Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?

HA!!!!! The answer is a big fat YES! Tell us something we don’t know NY Times!

Here is The New York Times Magazine article and it’s good.

Here’s the data from the American Sociological Review

Read The Times article if you or your husband are trying to work through difficult issues in D/s. I think you’ll find some valuable information. It’s very well written. I don’t like some of the conclusions drawn in the end because they aren’t looking at this from the perspective we have in the community, but there is some really good food for thought and can really get you and your spouse talking openly and honestly.

Let me know what you think!

~Elle

How to be a Submissive Wife

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Across the internet you will find such a variety of information on this topic that your head may just pop off from all the confusion. If you’re married and you and your spouse actively engage in a D/s dynamic I would bet my right arm you did not start out that way. This is something you came across from reading or a having a random conversation with a friend and it spoke to you on a profound level. Here’s the thing, most websites out there don’t understand the unique challenges married women like us face. Roles may have been deeply established for over 20 years and making a transition and releasing your control and having your husband establish firm leadership and control may take some time. You have to break old habit patterns or else you’ll be like the Titanic with its puny rudder trying to make that turn to avoid the iceberg. You must navigate these waters with a keen eye and you must view him and your roles in the relationship differently.

For anyone who’s curious about this lifestyle I would say you must begin releasing that control before you ever have a conversation with him and ask him to be your Dominant. That conversation will be so much easier if he’s already started seeing changes. You must use wisdom here because a major lifestyle change does not happen overnight and there is no one formula that will magically transport you both into your new D/s roles.

I have spent a couple of years reading and reading and when I find something good, I like to pass it on. I hope you enjoy what I found. It comes from The Thinking Housewife and it’s an answer to a reader’s question.

Enjoy! ~Elle

http://www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2010/04/how-to-be-a-submissive-wife/

How to be a Submissive Wife

A READER WRITES:

I’ve been going through much thinking about myself and my role in my marriage. I truly believe that I am meant to be the best housewife and homemaker for my family through being submissive, as it describes in the Bible. I already consider myself a bit controlling (not mean though), but unmasking my ultra-feminine self and doing everything to make my husband and home happy and memorable is what I feel is my life’s purpose.

Problem? I’m married to what I consider a “beta male.” He financially provides for my family very well, but when it comes to everything else, I’m the one in charge. I plan everything from our meals, outings, children’s schooling and academics, even the home we live in and the vehicles we drive (although his own car was completely his choice). This is a controlling female’s dream I guess, but I just am confounded at my role as a “submissive wife” to a man that’s is 100 percent comfortable with me making all the decisions. I’m not uncomfortable being the “sole spender” and am happy to buy whatever I please without him jumping down my throat about it….I’m very grateful he isn’t controlling or a jerk, but I just am curious if you can tell me what your idea of being a submissive wife is, and how I could possibly be one with my beta husband?

I just want to unleash the ultra-feminine core of myself…and be great doing it.

Laura writes

I admire your desire to do the best for your marriage and your awareness of the danger in always taking charge.

If your husband is supporting you and your children on his own, he is not a “beta” male, no matter how much in manner or domestic decision-making you may feel he resembles one. When you are in the process of making a decision, do you ask for his help? If so, does he decline to help? He may actually be leaving these things up to you out of deference, a desire not to tread on your turf, and he may not sense that you want help. I wouldn’t ask him to be generally more involved in decisions, but take each one as it happens and request his input. We all would like our spouses to intuitively grasp what we want, but that often doesn’t happen. If he is leaving discipline of your children entirely up to you, I would suggest the same thing. Let him know you are struggling or overwhelmed in the face of some problem. A wife generally knows what children need better than a working husband. You may have to let him know more than once, especially if he is busy. Be patient with this and be confident that he will eventually help. The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed.

Many women make the important decisions about home and children. Think of the husband as delegating this reponsibility to the wife. A submissive role does not mean a woman has no authority of her own. In all probability, your husband is too busy to think of these things and trusts your judgment. So you are being submissive to him in taking on these responsibilities. I realize all these decisions can be burdensome. If you are tired of always being in charge, you might say to your husband, in a moment when he himself is not preoccupied and burdened, that you often question your own decisions and feel the stress of keeping things in order.  Try not to second-guess yourself. You are not perfect and are going to make some wrong choices. Don’t judge yourself harshly if you make a bad decision. You are trying and that is what matters.

Try to resist at all costs adding up what you are doing against what he is doing. Don’t keep a balance sheet. Whenever you feel this inclination coming on, fight it. A marriage counselor I once met at a social gathering told me that there are three phases to every marriage: 1) Infatuation 2) Power struggle 3) Mature love. Here we see what’s wrong with marriage therapy. At no point should a marriage be a power struggle. To view it that way is to pervert it. She seemed to be saying this was a perfectly normal and inevitable part of marriage.

A submissive wife is someone who does not rule a husband with her moods and emotions and who devotes herself to making a man’s life better. Male authority is loving oversight and resolve, a form of detachment from the hothouse of conflict that family life often resembles. When we talk about submission and authority in marriage, we are referring to something entirely different from roles in other spheres of life. It’s not the same thing as an employer/employee relationship. It always occurs in the context of love.

In general, a woman who wants a man to be more masculine must let him see her vulnerability and weakness. If she appears always in charge and in no need of his competence, he may withdraw from the field of action. I’m not suggesting a woman feign helplessness, but that she should let him see and help him understand her inadequacies. Most men want to protect the people they love. Typically, a man will respond to a plea for help out of this natural instinct provided that the plea is not part of an attack on his character or on his past actions. A submissive wife who demands a man be in control or who criticizes him for not being in control is not a submissive wife at all.

50 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex, but Doesn’t

Yes, finally, as promised, but better late than never.

If you missed the list for men you can find it here.

In case you’re wondering why everything on these two lists isn’t specifically about sex, it’s because sex is not just a physical act, it’s also mental, emotional, and even spiritual. I write from a D/s perspective so for those involved in D/s you’ll see how relatable these items are to your relationship, but even for many men and women of different relationships, the build up to great sex starts with your mind and then continues with your words and actions. Let me know what you think.

Enjoy ~Elle xxoo

  1. You should know that the quality of your sex life will affect your relationship and numerous other areas of your life
  2. You should know how to love him unconditionally
  3. You should know his inner, secret longing and desires
  4. You should know his priorities in life
  5. You should know how he evaluates you and your femininity
  6. You should know how to make him feel like a man
  7. You should know what makes him feel needed
  8. You should know that he craves to own you
  9. You should know that he desires to be served by you
  10. You should know that he wants to be respected by you
  11. You should know that he wants to be appreciated by you
  12. You should know that he wants to be admired by you
  13. You should know that he wants you to be proud of him
  14. You should know that he wants praise from you
  15. You should know that he want you to be as consistent as you expect him to be
  16. You should know how to read his facial expressions and body language
  17. You should know that he cannot read your mind
  18. You should know that he wants you to understand when to speak and when to listen
  19. You should know that he wants you to pay attention when he speaks
  20. You should know that he does not want to be compared to other men
  21. You should know that he wants to guard your heart, protect your emotions, defend your honor, and stand as a champion for your spiritual, mental, and physical well-being
  22. You should know that the confidence you exude is a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  23. You should know that how you take care of yourself is also a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  24. You should know that there is nothing more beautiful, captivating, attractive, and sensual to him than when you glow with an inner grace
  25. You should know that although he will do everything to make you happy, he wants you to find the happiness that comes from inside
  26. You should know what relaxes him
  27. You should know that he needs time and space to process and evaluate
  28. You should know how to intensify his dominance
  29. You should know how to obey his directives
  30. You should know that he wants you to be honest with him
  31. You should know that everyone is not having more or better sex than you
  32. You should know he wants you to be proactive and learn what works to transition from your everyday life to your D/s life
  33. You should know your clitoris is basically a tiny penis, but is mostly internal
  34. You should know your vagina is like a snowflake; each one is different and unique
  35. You should know that any shame, guilt, or fear you carry will keep you from enjoying pleasure
  36. You should know that he really enjoys pleasing you
  37. You should know that he loves it when you love your body
  38. You should know how to talk dirty
  39. You should know how to talk enticingly and seductively
  40. You should know how to tease his body and draw out his excitement
  41. You should know every erogenous zone on his body
  42. You should know how to use your mouth and tongue to drive him wild with pleasure
  43. You should know he doesn’t want you to hold anything back
  44. You should know where your G-spot is
  45. You should know how to heighten his sensations with small adjustments
  46. You should know how to get an insatiable sex drive
  47. You should know how to increase your sexual energy
  48. You should know how to control your orgasms
  49. You should know that he wants to watch you enjoy touching yourself
  50. You should know that there is more than one sexual prime, which can peak at various stages depending on factors such as emotional health, physical health, and current state of family life

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50 Things Every Man Should Know About Sex, but Doesn’t

I found this list accidentally a while back on a site called The 2-Hour Sex Prodigy and made some adjustments so as to use it as a tool for conversation. I have absolutely no idea if the 2-Hour Sex Prodigy system works and this is by no means an endorsement, but I’ll give them credit for the list since it’s the right thing to do.

The list gives a pretty concise look at what many of us want our Doms to aspire to. While some may be strong in some of these areas don’t take that as inability. I also don’t recommend running up to your Dom exclaiming, “Look, I have a list of what you’re supposed to be doing. Elle gave it to me.” I may just take your ass over my knee if I hear of that happening. DON’T read this list and judge your Dom because that’s not the purpose. We all have our things to work on and my advice is to work on yourself first and foremost, but I’m not unaware of the fact that we have submissive needs and would like our needs met.

What you can do is start writing down how you feel about many of these categories in a journal that your Dom can read. I started using an app called Chapter – Shared Journal For 2. My Sir can see everything I’ve written from his app and we can privately comment back and forth. It’s better than texting because you can password protect it (so nosey children don’t read your comments) and put everything in categories; you can even include photos.

So here’s the list…enjoy!

  1. You should know that the quality of your sex life will affect your relationship and numerous other areas of your life
  2. You should know how to love her unconditionally
  3. You should know her inner, secret, longings and desires
  4. You should know her priorities in life
  5. You should know how she evaluates you and your masculinity
  6. You should know how to unfold her femininity
  7. You should know how she craves to feel owned by you
  8. You should know how she craves to serve you
  9. You should know how she wants you to challenge her
  10. You should know how to read her facial expressions and body language
  11. You should know how to relax her
  12. You should know how to intensify her submissiveness
  13. You should know how to lead her directly and indirectly using your voice
  14. You should know how to take over her mind using your voice
  15. You should know how to mind fuck her using your voice
  16. You should know how to develop your disciplinarian trait
  17. You should know how to develop your encourager trait
  18. You should know how she wants you to protect her
  19. You should know how to develop your self-reliance trait
  20. You should know how to develop your resolution trait
  21. You should know how to develop your honor trait
  22. You should know how to develop your courage and bravery traits
  23. You should know how to develop your perseverance trait
  24. You should know how to be charismatic and charming
  25. You should know how she craves seduction and foreplay
  26. You should know how to handle her body and move her where you want her
  27. You should know how to talk dirty
  28. You should know how to talk enticingly and seductively
  29. You should know her secret, sexual confessions
  30. You should know how to bring out her wild, animalistic lust
  31. You should know how to encourage and reveal her dirty, naughty side
  32. You should know how to tease her body and draw out her excitement
  33. You should know every erogenous zone on her body and when to trigger it
  34. You should know how to use your mouth and tongue to drive her wild with pleasure
  35. You should know how to awaken her G-spot out of its sleep
  36. You should know how to take full control of her G-spot and make it tremble with pleasure
  37. You should know how to awaken and thrill her deep spots
  38. You should know how to excite her cervix
  39. You should know how to awaken her anal pleasure spot
  40. You should know how to make her feel your girth better
  41. You should know how to control her orgasmic contractions
  42. You should know how to heighten her sensations with small adjustments
  43. You should know how to tease her continuously at the brink of orgasm
  44. You should know how to stimulate her clitoris and how to draw it out
  45. You should know how to raise her post-orgasmic sensations so she orgasms again and again
  46. You should know how to heighten her sensations with pressure points
  47. You should know how to get an insatiable sex drive
  48. You should know how to increase your sexual energy
  49. You should know how to control your ejaculations and get stronger erections
  50. You should know how to take care of her after you’ve played

keep-calm-and-dominate-1

Don’t worry, men, her list is coming…

Lessons in Submission – Lesson #4

FREE-FALL INTO TOTAL ABANDON

Last Sunday, tragedy knocked on our door and tried to take a foothold. Fear was right behind, along with doubt, anger, and grief. My Sir discovered his 87 year old father unconscious and barely breathing. We were both initially shocked, as anyone would be, but we moved forward into the unknown. I started to become overwhelmed, which was exacerbated by the fact that we had just come off of our Yom Kippur fast the night before and we just had a week of very hard weather that was taking a toll on many where we live. We both went into autopilot/survival/necessity mode.

Inevitable death is at our doorstep and we have had to make a series of very difficult choices for the future, but I believe we’ve used wisdom and because of that we have some peace.

“Another reason why people are feeling overwhelmed is because people are not in true survival or crisis mode as often as they have been in much of our history. The interesting thing about crisis is that it actually produces a type of serenity. Why? Because in a crisis, people have to integrate all kinds of information that’s potentially relevant; they have to make decisions quickly, they have to then trust their intuitive judgment calls in the moment. They have to act. They’re constantly course-correcting based on data that’s coming up, and they’re very focused on some outcome, usually live – you know, survive. Don’t burn up. Don’t die.”

– David Allen as quoted in the Atlantic

We can let the example and repercussions of a poorly lived life make us retreat and hide or we can take hold of the life we have right now and live it. We had an amazing talk the other night and made some decisions the suit us. I am happy to say that we choose life! We don’t want to wait any longer for those things that truly make us happy. “Let’s wait until next year” has turned into “Let’s do this right now!” We talked about how we can accomplish what we want in the here and now. We also made the firm decision that even if we don’t fully understand everything, he is my Dominate and I am his submissive and it’s never going away. This is who we are.

InterracialLove40_thumb

Your Domination and submission will be put through many tests along the way. How will you stand? We have chosen free-fall into total abandon. No holding back.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot: How BDSM Made Me More Mindful

I saw this article this morning and it’s had me thinking all day. The author really nails it for me about what if feels like to give up control. Like the author, I have a mind that doesn’t stop and I’ve tried meditation over the years, but it never worked. This life is the only thing that has EVER gotten me to stop and focus completely and totally in the moment. I don’t have my to do list running in the back of my head and I don’t think about what I look like or who I am. I am connected to him and his touch and his words and his control. I am completely and totally in the moment and I am his.

Hit Me with Your Best Shot: 3 Ways BDSM Made Me More Mindful. {Adult}

hot bondage girl

My first introduction to kink happened at a goth bar and involved a guy with a Pauly D haircut, a custom made wooden paddle and my ass.

I wasn’t expecting the encounter when I put on a black dress and joined my co-worker for a night of drinks and Depeche Mode, but the initial stings sparked new sensations that alerted me to ways of feeling I never thought possible.

Pauly-D-Hair had gone to a fetish ball the night before; while there, he spanked all the (consenting) women who walked by with his brand new toy. I am a curious cat and I wanted to know more about the fetish ball—what was it, who was there, what happened at one. He answered my questions, but kept returning to the paddle, he just wouldn’t shut up about how amazing it was and how everyone who felt it loved it, etc. Finally, I made him retrieve it so I could discover what all the fuss was about.

In the middle of the crowded club, he bent me over his knee and lifted up my dress exposing my lacy underwear to the world. The object was like a giant wooden spoon and when it came down across my ass, a mega-rush of energy and excitement surged through my body. Was it the exhibitionism of it? Was it the literal pain? Was it the psychology of doing something outside of the small box of acceptable sexual behavior? Perhaps it was a little bit of all three. It wasn’t glittery glamour sexy, it was the deep recesses of a dark cold dungeon sexy. And I realized that’s where I wanted to be.

We set up a scene.

And then another.

I’ve always been a rather high-strung person; I’ve had plenty of friends tell me how much I would benefit from meditation, but I was always like, “whatever, I’m fine.” I’ve been lightly experimenting with different avenues of BDSM for almost a year now and through this journey I have discovered that it has brought me much closer to mindfulness and a sense of calm being—a place I would not have gone without experimenting with my masochistic side.

Three Ways BDSM Made Me More Mindful

1. Practiced Stillness

“Cuffs or rope?” he asked me. It was my first time in a “scene.”

“Rope,” I said, wanting him to work for it.

I didn’t want the restraint of me to be easy.

But then, there I was, naked, wrists over my head, tied to a metal hook in the ceiling.

I’ve always been the leader of a group. I’ve bossed my past boyfriends around easily without even blinking. I’ve persistently complained about any injustice I see come my way. I’ve stood up for the weirdos and the outcasts. I’ve studied and studied the patriarchal system, misogyny, power dynamics;  yet, nothing has felt better than for a moment in time being able to let that all go. To be still. To allow someone else complete control and just be. No decisions, no defending, no debate.

It took me being tied up, unable to move, to realize the value in stillness. I realized it was time to stop running from my problems and get tough—take a couple of hits and power through. If I can take a beating in the bedroom, I can take on any sort of challenges that come my way outside it—and perhaps even enjoy overcoming them.

bdsm scrabble

2. Present in the PleasurePain

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life but the ability to cope with it.” ~ Unknown

The practice of BDSM requires absolute trust in the partner at play.

When he released his hands from my throat he asked me why I liked what he did.

“It’s because you’re paying attention,” I said.

bdsm rope work

The art of domination and submission takes concentration, complete communication and knowledge of how the body functions and speaks. When I am spanked or choked or slapped, I become present with the sensation. I am nowhere else but where I am. The hits awaken my sense of being; I’m not thinking about my past or future, I am letting the body flow, savoring the moment of intensity between my partner and I.

3. Escape to Sub Space

I have a few friends who are mega into meditating; they spend hours at a time doing it. I know that a major element of meditating is learning how to clear the mind. For those who may not be into meditating or want to attempt to get to that clearness another way, entering what’s known as sub space in a scene is a good way to do such clearing. Sub space is often characterized as a state of deep recession, a way for submissives to separate themselves from their environment in order to process the experience.

stilness

The intensity of a BDSM scene, the restraints, the infliction of pain, causes the body to release enough chemicals—epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a big dose of endorphins and enkephalins—that the body turns into a near trance-like state. This feels like floating, perhaps one could compare it to being slightly high, you’re there but everything surrounding is faded and nothing really matters anymore.

The body is much stronger than we often give it credit. As a submissive, I am curious to see how far I can push it, how much I can take; at what point does pleasure from pain turn into just pain, and how will I react? How will my dom? When I go into subspace and come back, how will I have changed?

The difference between meditators and masochists is the avenue in which stress is relieved, but the outcome can be quite similar: relaxation, slower heart rate, lower blood pressure and lowered stress hormones.

After a scene I feel calmer; in days that follow I actually feel more in charge of my body and my mind than before. I don’t find weakness in my submission in the bedroom, I find pleasure and presence and peace.

Dominant and Submissive Types?

I’ve explored this question since the beginning and I feel it is one everyone needs to explore and try to answer. We all have many facets to our personalities and we will all have some common threads, but each of us is unique.

I more easily write from the perspective of a married D/s relationship, but I’m sure what I share will be beneficial to any Dominant or submissive. I more easily write from a Dominant (male) and submissive (female) point of view, but feel free to change pronouns.

I think we marry who we marry because we recognize qualities and behaviors in the other that we instinctively know will enhance ourselves and the would-be marriage. If your D/s discovery happend way down the road of matrimony you may be surprised to find that you are well-suited to one another as Dominant/submissive, even though D/s probably wasn’t on your radar once upon a time.

Ok, so now everything is out on the table and open, you’ve decided this is the life for you,  and you’re walking along your journey. You want very much to make it all better and stronger, but there are times your submission or your Domination doesn’t go like it should or the way you see it in your head. You’re not sure how to please him and he is confused as to why you don’t do what he’s asking. Maybe some questions need to be answered?

1) What is my submissive type?

2) What is my Dominant type?

3) What do I want in a submissive?

4) What do I want in a Dominant?

Many people in the D/s lifestyle are unattached before seeking a partner and will seek out the type of submissive or Dominant that floats their boats. If you’re married, you have who you have and need to make it work with that person. Like I said earlier, more than likely this person in well-suited to you, but fine-tuning needs to happen because many years of married vanilla life needs to be peeled back and put in the compost pile. We are all slowly exposing ourselves to the core and if you’re like me, you’re surprised by what you find hidden in those layers.

I used my awesome investigation techniques (meaning I Googled it), and found many sites that broke down different types of submissives, but they were more along the lines of bratty sub, natural sub, etc (not what I was after). There were also some that were condescending and we’ll just not give them the time of day. I found a few blogs that did a fine job of explaining. Here is one taken from http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com/2010/09/different-kinds-of-submissives.html

Different Kinds of Submissives

This post will be short and simple! I don’t like many of the online “Types of Submissives” Guides, which make it seem like there is a right kind of a submissive and several wrong kinds, or else use deragatory names to refer to submissives. So I’m making my own list!
There are a few different kinds of submissives:
  • service
  • sexual
  • household
  • all of the above
  • pain

The service submissive is probably the most common in my experience. This submissive spends a lot of time doing acts of service, such as drawing the Dom’s bath, massaging him (or her) when he’s tense, bringing him food and drink, or otherwise making his life more comfortable.

The sexual submissive may not bring the Dom his coffee every morning, but she is sexually available for him at all times. The training for these kinds of submissives often includes sexual training to enlarge the anus for more easy anal sex, learning to deep throat, and other sexual services.

The household submissive is less common, but this sub spends his or her time cleaning, taking care of the household chores, cooking, and keeping the home neat and welcoming. The only time I’ve ever heard of someone being ONLY a household sub was a poly situation where other subs were already meeting the Master’s needs for sex, service, and companionship.

All of the above submissives incorporate sexual submission, care of the household, and service. These are most common in monogamous BDSM relationships.

Pain submissives are, simply put, masochists. They often don’t enjoy other aspects of submission, but they do enjoy pain. These submissives are often only submissive in the bedroom or during a play session, but revert back to an equal relationship when not getting his or her “pain needs” met.

I really respect this author for realizing that you actually can be a combination of all these types and I would even dare say that you can factor in Pain submissive, because there are days when you just want a spanking. Am I right, ladies?

Here’s a really good breakdown of Dominant types from http://louisvillefringe.com/?p=229, and like the previous author, came to the conclusion that Dominants are a combination as well:

What kind of Dominant?

In my relationship with my Sir, we have striven to incorporate a certain amount of structure, including rules and protocols. Out of an interest for that which my Sir is interested in, I am currently reading through a book called “Discipline: Adding rules and discipline to your BDSM relationship” by Lilly Loyd to further my own understanding of the hows and whys of this aspect of our relationship. I haven’t finished it yet, but wanted to touch on something that I found particularly interesting that I read today.

According to Loyd, there are three basic kinds of rules: rituals and protocols, standing orders, and behavior modifications. Rituals and protocols include things like how you greet your Dominant when coming home, or whether or not you utilize furniture, or how you refer to them (Sir, Master, Daddy, etc.). Standing orders include “blanket” rules such as disallowing orgasms without permission, requiring meal planning or daily to do lists, etc. Behavior modifications include those rules which alter or begin a habit such as placing keys in a certain place (one of my own rules, due to the fact that I was forever losing my keys), or requiring exercise a certain number of times a week, etc.

The differences between the three types of rule seems a simple enough concept. I’d never really thought of it that way before so it was interesting. But wait….there’s more.

If there are three different types of rules, Loyd goes on to question if there are then three different types of Dominants. Hmmm…..alright, I’ll bite. Here’s what Loyd says (paraphrased):

The Ritual and Protocol Dominant:

A Dominant who’s very pragmatic and likes concrete, tangible outcomes may favor rituals and protocols. They’re the kind of Dominant who might be able to step into the role of Emperor or Empress…expecting you to simply hang around and be available for use. They are aware of subtle details in your appearance, attire, and demeanor and are likely to be very aware of body language during a scene.

The Standing Orders Dominant:

The type of Dominant you imagine when you hear the word “strict.” They have standards they live by – and will impose them on you. They like things done the right way…their way. They manage their own lives smoothly, with to do lists which they often place before anything else. They have a solid sense of order and routine.

The Behavior Modifications Dominant:

This Dominant’s motto is “It’s for your own good.” They get pleasure out of seeing others improve, even if it does not directly benefit them, the Dominant. They are obsessed with your inner workings and how to “fix” flaws. They are often sweet and caring and are proud of you when you do something to improve your life or break bad habits. They have a talent for abstract, long term plans.

As I read through the (longer) descriptions I couldn’t help but wonder which category my own Dominant would fall into. We have a variety of “rules” which seem to span all three of the categories. While at first I tried to box my Sir into one of the types, as I thought about it I realized that I think the writer is wrong. I like her analysis, don’t get me wrong here, but I think more often than not people…Dominants….are a mixture of those three categories. I don’t know if anyone could be a pure type. If you are reading this and you think you identify as a “pure type”, please comment below! In my opinion, having a mixture of the different types of rules/Dominants is healthy and not at all a bad thing.

On the other hand, and playing my own devil’s advocate, maybe there are people…submissive types….who don’t need one or more of the types of rules. Maybe you need some rituals but don’t necessarily need or want any behavior modification rules. I’m not here to judge…what’s right for me might not be right for you and so on….

All in all, I simply find the concept interesting, although I conclude that it doesn’t apply to MY specific dynamic. I’m interested in what this author has to say further in her book….

If you want to have some fun, take the submissive type test over at http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-submissive-type-test. I’ll post my results in the reply. Anyone know of a good Dominant type test? We all know it’s easy to manipulate these tests to try and to get the answers you’d like, but take it honestly and let us know what you find out.

My sum total of all of this is that no one fits in a box and days, times, and situations ebb and flow. We all need to have flexibility and we each need to hold up our end of the bargain to the best of our abilities. It gets hard, but remember, you’re in this for the long haul, so put into place those rituals and reminders that will get you over hurdles. Then take all of the above and throw in healthy doses of love, compassion, sensitivity, mercy, and grace and I believe you’ll have a life-long D/s-M that will be the envy of all your vanilla friends and D/s-ers, too.