Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman,

We need to talk; girl to girl, wife to wife, sub to sub. I have so much I need to tell you and you’ve been on my mind for a while. You deserve to hear the unadulterated truth about this new world you’ve chosen to pursue. It’s not as easy as being handed a key by your husband and unlocking a jewelry box filled with priceless gems. The overwhelming majority of you will have to carefully and strategically ease open this particular oyster that both you and your husband dug for together in order to acquire the precious pearl and you’ll have to use specific tools and techniques. Some of you may even open your own personal Pandora’s Box. Epimetheus insisted that his wife, Pandora, obey the letter of the label. Epimetheus left for a few hours, but Pandora’s gift of curiosity took over. The box was entrusted to them by Zeus, but she felt Zeus was wrong to tell them not to open it. As the story goes, Pandora disobeyed and opened the box unleashing all the evils of the world, but the very last thing to come out of the box was hope. I need you to remember that because hope is a powerful force and it will help guide you home should you lose your way.

Why am I the one writing you this letter? Well, why the hell not? I see a need and I wish a letter like this was available for me when I first started exploring because it would have saved me a lot of frustration, heartache, and tears. I hope you find the information I share with you here to be valuable and that you seriously take into consideration the knowledge and wisdom I gained through the trial and error lessons I learned painstakingly over the last three years. If I could have avoided that kind of schooling I would have jumped at the chance because I would have had more peace on this journey.

I know that you’re crazy excited right now and it feels like a whole new world of possibilities are before you. You want to grab it all and have it all right this very minute. You have a feeling of freedom because you’ve finally owned up to who you are, but it’s mixed with trepidation due to so much mind boggling information out there and you just can’t afford to mess this up with your husband. Whether you’ve always known you’re submissive and hid it, or your submission was dormant and has just been awakened, you want to be your 100% sexy-ass-sultry-submissive-self gracefully kneeling like in a tumblr photo and for your husband to be his 100% manly-man-Dominant-self expertly leading you in all his powerful “Dom-ness” RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN IT! Whoa, slow down there tumblr addict, I totally get it…

BUT…

I just lost some of you because you don’t want to hear a BUT about anything. You want to hear YES! YES! YES! That’s called submissive frenzy. For unattached submissives that are just coming into the lifestyle, submissive frenzy is more of the quest to find a Dominant. In your case it is the quest to force change transform your husband into becoming your Dominant. This is a very slippery slope, subbie, and the advice out there on how to successfully do this is practically nil (look below for some of the few helpful links I could find). So what does newly submissive married woman frenzy look like? You want to be dominated now and you’re going to make sure he knows it. You tell him you read some things and you see yourself in it. You tell him you’ve always felt this way and this is what you want. You maybe even beg and plead for him to try this with you. You text and email him endlessly every article you can find so he knows exactly how a Dom is supposed to act. You buy books and load them on his tablet and you read blog post after blog post and feel like you’ve found your tribe (more on that later on). You cajole, cry, beg, manipulate, entice, seduce, remind, and maybe even threaten divorce. For some of you this is a race against time because you feel like your marriage is over and you think a D/s dynamic can save it. Some of you think your husband displays enough dominant traits that he must be a Dom and he’ll soon see himself in something you show him and jump on board. Some of you want to feel wanted and needed and loved because he just doesn’t pay attention anymore. Others of you are so starved for sex that you’re trying desperately to spice things up and bring back the kink. I know that many, many, many of you are genuine and are being extremely sincere in your efforts.

Let’s take a look at a few things you need to know about what really goes into a D/s relationship so you can better understand your own feelings, needs, and motives. These are the bare bones basics and is not a comprehensive list:

1) There is absolutely no guarantee that a D/s relationship will help an already ailing marriage. All D/s relationships, whether or not you’re married, are about honesty, trust, humility, patience, sensitivity, communication, negotiation, and genuineness – all the attributes of a good marriage or any kind of healthy relationship. Before you include a specific type of power exchange into your marriage you need to work on these qualities and take ownership of them simply because it behooves your relationship to do so. They don’t magically appear when a collar goes around a sub’s neck because they already need to be intrinsic to the relationship. Once you have that foundation you can start implementing a power exchange. You see, the D/s dynamic takes these elements much deeper and puts them on steroids. Your true selves will be revealed in every way and if the marriage needs work D/s won’t be a panacea.

2) You can still keep the vanilla! Vanilla isn’t a bad thing, but many will tell you it kills D/s. Liars! Vanilla only means life outside the D/s dynamic and BDSM activities. All sex is good sex if you’re doing it right. We enjoy vanilla sex, we enjoy kinky sex, we enjoy primal sex, we enjoy sex that includes bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic activities. I crave slow, passionate making love sex and completely enjoy hard, rough, peel me off the ceiling sex and I will bet your husband does, too. If you start insisting certain aspects of sexual activity that he enjoys cease in your sex life because it’s considered vanilla, you’re asking for him to shut you down. You are, in essence, telling him he’s a terrible lover and who wants that kind of rejection? Not a good way to start. How about this – what if he only wants vanilla sex, but wants the D/s dynamic? Did you just gasp? Read number 3.

3) D/s doesn’t mean sexual activity. Nope, it doesn’t. D/s is who you are and how you communicate and interact with one another. It is one person giving power over to other in a consensual exchange. It is an exchange of minds and hearts in a very special dance that draws out the fullness of your being. It is a way of life. BDSM activities are what you do that doesn’t necessarily include sex the way porn would have you believe. Can you be a submissive without being Dominated sexually? It’s a hard question that must be asked. See if you can live as a submissive on your own for a while. I bet there are things he’s wanted you to do and you’ve never done them. Don’t wait for some kind of formal rule list to be written up and elaborate protocols to be put into place before you start submitting. If he’s always wanted you to stop biting your nails or wants you to make the bed on a regular basis or workout everyday JUST DO IT! Obey what you already know to obey.

4) He may want to be a submissive or a switch. Don’t assume your husband is a Dom, even if he exhibits dominate traits. You may exhibit dominant traits, but you’ll swear on a stack of bibles that you’re a tried and true submissive. This can be a tricky one because it may be extremely hard for him to let you know, especially if you’re insisting on being the only submissive in the relationship. He may want to be a switch and Top for some things and bottom for others. You must be willing to take this seriously and consider all possibilities.

5) He may want to confine all D/s activities to the bedroom only and outside life to continue as normal. There are many couples who do that and are very fulfilled. Many couples start that way and gradually start incorporating D/s into more aspects of their lives. You do what works for the both of you and don’t feel some kind of pressure to be a 24/7 submissive.

6) Physical punishment isn’t a requirement and neither is pain of any kind. Just because you’re a submissive it doesn’t automatically make you a masochist and he doesn’t have to be a sadist if he’s a Dom. Many couples enjoy more of a sensual style that incorporates various forms of bondage, like Shibari, and sensory exploration such as wax play and feather tickling. Your husband may not want to spank you or you may not want to be spanked. It’s OK, really.

Are you still with me?

Look, there’s no such thing as a 50 Shades of Grey lifestyle and anyone who’s using that rhetoric to draw you in is playing you. It was a piece of fiction and real life D/s is so very different. What you liked was the kinky sex and that he paid attention to her all the time. That’s what you really want. You want your husband to notice you and tell you he craves you. You want to feel his love to your core. You want the fire and passion you had when you were younger. You want to feel connected to him in every way and feel taken care of and cherished. Don’t buy into someone trying to capitalize off of your good intentions and dare I say, desperation. The advice they give you can cause irreparable harm. I was once given some really horrible “advice” by a so-called submissive when I was at an all-time low point and had I followed it Coach and I would be divorced right now. Know what I did? I told her to fuck off. Use your head and keep your bullshit meter going all the time.

An overly romanticized picture has been painted that no human can possibly live up to (psst…these people don’t live up to it either). Don’t get me wrong, there’s room for lots of romance and thrill. Just know that there are many novices out there posing as experts and mentors. Most of them have never stepped inside a real event or even met anyone in their local community. They’ve also never written any kind of fact-based cited article (let alone a book), but they’ve read all the D/s and BDSM books out there and memorized the terminology of the lifestyle so they can recite it like a parrot. They speak of protocol and mindfulness and wear their submission like some sort of garter belt clad super-sub, cape and all. They want you to know that they’re there for you and looking out for you. How selfless are they! Their own opinions mean the world to them and they want you to know every single one of them. They’ve devised their own methods and ways of doing things and have even cultivated “cute” terminology of their own. They work very hard at keeping you attached so you don’t wander away and seek out others who can help you because only they know who you truly are and what you need. You’ll be told time and time again that you have so much in common and are just like them. They collect submissive friends like your grandmother collected Beanie Babies in the 90s, but in the end you’re just one of many and if you don’t have any more value (meaning you’re not so helpless anymore and can no longer inflate their already over-inflated ego) your friendship is no longer required and you are dismissed.

Did that sound harsh? You bet it did. Doesn’t it all sound so very middle/high school? It’s out there, ladies, so use your common sense and don’t get lulled into false comradery. Your tribe can and should be made up of a variety of people from many walks of life because strength is always found in diversity. Choose your sources wisely because this is YOUR life and no one can tell you how to live it. Learn from those trusted and vetted in the community because their many years of experience will give you sound advice.

Still want in? Good, I’m glad.

I’m glad we had this chat. We’ll talk again real soon, I’m sure.Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Love,
~Elle
XOXO
Further Reading:

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner (3 part series)

Submission in Marriage – Shifting from Husband and Wife to Dominant and Submissive

BDSM and How To Bring it to Life in your Vanilla Marriage

 

Surrender

I found this gem at http://blog.neurosyncofcolorado.com/2014/12/19/surrender/

SURRENDER

Here are some meanings of the word surrender:

To trust in one’s life processes.

To accept life situations as they are without trying to change them.

To be in the present moment.

To accept what is not in your control.

To be willing to be responsible, to accept guidance, teaching, pleasure, and to let go.

To experience the divine.

To release illusions.

To accept the truth.

To let go of fear and tension.

To experience all your feelings.

Each of us needs to surrender in our own unique way. Some of us need to surrender to the experience of life, to let go of the feeling that we don’t have the right to be here or to live fully. Others of us need to surrender to our feelings and experience emotion of every variety. Some of us have cut off from our bodies, treating them as distant tools, and we need to surrender to physical sensations, even those that are unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Some of us refuse support from others, being unwilling to surrender to the feeling of not having control or feeling helpless. Others of us need to let go, feel sexual, experience pleasure and stop fighting against our sexual urges. Some have to give up the illusion of being swallowed and consumed by the other, give up the fantasy of complete freedom, and accept the limitations of real freedom and real relationship.

Many of us need to surrender to love, to expressing it freely and to opening our hearts. We may also need to surrender to heartbreak, to the experience of rejection, to feeling abandoned, to feeling dependent.

Fear of surrender is like fear of falling. There is no visible support. And we fear falling in love, even though we yearn for it. We fear fusion with another, even though we yearn for it as well. We also fear loss of self, death, falling asleep, the unknown, darkness, and involuntary acts.

What are you still holding holding on to?

Paying The P.R.I.C.E.

Steps Towards Healing From Emotional Injury

emotional-wounds2

We all experience emotional pain and trauma at one time or another. We get beat up by life simply by being a living, breathing entity on this earth. We also get emotionally wounded by family, friends, associations, or even total strangers. It doesn’t really matter who’s dishing it out because one word can stick with you and even send you over the edge of the cliff without you realizing. Even a stranger’s word can be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Poor camel, poor you. We carry a lot of burdens on our backs and shoulders and many are completely unnecessary. We really don’t have to be all things to all people, we just have to be true to ourselves. I choose to make a daily affirmation of submitting my power over to my God, and second, my Dom. I am not in charge of the universe, therefore, I choose to submit to the Power that is in charge of the universe and hand over my very life. My Dom is in charge of my daily guidance and how I walk out my life and he has the final word on how we live day to day.

Coach and I have had several talks recently about how I process emotional pain and how it can be managed before it escalates into a meltdown or even a fit of anger. I’m like a pressure cooker; everything goes into the pot, the lid is sealed tightly, and it all heats up and stews. My thoughts and feelings seem neatly contained in my pot and no one, including me, is aware that the pressure has become too much for me to handle. On the outside I am calm, but at some point I am not capable of keeping it in any longer and I blow my top. I can either have a panicky meltdown, get very angry, or put up walls and get self-protective.

Coach and I talked about how we can better manage my emotions and catch and deal with my escalation before I ever get to that point of no return. We both agree that letting me go from A to V without intervention is asking for trouble because if I’m at V then I’m already in the home stretch to Z and some serious momentum has been built up. We realize that I need to be reeled in at  D, and at the very latest P, if intervention is going to have an affect. A Dom needs to recognize the warning signs that lead up to a sub’s emotional unraveling. If you’ve been with someone long enough you should know their signs and be able to intervene before some damage is done. If you’ve lived long enough you should  also be able to recognize your own signs and be able to be proactive and ask for help. It takes intentional habitual practice to recognize early warning signs of the emotional unravel. You have to invest in yourself and your Dom has to be fully invested in you in order to effectively help. I found some great resources that can help with recognizing and managing your emotional triggers:

Outsmart Your Brain – Mind Growing Programs for Leaders

Unraveling Emotional Triggers

There are also a few things that can be done to help when emotions are triggered and is especially important to apply if you do go over the edge and it’s called P.R.I.C.E.

Some of you have been taught R.I.C.E. as the acronym used for treating a physical injury, such as a twisted ankle or a sprained shoulder. The P has been added by experts not too long ago and is a very necessary component. So what does P.R.I.C.E. for:

P – Protection
R – Rest
I – Ice
C – Compression
E – Elevation

The same way you use these procedures to treat a physical injury can be used to treat an emotional injury.

P – Protection – The first principle is protection. The purpose of protection is to avoid further injury to the area by protecting the injured structures. The type of protection used varies depending on the injured area but may include an ace bandage, aluminum splint, sling, protective tape, or over-the-counter brace.

The same principle applies to an emotional injury. The best example I can give is a recent situation where Coach became my temporary crutch. I needed to lean on him because I was just too weak to stand on my own. Your sub will need your hand, your shoulder, and your arms to help her stand. Let her lean on you.

R – Rest – The purpose of resting is to allow the body’s own healing processes to naturally occur without being impeded by movement of the injured area.

It wouldn’t have helped me to just not blog for a day, but recently, Coach imposed a three week blogging break on me so I could remove myself and gain some perspective. My focus was wrong and I needed to rest and process. During those three weeks I did take the time to physically rest as well. Emotions are taxing on the body and you may need extra sleep and to not be as busy so you can build up your strength.

I – Ice – Icing is most effective in the immediate period following an injury. The effect of icing diminishes significantly after about 48 hours.

Ice for emotional injury is just as important and should be applied immediately. In this case, a cooling off period needs to occur. How to you bring down a heated emotional situation? Stay cool and calm. Your sub needs you to keep your cool so she can reduce that immediate emotional inflammation.

C – Compression – When the ice pack is removed, a compression wrap should be applied to the injured area. The compression wrap serves as a mechanical barrier so that swelling is minimized in the injured area. There are a number of compression wraps available on the market, but the most commonly used is an elastic or ace bandage.

I think most of us in the BDSM world can understand that having those bindings on (rope, leather straps, silk ribbon) can have a very calming effect on a sub, but even just lots and lots of hugging and touching works like a compression wrap and can reduce further emotional swelling.

E – Elevate – Elevating your injured foot or ankle above the level of your heart reduces the pull of gravity. Your heart doesn’t have to work as hard, and blood is less likely to pool in your lower limbs and make them swell. Reducing the pressure of the extra fluid can alleviate pain as well.

How do you elevate your injured sub? With lots and lots of words of comfort and letting her know how wonderful and special she is. Let her see clearly in your eyes her good qualities. More than likely she feels lower than low and she needs you to reinforce her worth. Elevate her heart so she can soar again.

Over The Edge – Conclusion

Over The Edge, Part 1

Over The Edge, Part 2

Over The Edge, Part 3

Over The Edge, Part 4

She smiles back at me and it’s as if the entire room lights up and I have butterflies. I look at my Sir and the strange intruder and they are beaming.  We are only a few feet apart but it feels like miles. I take a step forward to reach for her and I am told to stop. Sir comes up close to me, presses his hand on the small of my back and escorts me to the other side of the room. He whispers in my ear, ” I need you to continue to be a good girl. We’ve talked a lot about this and today your fantasies will come true. I need you to hold on a little while longer before you receive your reward. I need to make sure you can handle some things. Do you trust me?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good. Now come with me.”

He walks me over to where she’s standing and positions us very close to each other. We are told to not touch one other. I want to touch her. She’s beautiful and voluptuous.  Then he brushes her hair from her eyes and tucks it behind her left ear. He cups her face in the palms of his hands, leans down and starts to passionately kiss her.  I’ve never seen him kiss anyone.  I am mesmerized by the intensity of their kiss and she is kissing him back just as passionately. She moans into his mouth. I’m so close to the two of them and I feel myself leaning closer as I’m being drawn into their kiss. At that exact moment I feel hands come from behind me and pull me away.

The strange intruder escorts me over to a chair that has a full view of the two of them kissing. He releases his extremely large, rigid cock from the confines of his pants, sits down in the chair, turns me so my back is to him and so I’m facing the two of them, and then slides me down onto him.  A moan now escapes my lips and at the same time another one escapes from hers. Our eyes are locked on each other’s and I see hers open wide as she’s watching me riding the strange intruder. Do they know each other? The strange intruder begins to assault my breasts. He tugs and pulls and squeezes and pinches with his large, strong hands. He starts to bite my right shoulder as his left hand moves down and begins to rub my clit.

I am lost in the sensations as I watch my Sir move her over to the couch. He sits her down and spreads her legs open wide. He kneels down in front of her and begins to lick her pussy. His hands are on her knees pushing her legs open and she is gyrating her hips as seeks his tongue.  She begins to tremble as he relentlessly sucks and licks.

The strange intruder takes his hands and places them on my hips and begins to move me up and down. He whispers in my ear, “I want you to cum for me. No one will know if you do.” I shake my head no as he moves me up and down him harder. “It feels so good and I know you want it.  Your pussy is telling me yes.” Again I shake my head no. Why is he doing this to me?

I watch Sir slide one, two, then three fingers in her as he continues his assault on her with his tongue. I can barely contain myself. Then she cums hard and long and I try to pull myself off the strange  intruder to keep myself from cumming. He allows me to release, not for me, but for him. He goes over to the two of them. Sir sits on the couch and she straddles him. He runs his hands all over her. They kiss again, but more intensely than before. Then the strange intruder mounts her and takes her ass. I can’t move a muscle as I watch their union. I’ve never seen my Sir’s face this way. It is a look of pure ecstasy. He calls me over.

“Sit next to me. I want you to watch her face as she enjoys my cock.”

I sit next to him on the couch. He turns to me and kisses me hard. I taste her on him. He kisses me with a raw desperation. I know this kiss. This is the kiss that says, “You’re Mine.”  And then she cums. Sir takes my face and turns it so I watch her. She screams. He begins to grunt and I know he’s going to cum as well. He releases into her and I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. He turns to me again and kisses me sweetly and then smiles. I look at her and she is smiling at the both of us and in that moment she cums again and the strange intruder releases himself.

I was in deep in a state of euphoria and the rest of the afternoon went by quickly. I was flogged by the strange intruder and spanked by my Sir. I needed the pain. Then he fed me, cleaned me, massaged me and dressed me in lingerie and heels. She carefully did my hair and makeup and left. I did not recognize myself in the mirror. Sir came up from behind me, kissed the nape of my neck and then secured my collar around my neck.

“You take my breath away, my gorgeous girl. You’re ready for tonight. Showtime!”

He escorts me down the stairs to the garage and puts me in the car. He ties the silk scarf over my eyes. I have no idea where we’re going. We drive for a little while and arrive at our destination. He helps me out of the car and walks me through a door and down what seems like a corridor and then up a couple of stairs. I hear voices hush. I am positioned standing with my arms at my sides. Then Sir stands behind me and removes my blindfold and a thunderous applause erupts.

I am standing on a round stage in front of an audience in small intimate theater. The audience is completely around the entire stage. There is king sized bed behind us dressed in red satin. I look straight ahead of me and there she is. She stands and walks up the steps toward me.

Then Sir says to me, “In honor of being a good girl all the pleasure is for you. You will receive as much as you like and can freely take from anyone you choose as many times as you wish.”

“Thank you, Sir, for my reward. I choose to start with the both of you.”

I then lean in to her and kiss her and the crowd begins to cheer. The pleasure is all mine.

 

 The End

 

Over The Edge – Part 4

I’m terribly sorry for the delay in posting these last two parts. I hope you enjoy Part 4. Part 5, the conclusion, will post tomorrow. Thank you for reading. ~Elle xoxo

Over The Edge, Part 1

Over The Edge, Part 2

Over The Edge, Part 3

Sir walks into the kitchen and stops short as soon as he sees me. My eyes widen and I’m still struggling to get free. He looks mad.

His voice booms, “What have you been doing?” I can’t answer because of the ball gag. He removes it.

“There was a man here. He tied me up and gagged me.” As I was telling him I could see that the stranger was just around the corner, but I could only see his back.

“This doesn’t look like you were attacked. This looks like you were playing. Were you playing?”

“No, Sir,” I said emphatically, “He had a knife and grabbed me from behind. He said he would kill us if I didn’t do what he said.”

“I think you were playing.”

Sir reaches between my legs and runs the tips of his fingers in the wet spot on the seat. He squats right in front of me and holds his fingers to my eyes. My body has betrayed me. Sir wipes my juices on the faint x carved between my breasts.

“But, but…” I stammer.

Firmly, but with just a hint of laughter in his voice Sir demands, “No more talking from you! You are not allowed to make a sound until I give you permission.”

He calls to the stranger. The stranger rounds the corner and I clench my jaw. He is wearing the same leather mask the intruder wore. The stranger is the intruder! He saunters over carrying the duffel bag, drops it at my feet and gives me the most devious smile. I remain expressionless.

The strange intruder pushes me in my chair close to the wall. He reaches into his duffle bag and pulls out a wand and more rope. I squeeze my eyes shut because I know what’s coming. He positions the wand on my clit and wraps the rope around my thighs and the seat of the chair to secure it. He plugs it in and turns it on the low setting.

“Remember, you are not allowed to make a sound,” Sir reiterates.

Sir and the strange intruder sit nearby and causally eat and talk. All I can do is try with all my might to not make a sound and fight my urge to cum. I don’t know how much time goes by because it’s all a blur. I hear them laugh, I know they’re watching, but I can’t open my eyes. Then suddenly the wand stops. I am trembling. I open my eyes.

Sir unties the wand and then the rest of my restraints. He turns me around and tells me to rest my hands on the seat of the chair. Without any notice he plunges inside of me and starts fucking my ass hard. I hold back a scream. I am still not allowed to make a sound. He cums fast and hard inside me. He wraps his arms around me and turns my face toward him and kisses me tenderly. He strokes my hair. He lifts me off the chair, sits down in it and cradles me on his lap. He feeds me, continues to stroke my hair, and hums to me softly as he cares for me.

“You’re allowed to speak. How do you feel?”

“I’m very tired, Sir.”

I wake up again in bed, but this time my Sir is holding me close to him. It is bright in the room. Can that be? It’s 1:30 in the afternoon.

“Hi sleepy head, you did very well last night.”

 “Thank you, Sir.”

“I want you to take a shower and get yourself ready the same way you did last night. Your lunch will be waiting for you when you come out. After you finish eating come down stairs. This is a big day for you.”

I do exactly as I’m told. I walk into the living room and I’m greeted by a site that takes my breath away. A warm flush washes over me and I smile the biggest smile. It’s her!

To be continued…