Jill

by

I haven’t forgotten you, Jill. After you left this world I started getting high with Carol and Julie after school. Then Julie moved away.

Why didn’t I go with you when you asked me? If I was there you wouldn’t have been murdered. He didn’t have a gun so we could have kicked his ass together. He was a little shit and we could have done it.

When I worked at the farm I used to go down to the stream where they found you. I used to daydream that I found you and brought you back to life. Sometimes I would daydream that I found him attacking you and I jumped him before he could rape you and smash your head on that rock. I could have saved your life.

Why did you hitchhike? We could have gotten a ride from my mom. Why did I say no when you asked me to go with you?

Kim and I got drunk on the beach a week later. Her mom blamed me for breaking into their liquor cabinet, but it was Kim. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with Kim after that and we had to sneak around to be friends all through high school. I got drunk because of you. Kim’s sister dates my younger brother now. She was the one who lied and told her mom I did it.

I was afraid of sex after finding out you were raped. I was called a tease and a bitch because I would always stop the boys. A boy lied about me and I was labeled as one of the biggest whores in school. I know you would have defended me. They would have listened to you.

I just found out the fucker might get out of jail this month, the month you died, 35 years ago, at 15.

I miss you.

49 thoughts on “Jill”

  1. Oh Elle, I am so sorry to read this post. I hope it brought you a little bit of peace.
    There are no good words. Sometimes life and events just suck. But I believe those that have passed on, already know how we feel… and my bet is that she watches over you always.
    XX

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  3. I hope he doesn’t. And if he does, I hope his life is wretched and difficult, and that she haunts him, every damned day off his pathetic existence.

    Hugs and prayers. Losing a friend so young, in such a horrible way is simply unfair.

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      • I can completely understand. Totally different circumstances, but I lost a friend to suicide at 19. Death screws with your head. But incomprehensible death truly does change you forever.

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        • So sorry, mel. I really understand. I’ve worked through my emotions and they no longer strangle me, but it never really goes away. I have some beautiful childhood memories of swimming in the lake or her pool. Slumber parties and middle school dances. Riding our bikes in 7th grade to get pizza and watch the cute high school boys while we listened to the juke box.

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              • It was very hard for me. I was so angry and hurt. I’d dare to say I hated her for ending her own life. I recently read through all my old journals and recognized how much I’d pushed her out of my mind, in an effort to rid myself of that hurt. But I forgive her now. And I try to think about who she was and not what she did.

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                • So happy you forgive her. She obviously was going through a private hell. Forgiveness is a gift you gave to yourself.

                  There are so many emotions that come into play when tragedy occurs. Anger is the one hardest to deal with because we think it’s wrong to be angry at the deceased. I pushed Jill out for a long time in order to cope. I wouldn’t speak of her all through high school. I didn’t even go to her funeral. I was beyond overwhelmed and I was pissed at her for hitch hiking. They were real emotions. We need to allow people to feel what they feel and not label those feeling as wrong even if we never feel the same way.

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  5. I know it doesn’t really help to have someone say that even though you might believe if you hadn’t said “no” to going with her she’d be alive today. It’s possible you’d both be dead. You cannot live with that guilt… you have to let it go. As a 15 year old you could not have possibly known what could… what was going to happen.

    I am absolutely at a loss what to say. I cannot imagine the horror of having that happen to a sweet, innocent friend. Massive hugs.

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    • Thank you for your hugs. I wrote this from my 14 year old perspective because that’s how kids will think. As an adult I know better so I don’t feel the guilt the way I did back then.

      Back then no one really connected act out behavior with this kind of trauma. I had already been through so much, but this incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

      Jill was larger than life and we all miss her.

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  6. What a horrific, tragic event. There are indeed monsters in this world. I’m sorry and sad that this happened to her, and to you as her friend. I agree with Chris in his comments that you could not have possibly known back then that this would happen. I give you strong, strong hugs as you deal with your painful memories and emotions.

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    • He is a monster. There are people working to make sure he is never released. They have made it their life long mission.

      Thank you for you hugs, they indeed helped. Writing helped me a lot, too

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  8. I cannot imagine the emotions that are going through you. My heart goes out to you and her family. Let’s hope he doesn’t get out.

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  10. Words escape me Elle, but my heart is breaking for you as I read this! No young person should ever have to face such ugly that this man brought to all of you young girls. And furthermore he took precious innocence and a life, his should be over as well! Wish I was there with you to offer many hugs, and loving support as you remember, and relive.

    Love sweet lady! Mynx

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    • Thank you, Mynx. I’m fine, really. Writing really helped. It was so long ago that the rawness is gone, it’s now just a distant echo. Hearing this news outraged many of us and FB was on fire yesterday. I pulled away from it all so I wouldn’t get caught up. I spent time with the kids yesterday, shed some tears in Coach’s arms, said a prayer and let it go. The best thing I can do is never forget the lessons I learned and live the best life I can. xoxo

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  11. God Elle, this is horrible. It’s important to mark this event, to remember it’s significance. It sounds like Coach is right there for you, too. Sigh. Hugs to you, friend.

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  12. Well, I’m glad to read that you are feeling better.
    I too lost someone a friend, my first boyfriend, even if it was young love (we were 9 and 10), before I turned 18. It was simply an accident but it made us all face the reality of life and death. The fact we were mortal. It is difficult when you are that young. It wasn’t an old person, having had a full life, who died that day. For me it was an 18 year old old flame. For you it was a best friend of sorts.
    Death in itself is horrible, especially when you first realise you too will die. But the circumstances surrounding your friend’s death are even worse. Especially at a time when you build your own sexual identity as well as all other aspects of it. I’m glad you survived to tell the tale. I’m sure your friend would be proud to know you found your voice and accepted your sexuality and manage to get the message through so clearly, even after all this time. And make us all reflect on those things.
    It doesn’t help anyone beating yourself up for not going with her. Maybe, when it happened, she was thinking how lucky it was that you weren’t there, so that you wouldn’t get hurt?
    I know you said you’re fine. But I’m still sending you big hugs. *I* need to, after reading this story.
    XOX

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    • Dawn, you’re so sweet.

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Never easy no matter the circumstances.

      Like I said in an earlier comment, I wrote this from my 14 year old point of view. I think we all need to understand the blame children will put upon themselves.
      Yes, I shed a few tears, but I am in a really good place. I feel blessed knowing I can understand the root causes of some of my struggles theough the years.
      I’m taking your hugs and sending you some of mine. xoxo

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      • Thank you for the hugs Elle.
        I agree, we need to remember/understand what it feels like to lose someone dear when we are young. I had completely lost touch with that particular friend, so I shouldn’t have been very affected. My mom commented on how she didn’t understand why I was crying like I was. Well, it was part of my youth I was mourning alongside my friend. I didn’t feel the blame you did, because I didn’t have any implication in his life and couldn’t have changed anything. It just felt really dumb for him to die the way he did. But I did reminisce about those games we’d played in the school yard, how we were ‘married’ and such silly things to an onlooking adult, but very real to my 10 year old heart. And still present in my 17 year old one.
        I wish I’d been there when you went through this, to tell you it’s Ok to feel like this, it’s Ok to want to act out. Don’t listen to those people bad mouthing you. Know your own worth and that’s all that matters.
        Because somehow reading the judgmental attitude of some of the adults in your story, I ache and wish someone had been there to offer you support instead of scorn.
        XOOX

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        • You had every right to mourn. The adults back then weren’t a lot of help. My dad was a WWII Vet, the generation that kept a stiff upper lip. You were supposed to suck it up and move on. Don’t even think about asking for a therapist. It was the times. I know better so I do better. That’s all any of us can do.

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          • I know I had every right to mourn. We all always have a right to our emotions. I agree with the fact adults back then were not being a lot of help, and my story is much less traumatic than yours. I had to battle with all of my family to make them accept the fact I needed therapy (unrelated to that incident). They eventually managed to accept it for me but would never have considered it for themselves. A waste of time and money. I know better so try to do better for my children, even if I have to fight with their father who thinks that seeing a therapist is going to ruing you, because those people have every interest in keeping you as a client, they are poisoning your mind and all sorts of nice things. But you are right, all we can do is our best. None of us can be held to higher expectations.
            XO

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  13. This is such a sad story and memory. You are wise to put it all into perspective, and also see what part it played in shaping you or hindering you. Evil is permitted in this world, although we can’t fully grasp why. All we can do is refuse to do evil, and have peace in the knowledge that there will be a day of reckoning, and our choices to be faithful will be rewarded. I am sorry that recent news has brought this wound up so vividly to you. Wishing you the peace that transcends all understanding. 🙂

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    • Thank you. I really do have peace. I don’t know if you’ve read some things I’ve written about having a protective instinct and how I jumped in to save a life. It was there from birth, that I’m sure of, but this incident made it come out. I don’t want anyone getting hurt and will go to great lengths to make sure people are safe.

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  14. Oh Elle, I think all the feelings you had as a young girl are so perfectly normal and natural when faced with a tragedy like this. I love that you shared with us how you felt back then and I’ve no doubt your friend is looking down on you and knows that she was loved then and now. Big Hugs Girl!

    xo

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  15. As I read your post, my heart ached for what you went through. There are no wards to cover this kind of pain, no thoughts that could bring comfort…. Just footsteps beside you letting you know you don’t walk alone. Hugs. Useless thought but all we can give to your pain.

    R

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    • Thank you for the hugs and thoughts. I really am stronger. I didn’t understand a lot back then and I’ll be honest, it’s really only these last 3 years that I’ve connected events with ways of thinking and feeling. I had such a disconnect from trauma.

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        • I used to compartmentalize in order to cope. I had too many things happen in rapid succession over several years. I was writing a series called My Truth (https://thesubmissionofelle.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/my-truth-part-three-the-woods/) and I stopped just when getting to the subject of Jill. I couldn’t continue the series because I wasn’t ready to go into the subject of Jill, which isn’t just about her murder. So much more to the story of Jill. One day, maybe.

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          • Thanks for the link, I’ll go read now.
            I know all about stopping to write about something… I started writing about my depression… and stopped. More pleasant things to write about happened since then, more pressing things too. One day maybe I’ll go back to that tale 🙂

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  16. I’m so sorry for your loss at such a in·flu·en·tial tender age. When a dear friend or lived one passes on unexpectedly it becomes surrealistic, almost like you expect them to show up tomorrow because the event never really happened in the first place. I cannot ‘like’ the hurt portion of this but the resulting content speaks volumes about your relationship with Jill and Kim. The dichotomy of our lives is the very fabric which embraces us and keeps us warm in troubled times. So too in this community miss Elle; there are those here who care and support you. We’re called friends, and we’re glad you chose us to lean on. Thank you for sharing this window of yourself for us to look in and understand more about you. Mynx and I and this community ARE here for you miss Elle…

    -Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)

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    • Thank you so much for very kind words of support and friendship.

      Kim…she was living such a lie. Her lies finally caught up with her, but she went through her own private hell with her family. She should have been the one to offer support and she abandoned me. I should have dropped her as a friend back then, but I didn’t want to lose anyone else. I know better now. Real friends stay with you through the hard and difficult because they have faith that you will come out of it and they want to be the first ones there to celebrate your victories.

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      • But Kim was probably struggling just as hard as you to figure out her way through this ordeal. And probably had not realised yet what it’s truly like to be a friend. Hopefully for her she has learnt since.
        As for you, I know you have and am happy for you.

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  17. Pingback: Jill, Part 2 | The Submission of Elle

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