I know I’m tough. I know how much I can take. I’ve taken hard hits to the face. I’ve turned the other cheek and felt those punches on both sides. I’ve been sucker punched and kidney punched, too. I’ve been a human punching bag. I’ve been up against the ropes and backed into the corner. I’ve had some brutal battles and I keep getting back up.
I have a tenacious opponent who has come after me for too many years. She waits for my weakness to show and then she lurches. I’m quick and agile so I’m able to bob and weave and sometimes manage to hit back hard, but I’ve never been able to knock her out.
She is me. It’s too easy to beat myself up. I fall for it more than I care to admit. I am my own worst enemy.
It got flushed back up last October. I was already dealing with some issues when the text messages started. Initially disguised as an invitation the messages were actually demands.
I was being summoned by one of my brothers to fly to Florida and attend his only son’s wedding on Valentine’s Day. He was telling all us siblings that our mother wanted all her children in one room together with her before she died. My first question was to ask if she was dying. No, she was not, but according to my brother she was going to keel over any moment and I was selfish for questioning. I told him that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it. Subsequent messages over the next month and a half became more demanding. Not once was I asked and every message became more threatening.
This is the brother that abused me. This is the brother that abused two wives. This is the mother that defends his actions. His last domestic violence arrest was on Thanksgiving 2013. His wife called the police on him. His excuse was that he didn’t do anything because he passed out. There was blood on his arms. She dropped the charges. I called him an abuser to my mother and she flipped. Again, but it’s nothing new, I was the trouble maker.
I haven’t seen this brother since June 2007. I haven’t seen my mother since July 2006. I haven’t seen my oldest brother since August 1993 and have never met two of his three children. I haven’t seen my two other brothers since August 2003 and they have only met one of my two children. I stay away from my family. The only one I want to see is my youngest brother. He is the only one I have anything in common with. The other three engaged in all sorts of illegal activities from dealing drugs to stealing cars. My mother just cannot wrap her head around the fact that they are not good boys. She has bailed them out over and over. She still believes she can save these 50-something year old punks. Not one has had to serve more than a couple of days in county jail, but maybe, just maybe had the example been set early on with the first incident, or if true accountability was instituted in my family, we could actually be a family today. They are selfish, nasty, crude, bitter, abusive, disgusting, arrogant, and hostile. I suffered terrible emotional and physical abuse at their hands. That one brother I mentioned was the worst of all.
They all got together, but not for the wedding since no one could make it in February. They got together for my mom’s 80th birthday yesterday. My youngest brother was there. We talked this morning and he said he can’t take it anymore. He stood up to them. They tried picking on him way back when, but like them, he got tall and broad. I stood a mere 5’3″ and 110 lbs to the abuser’s 6’6″ 215 lbs. I never cowered and I always fought back. I will always fight back, but they can’t hurt me anymore. I stay in my little corner of the world living the life I want to live and I wonder how many take abuse from their families as adults when they don’t have to. I have the power now and I will NEVER hand it back over to them.
I am so happy to say that I found the original author on FetLife. His name is MasterDane and he has since renamed this work Traits of an Extreme Submissive Personality. I am delighted to repost this (with his permission, of course…thank you, Sir). You can see his original work here https://fetlife.com/users/424067/posts/320358