Thank you everyone for following my blog! I really didn’t think anyone would ever be interested, to tell you the truth. I officially reached 50 followers and in blog-land that’s nothing, but it means the world to me.
XOXOXO to you all!
I’ve censored myself a lot over this last month only because I’ve been so used to doing it in my life. In my vanilla world I’ve had to be very careful of what I say, when I say it, and to whom I say it, and to make a mistake really could mean being ostracized. Now that I’ve gotten my bearings I feel like I can let out more of me.
Thank you to all the blog writers out there for being bold, speaking your mind, and keeping it real. I’ve learned so much from you. Lifestyle choices mean big changes and you need some guidance to get you through it all. Thank you for being a “guiding light” and helping us find our way through the D/s and BDSM maze.
A little bit about me that you may have picked up…I was addicted to magazines and I know it comes out in my writing style. I became addicted to magazines when I was about 11 or 12 when my grandmother bought me a subscription to W because she wanted me to get a sense of style and learn about the designers. I used to love drooling over those pages and she and I would go through the Neiman Marcus and Saks’ catalogs like our lives depended on it. Fun fact…I used to sell men’s fragrance at Lord & Taylor on 5th Ave. in Manhattan. I sold Guerlain’s Vetiver to Liz Claiborne and Chanel Pour Monsieur to Meryl Streep. I spent my entire paycheck in that store almost every payday (I was 19).
I’ve had subscriptions to everything (Cosmo, Elle, Vogue, InStyle, Mademoiselle, Glamour, Women’s Day, Parenting, Family Fun, Prevention, National Geographic, Forbes…even Biblical Archaeology Review…probably 100 total and 30 at any given time). I loved all the glossy pages, pretty pictures, articles, ideas, tips, and tricks. I’ve dropped all those subscriptions (many of which I bought by trading in airline miles) because it wasn’t the most practical of hobbies. Pinterest has been a God-send as it satisfies that deep “how-to” hunger in me and I spend $0.
With the above paragraph in mind, please enjoy the “how-to” chart below. There are so many women who’ve said they can’t have an orgasm through vaginal penetration. These modified positions are by the author Timothy Ferris and I hope it helps you ladies out there!
Thanks again for following!
I bet you’ve been waiting all week to find out the winner of the coveted Dingy Crotch award, haven’t you? I’m sure the The Academy Awards paled in comparison and made you wonder how many of those actresses were wearing granny panties. Oh, wait, what am I thinking, starlets and wanna-bes like to expose themselves as they climb out of limousines in the most ungraceful of ways. Seriously, you don’t get out of a car with your legs spread open for the world to see. Bless my father’s soul for teaching me how to get in and out of a car like a lady! Dads, do your daughter a favor and take the lead teaching her manners and etiquette. That mantle always falls on mom, but she is to be her example of proper etiquette and manners and reinforce what you teach your daughter.
Back to granny panties…It was close and our panel of distinguished judges had a very hard time making a decision. Our selection was based on three criteria:
- They must officially be “Granny Panties,” not just large underwear.
- They had to say “I am not sexy not matter how you wear me.”
- You had to have entered the contest.
I know those are strict rules, but we run a tight ship here! So, without further ado (because the Dingy Crotch award is where I make fun you and your underwear), the winner is:
Can you believe these suckers?
Did you really think that little strip of lace at the waistband was going to make them attractive?
If you still own them, please have your Sir read this…Sir, please tie her up with these things.I think there is a sufficient amount of fabric to tie up both her ankles and wrists.
What was your motivation for buying them in the first place, I wonder?
That allure of a soggy looking crotch that looks like a baby’s loaded diaper?
Perhaps it’s the appeal of thin cotton and poorly sew-on elastic?
Buy one get one free at Wal-mart?
Fond memories of being 13 and having to wear enormous maxi-pads?
Knowing there’s no way that fabric can slip between the cracks?
Hoping someone would come along and give you a wedgie?
Oh, the possibilities are endless. I could go on and on.
I feel I have done the world a valuable service. There will be one less pair of granny panties in the world and I, for one, feel like Rand Paul in a filibuster. I have said my piece, now go in peace.
Do yourself and your Sir a favor and ditch the dreaded
Seriously, do you have them in your drawer? Granny panties are lazy and ugly and sooooo not sexy. You should always be appealing to your Dom by wearing something that makes you and him feel appreciated. Oh, I can hear you whining now, “But what will I wear when I have my period?” You and I both know you’re not wearing those ugly old things only on the days you have your period. You’re also saying that bikinis and thongs don’t feel comfortable or that underwear is so expensive. Come on, you can get cute underwear from Target, for goodness sake. And you need to be training your ass anyway.
No more excuses! There’s only one good use for you nasty granny panties…have your Dom use them for tying you up. You should be good and spanked for having them in the first place. Here are some granny panty alternatives:
OK, you have your orders for the day. Today is the day you throw them away. It’s better to go commando than subject your bum, not to mention your Dom, to them. Send me a photo of your ugly granny panties (clean photos only, please…don’t be a skank) and the ugliest pair wins “The Dingy Crotch” award. That basically means I make fun of your granny panties on my blog.
Photos courtesy of Pinterest