Sad

I woke up very sad today. A part of my life came to an end yesterday, and as much as I think I’m strong and can handle it, I’m really hurt.

She was first a Pastor, then a study and bible teaching partner, then a Co-worker, then a very close friend who was even in the delivery room when our son was born, then she was (I thought) part of the family. Last, she was my employer. The first year was great. I needed a part time job, she owned a small bookkeeping company. I worked 2 days in the office and 2-3 days at home. Today I send her my 24th and final invoice.

It all started going bad in January when each week my hours started gradually getting cut. I knew she was having problems, but she wouldn’t talk. Even to this day she won’t talk. She has been so passive aggresively dealing with me. The most minor thing turned into a snotty little note waiting for me on my keyboard. She was never in the office when I worked and if she was she purposely dodged me. My hours got reduced to one day a week and for a reason I can’t explain, I didn’t quit. I tried to talk to her and a couple of times I sent pleading texts and did not receive an answer. We didn’t hang out anymore. She is part of an extended circle of friends so I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again, but it’ll be awkward.

Last week I told her I was quitting and she gave me the option of working until I found something else. I needed to make it effective immediatly. Yesterday I dropped off my company credit card and the keys. I didn’t leave a note. A few hours later I received a text that read, “See you around sometime.”

I want to shrug it off, but I can’t. I didn’t shed a tear when I quit because a job’s a job. But losing a friend…that hurts. My husband is glad I finally let go. He wanted me to quit for a long time. He saw the downward spiral and wanted to protect my heart. Out of the kindness of his heart he never gave me an ultimatum. He could have ordered me to quit and being the sub that I am, I would have done so. He knew I needed time because this wasn’t just any job. I had to go through a grieving process and I was finally ready to say goodbye because I knew the friendship was over as much as the job. He told me he was proud of me.

I see that I’m loyal to a fault. If I say you’re my friend it means something. I also know that I’m an emotional masochist. I’m learning, with help from my husband, how to not let people emotionally hurt me, but it may take a while.

I put on a brave face yesterday for the sake of the kids, but last night, against my better judgement, I cried myself to sleep.