This started out as another Lessons in Submission post about not making excuses, but as I started searching online for supplemental material I came across a post called 6 Ways to Ruin Your Submissive over at Dominance by Design. It’s a practical guide for the Dominant on how to work the D/s dynamic and can really help a submissive understand and respect a Dominant’s position.
This perspective really took me to task and helped me examine my ways. I’m not saying I’m a bratty sub, but I’m a work in progress. My Sir and I are in this together, and if I claim to own my submission (which I have), then my responsibility is to not allow myself to get ruined! Why make his job harder? What good would that do me? There are so many yummy things we could be doing than to have to deal with inappropriate behavior from me!
Let me know what you think and remember to go give a pat on the back to The Artful Dominate for his wonderful post.
6 Ways to Ruin Your Submissive
A submissive doesn’t come with an instruction manual and there’s no such thing as a perfect dominant. You can read every lifestyle book you can get your hands on, talk to other Doms, and attend lifestyle workshops. Yet you can still be left with a nagging feeling that you don’t always get it exactly right.
Perhaps you know lots of the DOs when it comes to the training and care of a submissive but have you ever wished you had a list of the DON’Ts? Even if you think you’re doing your best, sometimes it might not be enough. Take a look at this list of six sure-fire ways to spoil your submissive.
Six dominant mistakes that will spoil your submissive and can ruin your relationship.
1. Give in – No matter what your submissive wants, she gets it. Whether it’s that shiny new sex toy she found online or letting her off the hook for that chore she just really hates or making it a habit to give her all the things she wants done to her, giving her everything she asks for is the breeding ground for a spoiled, indulged, and coddled brat who will soon learn that she can always get her way by manipulating you with her emotions. Especially in D/s relationships, it isn’t uncommon for a Dom to fall in love with his submissive. There isn’t anything wrong with that. Personally I wouldn’t wish to own a girl who didn’t give me reasons to fall in love with her. But the danger you have to guard against is subordinating the power exchange dynamic by treating your relationship more as a romantic arrangement between equals . Doing so creates a lukewarm, superficial dominant/submissive relationship that in the end won’t likely satisfy either of you. There is nothing wrong with granting her requests occasionally, rewarding her for good service, and doing those little things she enjoys that make her feel happy from time to time. However, a submissive also needs regular reminders of who and what her position and role in the relationship is.
What to do instead: When you agree to let her have that new sex toy she is coveting or to indulge her desire for that special activity in the bedroom she really likes, link it to something she has done recently to please you. In other words make it a reward for good service and let her feel she has earned it. Doing that will prevent her from developing a sense of entitlement and will instead cultivate in her a firm understanding that she doesn’t own you, you own her. This will help her grow in her submission.
2. Don’t Discipline – If your submissive acts out, breaks the rules, fails to complete a chore or assignment according to your expectations, or says or does something disrespectful, you can’t overlook it and do nothing. Lack of discipline in a dominance/submissive relationship often stems again from seeing your partner more as your wife or girlfriend than as your submissive. It is quite natural to find it hard and even to loathe having to discipline someone you love, so many dominants are disinclined to administer corrective discipline even when it is clearly warranted. They rationalize it by convincing themselves that discipline either is a negative thing that doesn’t really work or else that their submissive doesn’t need it. This fosters in a submissive the belief that there are never any consequences for bad behavior.That kind of situation can lead to serious problems in your relationship. Just as children thrive with boundaries and rules of behavior, so does a submissive. The need to have firmly established boundaries is something most submissive women need to feel safe, secure, and protected. Many times they will intentionally act out not because they just feel like misbehaving but to test the boundaries to make certain they are still firmly in place. In the absence of consequences for bad behavior, the line between good and bad can become blurred or seem non-existent and a submissive can start to feel insecure and unprotected.
What to do instead: Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your submissive. Make certain that she clearly understands your expectations as to what she is to do and how she is to behave. If she acts out you need to Dom up and mete out appropriate corrective discipline. It doesn’t always have to be corporal punishment. That can be effective and timely but some submissive women enjoy things like OTK spanking and so in such cases using that for discipline wouldn’t be very effective. Taking away a privilege she enjoys can be in such cases much more effective. Do remember to talk with her and to make certain she understands why she is being disciplined and don’t go overboard. Make certain the punishment fits the crime.
3. Always Make Excuses for Them – When a submissive makes a mistake or breaks a rule perhaps not intentionally but out of negligence, it is always a temptation for a Dom to feel partly responsible. I think is quite normal for a Dom like anyone in a leadership position of any kind to feel that he has failed too whenever a subordinate fails. Perhaps I didn’t communicate the rule or expectation clearly enough or I didn’t do an adequate job of training her. We want to believe in our submissive and feel like she always gives one hundred-percent effort and does her best. This can lead us to rationalize, to make excuses for her, perhaps to even blame ourselves and take upon ourselves the responsibility for her mistake or error. While we all want to have confidence in our submissive girls, turning a blind eye to their transgressions or living in denial is not the answer. You must make your submissive understand she is not above the rules and that even unintentional mistakes when due to negligence have repercussions.
What to do instead: If your submissive makes a mistake due to carelessness, negligence, or purposely disregards a rule or to meet an expectation, take the appropriate corrective action, impose discipline if it is warranted. Do explain what she did wrong and make certain she understands why she is being disciplined so she doesn’t end up feeling you are being unfair or unreasonable. If however, she makes an honest mistake, a situation where she was neither clearly carelessness or negligent, then perhaps instead of discipline just sitting her down and talking it out may adequately take care of the situation. The goal is always to keep her from repeating the same mistakes over and over regardless of what the causative factors were. Oftentimes, just knowing she has disappointed you might reduce her to tears and it can seem that she has punished herself enough for a misdeed. But as mentioned earlier in the discussion about corrective discipline, don’t hesitate to use it when a situation clearly calls for it.
4. Don’t Push Her Limits – If I had to pick out the most critical responsibility that every Dom has toward a submissive, it would be to ensure that he creates an environment where she can grow in her submission. Growth in the lifestyle is best affected by helping her to push her limits and expand her boundaries. Especially with novice submissive women, quite often they come into the lifestyle with a veritable laundry list of limits both soft and hard, things she is either reluctant or simply unwilling to try. Many of those limits are due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of experience, or feeling intimidated by the very thought of trying some activities. Since D/s is always consensual, limits must always be respected. A submissive should never be coerced or forced to participate in an activity that she has disclosed as a limit, but especially when it comes to soft limits, they do need to be pushed. When a submissive says some activity is a soft limit, she isn’t saying she absolutely won’t ever do the activity under any circumstances. She is saying not yet or that she needs for you to discuss it with her before she is asked to do it. Thus, soft limits are especially fertile ground for expanding her boundaries and helping her to grow. If her Dom never encourages her to push her limits, she won’t grow, at least efficiently and perhaps it may prevent her from every realizing her real potential. She can become too comfortable with the status quo and even become resistant to attempting what is necessary to grow.
What to do instead: It is important and proper to want you submissive to tell you what interests her and so you need to ask her that very early on but never be satisfied with her just giving you a lengthy list of all the things she wants done to her. If she is reluctant to even discuss trying things that she finds a little intimidating or scary that you need from a relationship then perhaps this lifestyle isn’t really for her. She needs to have a desire to grow and a willingness to do what is needed to experience it. But perhaps even more importantly you need to have the will to encourage her to try new things so she can grow.
5. Set a Bad Example – Some days a submissive may not feel all that submissive and likewise some days a Dom doesn’t feel like exercising dominance. That is just human nature but as the leader, the guiding force in the relationship, a Dom just can’t ignore his responsibility to provide guidance, supervision, and training just because it has been a hectic week at the office or he has a lot of other things on his plate and feels tired. Just as you have expectations of your submissive like following rules and meeting needs you have, she has needs to be met and expectations of you as well. You should always strive to lead by example. Not living up to your responsibilities to her and the relationship sets a bad example. If you don’t fulfill your responsibilities on a consistent basis, if you don’t keep your word, if you make excuses, if you talk the dominant talk but don’t walk the walk, your actions will speak louder than words. You’re wrong if you think your submissive isn’t paying attention. If she senses you don’t take your responsibilities seriously she is likely to mimic your behavior if exposed to it frequently.
What to do instead: Resolve to be a model example in front of your submissive. Don’t let competing interests prevent you from addressing the needs of your submissive and from giving the relationship the consistent attention it deserves.
6. Not Being Engaged – Choosing to make a habit of working late when you don’t have to over getting home regularly in time for dinner, being irritable or short with her when she has done nothing wrong, or just plain ignoring your submissive are all examples of not being fully engaged. A submissive woman needs to feel valued. She needs reassurance that she is pleasing and useful. She needs a consistent conduit through which she can express her submissive nature by obediently serving and pleasing her Dom. Her gift of submission earns her the right to feel you consider her worthy of your attention, respect, and affection. A submissive can’t feel centered, safe, and protected if neglected. She is likely to become dissatisfied, unhappy, and even depressed.
What to do instead: Even if you’ve got a packed work schedule or other matters that require your attention, don’t neglect your submissive or the relationship. Aim to schedule regular blocks of time dedicated to her. Watch a movie together and allow her to revel in occupying her humble place at your feet. Allow her to pleasure you sexually. She needs your engagement. She needs you to teach her what she must do, how she must behave, and most importantly she needs you to remind her who and what she really is, your valued possession.