Feeling Better

I’m sipping my coffee and checking emails. Over the last couple of days we’ve had a slew of new email inquiries regarding our side business. We have to get all our new registration information posted on our website TODAY. The sooner people register, the sooner we get paid, and that’s what it’s all about. Our team doubled in size over the summer and it looks like that may happen again. We’ll probably have to hire a part time coach. We’re also putting together an internship program for college graduates that used to participate in our sport, something our national association hasn’t done on local levels so we’re designing it and implementing it. 

Then there’s the master schedule we need to put together for school pick ups. It’s a huge undertaking because our kids will be at two different schools and each will have games and practices for the sports they’re playing this fall. I pick them up on Fridays, my sister in law will do Tuesdays and one other day, Coach will do one day, and then we have to find (and pay) someone for that 4th day. Coach is tying to figure out his schedule with clients to see which day he can do. People need to call back! Uhg!

The shining light is a job I got a lead on that really excites me. It’s a full time management position with a software company and I can work from home. It’s also twice the pay with 5 weeks vacation each year and tons of benefits. They pay 100% medical, dental, and vision for employee and family. There are some business trips and even a retreat once a year. They are creative and innovative and it’s right up my alley. If I get this I can be the one to pick up our kids every day. How freaking great would that be? I have to get everything submitted to them by tomorrow. They want an outline of my ideas since it’s a newly created division and position. It’s really more about the right fit because there’s a lot of collaboration with just the right amount of autonomy. It has ME written all over it.

That brings me to the point of this post. This last year has been one of discovery. Working full time has had its side effects in our D/s relationship. We’ve had a huge discovery through endless discussions that my work culture is mostly to blame for some struggles. Coach does not micro-manage me…never has, never will…but he does like to check in with me to make sure everything is the way he needs it to be. My job keeps me from answering texts and having discussions during the day. My hours and his schedule clash. I belong to my company during the day. Initially it wasn’t so bad, but as we’ve come to almost a year we find that the more I’m kept from him during the day the more he’s released even to the point that when I get home at night there really isn’t anything left for me to give and that keeps him from asking and taking. My health struggles have only exacerbated this. We’ve recognized it and are working on it and that’s half the battle.

But it’s not really a battle. It’s part of the ebb and flow of life. The D/s world hates change, but change is inevitable. Change is good because it makes you stronger and better, so long as you embrace it rather than fight against it. Yes, it feels so good to be in a D/s groove that works for you. I love consistency and reliability. I thrive in that atmosphere, but I am aware that it can also make things flat after a while. Growth, however, comes when life throws you that curve ball. You have to be adaptive and creative.

Maybe since we’ve been together so long and have had to endure so many changes we KNOW that “this, too, shall pass.” I am fully confident that we’ll.have a new and improved groove that brings more adventure and elevates our D/s into greater heights.

Up, up and away!

Brave Face

​I’ve been putting on a brave face for almost two years. My immediate family (husband & kids) know, but the rest of the world has been kept at arm’s length. I don’t want to explain and I certainly don’t want to commiserate. I don’t want sympathy or advice.

I’m thankful for the good things that have happened and I don’t take them for granted. I focus on the good because that’s what gets me through each day.

But I am lost. A part of me died. My body has revolted on me with a combination of autoimmune diseases and the beginnings of menopause. I live each day to manage symptoms. I was succeeding and then one day a doctor changed my medication and it all spiraled out of control. Three months on a new dose and I sarted going downhill.

At first it was slow so I worked out more, ate cleaner, got more sleep. I kept getting worse. I DID EVERYTHING! I talked to experts. I managed stress with baths, massages, reflexology, spa treatments. NOTHING WORKED. 

Something else is going on and I can’t get a doctor to listen. Something is wrong and I’m afraid. I have begged for tests. They won’t run them. To do it out of pocket is cost prohibitive. I will keep demanding. Eventually I will find a doctor who will help. 

I had chest pains at work the other day. I don’t know if it was my heart or anxiety. I hid in the bathroom at the far end of the building. I fought off the tears, put on a brave face, and made my way back to my desk. 

I have good days and I cherish them. I am supported by my family. They love me. They take care of me. They protect me. My daughter makes dinner every night. My son helps with laundry. My hustand massages my neck and feet. He holds me and let’s me cry for as long as I needed. I cry a lot. His role is that of loving Dom, supportive husband, Pastor, and best friend. 

I keep thinking I have get my affairs in order. If something happens to me I need to make sure they can get through it all. It hit me hard yesterday as I started the new school year registration process. I made the lists for each kid and couldn’t help wondering if my husband could do it all…kids, school, household, work. He would rise to the occassion, I’m sure. 

I need to put together a master binder of all the passwords and user names. I had to create two new user names and passwords just yesterday so that brings the total up to 1000, at least it feels that way. Parent portals, payment portals, communication portals. Over-fucking-whelming-portals. It’s ridiculous.

It’s not even that I’m tired, it’s that I have pain and memory loss. My chest hurts, my head hurts, and there is muscle weakness. I got lost coming home about a month ago. I blanked and didn’t know where I was. Is that from repetition and zoning out or is it something deeper? 

I am the strongest and weakest person I know.

I’m done talking. Mask on. 

A Life Worth Living

I can hardly believe that I haven’t blogged since the end of April. Life is full. Life is good. So many things going on. Business is booming. There has been a graduation, a scholarship, awards, bonuses, parties, events, competitions, celebrations, and lots of love, fun, and laughter.

I’ve been writing, but am not yet ready to put it out there for public perusal just yet. Soon. I have so much to say, but timing is everything.

Today is Father’s Day. Today is also the 29th anniversary of our first date. I am blessed. So much life lived and so much more to go. Twenty-nine more years with this man will not be enough.

 

 

I Noticed

I noticed you’re not taking care of yourself.

I have a lot to do and I don’t have time.

You have to make the time.

Where will that time come from?

Are you getting more done when you ignore your own needs?

No. I feel like I can’t catch up and am always behind.

That’s because you’re not happy with yourself. When you take care of yourself your mood changes. You become more productive. You procrastinate less.

It feels selfish.

Selfish would be taking care of yourself only and ignoring everything else. You’ve never been that way, but you do put some things off that need to be done. You become anxious when you don’t allow downtime and then you get overwhelmed. Nap if you need a nap. Take a bath. Read a book. Watch a movie. Just make sure that when you do what makes you happy you do so without guilt. Guilt kills your spirit.

Is this a request or an order?

What do you think?

I think I’ll go read for a while.

That’s my girl.

He’s in Pain

He got hurt and has been in pain. At first he was strong and made adjustments to deal with it, but he started getting worn out. It’s been about eight weeks since he pulled an ab muscle. It takes a long time to heal and we’re both weary from it. Prior to that he hurt his shoulder and that took weeks to heal. He wasn’t able to sleep on his right side, which meant cuddling was hard. He was only able to be on that side for a very short time. Many positions were difficult, which meant sex was difficult. You just don’t realize how much you use your abs for certain activities until you really hurt one of those muscles.

Last weekend we scened and it was so damn good. It’s been a hard winter of cold, snow, long hours, family demands, work schedules to juggle, school drop offs and pick ups, worries, tensions, and planning. We both needed the release. We both needed the escape.

This weekend holds a lot of promise. We’ve been able to have our morning cuddles. Sex has gotten easier and hopefully this weekend we can have more intensity. His Sadist and my masochist needed to be sated.

I really want everyone to understand that we kept our cool through all of this. I didn’t have melt downs. I didn’t feel unloved. I didn’t make demands or beg. I knew it would pass and the worst is now over. I wanted him to be well, which meant he needed the time to really heal. He saw two doctors and they each said the same thing…rest. This experience has shown me that I’ve grown as a submissive. A couple of years ago this would have freaked me out. It’s not like he was incapacitated and he still had to go to work everyday at a physically demanding job. He was very tired every night when you came home and our weekends, of course, were packed with activities. I took on the lion’s share of much because he needed me to. This is what we do for each other. This is how we support one another. I know my time will come to get my pampering and to relax from so much responsibility.

I will hold up my end proudly as his submissive.

She Submitted

She submitted out of desire and instinct.

She submitted because she had no choice. Submission was part of her core, maybe even in her DNA.

She submitted because she longed to calm the storm that raged inside and threatened to tear her apart.

She submitted her shields and weapons once she knew she could fully trust.

He picked them up in reverence.

He knew they were given freely and with the assurity they would never be used against her.

He’s Not a Tumblr Dom

They draw you in, don’t they? Those artful black and white memes with their carefully crafted words trying to make women swoon and drool.

They’re all an illusion.

These movie star handsome, wealthy, well-dressed, gift-giving, suave, worldly, French-speaking Doms don’t exist in the real world.

I am married to a former model and that’s about as sophisticated  as it gets. The majority of models don’t make that much and it’s a very short-lived career. He shot for some cool layouts way back when and he earned the whopping editorial rate of $75-$125 an hour. He does wear an suit well and is in great shape, but it’s his job to be in shape.

However…..

He can’t pronounce French (or Italian or Spanish), but his six years of German helps during Oktoberfest.

He doesn’t know a thing about wine and doesn’t pretend to, for that matter.

He really only traveled around the country and did a couple of mission tips to Haiti. When we finally go to Italy no doubt I’ll be doing the ordering.

He knows nothing when it comes to tech and only knows how to send emails, but he’s the go-to guy for all things algebra, calculus, geometey, and trigonometry. He’s good with science, too.

He’s not Mr. Fix-It. I’m the one with the tool skills, but he’ll help me with the housework or help a friend move.

He read what was required in high school and college and over the years has read biographies. He read a voluminous amount of children’s books to our kids. He won’t be picking up a classic or a bestseller anytime soon.

He’ll watch just about any movie with me, even the silly and sappy ones, but his favorites are Tombstone, Back To The Future, and Rocky.

He likes good food and will try different restaurants, but he’s just as happy going to a diner for breakfast. He prefers my cooking above all else.

He hates golf.

He tells the worst jokes.

He works long hours and gets dog-tired. He can get moody and a little withdrawn, but after a good night’s sleep he’s fine.

He’s honest and kind. If you lie to him or you’re an asshole you’re on the shit list. He won’t schmooze you.

He’s real and down to earth. He loves all of me. He’s not a glossy black and white photo. I don’t want him to be something that he’s not. I’ll take him as he is because that’s all I need.

I Outed Myself….Sorta

Every week at work we have a one-hour team meeting and two 15-minute team huddles. It was during one of these short team huddles that I said something that shocked our 10 member team and my supervisor. It was unavoidable because I could not allow the comment that was thrown at me like a grenade to explode at my feet.

We were discussing policies and procedures and handling irate customers. My Supervisor then stated that the way to handle those customers who insist on getting their way was to just nod our heads in agreement. A co-worker quickly interjected, “Like Elle’s husband does when she tells him what to do.”

Wow!

Everyone laughed in agreement. I gave pause and then calmly replied,

“I would never disrespect my husband in such a way and even more, my husband would never allow me to speak to him disrespectfully. I am a competent, take charge woman, but when have you ever heard me speak to anyone disrespectfully? For the record, my husband is the head of our household and he is a true leader. I fear no man and will stand up for myself wherever and whenever, even with my husband, but suggesting that I order him around like some kind of idiot and make him bend to my will is something that he’s going to have a good laugh at tonight, so thank you for that.”

Elvis has left the building.

Happy New Year!

What a year it’s been! I’m so happy to say goodbye to 2015 and hello to a year of possibilities and hope.

We’ve been reading, researching, exploring, and implementing. I’m so thankful for who I am, where I’ve been, and how much I’ve learned.

We’re going to make this the best year ever and embrace every blessing and opportunity.

Wishing all of you peace, love, hope, and joy! Happy New Year!

I Don’t Act My Age

I’m a mature woman, although I know I don’t look my 50 years. I’ve earned the wisdom that comes with living half a century, which means I know enough to seek help, ask questions, and give whenever I can. Some say I am sophisticated and elegant, and even with my diminutive size, I can walk into a room, turn heads, and draw attention. I know how to dress, walk, and talk and feel no intimidation being around those far more achieved and advanced than I. I can hold my own. I can be calm, cool, and collected.

We watched The Age of Adaline a couple of weeks ago and Coach made many comparisons – deep, yet feminine voices, witty and flirtatious remarks that roll off the tongue. I am highly flattered that I’m seen that way. The sophistication is a mask, a shield. There is another side to me.

I am a kid. I’m awkward and weird. I snort when I laugh and I laugh much too loudly. I do voices and quote movie lines constantly. I make faces. If I have a good audience I can put on quite a show. I’m constantly singing. Get me around people that do the same and I become much too boisterous and can get way too silly. I’m also raunchy with the right people, always being careful enough to not step over the line (afterall, I am a lady…a-hem).

I have a hard time getting along with many people my own age and those a little older. However, I have a hoot with the elderly because they don’t care what anyone thinks of them. So many become old farts and are stuffy and boring. They don’t know how to let loose anymore. They act like their Iives are so much more important than everyone else’s.

I used to think this other side of me was immature, but I know better now. I think people spend their time trying to look and sound mature that they forget what maturity is actually all about. A mature person is responsible and dependable. A mature person does what’s needed and doesn’t try to slide by in life. They can work hard, but know when to let go. I learned that I can be mature and not lose my sense of humor and sense of wonder and enjoyment with the world.

People get weary and worn. People get defeated and deflated. Having to bear heavy burdens and weights can break the best them. But where there is a spark, a glimmer of hope you can break through the hardship and allow yourself to fully live. Age and life’s bitch-slaps can’t take my joy. I will always be the silly girl who laughs too loud.

If you need to find me I’ll be the one in killer heels singing karaoke and telling dirty jokes.