Subtle Racism

This post was written by both Coach & Elle

This may not be a topic that interests any of you in the D/s or BDSM world, but  racism also exists within that realm and recently we experienced a subtle form of it and it needs to be addressed because ignorance abounds.

It’s usually the subtle form of racism that causes problems. We’re pretty sure we all know what overt racism looks like. Racial slurs and blatant discrimination and prejudice offends any good and decent person, at least we hope it would. If it doesn’t you’re not a good and decent person, and if that’s you, please stop reading and get some help. You do not need to be wearing a white hood or have a swastika tattooed on your forehead in order to do and say things that are racist or at the very least extremely insensitive and seriously tacky.

Subtle racism – which can include social slights and ambiguous remarks that are hard to pin down – is more dangerous to mental health than overt discrimination, according to a study of 180 Korean immigrants living in Canada.

“We found that the subtle form of discrimination has a greater impact on psychological distress such as symptoms of depression and anxiety,” said lead author Samuel Noh, professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto.

The study, which appears in the July issue of the American Journal of Public Health , involved a survey of mostly middle-aged Korean immigrants now living in Toronto. While the participants’ reports of overt discrimination related to moods that were less positive, only subtle discrimination showed a connection with actual psychological symptoms.

“It’s easier to shrug off overt discrimination,” Noh said. “You can attribute it to irrational behavior on the part of the other person. You don’t have to examine yourself or the situation too closely.”

Overt discrimination — such as racist remarks — is a clear form of prejudice, but subtle discrimination is harder to pinpoint. For example, if your colleagues invite others to dinner but not you, it is hard to know if it is because they’ve known each other for a long time, because they don’t like you or because they are uncomfortable with people of your race.

The study found that while the effects of overt discrimination related to simply experiencing it, the effects of subtle discrimination could influence how the person thought about what had happened.

“Subtle discrimination mostly occurs in interactions with people who are close to you —like colleagues, your manager, your friends — and it’s not very clear or explicit,” Noh said. As those experiencing the discrimination try to determine what is going on, they are likely to examine their social role, including whether people around them accept them truly. “If you are in a situation where you have to continuously appraise your abilities or your quality as a person, obviously, that would affect your self-esteem,” Noh said.

What really stood out for us in the above quote is the fact that subtle racism occurs mostly among people you know, which is something we have experienced (recently, as a matter of fact) and it’s a complete let down because when it comes from people you know, like friends, your guard is down. It starts out slowly and in your mind you hear it, but you brush it off. You want to give the benefit of the doubt that the people you trust can’t possibly be saying what they’re saying. So you move on to other conversation and then it happens again, but everyone is laughing because it was just a little joke and come on, don’t be so serious. Then BAM! Sucker punch number three and now you’re pissed, really pissed.

Here’s the problem people (so brace yourself) – a black man who gets mad can really offend some white people. Irrational fear? Absolutely. Mad doesn’t mean aggressive. Mad doesn’t mean force. Mad doesn’t mean yelling. Mad is just mad and everyone has the right to get mad, especially when someone says something racist – overt or subtle. Why don’t we call it “justifiable anger.”  It’s been said so many times before on this blog that Coach won’t yell and he makes sure he watches how he is because we’ve seen how some people get when they know he’s far from pleased with their attitude and behavior, but never has it been said that he doesn’t get mad, angry, disgusted, or annoyed. If you are deemed ignorant you will get a cold shoulder and if at any time you received at a cold shoulder from Coach it’s because he does not think highly of you and you must have done or said something(s) really stupid. But God forbid you have a black man angry with you. By the way, Doms can get angry (because they’re human), but it’s how they handle their anger that matters.

When confronted with racism many people don’t want to believe that they’ve said anything racist. “I’m not a racist!” You’ll hear them shout emphatically from their enlightened rooftops. Saying something racist does not mean you’re a racist, it just means you’re ignorant. 

While overt expressions of racism have declined significantly in the past 35 years, another, more subtle kind of racism has taken their place, says a UConn professor of psychology.

“Racism doesn’t disappear because laws change,” says Jack Dovidio, a social psychologist who has been studying racism and stereotyping for nearly 30 years. Dovidio says poverty, unemployment, and high levels of infant mortality among blacks led him to study the nature of prejudice.

Much of his research has focused on subtle racism.

“Old-fashioned racism was blatant,” Dovidio says, “while subtle racism is often unintentional and unconscious.” But the effects are nonetheless damaging, he says, and they foster miscommunication and mistrust.

Some important background about Coach:

“I am not from the south, I’m from the midwest. I did not grow up poor. I’ve never lived in the inner city, but instead grew up in one of the wealthiest counties in America. I lived in a beautiful house in a well-to-do neighborhood. I went to private school until 8th grade. My family (immediate and extended) is full of highly educated men and woman and high achievers. My mother graduated from high school a year early and in 1950 received her Bachelor’s degree in Education from a major university in Michigan. She became a school teacher. She comes from a large family and they all went to college. She was even on the men’s archery team in college and she went on to get her Master’s degree in library science. My father was a WWII Vet, earned two Master’s degrees (Chemistry and Civil Engineering), qualified for Olympic Trials in boxing, was Golden Gloves, and was Chairman of the Zoning Board where we lived. He went on to have his own Civil Engineering firm. My brother received his Bachelor’s in Mathematics from an Ivy League school, qualified for Olympic Trials in wrestling, became a Major in the Air Force and was a highly acclaimed radiologist before he passed away at the age of 36. My sister has a Master’s and is a retired school teacher. I received my Bachelor’s in Operations Management from a top-ranked university on the east coast. I played football under a Hall of Fame Coach and started as a walk-on, tried out for the Chicago Bears, but then tore my Achilles tendon. I was a graduate assistant and coached track while working toward my Master’s in Sport’s Marketing.

My parents had to deal with Jim Crow laws (which were still in effect when I was a boy) and extreme forms of racism (my dad marched) no matter how much education they had. Black people had to be wiser, and let’s face it, smarter and better than their white counterparts in order to achieve what they achieved. My father had to work at the post office for years before he ever got a Civil Engineering position because he was flat out told by many firms that a black man can’t have degrees like that. He never took a hand out and worked hard to take care of his family, doing what he needed to do. There was no such thing as Affirmative Action and yet they found a way to succeed. My brother had a dying man try to kick him because he didn’t want to be treated by a black man.”

We want you to know that not all black families in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s were uneducated. Remember how surprised some of white America was when The Cosby Show came on in the 80s and people had no idea that black families lived like that? We gave you all this background so you’ll know that we don’t play the race card and that race has never been and will never be a crutch or an excuse in our family. We don’t make assumptions that getting or not getting something is based on race. We believe in earned achievement and working hard and smart. We moved to our current location out west because it’s different here. Mixed race families are common and no one is surprised that Coach doesn’t sound ghetto. Coach doesn’t hear that he’s not black enough (whatever that means) either or that he sounds white or that a good black man got stolen away by a white woman. Oh, yes, you better believe we’ve heard those comments and much, much more. So you know, those kinds of comments are racist and we consider them borderline overt.

We’ve noticed that subtle racism (coming from a man) almost always starts off with an attempted pissing contest. I guess that kind of man needs to feel like he has a level of superiority. Maybe a really good looking, in shape, educated black man feels like a threat? Who knows? We recently had dinner with a couple and the guy started throwing out jabs about Coach’s Alma mater. It was borderline rude, especially since his own Alma mater wasn’t as competitive. The guy continued to do the usual bragging about his life and Coach didn’t feel the need to spar. Next thing you know, out of the blue, the dude feels the need to tell Coach that he has a black friend. Hello? Awkward! Ask most mixed race couples and you’ll find that most of us get this at one time or another. It’s usually a sign of insecurity with someone’s blackness. Maybe they want to feel like they’re on equal footing or that we believe them to be comfortable with our difference. Sometimes they want to tell us that they worked with a lot of black people, lived near a lot of black people, or that they even dated a black person. It’s always uncomfortable when the conversation starts to go in that direction. What are we supposed to say to you? “Welcome to the club?” “We think you’re cool?” Why can’t a black person be treated like any other person and not have race even brought up, especially in casual conversation with people we’re just getting to know? Yes, you recognize that someone has much darker skin, but can’t it just end at that? We’re all humans of different ethnicities. We even hate the word racism, because we’re all of the same race.

Homo sapiens, ( Latin: “wise man”) the species to which all modern human beings belong.

The next day we went hiking. We were going up elevation and it was an extremely rocky ridge that had some difficult maneuvers. The dude, yeah the same one, says to Coach, with a haughty tone, “You’re a sprinter, why don’t you run?” Yes, he said that. First, what a rude comment to make. What purpose did it serve? Second, you don’t sprint when you hike up rocks, dipshit. Coach was great because his reply was, “Who am I here to impress.” That shut the guy right up (who, by the way, needed to lose at least 60, maybe 70 lbs) and couldn’t sprint up those rocks if his life depended on it. We got to our destination and we’re taking pics when out from the dude’s mouth we hear, “I have a black man in my frame.” Coach did not say a word and he didn’t move out of the frame, either, but I knew it was over with that dude’s sorry ass right then and there. He would never have a chance to get in Coach’s good graces again.

We hate conflict. We want resolution and we always think that given enough time people will redeem themselves. We realize that we can’t force those kinds of resolutions. In this case, however, we should have been much sharper. It’s just that it all shocked us so much, especially because of the person involved. It’s taken a bit to process. We put up those comments for our Facebook friends to examine, many of whom are in mixed race marriages, and they were shocked. They were especially shocked at our restraint. Some of you may see nothing wrong with what was said, but that’s OK. Our reality and considerations are different than yours.

We don’t have room in our lives for ignorance. We are a mixed race couple with mixed race children living in a world that doesn’t make  things easy for us at times. We have to eliminate stupidity wherever and whenever it rears its ugly head. If you think that you are a friend of ours and you joke around using race has a qualifier, and then after it’s pointed out you you get offended, we’re SO done with you. However, before we cut it off we may give you the opportunity to see the error of your ways. Many will stay in their offense. It takes a person of unique character to want to take the opportunity to learn and change. Most will stay in their insulated bubble pretending to be accepting of all people for political correctness sake or because they don’t dare admit what really goes on inside their own heart.

53 thoughts on “Subtle Racism

  1. Wow. Just….wow. My best friend on the planet (God, I am missing her right now) is married to a black man. I would have been shocked and horrified if anyone I knew ever said things to her or him like what you heard recently. Absolutely appalled.

    I couldn’t help but feel horrible that Coach would have to justify his own upbringing and family history in order to explain himself or your life for the purposes of understanding the problem. I understand that you might need to because there are a lot of misinformed, ignorant people in the world. But I’m a white woman who DID grow up poor, and I’ve never had to explain that to anyone in order to be understood. It’s one of the many things that is inherently unfair.

    I can see how the subtle forms of racism can be much more damaging than the overt forms. In my mind, though, the asshole you had to deal with seemed pretty overt to me…oh, and an asshole (did I mention that already?). ((HUGS)) I am sorry that either of you ever has to deal with it, but I admire your grace and class in how you handle it. (Although if either of you hauled back and popped one of them in the face, I might think that’s a good response, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some people just feel the need to feel superior over others. You can have all the accolades in the world, but they just see the color, or sex, or ethnicity. These comments didn’t come one after another, but were weaved into the conversation over time and many glasses of wine. Writing it out it does seem overt, but it was done subtly and with lots of smiles.

      I bet if you asked your friend if she and her husband have experienced any of this you would get a resounding yes. I hope I’m wrong and hope they’ve never had to deal with any kind of ignorance.

      Thanks for your hugs. Hugs back.


  2. Is this the source of your comments on Twitter recently?

    I understand. I tend to date white guys (which for a black woman is still a rarity). I’ll get looks when I’m out, but have learned to ignore it. I’ve learned to ignore subtle racism as well. Maybe I do it to keep myself safe. If I don’t see or recognize it, I don’t have the feel threatened? I grew up in an affluent, predominantly white neighborhood. Both my parents have degrees. My brother has his. I’m masters prepared and moving toward doctoral work. That sometimes doesn’t matter and that’s sad.

    I’m only close to a handful of people outside my family. They know better which is good. I can’t handle a supposed friend behaving that way.


    • It shouldn’t matter what we have or don’t have, but it does. Even when someone has achieved a lot it doesn’t get appreciated because if someone still feels like no matter what, they are better than you, they don’t even care to inquire and even seem so surprised if you have achieved.

      We don’t always notice the subtle. When it comes out of the mouths of people that are insignificant we just let it roll off our backs, but this situation was much, much different.


  3. Coach and Elle

    I am so sorry this happened to you on a personal level. On a societal level…..when do we learn by belittling another we only diminish ourselves, inflict pain on an undeserving target, and chip away at the core of who we are as humans.

    There are many wonderful people in this country, people that would give their lives….and have, so we all have to live together in this melting pot of cultures, origins, religions with respect and peace.
    We are here to gather knowledge from each other, lift each other up. We are also here to ask, respectfully, those things that we don’t understand or have knowledge of. This is so utterly uncalled for that I don’t even know what to say.

    Ignorance it bliss (and potentially harmful to others in close proximity)….thank God it is not contagious!

    Love to you both!


    • I guess ignorance is bliss for some people. It’s never a fun day when you experience someone’s true colors but it’s better that it happened early on than much later.

      We spoke out because it was needed and people need to know that there are some going around masquerading. Put them in close quarters and true colors come out.

      We all need to speak out against the friend, cousin, teacher who uses this form of subtley to hurt other people and puff themselves up.
      Lots of love to you as well.


  4. This may sound strange — but I have a very good friend who works with a certain ethnic group’s political interests in the Midwest (American Indian) and one of the greatest compliments he has received from that group is that he doesn’t see in color.
    May none of us see in color~
    Oh, and by-the-way — I am 99.8% that you and Coach can kick mine and M’s asses “in shape” wise, we wouldn’t dream of starting a pissing contest. (Although, of course, you know that the Eastern Europeans are just way better athletes than those Italian/ Spanish mixes any day! Heh, Heh, Heh. Talkin’ Trash.) XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, you Eastern Europeans and your wacky ways! You can talk trash with me any day.

      That’s a wonderful compliment that your friend received. We all recognize differences and that’s a beautiful thing, but when different is used as a means to put down based on long-held beliefs, ignorance, stereotypes, or just plain stupidity then that is not a beautiful thing.

      In the words of En Vouge “Free your mind and the rest will follow. Be color blind don’t be so shallow.”


  5. And there we were all expecting this perfectly hot account of your time at a club! 😉

    I’m sorry you had to experience this. And I’m sure it wasn’t the first time, and probably won’t be the last.
    I was raised to believe we’re all equal. I have heard of the racism from both sides. Having lived in the USA, the anti black racism is all too present, there is no escaping it. So what really surprised me was to hear it the other way around. A black friend of mine was told off by African American friends of hers because she spoke “white”. Well, like me, English wasn’t her first language and she learnt it in the same type of school as I did, so our accents would probably be quite close. And that wasn’t Ok with her friends.
    I feel sorry that you felt the need to give all of this background, making your family vulnerable, to justify your reaction. No one should be made to feel bad about who they are. Not about their gender, not about the colour of their skin, not about their differences.
    And this tale reminds me why I was told it’s not Ok to say of someone they are black in the USA. This has always been a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. The fact someone is black or Asian or white merely reflects on their descent. It has no value on their worth, as the man you talked about demonstrated so well: it is easy to see who has the higher worth between Coach and him.

    I relate slightly as a woman, because as such we too have to fight twice as hard to get recognition. Makes me feel sorry for black women :-/

    Yet, I don’t claim I’m perfect. I too probably say things that may offense. But if I’m caught doing it, I’m always genuinely surprised that I did, because this is never my intention.
    And I must say, writing this comment, I had a little voice in my head all the time, saying: ‘be careful how you state this’ because I am always afraid to hurt. If I did, I am deeply sorry.

    Good for you and Coach for being stronger than that man. It must be tiring though.


    • Still haven’t gone to the hot club! Aaahhh!!!! I did go to a sub meeting at our local dungeon and got my eyebrows threaded, which are both upcoming posts 🙂 Not very sexy, but interesting.

      Nope, not the first or the last and we’ve seen racism of every type towards every kind of person. It boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

      Please, please, please don’t worry about what you say here or to me. In this forum and in this way all opinions and feelings are welcome. The context of the other situation is what we need to examine as well as the intent of what was said. Your good heart is obvious.

      We corrected a couple of black teens a few years ago when they were surprised by the accent of a black student who came from England. I believe his mother was Nigerian and his father white and he was raised in England. We had to explain that people have accents and pronounce words based on where they’re raised. Blew their minds. There are adults who think like this and all I can do is just shake my head.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You don’t even want to know what I think of this. Exactly why I believe that we are going to keep coming back till we get it right. Where one set of persons got to feel like they were better than “others” I will never know. I grew up in Boston, where overt and covert prejudice reigns supreme. Unfortunately this is now a part of your life to the highest degree. You now have “mixed” children… not that I know what that is??? Why can’t they just be children? These ignorant people don’t care that you are affluent or that you have higher education. All they see is the color of your skin. I know I have been a African American highly educated woman for quite a while. I live where I know many people wished I didn’t. My house and lawn are pristine. Wish I could say the same for some of the properties in my neighborhood. By the way, the European American man that I date proudly walks with me anywhere.


    • I only used “mixed children” so people understand that they are a combination of the both of us. Many, unfortunately, only see our kids as black kids. So funny, but people will say our son looks just like Coach. Actually, he looks just like my younger brother and even more so, like my nephew. If you put pics of the two boys together at the same age you would think they were separated at birth. My dad was a dark Italian man and some have looked at pics of him and asked if he was Coach’s dad.

      I’m glad he’s proud to walk anywhere with you. As it should be! XO

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m speechless. Wow. The racism in my neck of the woods is toward Native Americans. It is harder for people to recognize and overcome the subtle forms of racism than the overt. I find that, even in my position, I am always examining my position and asking the hard questions. Hugs, girly.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I really appreciate and respect the courage of this post. I remember growing up having to constantly counsel one of my relatives on their bias and bigotry. The human mind can be so very small sometimes and it seems to take generations to make incremental progress.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I don’t feel very courageous. It took days to write because it wore us out. There really is a generational aspect to prejudice. My mother is half Italian. Her father was from Georgia. My grandfather and one of his brothers married Italian women. It was scandalous and both men were practically thrown out of the family. They were disinhereted as well and that family was extremely wealthy. That family goes back to slave owners. My grandfather and great uncle took a stand and I believe, broke the generational prejudice. They did it at a great cost and I wouldn’t even exist had my grandfather chose money.


  9. I grew up and still reside in the south and racism is a constant. My family is very racist and it disgusts me. It is exactly as stated, ignorance. I think we should all treat people by the way they represent themselves, not by ethnicity, weight or age.

    Coach handled it very well, even when not pointed in my direction I would have lost my temper. My God son is half black and to hear him tell me the cruel things children say….it breaks my heart. I just want to go to the source, their parents, and educate them on parenting. Discrimination in ANY form is disgusting. As a plus sized woman I deal with it CONSTANTLY. All anyone can do is learn to see people as just that a person, not by disability, ethnicity, weight or appearance.

    Time for change America.


    • Yes, these things are passed on to children by their parents. It’s very sad and just when you think we’re making strides we hear of crap. We all want the same things and that is to live in peace and provide for and raise our families as we see fit.

      I’m sorry your son has been hurt by comments and I know as a mother it would break my heart as well. Much love to you. Stay strong, stay proud.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Holy Crap Elle! I hate hearing something like this. In this day and age I would hope that people, no matter our differences could just see others as just people.

    I don’t stand for any form of racism in my home or outside of it. Anyone who knows me knows that about me. And I do speak up when I hear it. I’ve been told to lighten up. But I wasn’t raised that way and I just can’t and don’t tolerate it. I just wish that others would stop tolerating it too.
    I only say this because If more people would just stop laughing at the racist joke, and stop tolerating ignorance then maybe this kind of behavior would finally stop being the norm.

    The sad truth is that the people that hurt you will not learn anything from losing you both
    as friends. It’s their loss, not yours. Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • These kinds of remarks and jokes are done in such a way that makes people feel bad to stand up to them. I was accused of not having a sense of humor about it once. It was at work and a woman was using such awful names, but it was being given done as a “joke” so I was the one who was vilified.

      We need more people like you who will take a stand. Can always count on a Jersey girl that 🙂 Big hugs XO


  11. I must say that this is one of the reasons I’m glad to be rid of my ex. His family is undeniably racist, even if they’ll deny it. They will go about it exactly the way you presented it here, covert, never directly, it would make them look bad!
    When you think my kids have cousins of ‘mixed descent’, it makes me sick.
    My ex made jokes, racist, anti religion, anti… you name it. But ‘hey, lighten up, they’re only jokes!’


      • Thanks Elle! I re-read my last comment and I know you realise that what makes me sick is not that my kids have ‘mixed descent’ cousins, but the fact their family can be so deceitful, saying one thing and acting another.
        I am very fortunate to have my children too. And I think their father would disagree with you on whether my kids are lucky, you know, I’m just a lazy bitch. But at least I try to live by my beliefs of ‘let’s all love one another’. I may even take it really too far for him, when I consider taking it in the bedroom as well 😉
        Thank you Elle and Coach, for writing this, for being you, for being supportive of me even when you are the ones who were wronged… I missed you 🙂


  12. “Generational prejudice” is such an issue in our country, and I just pray that it will become more diluted in generations to come as our country becomes anything but a predominantly white nation. I grew up among horrible prejudice (and now live where prejudice is against Mexican-Americans, the immigration issue is also a hot button) which I detested. Most of my dating relationships were not known to my parents because they would not have accepted anyone but a white Catholic (LOL, if they had only known the rainbow of boyfriend I’ve had 🙂 ). I am convinced that fear (and ignorance) drives so much of these prejudices. It takes brave people like you two to continue informing and educating us. Clearly there are people who are intentional about prejudice, and you just can’t pollute your life with them. Others still carry that latent “fear” of “different.” I am so grateful to my friends of other races/colors/nationalities who were patient and explained things that I didn’t “get,” but I believe they understood my heart and knew I was “teachable.” I had a young black student once approach me complaining another black boy called him “nappy-headed” (this was before the Imus scandal, and I had never heard this term before). I corrected the child, saying we don’t call names, but that remedy did not satisfy the boy. I had a great relationship/friendship with my black colleague, who made me comfortable asking her questions about my cultural ignorance. I told her I didn’t understand why the boy was so upset, and she explained to me that was a great insult. I’ve traveled the world, lived in the third world where I was the minority, and have worked and played with and dated people of many races, nationalities and cultures, but there are still times I need to be educated. Please continue looking for those opportunities to be positive and effective change agents, Coach and Elle! “Content of character” is my credo. I’m so sorry you and Coach were dishonored in this way, but I’m glad you were able to write about it. Hugs, you beautiful people!!


    • It makes me so pleased that you sought an answer and continue to seek as that’s how this is conquered. It’s also wonderful that you’ve embraced diversity throughout your life. A teachable spirit builds that content of character.

      Hugs right back to you, sweet.lady XO


  13. I live in the south as well, and as my “neighbor” cumcoveredstrawberry stated, it is everywhere.
    Like DD, I have had the opportunity to live in countries/areas where I was the minority and it was an eye opening/life changing event for me.

    It hurts my heart to hear that, and all I can say is that I admire greatly Coach’s restraint.

    Seems to me that you both handled it with dignity and class, far and above what was deserved.

    I’m proud to know you.

    And, in my opinion ” mixed” children of any blend are some of the most beautiful creations I’ve ever seen from God.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Fantastic post!!! The more things change – the more they stay the same. I speak as a brown girl growing up in the 60’s in a white family, in a white neighborhood.

    It was always the “subtle” reminder that you were different that left the deepest wounds. The outright racist remarks were not as damaging; they were easy to view as ignorance.

    Thank you for sharing this story.

    Annie ❤


  15. I don’t know if you read my comment to Mr. M, but half my mom’s side are southeners, from Atlanta. Very old family there that goes back a long, long time. We were the outcasts of the family being half Italian. Most people don’t know that Italians weren’t considered white when they first entered this country.

    Coach and I had the most overt racism hurled at us in Atlanta. We were yelled at by many as we were walking down the street together. A black taxi driver picked us up. Thank goodness because it could have turned bad. It changed me profoundly. However, the last few years we’ve lived in a cosy bubble and this thing threw us. We truly were stunned and Coach didn’t immediately go there with this. When it truly dawned on us what was happening it was after the fact so it wasn’t necessarily restraint as much as it was shock.

    I’m proud to know you, too xoxo


      • It goes back to the bible and an erroneous idea that the curse of Cain was passed on to Africans. You see it pop up in Exodus when Miriam was voicing her “opinion” that Moses shouldn’t have married a Cushite (Ethiopian region I’m pretty sure). Most people don’t know that Tziporah, Moses’ wife, was a black woman. By the way, because of her big mouth, God gave Miriam a terrible skin condition (erroneously translated leprosy) and she had to stay out of the camp for a required period of time. Can’t remember how long off hand.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I cannot agree with you Elle. It doesn’t go back to the Bible. It goes back to some white men studying the Bible and deciding to interpret it that way. Just like happens with women and the original sin. It’s all the woman’s fault, she seduced Adam. Because he couldn’t use his free will and great teaching skills to gently point out to her that they shouldn’t listen to the snake? Did she coerce him to bite into the fruit of knowledge?

          I think people use the Bible (or Quran or any religious book that is used to justify their discrimination) in the way it suits them, taking the part that fits for them and forgetting about the other parts of the message.

          I have just been in a row with someone commenting on a FB friend’s of mine that “The “problem ” lies almost entirely in the black community. Its time to admit that they are as a whole(on balance) a failed ethnic group or demographic segment.”
          Argh! Stil makes my blood curl!
          I responded a few things, including this “If being white means being like you, S, then I’m afraid I am ashamed. This sort of generalisations is what allowed for slavery and thinking than one is superior to one’s neighbour is so far from the principles of the Bible that I am still feeling slightly icky for having read your comment.” and “You tell M [the friend whose post we were commenting, who was telling him that it was easy for him to say those things when he never had to worry about food on the table or such, he decided she was being resentful of his family having had an easier time than hers] that you sense resentment and if you sense it she should speak differently until you feel comfortable. Well, I’m telling you (as M has), I sense racism in your words. And you should speak differently until I feel comfortable you are not speaking from a racist point of view.”

          I still wish I could have done something else. But I don’t even know the guy (and from what I’ve seen so far, I don’t really want to either 😉 ).



        • and more…
          “I felt resentment so she must change her words and tone until I feel comfortable. That’s the way it is today. Or do you have to be a woman or a minority for that to work. I’m sure it doesn’t work for white men. She was talking about me. I’m not talking about you two so your statement on that in illegitimate. About all your sob stories I’m a single dad so stuff it. Abd
          Also, those sob stories are by and large due to bad decisions. I balance work, time with my son etc. Don’t tell me I got it “easy” but I don’t complain either, its life. You say I’m a racist. That’s as a bad a thing you can call someone especially when that person is not and you are brainwashed. So…Go fuck yourself.”

          Well, here was my reply… “Yes, thank you very much S. You should try it too. I promise, it’s good, appeasing and so on… . This said, I didn’t say you were a racist, I said your statement was. Now, if you decide to take it for yourself, that’s really your decision. And you may not have been talking about us, but you were talking to us (and about a million other people on the internet). I’m sure it entitles us to say how your words make us feel. ” and some more about the ‘sob stories’ which were actually my own experiences over the past year… Oh well… Sorry, didn’t mean to take up your space with my FB life. I found it utterly funny he should tell me to go fuck myself. If only he knew 😉


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