Moral Compass

Failure

I read some posts last night, saw some crap on Facebook, and had a really bad dream. It’s all still there underneath the surface and it’s obvious that I still have triggers. I haven’t had this dream in a long time, but at least I didn’t wake up screaming like the nightmares I used to have. I woke up in anguish and with tears rolling off my cheeks. Coach held me close and soothed me. He knows the depths of my pain. He knows.

When you are betrayed, lied to, deceived, cheated on, and abandoned by someone you love, the pain never really goes away. Much like the death of a loved one, you learn to cope with it, but it lives under the surface. A loved one that goes away because they die is profoundly different. We know death is inevitable for us all, and as horrible and soul-wrenching as a death is, we have an understanding of it. Betrayal is a different story. Deceit is a white hot knife that plunges into you and brands your heart against your consent. Lies and cheating leave their marks on you. Your soul knows its been abandoned. It knows.

I found out about the affair accidently. She was his friend, invited to the wedding (she declined) and after we married I was introduced. We would all meet up from time to time at a pub for Happy Hour. We laughed and shared. I got along well with her and thought of her as a friend. Just 16 months into the marriage he left and claimed he didn’t want to be married anymore, to me or anyone else. He fucked me all night long and in the morning told me to leave. Devasted is an understatement. For months I begged and pleaded with him and would even talk to her on the phone for comfort. She never let on. She bold-faced lied. One night I called her and he answered. I knew. She knew. He knew.

They wouldn’t admit the truth. I went into a rage that should never, ever be duplicated. I can understand the point one needs to get to in order to snap, but I didn’t, although I balanced on the precipice for a few days. Coach was there and kept me from jumping off a cliff. Coach has been there since. He knows. He knows.

The ex was cheating on me while we were together and for all I do know it could have very well been from the beginning. I look back now and can see all the signs. The spouses that are left in the wake can always see the signs. Whether or not we want to admit it is a different story. We know. We always know.

Last year I had a friend who revealed she’s married. The guy she’s dating is also married. I didn’t know they were married and was always under the belief that they were single and dating. Our friendship had become well established before these facts were ever told to me. I wanted to be fair-minded and not judge. I was asked to understand. It was a very difficult position to put someone in. They lamented about how they weren’t understood by their spouses and that they wanted to remain married. Of course they did because they have too much to lose in a divorce, especially if their affair became known to their spouses. They honestly believe they are better at being a husband and a wife. They should know better. They should know.

I was in territory I did not belong and I was sacrificing my beliefs for friendship. One day she informed me that she may be found out and would need to lay low for a while, but would seek me out when everything settled. I was part of her “other life” so I, too, must remain hidden. She had something that belonged to me and I had been asking for it back for a few weeks. I made some lightning fast decisions in a matter of seconds and my text back to her was not about asking her if she was OK or expressing any kind of concern for what she was going through. No, I wanted back what belonged to me because if that piece of property got into her husband’s hands I would be the one to get hurt. I was sure she was going to disappear and I would never speak to her again, let alone get back my precious property. My first text asked if I was still going to get it back and then a moment later I sent another text asking if she was OK. My gut instincts were to cut and run. A week later I received back my property and a nastygram. I was hurt because she insinuated that I wasn’t genuine and not who I said I was or what she had always believed. I know who I am. I know.

When you bring someone into your lie you cause them to lie. You should never, ever put anyone in that position. I know what it’s like to have this kind of lie going on behind my back and I know the devastation it leaves behind. I live it. I’ve had nightmares about it. I grieve for their spouses, who are supposedly good people, by the way, so why then hurt them like this? Why deceive them? You know they’ll be devastated if and when they find out. TELL THEM THE TRUTH GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE! There are very few circumstances when lying is justified. If you hid Jews from the Nazis I thank you for your lies and you are a hero. Hiding your affair from your husband is something entirely different. Do you see the distinction? You know and I know you know.

My moral compass has been taken to the shop for repair because I dropped it and cracked my glass, just like I did recently with my new phone.  So very different than my phone, when I crack the glass on my compass God doesn’t void my warranty. I’m allowed to repair my moral compass as many times as it needs repair and each and every time I get to start over as good as new. I am known to Him. I am known.

MoralCompass

“The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22 & 23 (NASB)

I am not suggesting that anyone stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but you MUST end the marriage first before becoming involved with anyone else as it’s just simply the right thing to do. Don’t bring people unwittingly into this secret life of yours and expect them to always say and do the right thing by you. When a conscience speaks it comes out in ways you will not like. You don’t have the right to be annoyed, mad, incensed, outraged, indignant, or offended by how anyone reacts at any given time to your situation. You seek loyalty from friends whom you’ve entrusted with so great a secret, but you put a heavy burden upon their shoulders that they shouldn’t have to bear. Bear your own burdens. When she told me her husband may be onto her something in me clicked. I was aiding her deception and betrayal and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought. I allowed myself to be put into this position and I was wrong for allowing it. I take full responsibility for my actions. No longer will the truth of who I am and what I believe be silenced for anyone’s benefit and I will not be made to feel guilty for telling you that you’re wrong. The truth knows. The truth always knows.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.”
 Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)

Madame Gretchen by Kayla Lords

madame-gretchen-cover1-224x300

Six kinksters want to join the most exclusive BDSM club in the area,The Iron Maiden. The first requirement? Survive Madame Gretchen. Join them as they navigate six weeks of kinkiness led by a sadistic, crop-wielding Domme who loves forced orgasms and demands total surrender. Their limits will be stretched and their desires uncovered.

I am so happy to be sharing with you the release of Kayla Lord’s new book Madame Gretchen. Kayla is a wonderful author of kinky fuckery and many of you have seen her comments on this blog. This is the perfect book to read this weekend, especially if you’d rather not go out in the snow and ice…brrr. So pour some wine, start a fire, grab a blanket (and maybe a vibrator or two…I’m such a bad girl), curl up in your favorite chair, and prepare to have some soaked panties. I know I got your attention now!

You can buy the book on Amazon and it’s available for free on Kindle Unlimited

Need a little more to whet your appetite? Here’s a juicy excerpt from Madame Gretchen:

As she entered the classroom, Ivory looked around and smiled wide. Everywhere she looked there was rope. Blue rope. Purple rope. Miles and miles of rope. “I see you approve, Ivory.” Ivory’s head whipped around to find Madame Gretchen wearing a rope harness over a black tee-shirt. “Ya know, that’s probably the most normal thing I’ve seen you wear, Ma’am.” The Domme looked down at the rope on her chest. Ivory giggled. “The shirt, Ma’am. Although the rope looks sorta natural, too, though.” “A girl has to practice on someone, right?” With a wink, Madame Gretchen turned her attention from Ivory to Randy Boy as he entered, leaving the large woman alone with her thoughts. Ernie loved rope. He’d tied Ivory into all kinds of positions through their long marriage. Her favorite was being tied down to the bed while her Daddy Bear had his way with his Ivory Baby. Ivory shivered in delight at the memory, wishing she could have such an experience at least one more time. The slight burn on her wrists and ankles as she struggled against her restraints. The feeling of helplessness as he bent over her body, touching and biting where he wanted, when he wanted. She was a “rope bunny” – at least she thought that’s what it was called. As she’d spent more time online, she’d learned about all kinds of other things people could do with rope. Suspension was at the top of her list. Well, being photographed in the nude while suspended was at the very top of her list. Ivory smiled to herself, her face growing hot at her own audacity. Me, a grandmother of two babies, gettin’ naked in front of a photographer. No one would believe it! “Good evening, everyone.” Madame Gretchen’s sultry voice broke through Ivory’s thoughts. “It was bound to happen. We lost someone this week – two someone’s. Our switch friends Mami and Pup – or Missy and Big Daddy, if you prefer – will not be joining us again. They’ve had a health issue come up and will take another round of sessions when they can. If they think I’ll be easier on them or I use the same techniques each time and can prepare for them, that’ll be the surprise for them.” The Domme chuckled softly to herself. Ivory could only imagine the sadistic plans she had for the couple when they came back through the course. She made a mental note to text Missy to find out what the heck happened. “Clearly, you see all the rope laid out on the tables.” The Domme made a sweeping gesture across the room. “No one here, other than myself, is qualified to restrain anyone, but I will teach you a couple of basic ties, and everyone will have the chance to be restrained by me and tortured, I mean teased, by your fellow kinksters for a few minutes. Let’s begin.” Madame Gretchen took them through a basic daisy chain tie to keep the rope organized. Ivory felt her mind slip away in the monotony of the motions. Loop. Pull through. Tighten. Loop. Pull through. Tighten. She could feel her body respond to the memories of days gone by – the tightening around her wrists, the feelings of nervousness followed quickly by excitement. Freedom of movement is a luxury people take for granted. Restraint feels so dangerous and dirty. Ivory closed her eyes as muscle memory took over her hands. “I see you have a bit of experience.” Ivory’s eyes flew open at the Domme’s husky voice. “I think there’s more to you than meets the eye, Ivory.” She looked down at her rope, unsure how to respond. There had always been Ernie in her mind and body. No one else had ever made her want them before, until this small Domme. She’s safe. I could neverlove herthe way I love my Ernie. At the realization, Ivory felt her natural confidence and exuberance return. With a twinkle in her eye, she smiled wide. “Ma’am, I have no doubt you and many others would be surprised at what I keep to myself.” With a wink at Madame Gretchen, she returned to her daisy chain, determined not to drift off again. The Domme chuckled, as if she had no doubts of the surprises Ivory contained, and turned to Randy Boy as he struggled to untangle himself from the rope. Ivory found herself paired with the slight man moments later as Madame Gretchen walked everyone through simple wrist restraints using a slip knot. “Randy, honey, what are you doin’?” Ivory couldn’t keep the amusement from her voice. The poor man was tangled again. “Here, let me show ya.” Ivory took the rope from his hands and wrapped it around his pale wrist. She liked the contrast between them. Her dark skin, his pale skin. His lanky frame, her round one. She was sure she’d hurt him if she rode him like a stallion, but that didn’t stop the image from popping into her head. As she slipped the length of rope through the loop she made, she watched his face. The moment she tightened the rope, his entire body tensed and then immediately relaxed as he gave himself over to the sensation of being moderately restrained. She pulled against the rope, forcing his hand and arm to move. A trickle of something crept up her spine at the control she had over him. She could lead him anywhere. And he’d probably follow.

I’m so hot after reading that and I bet you are too. Now go buy the book…it’s only $2.99!

How about while you’re at it you get to know Kayla a little better:

kaylalords

I discovered my love of writing at age seven and my sexual fantasies by age 13. It took a divorce and re-entry into the dating to world to find my sexual power and voice. I am a sexual submissive in the BDSM lifestyle which is not as extreme and terrifying as it may first appear from the outside looking in.

I write BDSM-themed erotica with a focus on dominance and submission (D/s). I not only want to turn my readers on, but I want them to realize that D/s is more than just a kink and isn’t scary or degrading.

A blogger, tweeter, and talker, I love interacting with my readers as much as possible!

 

Get social with Kayla:

Website

Facebook

Twitter 

Tumblr

Goodreads

Jill

I haven’t forgotten you, Jill. After you left this world I started getting high with Carol and Julie after school. Then Julie moved away.

Why didn’t I go with you when you asked me? If I was there you wouldn’t have been murdered. He didn’t have a gun so we could have kicked his ass together. He was a little shit and we could have done it.

When I worked at the farm I used to go down to the stream where they found you. I used to daydream that I found you and brought you back to life. Sometimes I would daydream that I found him attacking you and I jumped him before he could rape you and smash your head on that rock. I could have saved your life.

Why did you hitchhike? We could have gotten a ride from my mom. Why did I say no when you asked me to go with you?

Kim and I got drunk on the beach a week later. Her mom blamed me for breaking into their liquor cabinet, but it was Kim. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with Kim after that and we had to sneak around to be friends all through high school. I got drunk because of you. Kim’s sister dates my younger brother now. She was the one who lied and told her mom I did it.

I was afraid of sex after finding out you were raped. I was called a tease and a bitch because I would always stop the boys. A boy lied about me and I was labeled as one of the biggest whores in school. I know you would have defended me. They would have listened to you.

I just found out the fucker might get out of jail this month, the month you died, 35 years ago, at 15.

I miss you.

Back On Stage ~ It’s Show Time, Folks!

IT’S A HAPPY DAY FOR ME! I woke up this morning absolutely sure. I’ve been debating this in my head and heart for years. I’ve given myself every single reason why it can’t be done…

I’m too old, I have kids, I have to be in better shape, I haven’t done it in so long, I’m too old, what if…what if…what if…what if….

FUCK YOU WHAT IF!

FUCK YOU AGE!

There’s a part of me that is unhappy and I’ve looked around to see what can fill it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so very happy with Coach, I’m so very happy with our kids, I’m so very happy with friends, but there’s a part of me that is still a little unhappy and it’s because I’m not doing what I love to do. Bottom line is that I am a performer at heart and it’s my first love. I’ve been performing since I was 4 years old and appeared in a commercial. I’ve been acting, singing, and dancing as far back as I can remember. I’ve had all the professional training. I really don’t want to do anything else. It’s not about money. It’s about what truly gives me joy. I can’t be the joyful person I am unless I perform.

When I’m on stage it’s as if I’m transported into a world of pure bliss. Time stands still and it feels a little like subspace. I am completely in the moment without another thought or care. The high I get from it is beyond anything you can imagine. I love the energy I get from an audience and I feed on it. The more I give, the more they give and it is electrifying. I am fully me on stage and I miss it. The only other thing that gave me that kind of high was running track. Sports and performing are very similar because you have to put it all out there. It’s all or nothing.

So do I just go out and audition for a show? Do I put together a headshot and resume and go find an agent? Nope. I’m doing this my way! I listened to some Sinatra last night and I know what I want.

My voice is well-suited for cabaret singing…157999718Deep, sultry, a little raspy, but I’m able to hit some notes. There’s nothing like a piano bar, a single mic, and standing there in a long, slinky dress that looks like it’s ready to slip off, slide down and pool around the ankles, luxurious hair cascading around shoulders with a sexy wave that covers one eye. Fuck me, that ‘s hot! Now to find someone to play piano for me. In a cabaret setting there must be chemistry between the musician and the singer. Anyone want to be my accompanist?

I love comedy, especially sketch comedy and improv. I’ve written and performed in both. Comedy keeps you on your toes unlike any other type of performance, in my humble opinion. You have to be quick and sharp and have some serious mental dexterity. I’ve studied and performed Greek theater and Shakespeare (they don’t pay well) and comedy is so much harder.

fe86f7a71ee28de7ac79896e90454893Burlesque is like a drug to me and I haven’t gone to nearly enough shows, but I’m online A LOT watching the best of the best. I love the tease of it. I love the turn on. Unlike stripping, there’s an art to it and that really turns me on. I have wanted to perform burlesque since I first heard of Gypsy Rose Lee, Blaze Starr, and Josephine Baker. Today, burlesque is on fire and I want a piece of it. Did I tell you I look so fine in a corset? Watch out, Dita, here I come!

I know how to put together a show and I’ve directed and performed in a few musicals. I have some skills and I plan on using them. Yup, the performance bug came crawling in again and bit me. I love to be bitten.

So those are my elements and what I plan on putting together for my act. When? Who knows, but I’m going to have some fun working on it. I’ll take some classes, put a couple of acts together, work on my schtick, lift weights and workout like there’s no tomorrow, search for a venue so I can audition (gotta have a goal), read, learn, and grow.

b37fe__IMAGE-Le-Scandal-Cabaret4

You’ve Got A Friend

I sang this song for a talent show when I was in middle school. I woke up hearing it. The words have always gripped me. I have a heavy heart today, but I’ll be fine. I know that my heart has an amazing capacity to love and it’s more inclusive than exclusive. I see that as a tremendous benefit and Coach said it’s a gift. I should never take that gift for granted.

To D and J…thank you! I so wish I could share more about me with you. I wish you could read this blog. You know I have it, but have never pushed to read it because you allow me the opportunity to say what I need to say into the Universe. I know you wouldn’t judge, but I would never risk anything coming between us. I love you both too much to do such a thing.

J, we’ve known each other since we were 13 (35 years!), when I met you on our first day of high school. We were instant friends. My nickname is Elle because of you. You get my warped humor, the humor I don’t show on this blog, and you just get me. We partied till we dropped, danced until dawn more times than I can count, laughed, cried, and supported each other all these years. I’m checking my lottery numbers because I promised I’d buy you a Jaguar one of these days and I always keep my promises.

D, your wisdom is beyond most people’s comprehension. We were instant friends from the moment I made that fateful call and you answered the phone. You are the older sister I never had. Our age difference means nothing to us. You always call at the exact moment of my pain or joy. How do you do that? How are you so tuned in to the extremes of my heart? Everyone is confused by our friendship because no one in a million years would expect us to be friends. We seem so opposite, but that’s because they only see the outside. On the inside, we’re cut from the same bolt of cloth. We’ve never had one single disagreement in the 13 years we’ve been friends. I am a better person when I’m with you. You bring out the very best in me. You are in a class all your own.

When you’re down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothin’, nnothin’ is goin’ right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’ to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin, yeah, yeah,
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will

Now ain’t it good to know
that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold
They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin, runnin’, yeah, yeah, yeah
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will
You’ve got a friend,
you’ve got a friend,
ain’t it good to know,
you’ve got a friend,
ain’t it good to know,
ain’t it good to know,
ain’t it good to know,
you’ve got a friend,
oh yeah now, you’ve got a friend,
yeah baby, you’ve got a friend,
oh yeah, you’ve got a friend.

It’s A Pleasure To Finally Meet You

He holds my face in his two hands and smiles while he scans me with curiosity and lust and then as he leans in closer I slowly begin to close my eyes and my mouth slightly parts to receive a long awaited kiss but I feel his hot breath against my cheek and then he grazes his lips softly against mine and whispers a request so I willingly lower myself gracefully down onto my knees and look up at him as I pull his zipper down and release his throbbing eagerness and I lick my lips in anticipation and salaciously smile when he tells me it’s a pleasure to finally meet me.