Trust- Day 5

I love summer. I’ve had some amazing summers throughout my life so I am always hoping that each summer will be filled with fun. Coach and I started out as a summer romance and it was hot and steamy. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I long for a summer like that again. We were young, sexy, hot, and so very adventurous.

This summer started out with a lot of promise, but events and circumstances haven’t met our hopes and expectations and the burden has been difficult to bear. It hasn’t been the worst summer because our business has gotten some national recognition and we’re very proud of that. However, other things fell apart and we’re picking up the pieces. I know, you win some, you lose some, but this round was very difficult.

The kids have been around a lot this summer. This was a huge travel summer for their friends so our kids have been climbing the walls. I haven’t gotten enough childless hours to decompress and I realize how much I need time alone to process. Mix in some other things that happened that caused us to change a plan we wanted so badly and you can see that we’re both wound up tight…really tight.

The kids start school today and I’m so relieved. After I drop them off I’ll head right to the gym for a much needed workout. This summer also derailed my workouts. I SUCK at working out on my own and I need either Coach training me or people around watching me. I can’t help it, but if men are looking at me I get really motivated. Bad girl.

Is it any wonder we feel off? We’ve had a hard summer. I’ve thought a lot about what we have and I’m trying to put it all in perspective. There are a few things I know about Coach:

1) He does not want to be my babysitter. I’m a grown woman with years of wisdom and experience and he expects me to behave as a mature woman should, which means speaking up when something is wrong and not waiting until it gets too big to handle when emotions take me for a ride.

*I can do many things well, but as my Dom, I need Coach to have more follow-up with me, even if he’s sure whatever project or situation will have a good end product or outcome. I need to feel like he’s engaged in what I’m doing even if he’s given me autonomy.

2) He wants so very much to take care of me, but he absolutely expects me to take care of myself as well. I am to love who I am and believe in myself.

*Not keeping up with my workouts this summer was a big deal to him and I disappointed him. He sees my working out consistently as an act of submission and has told me it energizes him when I am getting fit. He wants me to achieve a standard he’s set for me. I’m weak in this area and this is another area that I really needed his follow-up and his presence.

3) Whining is for children. I am not his child and even with our own children, whining is not tolerated. I can’t say I’ve whined, because I can’t stand whining either, but I’ve complained at times. Complaining is whining’s bitchy best friend. He would much rather I come to him calmly with what I don’t like or with whatever is wrong. I can come to him anytime as long as I do it respectfully. I think I’ve said this a few times and you would think it was gospel by now, but I have my moments.

*I really needed to be called out a few times. I know I can be a handful and Coach is the kind of man that if you’re not on board with him he won’t fight you, he’ll just walk away. I’m full of passion and fire. He is always calm. Many times I take it like he doesn’t care, but it’s just that he doesn’t wear his emotions. I was originally attracted to this aspect of him when we first met. I lived around overly emotional and hot-headed men. I wanted a man with maturity and someone who wouldn’t yell and scream at me. Coach has never done that.

4) Begging for something is a No No, as well. Again, respectfully asking goes a long way. I may not get what I want, but 99.9% of the time it’s because of circumstances and not because he doesn’t want to give.

*I know if Coach was able he’d give me every little thing my heart desired. He’s never denied me what I truly needed. The beginning of this year I had a medical issue that insurance didn’t cover and he didn’t even blink an eye. He insisted I get the procedure done and has never regretted it. It greatly improved my quality of life and I so appreciate him putting me first.

5) Giving him a list of a bunch of things I want (sexual and otherwise) without making sure I explicitly let him know how much I love what he does makes him feel like he can’t do enough for me and that I don’t appreciate him.

*So, I’m a bit insatiable when it comes to sex. There, I said it. Coach has quite an appetite, but life has gotten in the way and he can only do so much. In the words of Bob Marley, “Every little thing is gonna be alright.” We are planning a get away and we’e planning some afternoon time since we’ll have an empty house with the kids back at school. Afternoon delight is delicious and Coach’s schedule allows for that a few times a month so we can get in the hard play we both crave without the kids or the neighbors hearing. In the meantime, Coach has had me on my knees a few times this week ūüėČ

Thank you, Sir, for everything. I Iove you.

Trust – Day 1

He woke me from a deep sleep at 5am by rubbing his hand along my bare back. I rolled over and he kissed me good morning. I turned back over onto my right side and he pulled me in close to spoon me. I pressed my ass into his groin and wiggled. He cupped my left breast and squeezed. We enjoyed a few minutes of wiggles and squeezes with hardness and wetness getting harder and wetter. Then one final squeeze, one final wiggle and he pulled himself away and headed to the bathroom to shower. These morning wake ups are bliss, but they’re fleeting.

I got up and made my way to the kitchen for coffee and to make his breakfast and get everything ready so he can get to work¬†on time. I’m always happy to serve him this way and it is an expression of my submission. I know he appreciates what I do. We kissed goodbye in the laundry room and then he headed through the door to the garage. I am left disappointed because it was a quick kiss and a quick “love you.” Usually, our laundry room goodbyes¬†are filled with so much more. I felt empty, but I promised to trust him over the next 30 days that he will give me what I need.

We are digging deeper into our D/s. We each want more from the other. I think this is the natural course of the relationship. We are different people than when we first started out and our needs have changed. Why 30 days? Some experts say you need 30 consistent days to establish new habits. Our D/s is not a habit, it’s who we are, but we’ve developed some habit patterns that do not serve us well. We uncovered an insecurity that causes me to doubt intentions and not trust so readily, which makes Coach feel like I don’t appreciate what he does for me. We’ve made our declarations and promises to each other and fully intend to give it our all. We both want to be more aware and in-tune with each other. We never want to take what we have for granted.

I know he has a lot on his mind today. An important meeting, a full schedule, a phone call to schedule another important meeting. Working a full time job and trying to build a business is time and thought consuming. My job today will be to make sure everything is functioning properly at home, do some research for him, and get my head in the right frame of mind for the next month.

Our days start early and we won’t physically connect again until close to 10pm on most nights. We don’t have the kind of evenings many couple do. There is no dinner on the table at 6pm so we can all eat together because he is not home. There is no snuggle and play on the couch when the kids go to bed because he is not home. There isn’t a quick fuck before bed because he is not home. These things do happen from time to time, but they are not common occurrences. I have come to accept this part of our lives.

Just a quick check-in call to tell me how a meeting went and a couple of brief texts was the only communication we had all day. We spoke on the phone at 8:15 pm to tell me he was picking our daughter up from dance and would be headed home soon. He told me to kneel for him when he gets home and my heart lept for joy. I knew he was making an effort with a more formal display of D/s and I was thankful. He walked in the door at 9:10 looking terribly exhausted. The 40 minute drive home had taken a toll. I feel for him. Right now I know he would rather go to sleep than do anything else. I was reading to our son, who would not settle down and go to bed earlier, so when he walked in the door he didn’t disturb us and I did not get a kiss hello. He sat on the couch to unwind and shared a little about his day. Then he wanted to check something out online and as he was reading the kids and I got noisy and he became annoyed. I told the kids to go to bed and they went upstairs. I reached over to turn off the lamp and I hit my elbow on the edge of the end table. I became frustrated. He was still annoyed and I took it personally and tried hard to not react negatively. I asked him what was wrong, but I was too insistent. I heard myself and didn’t like what I heard. I knelt at his feet and everything soon settled. I asked if I’ve done well today. He told me that I was good and he was pleased with me. He was just so fucking tired.

He told me to go up to bed and kneel for him. I went to our bedroom to get ready, but I was not moving too fast so I was not kneeling when he walked in, but he was fine with that. I finished¬†what I was doing and I knelt. He washed up in the bathroom and then sat¬†on¬†the edge of the bed and pulled me up to him. He ran his fingers through my hair. He held my face in the palms of his hands and he kissed hard. He gripped my hair at the nape of my neck and kissed me harder. He slapped my tits very hard a few times. He didn‚Äôt speak a word and my eyes were¬†wide and locked on his. He then slapped me across the face a quick three times without any hesitation. He pulled me in and kissed me even harder. He stood¬†up and took off his clothes and his cock was¬†rock hard. He told me to take off my clothes and get on all fours on the bed. I did so¬†quickly. He started to fervently touch me all over. He pinched and twisted my nipples. He plunged his fingers into my wet pussy. I needed this. He stretched back on the bed and told me to suck his cock. I greedily took him in my mouth and sucked and licked. He moaned. I moaned. He held my hair and guided my head. I felt myself drifting into subspace, but I moved some weird way and felt a pinch in the back of my neck. I told him my neck was hurting. He told me to lay down and he wrapped his arm around me and cupped my left breast with his. We were in the same position as we were that¬†morning. He told me to sleep. I let out a whimper of frustration, but quickly recovered. He promised we’ll pick it up tomorrow and we both drifted off to sleep.

It’s Hard Being My Dominant

Whose plight is more difficult, the Dominant’s or the submissive’s? Is it harder to reveal and open up or is it harder to unveil and draw out? I think the Dominant’s plight is far more difficult because you can only know as much as the submissive is willing and trusting enough to share. It seems you are at your submissive’s mercy and have to constantly make the choice¬†to keep reaching for an answer. You know something is hovering near the surface and you attempt to coax, persuade, and maybe even command it be revealed, but your submissive may not be ready to let it out or even know that there is something that needs to come out. That was me, until the other night, when I finally revealed it to Coach. What a foolish woman I’ve been!

I kept it hidden away so deep inside for so long I didn’t even realize it was there anymore, but I had to admit that there was a hold back and just a few words from you unlocked the door, but after a very difficult conversation. I spoke words to a friend last week and my own words have haunted me ever since. I said she needs to trust herself, but I needed to heed my own advice. I trust you, Sir, I just didn’t trust myself.

You sensed it from me all along, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. When I wasn’t even aware it was there you knew something was living in me that motivated me to do and say things we both didn’t understand. My hold back was our hold back and it’s kept you/us from moving forward.

I’m thankful for these moments of clarity and revelation and I hope to keep having more because as hard as they are to work through, they bring us closer and make us better for each other. Your patience with me and love for me is a testimony to how strong you really are and how much I need you as my Dominant. I want you as my Dominant. I want to be your submissive.

Yes, you have it harder than me.

“After all that we’ve been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

And after all that’s been said and done,

You’re just the part of me I can’t let go.

After all that we’ve been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

You’re gonna be the lucky one.”

Kiss me

18ov67-1

Kiss me all day

Kiss me everyday
Kiss me like you can’t get enough
Kiss me like it’s the last time
Kiss me like it’s our first
Kiss me like the world is brand new
Kiss me with passion

Kiss me with desire

Kiss me with seduction
Kiss me with lust

Kiss me with fire

Kiss me now
Kiss me later
Kiss me tomorrow
Kiss me forever
Kiss me with devotion
Kiss me with love
Kiss me so I’ll never doubt

Kiss me¬† like we’re¬†teenagers in the back seat of a car

Kiss me while I’m sitting in your lap

Kiss while you’re pressed up against my back

Kiss me with your hand up my shirt

Kiss me with your hand up my skirt

Kiss me in public

Kiss me in private

Just kiss me