! The answer is a big fat YES! Tell us something we don’t know NY Times!

Here is The New York Times Magazine article and it’s good.

Here’s the data from the American Sociological Review

Read The Times article if you or your husband are trying to work through difficult issues in D/s. I think you’ll find some valuable information. It’s very well written. I don’t like some of the conclusions drawn in the end because they aren’t looking at this from the perspective we have in the community, but there is some really good food for thought and can really get you and your spouse talking openly and honestly.

Let me know what you think!

~Elle