Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?

HA!!!!! The answer is a big fat YES! Tell us something we don’t know NY Times!

Here is The New York Times Magazine article and it’s good.

Here’s the data from the American Sociological Review

Read The Times article if you or your husband are trying to work through difficult issues in D/s. I think you’ll find some valuable information. It’s very well written. I don’t like some of the conclusions drawn in the end because they aren’t looking at this from the perspective we have in the community, but there is some really good food for thought and can really get you and your spouse talking openly and honestly.

Let me know what you think!

~Elle

How to be a Submissive Wife

submissive-wife

Across the internet you will find such a variety of information on this topic that your head may just pop off from all the confusion. If you’re married and you and your spouse actively engage in a D/s dynamic I would bet my right arm you did not start out that way. This is something you came across from reading or a having a random conversation with a friend and it spoke to you on a profound level. Here’s the thing, most websites out there don’t understand the unique challenges married women like us face. Roles may have been deeply established for over 20 years and making a transition and releasing your control and having your husband establish firm leadership and control may take some time. You have to break old habit patterns or else you’ll be like the Titanic with its puny rudder trying to make that turn to avoid the iceberg. You must navigate these waters with a keen eye and you must view him and your roles in the relationship differently.

For anyone who’s curious about this lifestyle I would say you must begin releasing that control before you ever have a conversation with him and ask him to be your Dominant. That conversation will be so much easier if he’s already started seeing changes. You must use wisdom here because a major lifestyle change does not happen overnight and there is no one formula that will magically transport you both into your new D/s roles.

I have spent a couple of years reading and reading and when I find something good, I like to pass it on. I hope you enjoy what I found. It comes from The Thinking Housewife and it’s an answer to a reader’s question.

Enjoy! ~Elle

http://www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2010/04/how-to-be-a-submissive-wife/

How to be a Submissive Wife

A READER WRITES:

I’ve been going through much thinking about myself and my role in my marriage. I truly believe that I am meant to be the best housewife and homemaker for my family through being submissive, as it describes in the Bible. I already consider myself a bit controlling (not mean though), but unmasking my ultra-feminine self and doing everything to make my husband and home happy and memorable is what I feel is my life’s purpose.

Problem? I’m married to what I consider a “beta male.” He financially provides for my family very well, but when it comes to everything else, I’m the one in charge. I plan everything from our meals, outings, children’s schooling and academics, even the home we live in and the vehicles we drive (although his own car was completely his choice). This is a controlling female’s dream I guess, but I just am confounded at my role as a “submissive wife” to a man that’s is 100 percent comfortable with me making all the decisions. I’m not uncomfortable being the “sole spender” and am happy to buy whatever I please without him jumping down my throat about it….I’m very grateful he isn’t controlling or a jerk, but I just am curious if you can tell me what your idea of being a submissive wife is, and how I could possibly be one with my beta husband?

I just want to unleash the ultra-feminine core of myself…and be great doing it.

Laura writes

I admire your desire to do the best for your marriage and your awareness of the danger in always taking charge.

If your husband is supporting you and your children on his own, he is not a “beta” male, no matter how much in manner or domestic decision-making you may feel he resembles one. When you are in the process of making a decision, do you ask for his help? If so, does he decline to help? He may actually be leaving these things up to you out of deference, a desire not to tread on your turf, and he may not sense that you want help. I wouldn’t ask him to be generally more involved in decisions, but take each one as it happens and request his input. We all would like our spouses to intuitively grasp what we want, but that often doesn’t happen. If he is leaving discipline of your children entirely up to you, I would suggest the same thing. Let him know you are struggling or overwhelmed in the face of some problem. A wife generally knows what children need better than a working husband. You may have to let him know more than once, especially if he is busy. Be patient with this and be confident that he will eventually help. The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed.

Many women make the important decisions about home and children. Think of the husband as delegating this reponsibility to the wife. A submissive role does not mean a woman has no authority of her own. In all probability, your husband is too busy to think of these things and trusts your judgment. So you are being submissive to him in taking on these responsibilities. I realize all these decisions can be burdensome. If you are tired of always being in charge, you might say to your husband, in a moment when he himself is not preoccupied and burdened, that you often question your own decisions and feel the stress of keeping things in order.  Try not to second-guess yourself. You are not perfect and are going to make some wrong choices. Don’t judge yourself harshly if you make a bad decision. You are trying and that is what matters.

Try to resist at all costs adding up what you are doing against what he is doing. Don’t keep a balance sheet. Whenever you feel this inclination coming on, fight it. A marriage counselor I once met at a social gathering told me that there are three phases to every marriage: 1) Infatuation 2) Power struggle 3) Mature love. Here we see what’s wrong with marriage therapy. At no point should a marriage be a power struggle. To view it that way is to pervert it. She seemed to be saying this was a perfectly normal and inevitable part of marriage.

A submissive wife is someone who does not rule a husband with her moods and emotions and who devotes herself to making a man’s life better. Male authority is loving oversight and resolve, a form of detachment from the hothouse of conflict that family life often resembles. When we talk about submission and authority in marriage, we are referring to something entirely different from roles in other spheres of life. It’s not the same thing as an employer/employee relationship. It always occurs in the context of love.

In general, a woman who wants a man to be more masculine must let him see her vulnerability and weakness. If she appears always in charge and in no need of his competence, he may withdraw from the field of action. I’m not suggesting a woman feign helplessness, but that she should let him see and help him understand her inadequacies. Most men want to protect the people they love. Typically, a man will respond to a plea for help out of this natural instinct provided that the plea is not part of an attack on his character or on his past actions. A submissive wife who demands a man be in control or who criticizes him for not being in control is not a submissive wife at all.

50 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex, but Doesn’t

Yes, finally, as promised, but better late than never.

If you missed the list for men you can find it here.

In case you’re wondering why everything on these two lists isn’t specifically about sex, it’s because sex is not just a physical act, it’s also mental, emotional, and even spiritual. I write from a D/s perspective so for those involved in D/s you’ll see how relatable these items are to your relationship, but even for many men and women of different relationships, the build up to great sex starts with your mind and then continues with your words and actions. Let me know what you think.

Enjoy ~Elle xxoo

  1. You should know that the quality of your sex life will affect your relationship and numerous other areas of your life
  2. You should know how to love him unconditionally
  3. You should know his inner, secret longing and desires
  4. You should know his priorities in life
  5. You should know how he evaluates you and your femininity
  6. You should know how to make him feel like a man
  7. You should know what makes him feel needed
  8. You should know that he craves to own you
  9. You should know that he desires to be served by you
  10. You should know that he wants to be respected by you
  11. You should know that he wants to be appreciated by you
  12. You should know that he wants to be admired by you
  13. You should know that he wants you to be proud of him
  14. You should know that he wants praise from you
  15. You should know that he want you to be as consistent as you expect him to be
  16. You should know how to read his facial expressions and body language
  17. You should know that he cannot read your mind
  18. You should know that he wants you to understand when to speak and when to listen
  19. You should know that he wants you to pay attention when he speaks
  20. You should know that he does not want to be compared to other men
  21. You should know that he wants to guard your heart, protect your emotions, defend your honor, and stand as a champion for your spiritual, mental, and physical well-being
  22. You should know that the confidence you exude is a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  23. You should know that how you take care of yourself is also a source of direct pride and inspiration for him
  24. You should know that there is nothing more beautiful, captivating, attractive, and sensual to him than when you glow with an inner grace
  25. You should know that although he will do everything to make you happy, he wants you to find the happiness that comes from inside
  26. You should know what relaxes him
  27. You should know that he needs time and space to process and evaluate
  28. You should know how to intensify his dominance
  29. You should know how to obey his directives
  30. You should know that he wants you to be honest with him
  31. You should know that everyone is not having more or better sex than you
  32. You should know he wants you to be proactive and learn what works to transition from your everyday life to your D/s life
  33. You should know your clitoris is basically a tiny penis, but is mostly internal
  34. You should know your vagina is like a snowflake; each one is different and unique
  35. You should know that any shame, guilt, or fear you carry will keep you from enjoying pleasure
  36. You should know that he really enjoys pleasing you
  37. You should know that he loves it when you love your body
  38. You should know how to talk dirty
  39. You should know how to talk enticingly and seductively
  40. You should know how to tease his body and draw out his excitement
  41. You should know every erogenous zone on his body
  42. You should know how to use your mouth and tongue to drive him wild with pleasure
  43. You should know he doesn’t want you to hold anything back
  44. You should know where your G-spot is
  45. You should know how to heighten his sensations with small adjustments
  46. You should know how to get an insatiable sex drive
  47. You should know how to increase your sexual energy
  48. You should know how to control your orgasms
  49. You should know that he wants to watch you enjoy touching yourself
  50. You should know that there is more than one sexual prime, which can peak at various stages depending on factors such as emotional health, physical health, and current state of family life

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50 Things Every Man Should Know About Sex, but Doesn’t

I found this list accidentally a while back on a site called The 2-Hour Sex Prodigy and made some adjustments so as to use it as a tool for conversation. I have absolutely no idea if the 2-Hour Sex Prodigy system works and this is by no means an endorsement, but I’ll give them credit for the list since it’s the right thing to do.

The list gives a pretty concise look at what many of us want our Doms to aspire to. While some may be strong in some of these areas don’t take that as inability. I also don’t recommend running up to your Dom exclaiming, “Look, I have a list of what you’re supposed to be doing. Elle gave it to me.” I may just take your ass over my knee if I hear of that happening. DON’T read this list and judge your Dom because that’s not the purpose. We all have our things to work on and my advice is to work on yourself first and foremost, but I’m not unaware of the fact that we have submissive needs and would like our needs met.

What you can do is start writing down how you feel about many of these categories in a journal that your Dom can read. I started using an app called Chapter – Shared Journal For 2. My Sir can see everything I’ve written from his app and we can privately comment back and forth. It’s better than texting because you can password protect it (so nosey children don’t read your comments) and put everything in categories; you can even include photos.

So here’s the list…enjoy!

  1. You should know that the quality of your sex life will affect your relationship and numerous other areas of your life
  2. You should know how to love her unconditionally
  3. You should know her inner, secret, longings and desires
  4. You should know her priorities in life
  5. You should know how she evaluates you and your masculinity
  6. You should know how to unfold her femininity
  7. You should know how she craves to feel owned by you
  8. You should know how she craves to serve you
  9. You should know how she wants you to challenge her
  10. You should know how to read her facial expressions and body language
  11. You should know how to relax her
  12. You should know how to intensify her submissiveness
  13. You should know how to lead her directly and indirectly using your voice
  14. You should know how to take over her mind using your voice
  15. You should know how to mind fuck her using your voice
  16. You should know how to develop your disciplinarian trait
  17. You should know how to develop your encourager trait
  18. You should know how she wants you to protect her
  19. You should know how to develop your self-reliance trait
  20. You should know how to develop your resolution trait
  21. You should know how to develop your honor trait
  22. You should know how to develop your courage and bravery traits
  23. You should know how to develop your perseverance trait
  24. You should know how to be charismatic and charming
  25. You should know how she craves seduction and foreplay
  26. You should know how to handle her body and move her where you want her
  27. You should know how to talk dirty
  28. You should know how to talk enticingly and seductively
  29. You should know her secret, sexual confessions
  30. You should know how to bring out her wild, animalistic lust
  31. You should know how to encourage and reveal her dirty, naughty side
  32. You should know how to tease her body and draw out her excitement
  33. You should know every erogenous zone on her body and when to trigger it
  34. You should know how to use your mouth and tongue to drive her wild with pleasure
  35. You should know how to awaken her G-spot out of its sleep
  36. You should know how to take full control of her G-spot and make it tremble with pleasure
  37. You should know how to awaken and thrill her deep spots
  38. You should know how to excite her cervix
  39. You should know how to awaken her anal pleasure spot
  40. You should know how to make her feel your girth better
  41. You should know how to control her orgasmic contractions
  42. You should know how to heighten her sensations with small adjustments
  43. You should know how to tease her continuously at the brink of orgasm
  44. You should know how to stimulate her clitoris and how to draw it out
  45. You should know how to raise her post-orgasmic sensations so she orgasms again and again
  46. You should know how to heighten her sensations with pressure points
  47. You should know how to get an insatiable sex drive
  48. You should know how to increase your sexual energy
  49. You should know how to control your ejaculations and get stronger erections
  50. You should know how to take care of her after you’ve played

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Don’t worry, men, her list is coming…

Lessons in Submission – Lesson #4

FREE-FALL INTO TOTAL ABANDON

Last Sunday, tragedy knocked on our door and tried to take a foothold. Fear was right behind, along with doubt, anger, and grief. My Sir discovered his 87 year old father unconscious and barely breathing. We were both initially shocked, as anyone would be, but we moved forward into the unknown. I started to become overwhelmed, which was exacerbated by the fact that we had just come off of our Yom Kippur fast the night before and we just had a week of very hard weather that was taking a toll on many where we live. We both went into autopilot/survival/necessity mode.

Inevitable death is at our doorstep and we have had to make a series of very difficult choices for the future, but I believe we’ve used wisdom and because of that we have some peace.

“Another reason why people are feeling overwhelmed is because people are not in true survival or crisis mode as often as they have been in much of our history. The interesting thing about crisis is that it actually produces a type of serenity. Why? Because in a crisis, people have to integrate all kinds of information that’s potentially relevant; they have to make decisions quickly, they have to then trust their intuitive judgment calls in the moment. They have to act. They’re constantly course-correcting based on data that’s coming up, and they’re very focused on some outcome, usually live – you know, survive. Don’t burn up. Don’t die.”

– David Allen as quoted in the Atlantic

We can let the example and repercussions of a poorly lived life make us retreat and hide or we can take hold of the life we have right now and live it. We had an amazing talk the other night and made some decisions the suit us. I am happy to say that we choose life! We don’t want to wait any longer for those things that truly make us happy. “Let’s wait until next year” has turned into “Let’s do this right now!” We talked about how we can accomplish what we want in the here and now. We also made the firm decision that even if we don’t fully understand everything, he is my Dominate and I am his submissive and it’s never going away. This is who we are.

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Your Domination and submission will be put through many tests along the way. How will you stand? We have chosen free-fall into total abandon. No holding back.

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They work long hours or for a while they’re away

You’re home with the kids or by yourself all day.

It gets lonely at times, but you do have some friends

You can reach out to them to help your aching heart mend.

He’ll be back soon, that is for sure

Until he returns sub-port will help you restore.

Assist, recommend, laugh, and encourage

You’ll get through the hard times and your submission will flourish.

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Lessons in Submission – Lesson #3

BEING & DOING

“My softest whisper should  be your loudest command.” (Coach2dom)

These are the words of my husDom and I am still absorbing their meaning. I have known him for a long time and have seen him coach hundreds of athletes. I have seen him in action as a leader more times than I can count. My Sir doesn’t like to repeat himself over and over. If he’s said it a couple of times then that should be enough. Should he have to tell me the same things over and over before I do them automatically? He asks this of every athlete. He develops athletes and works on their strength, form, and technique. He absolutely expects the athlete to do the drills and workouts and to practice the hand off or the plays so when it comes time to compete they have nothing to fear because it has become a part of them.

I have started using my professional acting training to help me with my submission. Working my submission is the same as portraying a character on stage. I have to know my character (fears, strengths, weakness, likes, dislikes, history). I learn my lines so they become a part of me and so they are automatic. I learn my blocking (stage movement) so that those motions are automatic and flow effortlessly. I learn my mannerisms and character voice so that the character shines and is real.

There was a book that was a requirement at my acting school called Being & Doing by Eric Morris. It teaches how to overcome blocks and fears, how to be authentic, and how to act with integrity and honesty. Once you grasp the BEING then the DOING will be from the heart.

http://www.amazon.com/Being-Doing-A-Workbook-Actors/dp/0962970905/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372858639&sr=8-1&keywords=being+and+doing